Monday, June 30, 2014

I bet this doesn't happen to Supergirl

On the way to work this morning, I got cut off like three times on the highway. Started to make me wonder if I had accidentally driven my invisible car today, a la Wonder Woman's jet. Hate when that happens.
#mycarisbrightredpeople #easytospot

Monday, June 23, 2014

WTF, Zuckerberg

You know how Facebook notifies you of "People you may know?" Well, this is the latest one I received:


Not only do I not know her, I don't really WANT to know her, and thank goodness we don't have any mutual friends because I don't think I want to KNOW anyone who knows her. Yeesh.


PSA: I will be trapped in a work training session Tuesday-Friday this week, all day and night (literally - tomorrow is 8am-11pm), so doubt I will be able to blog. Sorry - trust me, I would rather be writing about the Bachelorette.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Seven is NOT lucky.

A friend recently celebrated her 32nd birthday with a very creative theme: "Thirty-tutus and Tupac." So everyone showed up with tutus and gangsta bandanas. It was quite a look, I assure you. She has already decided that next year will be "33's Company" and we'll all dress like Chrissy and Mrs Roper. It made me want to come up with something creative for my birthday next month, but there's nothing good with 7. All I got was "37 Minutes in Heaven." And that's a really long time in the closet, especially when you're the host. #backtothedrawingboard

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Deep thoughts

...by 50 Cent:

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

(Dog) sh*t has hit the fan.

My apartment building is instituting some new policy where all dogs must be registered ($500), labeled ($25) and DNA-swiped ($50) so they can test the poop that doesn't get picked up and fine the responsible party. Um, seriously?? This is insane on so many levels. I don't really understand how they will be able to enforce this, although I think the concierge now has a scanner to detect if each dog has the special label on its collar. So I'm trying to come up with ideas on how to get around this. Here's what I've got so far:

1. Go out the back door from now on
2. If they can somehow see me going out the back door, go down the stairs. (And be late for everything from now on)
3. Make a little cone of shame for Charlie to wear when walking through the lobby and say she's been injured and can't be scanned right now
4. Go ballistic about "lasers" and say my vet told me scanners cause cancer
5. Smuggle Charlie in and out in my gigantic purse
6. Lower her over the balcony with a pulley (this was my brother's horrible idea, but I felt I should include it)

They have already had to bump the deadline back two weeks because people aren't doing it, so I'm hoping maybe it will just be a giant threat that looms but never actually comes to fruition.


Also - what a shitty job (pun intended) for whoever has to sample the poop!!

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Bachelorette recap: Mimin' and stealin'

It's sad how much I missed this show after last week's pointless recap. (A recap after only four episodes is pretty pointless, FYI.)

We find ourselves in beautiful Marseilles, France. Andi has never been to France - not sure why she wouldn't opt for Paris, but comme ci comme ├ža I guess. Andi meets up at a cafe with Chris Harrison, who asks if she is falling in love. She gives him her Andi-ism, "STOP!" No, you stop.

The first one-on-one date goes to Josh, and they sail to the Calanques, a gorgeous rock formation where making out is achieved. Andi remains hesitant, since Josh is a (former) athlete, even going so far as to compare him to Juan Pablo (ouch!). But still they make out and dance to Ben Folds. Wait, no no - Ben Fields. Whoever the hell that is. Josh secures the rose. No big surprise there. He's so pretty.

Back at the hotel, the (blank) date card arrives and Andrew (aka Pacey) is MAD he didn't get the one-on-one. And Marquel is MAD at Pacey because according to Pants (aka JJ), Pacey called Marquel and Ron "blackies." (Which JJ admits later could have been "black guys." But Marquel is livid.) Ohhhh snap. A very special Bachelorette ensues, dealing with racism. Marquel is able to hold his tongue during the group date of miming - yes, you read that right - they mimed, people. In front of a crowd. Trapped in a box, pulling on a rope, the whole nine yards. Except for Nick, who is an angry mime.

The evening portion of the date amps up the dude drama - maybe because they couldn't speak for so long while miming, it's eating them up inside - and beefcake Cody goes after Nick for being arrogant and saying he has a better connection with Andi than anyone else. Soon after, Marquel (once again wearing a crazy shirt and time combo) decides to speak gentlemanly to Pacey about his racist comments - which Pacey of course denies. Andi senses the tension and asks Nick what's going on. He basically admits it, and she's not sure if she is being played by "salty Nick." But he's falling in love with her, so smooch away! Pants gets the group date rose, amid all the awkwardness, for treating it like a one-on-one date. (And for stirring up all the controversy, in my opinion. Go Pants.)

Coach Brian gets the last one-one-one date, and it involves watching a movie coming soon to theaters which we have also just seen a preview for during a commercial break! What are the odds. It's then time to re-create the menu and fry up some frog legs. But Coach is not in the zone. He can't make a basket if you paid him. And Andi is about to send him to the showers. But wait - on a hail mary play, they decide to eat out, and amazingly Coach is back in the game! Plants like 50 kisses on her and walks away with the MVP rose.

Time for the rose ceremony, and all the guys are sweating it out and hoping to get some time with Andi. In a not-so-dramatic twist, Andi decides she doesn't need a cocktail party and is ready to send three guys home. We say au revoir to Marquel, Andrew/Pacey and Patrick. The Patrick departure makes me sad - she should have kept this hottie and sent beefcake Cody packing. But next week, it's on to Venice! Arrivederci!

Monday, June 16, 2014

Friday, June 13, 2014

Does everyone know what time it is?

TOOL TIME!

I noticed this morning that one of my curtain rods is hanging on by a thread (technically a screw).  Was considering attempting to fix it myself - hey, I own an electric drill. Not sure I know how to USE it, but I dug it up and dusted it off. Over-under on my being able to do this without A. falling through the window or B. giving myself a concussion?

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Time flies, according to vH1

vH1's "I love the 80s" series is like my favorite thing ever. (Seriously - when is it coming out on DVD.) Followed closely by "I love the 90s." And next week they're premiering "I love the 2000s." One would think I would be happy about this. But since I feel like 2000 was only 3 years ago, I am not happy. I feel very very old. Which clearly I am, since I remember the 80s as much as I do. Whatever - I will still be watching. What the hell else do I have to do. #thirtysomethingproblems

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

PUMP it up

I have to give a presentation today. So I decided to wear "big girl shoes:"


I didn't say they were conservative big girl shoes. They're still Sarah shoes.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Vain, party of one

As I mentioned, I was lucky enough to get invited to the George Strait concert Saturday night. Along with 104,000 of my closest friends. Most of whom were wearing cowboy boots. I know some George Strait songs - but certainly didn't know all of them - and it was still the Best. Concert. Ever. First of all, George looked and sounded amazing. I have a semi-crush, 62 years old be damned. And then the long list of guest stars: Miranda Lambert! Alan Jackson! Kenny Chesney! Sheryl Crow! Etc. Etc. It was like 9 concerts in one. But me being me, I have to comment on the superficial. Here goes:

Vince Gill has gained some serious lbs. Did not look good.
Alan Jackson has also put on a bit of weight.
Jason Aldean and Eric Church looked AOK, although I wasn't entirely sure who they were.
Sheryl Crow sounded great, but was wearing a very ugly hippy-type top and fugly shoes.
Faith Hill was wearing unflattering jeans - who knew she had a bit of a booty?
Martina McBride's pants were also not great.
And Miranda Lambert was wearing tiny black leather shorts that did not do her any favors on the giant big-screen. Just saying. (However: her silver glittery cowboy boots were AMAZE.)

So there you have it. All in all, made us feel better about ourselves. And isn't that really what it's all about? ;)

Monday, June 9, 2014

zzzzzzz

Up at 6am to volunteer on Saturday + getting home from George Strait concert at 1:30am + 3 hours of sleep + running at 10K on Sunday + splitting a carafe of sangria at brunch = 5:30pm bedtime Sunday afternoon. After 11 hours of sleep, I finally feel a little more human.

Friday, June 6, 2014

Giving til it hurts

It's our month of volunteering at work, and I'm hitting the ground running. Yesterday, did arts and crafts with the kids at Bryan's House (daycare/preschool for HIV-impacted kids); today, feeding lunch to the homeless; tomorrow, helping out at Operation Kindness for their Dog Day Afternoon event; and Sunday, running the Wounded Warrior 10K. All I need to do now is plant a tree and I've got my bases covered, I think. And yes, clearly trying to cram a year's worth of volunteering into one weekend. You know how they say "kill 'em with kindness?" Kindness might actually kill me.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Tall tales

Why do guys lie about their height on online dating sites? Do they honestly believe we won't notice?

A little lesson from me to you:

When a guy says 5'9", he is 5'7".
When a guy says 6'0", he is 5'10".
And when a guy says 5'5", he's telling the truth.

You're welcome.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Murder in the first

It's mosquito season again in Texas, and they love me. Clearly because I'm so sweet. I was at a party Saturday night and getting eaten alive. At one point I smacked my leg and must have caught a skeeter in the act, because my hand was covered in blood. And It. Was. Awesome. #veryamericanpsycho

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Bachelorette recap: Eric, we hardly knew ye

A range of emotions last night:

Excited - the crew heads to the Mohegan Sun in Connecticut

Depressed - Dylan (who looks like Ed Burns to me) gets the first one-on-one date and it looks like his somber silence is going to get him kicked off, until he lets down his guard and tells Andi that both his sister and brother recently passed away from drug overdoses. Sheesh. Andi cries and gives him a rose that she swears is not a pity rose. But of course it is.

Competitive - the group date consists of a heated basketball game between the "Rosebuds" and the "5 of Hearts." The Rosebuds are the clear winners, having the advantage of not only Coach Brian but also actual jerseys with their team name on them, as opposed to the plain white tees and a black Sharpie the other guys are apparently given.

Nervous - After everyone gets cleaned up, Eric is concerned (and very vocal) that their connection is fading, but then talks about leaving the Mormon church and they seem back on track. More on this later.

Amazed - Coach Brian shows Andi a few moves and then miraculously makes a basket from half-court! He should have gone in for the kiss, but he doesn't. And he kicks himself for that. As she should. More on this later as well. He still manages to MVP his way to the rose.

Dizzy - Marcus gets the next one-on-one date and he and an afraid-of-heights Andi rapel down the side of the Mohegan Sun. Right past the suite where all the boys are staying. Andi can barely make it - not sure why they would select this date for her - but Marcus is her hero and snags the rose. As they later sway to some country singer I've never heard of, Marcus tells her he's falling in love with her. #alittleearly

Sad - At the rose ceremony, Eric tells Andi he thinks she is really fake. A TV actress, if you will. I cringe, knowing that - although this is fairly legit - she is not going to take this well. And she doesn't. She starts crying and gives him the boot. Then tells the rest of the guys this is "so real to me, y'all!" Eric exits, a bit confused and misunderstood, and we all know it's the last time we will ever see him.

Cut to a Very Special Bachelor Moment, hosted by Chris Harrison - there will be no rose ceremony tonight (apparently Tasos gets the boot), but instead Chris and Andi will remember Eric. Andi is clearly emotional about it, but doesn't apologize for the way she acted and I'm guessing she wishes she did looking back. But it's truly about the saddest thing ever and I'm kind of glad we have a week off before having to go through this again.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Bachelorette recap: An "adrelanine" rush

Night one of the big two-parter down, one night to go. We kick off the evening at the lovely Bacara resort in Santa Barbara, and the guys are equally excited to move out of the mansion. Nick gets the first date card, and although he is doubting the process (which he tells us multiple times), he has a crush on Andi and tells her so. Aw. They go for a romantic bike ride and then hike to the top of a mountain - she is quite the active dater, that Andi - and a romantic dinner is next. She sees potential in Nick, and gives him the rose.

The group date might be the best thing that has ever happened in Bachelor history. The guys hang out with Boyz II Men (!) and have to perform "I'll Make Love to You" in front of a live (100% female, lucky for them) audience. They are all pretty psyched (especially Crazy Cody), and Eric admits to touching his first butt to this song in the 7th grade. Sigh. Sidebar: I too LOVE Boyz II Men. They still sound amazeballs. The Bachelorette guys, however, do not. Took this screenshot:


They were truly awful. All of them. Even opera man. Some forgot the words, leading the poor guys in the actual band to cringe. But it was still adorable and endearing, especially when they arrived in B2M-esque outfits (the cardigans!). Even Andi got up and sang a few bars. Afterwards, they de-boy band themselves and continue to vie for Andi's heart (and the rose, let's be honest). She tricks Cody by telling him she heard he has a girlfriend back home - because that's ALWAYS funny! Josh puts on a good act about continuing to be super nervous around Andi, which of course leads to a makeout. And the rose. Well-played, Josh.

The final date card goes to PANTS. Yes! It's a very odd date, but he's an odd fellow, so it kind of works. They get hair and make-up done to age themselves 50 years. Andi still looks pretty good; Pants looks redonk. Liver spots are not sexy, people. They cruise around in little motorized scooters, posing for pictures, and then get crazy and do cartwheels, pushups and other shenanigans that 75-year-olds shouldn't be doing. (unless they are my grandmother, but that's a story for another time.) Liver spots gets a smooch on the tire swing, and they clean up nice for dinner. It's kind of like Back to the Future in reverse. Great Scott. Pants is wearing stellar pants, as usual, and admits to being insecure about being quirky. Oh, pants. Andi finds him endearing and encourages him to let his freak flag fly, so gives him the rose.

Meanwhile back at the manse, Ron gets a personal call and learns that a close friend has passed away. He decides he must abort Mission:Andi and gets the heck out of dodge. Andi leads a toast "to Ron!" before the rose ceremony, and tensions start to grow between the remaining fellas. Eric gets cock-blocked (his bleeped out words) by flowers that Nick has sent to Andi (ouch), and Pants and Josh corner Andrew (who looks a LOT like Pacey from Dawson's Creek) about getting a waitress' phone number a few nights ago and bragging about it to all the guys. Pacey gives an eat-sh*t smile and simply goes upstairs and shuts the door. Because that doesn't make you look guilty.

Andi gives out roses to everyone but Operaman and Brett the hairstylist, who I don't believe has said one word since he arrived. Andrew gets the last (dramatic) rose, and I find myself praying that Eric gets one because it literally means he will survive another day. Boo.

The final credits roll over a montage of guys singing "I'll Make Love to You," and it's cringe-worthy and glorious. More dramz tonight...