When being single (and a girl) semi-sucks

1. Getting a flat tire. Only person to call is AAA. (Which is why I have AAA, but still.) See also: anything broken around the house. Would much rather see a boyfriend bending over to fix the toilet than a plumber's crack. Whatev.
2. Lugging in 8 bags of groceries and a 12-pack of DDP. Single gal=pack mule.
3. Times like the present, when I have my new flat-screen all ready to go but the old TV is too heavy to move by myself. So the new TV has been sitting, in its box on the floor, for about a week now. Sigh. Fingers crossed it will be up and running by Super Bowl Sunday...


I won't even add "The unmentionables" (V-day, New Year's Eve, weddings...). We all already know about those bad boys.

Kind of obsessed

Became a "friend" (aka "fan") of Slash on Facebook, and he signs all of his updates with a little Slash emoticon.

IiiI; )'

It's a little face with a top hat! (and possibly a cigarette?) LOVE.

I object!

That's my best legalese for you. Yes, I took the LSAT. No, I didn't do well. But last night I snuck into a Dallas Young Lawyers Association happy hour (with a lawyer friend, so it was semi-legit). My other faux-ttorney friend and I decided to tell anyone who asked (no one did) that she went to Yale Law School and I went to Harvard. Hey, it could happen. (Sidebar: when I was in grad school in Boston, my brother came up to visit and we went to visit Harvard. He bought a "Harvard Law" sticker for his car. I mean, why not.)

But back to the bar. (Not the LEGAL bar. The BAR bar.) We giggled as we looked around the room, feeling like frauds. Thought a good pick-up line could've been "Hey - you look familiar. Did we go to law school together? Were you in my Law 101 class?" (And yes - "Law 101" was the best we could come up with, next to "The Law for Dummies" and "Intro to Law.")

Up next: crashing a happy hour of DOCTORS. Stat.

Pic of the week

Um, his pockets say BACK HOFF. It's greatness and horrific at the same time. Don't hassle the Hoff. Or his jeans, apparently.

Welcome to my hood, Packers.

Love that the Packers are practicing at SMU - but if the weather is too cold or wet, they'll move to Highland Park High School, because the high school has an indoor facility and the college doesn't. Which normally wouldn't surprise me, because it's Highland Park, but it's SMU.

Go...team

Now, John Belushi's character in Animal House WAS in college, so his shirt is at least somewhat accurate. But last night at the gym there was a guy wearing a Michigan State sweatshirt, an Oklahoma t-shirt, and Florida State sweatpants. (Quite a look, I assure you.) I have to assume that people who are so gung-ho about college apparel not only did not attend any of the schools they are wearing, but most likely didn't attend college at ALL. I mean, those schools aren't even in the same conference! At least look like you could possibly coordinate. (i.e. I randomly own a Florida State sweatshirt - which I typically wear inside out - but it's in the ACC, so it sort of makes sense.) Methinks he's trying a bit too hard. Plus the fact that he stood directly in front of me in the class, blocking my view - doesn't help your case, bub.

Home on the Range. Where the deer and the antelope play, duh.

I bought this purple reindeer sweater from Victoria's Secret in November, and wore it once - on Christmas Eve. It's super cute but also super warm, so I didn't have too many opportunities before the holidays to rock it in Dallas. (And it's not a FUGLY sweater, so it wouldn't have worked for my party, haters.)

So today I decided to hell with the off season, and I'm wearing my reindeer sweater to work. Not only has no one made a snarky comment, but one lady just popped her head in and said, "I like your antelope sweater!" And there you have it. It's a reindeer sweater until December 25, and after that, an antelope sweater. I like it.

Move over, Lee Press-on Nails

Whoever invented these nail polish stickers, bless you. A. they look cool, and 2. they are so much easier to manage for klutzes like me who typically botch a manicure within 30 minutes.

I totally used to try Lee Press-on Nails back in the 80s. Loved pretending to type with them on - felt like a fancy secretary. (fancy? really?). But you couldn't open a New Coke to save your life. So these are much more user friendly. Viva los fishnet nails. VIVA.

Grenades. Go time.

Every time I hear that "catch a grenade" song on the radio, I wonder why it's not the Jersey Shore theme. As they tend to attract a lot of "grenades," etc. (Which I should note for the record I find incredibly offensive and demeaning, but nevertheless it has become a part of our lexicon, so there you go.)

Getting off my little soapbox now.

Good news.

Playboy is holding open castings in Dallas this Wednesday and Thursday. The only fathomable reason I would show up is apparently signing up registers you to win tickets to the celebrity-laden Super Bowl festivities. But alas, I don't have time to get my boobs done by Thursday. (Um, or drop 100 pounds and bleach my hair.) Dammit.

May have found a replacement for Boone's Farm (sniff)

Whatever the hell Glass Liberty Chardonnay is, I'm on board. $2.50 a glass?? And it wasn't even happy hour! At happy hour, it's probably free. Sign me up.

Thanks a lot, Oprah

I fast-forwarded my way through the first three days of Oprah's Australian adventure this morning on the elliptical. Nothing particularly note-worthy, although I still really want to visit. But at one point, the "ultimate viewers" got on both sides of the Sydney Harbour Bridge and gave the official Aussie yell: "Aussie Aussie Aussie Oy Oy Oy! Aussie Aussie Aussie Oy Oy Oy! Aussie! Oy! Aussie! Oy! Aussie Aussie Aussie Oy Oy Oy!" And now I have it stuck in my head. And hopefully now you do, too.

Seriously Dallas is small.

I had to attend a Development Board breakfast this morning. Seated next to me? The father of a guy I went to high school with. Seriously - what are the odds. Plus I haven't seen the guy since 1995, so of course I had to get the 411. He and his wife are getting their MFA's (both are writers, natch) and just had a baby. And then he's all, "and what about you?" Er....sigh.

Ice, ice baby?

No, this is not in reference to my following Vanilla Ice on Twitter. (But how awesome is that. Seriously.) It looks like it's about to drop below freezing and the streets are wet...which means
A. a scary-ass drive home tonight and
2. a potential snow/ice day tomorrow? Or at least a late start?

Come on, mother nature. BRING IT.

2011, you are sucking so far

Since the year began, I have had three dates. Or, I should say, three supposed dates. All three cancelled, either the day of or the day before. For one to cancel is normal (ish). Two is weird. But to have three cancel? That's just sad, people. Officially on hiatus. Although, if I'm not actually going on dates, not sure what I'm on hiatus from. But still. Sounds better than "I'm just sitting at home."

When is 2012?

Doesn't hurt to look.

a few days late, but whatev

Just a few comments on the latest ep of The Bachelor, because I can't contain myself:

1. So. incredibly. cringe-worthy. From the bad karaoke to the Seal concert to the cheesy action scenes, I was a fast-forwarding machine. Dear god, make it stop.

2. Love that they were all clearly given outfits for the action movie. Thank you to our sponsors, Adidas (or whoever).

3. So many tears, so little time.

That's the gist. All I could stomach. And again, thank gog I didn't get picked for this bad boy.

Hair-raising, indeed

My long-time hair stylist has a daughter in the hospital, and therefore is not doing any hair. Which is totally understandable and I'm praying for them every day. However, this also means on Saturday I will be semi-cheating on her by getting a cut and highlights from...gasp...another stylist at her salon. Who I don't even know. (The horror!) So if I don't show up at work on Monday, it means I have emerged with some sort of tragic brunette pixie cut and have gone into hiding. Eeks.

Open the man floodgates

Realized recently how non guy-friendly my apartment is. Let's recap, shall we?
1. TV upstairs in the bedroom has a VHS built in. (Hey - at least it finally gets cable up there. Used to only be able to watch VHS movies on it.)
2. TV downstairs is a whopping 27", NOT flat-screen and NOT HD.
3. Very little food.
4. Lots of cheesy sorority/high school photos.

On the plus side, there IS beer in the fridge. I don't drink beer, so lord knows how old it is, but technically...

So in the spirit of manning up the place, I am pleased to announce that I am the proud owner of a flat-screen, HD TV. Now, it's not very big, but it's bigGER. Baby steps, people. So bring on the men. (Because THAT'S what's been keeping me single for so long. Ha.)

Just asking

Does it count as a "girls' night out" if EVERY night is a girls' night out? Went out on the town with two more Sarah's (making for another SNO: Sarahs' night out) over the weekend, and man is it funny to chat up dudes like that. It's like Newhart: "This is my brother Darryl and my other brother Darryl." We even had to pull out our drivers licenses at one point because a guy thought we were messing with him. Good times.

Pure Barre: 1, my body: 0

I consider myself to be in shape. But man, did that class do a number on me. Oddly, I didn't break a sweat, but my legs were shaking for hours afterward. (And did I mention that I can barely walk, two days later.) Damn you, ballet-inspired moves. Plus now I really want to go back and buy the official "Pure Barre" socklets that everyone else was wearing. Nothing screams "first-timer" like wearing little white Hanes ankle socks. Which of these kids is doing her own thing.

The list of people I wish would go away is growing.

Everyone welcome Camille Grammer to my list! Over-exposed, much? She joins hall of famers:


All Kardashians/Jenners. (Okay, Bruce can stay)
Seacrest. Out. For real.
Jersey Shorers
John Mayer
Speidi



There are many many more to add. But my brain hurts.

I have a dream, as well. A dream of a three-day weekend.

I doubt Martin Luther King's "dream" involved my being off work on Monday, but I appreciate it, sir. I really do.

Anyone? Bueller?

Ever had one of those mornings where you show up to work and there is not a SOUL there for like 30 minutes and you wonder if you missed some sort of vacation day memo? This is happening to me as we speak. Wish I could still use the "10 minute rule" like we did in high school: no teacher after 10 minutes? Peace out.

Dangit I hear footsteps. It was fun while it lasted.

Move over, Black Swan

Going to something called Pure Barre on Sunday. Now, I am no ballerina. I DO own legwarmers, thanks to 80s parties, so maybe if I dress the part people will think I know what I'm doing. My friend and I figured we'd give it a whirl, er, twirl. Now taking bets on how many muscles I pull. (I'm going with six.)

Who is this. No, really.

I have a strict "use it or lose it" policy on my phone. Particularly when it comes to guy's numbers. If I'm no longer talking to him (or, as it were, TEXTING with him), delete. I just don't want to give myself the option of a drunk dial/text situation. I know myself too well.

So last night, I got a text from a number that I deleted. I figured out who it was (I think), and we're going out next week. But how hilarious would it be if some totally different person showed up at my front door. Whatev. Keeps things interesting.

You make the call

Driving around last night, I noticed quite a few homes that not only still have their Christmas lights UP, but still LIT. So I guess that makes them either super Christmasy, super busy, or super lazy. Discuss amongst yourselves.

Hooked on Phonics worked for me

There are certain words I have difficulty spelling. (And yes, sad that I basically write for a living)

Misspelled (oh, the irony)
Occasionally
Embarrassed
Traveled (travelled?)
Canceled (cancelled?)


Note that most of these include a double letter at some point. That tends to trip me up. Dumb blonde, much?

For more doozies: http://www.yourdictionary.com/library/misspelled.html

Ironically, I had to write the following man's name so many times last year I can practically spell it backwards: Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. Say THAT 10 times fast.

Bygones.

There's a channel that now airs Ally McBeal eps twice a day, and I've been Tivo'ing. Forgot how amusing that show was. You know, aside from the rampant eating disorders running through the cast and the bizarro last season. Lucy Liu as Ling? Yes please. (Plus, it takes me back to my college days, when we would watch it at the sorority house. Wild times, ladies.)

My Bieber Fever has broken

This is THE CHEESIEST PHOTO I have ever seen. Oh, Biebs. Actually, oh, Selena. Look at his little boy chest. She could do so much better. Plus, who poses like this unless they know their picture is being taken? Sigh.

Online dating? Find your niche.

Saw an article in Sunday's paper about how many online dating sites there really are. Match and Eharmony get all the press, but for those of you interested in a shallower dating pool, check out these awesome and at the same time frightening sites:

veggiedate.org: for vegetarians

alikewise.com: matches made by the books you read

datemypet.com: for animal lovers/cat ladies

beautifulpeople.com: has a strict ban on ugly people. Not sure how they make that determination...

amigos.com: for latinos, duh

And, to prove that there is LITERALLY a lid for every pot, positivesingles.com: for people with STDs. Nice.

For the whole incredible list, check out http://www.onlinedatingmagazine.com/nicheonlinedatingservices.html. You're welcome.

Not to be crass, but...

http://espn.go.com/mens-college-basketball/rankings

Who do I have to sleep with to get UNC ranked in the Top 25 again?!

At least SOMEONE gets to enjoy the Dallas snow...

I'm stuck inside at work, but I let Diane go out and make a snowman. I tried to let her make snow angels, but her arms and legs don't move. FAIL.

Ugh a 5-day workweek. The horror!

Back from visiting fam in Florida, hence the gaps in blog posts. I won't bore you with the details, but in summary:
*Got a little sun, even though it wasn't really all that warm. But I brought my bikini and was going to wear it, dammit.
*Racket sports a go-go. Tennis. Ping-pong. Okay, that's it. But that's two racket sports. And I'm sore. Let's hope from tennis and not ping-pong - that's just sad.
*Discovered the joys of Outback Steakhouse. Seriously don't think I've ever eaten at one before. (And still haven't been to an Olive Garden, but I digress.)
*"The King's Speech." Greatness.
*College basketball. NFL playoffs. Did I mention it's a house full of boys?
*Due to bad weather in Dallas, my flight went to Chicago instead. Good times in the O'Hare airport for 3 hours. There were lots of cute boys, though. Interesting how easily I can pick out a Midwestern guy. They just have a "look." Also interesting was having the gate next to an apparently full flight to Tokyo. Wow. Just wow. And my last Chicago note: college dudes and Pomeranian dogs do not mix. That is all.

Friendly PSA

I reeeeeeally think my next-door neighbor might be a drug dealer. Just in case anyone needs anything.

Pajama Jeans. WTF.

I don't understand this product. Honestly, the first time I saw the commercial, I thought it was a SNL sketch (a la "mom jeans"). But apparently, this is for real. Has anyone actually touched a pair. What in the hell are they made of. My favorite part of the ad is where it tells you they're "perfect for travel, exercise, shopping and more!" Really - exercise jeans? THAT is something I would like to see happen at the gym. Will they make skinny pajama jeans? Different "washes?" This is like the Snuggie for 2011. Which means I may have to purchase a pair. We'll call it "research."

Santa knew what he was doing, apparently

I got a first aid kit and a digital thermometer in my stocking this year. And considering I woke up this morning with a large bloody scab on my elbow and absolutely no idea how I got it, perhaps these gifts will come in handy.

Four weddings. No funeral (knock on wood).

I have four weddings to attend this year. And those are only the ones I've received save-the-dates for. One I'm in (my brother's), two are local, and two are out of town. So at least I can re-wear some dresses. Plus there's the free booze. Makes it all a little easier. :)

Side note: in my approx. 10 years of attending weddings as an "adult," I have never, not once, taken a date. May the wedding gods take pity on me and hook a sistah up for at least one of these bad boys. I promise to forever hold my peace.

It's a sad day

Apparently peanut butter jelly beans are no more. They are my favorite flavor, and in my opinion the lowest-fat and least messy way to get the awesome taste of peanut butter. And yet, apparently due to little kids with peanut allergies, the company no longer makes them. I'm very sorry for kids with peanut allergies, but COME ON PEOPLE.

RIP, my little brown friend. Sad face. :(

The Bachelor. Sigh.

Went to the Bachelor premiere party last night - it was pretty hilarious, although it was so loud we couldn't actually HEAR anything that was going on. Good thing I Tivo'd. Past Bachelorette contenders Tanner P (aka foot fetish) and Jeremy (who I am randomly friends with on Facebook) were there, as was Reality Steve, who ruined it by telling everyone who the eventual winner is. (NO SPOILERS HERE.) And apparently the "guest of honor" was the girl secretly dating evil Wes. She was wearing the weirdest outfit I have ever seen. Bygones.

So although I couldn't hear anything, here are just a few things worth mentioning.

*The man-scaper. Thank you Jesus.
*The girl with fangs. Um, Twilight is not that good.
*Lots of Bump-its, people. And bad prom do's.
*So many weird shoes. So little time.
*Still love that one girl slapped him.
*Nice zoom in on Deanna and Jenni's engagement/wedding rocks. Take THAT, Brad!
*Token single moms, but where are the token ethnic ladies??
*Previews: Seal? Really?
*Is it wrong that I would be giddy if he once again picked no one?

First date of the new year!

Only 4 days into 2011 and we've got ourselves a date, people. Not particularly excited about it, but hey. A date's a date at this point. Although this one seems especially pathetic: a lady who works in my building - who I only know because she stops me in the bathroom to compliment my outfits - is setting me up with her son. I think I said yes because it sounds like something my mother would do to me. (And because what the hell else do I have to do tomorrow night.) He's my age, and a chemist. Which means I can't ask him about work because I will glaze over. Talked to him yesterday, and he was painting his bedroom - props for A. being a home-owner and 2. being handy. Although he doesn't live near me, he kindly agreed to come to my neck of the woods. I told him Knox-Henderson was close and full of possibilities, and he brightened, acknowledging the Barley House and Cuba Libre. With a heavy heart I had to tell him that both of those establishments had either closed or moved. (How long has it been since he has been down there?!) But we came up with a plan, and armed with my new year's motto of "what the hell," let's DO this. You never know - maybe there will be some chemistry. He IS a chemist, after all.

OCD=Obsessive Compulsive Diane

Apparently she's a bit of a germaphobe. Hey - nobody's perfect.

New Year's Eve: a synopsis

So I got roped into co-hosting a NYE party with a guy friend. He swore ALL of his friends wanted him to have a party, but he wouldn't do it without me. (Translation: I provide the ladies.)

But of course everyone already had NYE plans, and a whopping four girls showed up. (SHOUT-OUT, LADIES) Only one of whom (besides myself) was single. And she left after about an hour.

Semi-panicked that I would have to kiss EVERYONE at midnight, I was so grateful that B brought sparklers. Ooh! Something shiny to distract the boys! And they burn like a bi-yotch! (I let out a choice 4-letter word that was NOT ladylike when my hand got a little toasty, I assure you.)

But testosterone overload be damned*, it was still a fun night. A dance party broke out, we rapped to the classic "Supersonic," there were a bunch of sandwiches, I remembered how awesome Boone's Farm is, and I ran into a guy from elementary school who I hadn't seen since 1987. Gotta love a random NYE run-in. Happy happy 2011.

*Speaking of testosterone, what is the DEAL with the "ball dropping." It is such a man-made (and by that I mean made by a bunch of dudes) holiday tradition that I almost can't handle it. Anything involving bedazzled balls is a little out there. Just saying.

Work sucks

I think the more time off you have, the harder it is to go back to work. Which is why I probably couldn't be a teacher and have 3 beautiful months off every summer. You think you would get bored, but I assure you I can find things to do. And here I was, only off for about a week and a half, and I spent all yesterday dreading going back to work. Thank goodness it's another short work-week for me. So perhaps I should quit my bitching, no?