Bentley SUCKS (and other Bachelorette commentary)

Another mind-numbing episode of The Bachelorette. Which I of course watched. And cringed through much of.

1. Particularly cringe-worthy: the entire dancing portion of the group date. And Ashley, arising onto the stage in a sports bra? REALLY?

2. William - who I so liked until he was bragging about his date and stealing time away during the cocktail party after he had a freaking rose already. Lay off, pal. Go back to selling cell phones.

3. Bentley - AWFUL. If you aren't into her, just leave. I'm sure she is watching these back and is mortified. I'm mortified for her.

4. Jeff, aka The Mask - seriously? Why is this guy still on the show? And the perfectly timed interruption during his chat with Ashley right before he removed the mask? Um, producer intervention, much? Sigh.

5. The poor mama's boy who called her after he got the boot - and even SHE was too annoyed and let it go to voice mail. Ha.

6. Not liking her game-playing with these poor saps: the near-marriage and the flip of a coin whether or not to give Mickey a rose? That's just mean, lady. If a guy had done that to me, I would have been like, "here's a FLIP for you!" And flipped him off. Could be a nice TV moment. Just sayin'.

You know what sucks?

When you think it's payday and it's not. And you have an entire long weekend before it is. Ramen noodles, anyone?

Like moths to a flame? Nah.

Long weekend plans include Top Golf, Hangover 2, Byron Nelson. Translation: I'm putting myself where the boys are. What they do from there is their problem. Actually, it's my problem, but let's just put the blame on them for a while, shall we?

Why does this bother me so.

The Biebs and The Gomez. When they smooched at the Billboard Music Awards, I cringed. And this photo doesn't ease the quease. (Potentially short for queasy? Let's see how it goes over.)
Maybe it's that he is 17? Maybe it's a little too Disney Stars Gone Wild? Or maybe I'm just a prude. But this weirds me out in a mayjah way.

Erm...

WTF is up with Solange Knowles. I mean besides the obvious. (Her sister is Beyonce, she's saddled with a kid and no husband, etc.)

But really? Not a good look, my friend.

Ghost of Hangovers past

You may remember Alan, my bobblehead who was Diane Esparza's love interest. Diane stayed at my last job, and Alan came home with me. Big mistake. (Huge.) You see, it's a talking bobblehead - he says three quotes from the movie - but the weirdest part is, he talks all the time. Even when his head is not bobbling. Like this morning, I was upstairs getting ready for work, and from downstairs I hear his booming voice going "You guys may not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolfpack." And it's so loud I almost jammed my mascara wand into my eye. So either my place is haunted, or it's just getting me all psyched up to go see The Hangover 2 this weekend. Either way, it keeps things interesting.

Tornad-oh no

So last night was pretty scary. Got home from dinner just in time to hear the emergency weather service announcement on the car radio, and upon checking the weather report on the TV, decided this tornado business was no joke. And once the sirens started going off, I decided to crouch in my stairwell. Sucks being single at a time like that - texted "Tornados!" to my mom. No response. Called her. No response. Called my dad. No response. Called my brother. No response. Seriously folks?? (My bro did call me back, however.) Thank god for Facebook. Keeping people connected in a natural disaster.

The baseball-sized hail sounded god-awful, and I was especially thankful for having covered parking. Apparently so were the HPHS punks who took over two of the spots in my complex with their ginormous SUVs. Um, your parents could actually PAY for any hail damage, kids. Listening to the wind/hail/sirens, I opted to move into a closet. And then the power went out. Awesome. Pitch black in a potential tornadic event. And I was in my pjs, make-up off! Not the best look should I wind up homeless and wandering the streets.

At that point I talked to my very-weather-conscious grandmother, who turned on the Weather Channel and talked me through it. She asked if I had a weather radio - um, no - which totally means this birthday will have a "Tornado Prep Kit" theme. Sweet.

All in all, made it through AOK and it certainly makes you count your blessings. And really want a boyfriend to keep you company. Or a dog. :)

The bitch - er, BACH(elorette) is back

Ah, Bachelor/Bachelorette programming. How I've missed you. My thoughts on last night's premiere...

1. Could these openings BE any cheesier?? Does Ashley have to dance around on stage by herself and pretend to be Rocky and swing on a swingset? I mean seriously, producers. LAME.

2. The first guy (Solar energy dude) who made the Taylor Swift heart symbol with his hands? No.

3. Bentley. Cozy. Is he not the next Wes. Loved Chris Harrison's reaction to his name - "What??"

4. The butcher is a mafioso, no? (Perhaps she should have kept him around after all...)

5. Sweet West the Widower. With his precious compass. Awwww

6. Ames is a bit of a braggart - 39 marathons? And like 5 post-graduate degrees? Easy, tiger.

7. William and his unruly umbrella. Awwww I heart this one.

8. Ashley annoys the crap out of me, but I will admit her dress was gorge. She giggles like a third grader, howev.

9. Mickey going in for the smooch - DENIED. Classic.

10. Tim. Awkward pauses. Perhaps he was already drunk. (So embarrassing, btw)

11. No more rhyming poems, guys. It's cringe-worthy.

12. Roth. A. I think she thought he said "Rob." And B. It sounded like "Ross" with a lisp. Bummer.

13. Weirdo in the mask. Really, guy?? And he got a rose?? Really, Ashley??

14. Why is this show so insistent on picking people up and twirling them around. I don't care for that. And I REALLY don't care for her being so surprised he could lift her. Um she weighs like 90 pounds. *I* could lift her.

15. Michael, excited to see the dentist. Awww he was a cutie. Kind of surprised he didn't get a rose - maybe it was his faux guitar skills that did him in? I would say him over the lone ranger any day...

16. Weird photo-taking dude. He was so just there to post pics on Facebook. Hilarious.

17. JP is a cutie pie cupcake.

18. 3 of the guys look exactly the same. One of them is Constantine.

19. The dude that called his mom. Ohhhhh no.

20. I also like New Orleans Ben. Ben the world traveller. Ben with a semi-British accent. And Ben with his cute posters that reminded me of Love Actually. Awwww

21. Loved that drunk Tim had to leave in a minivan. NOT in a limo. Dumbass.

22. Also loved the Phantom of the Opera-ish music whenever the masked wonder appeared. Seriously what is up with this guy.

Can't wait until next Monday...sad but true.

Name your price

In preparation for my upcoming yard sale (JUNE 11! Almost everything must go!!), I did some research and learned that as of October 2010, you have to have a freaking permit from the city of Dallas to have a garage or yard sale. And forget about it if you live in an apartment complex. Luckily mine counts as condos, and it's only $15 for the permit. But my question is, is there some poor sap driving around on Saturday mornings, checking out each and every yard sale to see if they have a permit? They better at least score some good shiz: "Excuse me, permit for this sale? And how much for the used mattress?"

Stress test

A co-worker told me today that I "looked stressed." (Ironically, this was like the first day since I started this job that I WASN'T.) That's like when someone tells you you look tired. Um, thank you? Now I AM stressed, thanks to you.

A riff on cover bands

Saw Super Diamond on Saturday night. And they rocked it. But it made me wonder (and now I feel like Carrie on Sex and the City, typing and wondering things) - what other options does a guy who sounds exactly like Neil Diamond have? Particularly in the music profession? I can see it now - he auditions for a manager, who says "Um, I think you can ONLY be a Neil Diamond cover artist. Best of luck to you." And what about the (hot) guitarist? He goes to his high school reunion, people ask what he does for a living, he says "I'm in a Neil Diamond cover band." (Lucky for him, they are super successful - hell, they're SUPER Diamond!) But still.

I am certainly a sucker for a good cover band. Spazmatics? Check. Poison Cherry? Yay. And my personal fave, Who's Bad. Look them up. Seriously. Leaning towards an MJ cover band for my wedding. Should there ever be one. And now that I've said this musical desire out loud, there probably won't be.

Lotion emotion

Dear Bath & Body Works,

Is it possible to go back to the "normal" lotion scents like Vanilla? I'd even settle for the Brown Sugar Fig flavor. But with names like "Dancing Waters," "Butterfly Flower," "Country Chic" and "Moonlight Path," I have absolutely no clue what I will be smelling like.

And what the hell scent is "P.S. I Love You??"

Love, a loyal customer

Always a...you know.

Watching the movie Bridesmaids (which is a total riot, btw) made me think about the times I've been one. Only thrice in 33 years - not too bad. Plus #4 this summer at my brother's wedding...still, a fairly low number. And all of the dresses have been re-wearable. Not that I have reworn them. But the point is, I could.

None were hoop-skirted, like the travesties above. None involved holding an umbrella. None came with a headpiece. And ladies, I thank you for that. We ALL thank you for that.

It's the end of the world as we know it

(and I feel fine.) Apparently May 21, 2011 is Doomsday - good luck to you and yours. I really enjoyed the story on CNN this morning - it was stuck in towards the end of the hour, with the caption "End of the world predicted for Saturday." Like, eh - no biggie. I might just have to throw some sort of End of the World Bash. Can't think of a better reason to party.

Cheapest bed ever

$55. That's what I paid for this headboard. Because it's a freaking sticker. (And no, I didn't get it in green.)

I figure it will look good from afar...because so many people will be looking at my bed from a telescope. Ha. And ew.

Body by MJ

Sometimes when working out, I'll tell myself that I can stop running, elliptical-ing, etc., when a bad song comes on the iPod. (Of course, all my songs are awesome, so that's not exactly a smart decision...)

But this morning, running while listening to my Michael Jackson mix, I probably could have kept going for an hour. (Thank god for the 30-minute limit on the machines at the gym.) Every freaking song rocked. Although I will admit I fast-forwarded through "Heal the World" - a little slow to run to. But I still loves it, MJ.

Maximus v Punxsutawney Phil

Not sure who would win that battle - my money's on the groundhog. Two good things to come out of a nine-hour SharePoint training seminar yesterday: I won DVDs of Groundhog Day and A Beautiful Mind. Not because of my amazeballs SharePoint skills, though - because of my knowledge of useless facts. (That Barry Manilow did not in fact write "I Write the Songs" and that Britney Spears's first husband was Jason Alexander.) Impressive stuff, I know. But hey - free DVDs.

So freaking cultured, I can't stand it

Tonight, going to the Dallas Theater Center's production of "Cabaret." Thursday, going to the Winspear Opera House for "Rock of Ages." Just to keep myself grounded, I'm going to see "Bridesmaids" tomorrow night. Keepin' it real, peeps.

Back, bitches

For some reason I was unable to log in yesterday, but today...yay. Can I get an amen?

Was finally getting caught up on the DVR'd shows on my bedroom TV - I am so far behind that there were Christmas commercials. Which kind of made me happy. Not gonna lie.

The other thing I noticed, while watching the tragically awesome "Jerseylicious": they put an ironic little disclaimer on the bottom of the screen that says "Tanning isn't pretty. It's deadly. For more information on skin cancer, go to..." Ah, New Jersey. At least there's a positive message that comes out of it. I guess.

And finally, went to Katy Trail Icehouse on Saturday - a.k.a. The Bar Where My Blind Dates Go to Die. (And so does Troy Aikman, apparently.) Ran into two guys I met on Match.com and went out with one time each. Of course they were the slim minority of guys I went out with who actually wanted to go out again. But I didn't. Which made it even more awkward when I plopped down at a table where one of them turned out to be sitting. Seriously? What are the freaking odds.

Man down. And by "man," I mean blog.

My two hilariously awesome posts from yesterday were deleted (as were some hilariously awesome comments by hilariously awesome friends) because of a problem with Blogger. They still haven't rectified the problem, but at least I am finally able to post something. Apologies - I'm sure you all have been checking all day because this is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING going on in your lives. Haaaaa.

But seriously folks. Hoping this thing takes a breather and recoups over the weekend so we can be back in bidness by Monday.

xoxo
Gossip Girl

A limerick. In honor of Limerick Day.

There once was a blonde girl from Dallas.
Who wanted to live in Buckingham Palace.
Once William was married
She set her sights on Prince Harry
But he dumped her because she was callous.

:)

ich ein berliner? PASS.

So this week at the office there are a lot of global executives in town for various meetings. To get everyone together, we had an "Once de Mayo" happy hour last night. And yes, I'm aware that once and once look the same. Whatever. My Spanish-speaking friends know what's up.

I decided to wear the above mustache for like 3 hours. I was hoping others would follow suit, but not so much. Ah well - not like I really know anyone yet, anyway. I'm sure I made an excellent first impression.

So this one older, foreign gentleman came up and started complimenting my 'stache and how interesting it looked with my blonde hair, etc. He wandered off and I asked my co-worker who he was. Turns out he's the head of the German office and has been a total douche to me via email. But I think maybe he thought I was a Nazi sympathizer or something, what with the mustache and my Aryan nation blonde hair and blue eyes...so basically he was being nice b/c he thought I was one of his peeps. Hilarious, yet not so much.

And ripping that thing off my face felt like I got my lip waxed. Maybe I should stick some under my eyebrows.

He's just small potatoes

Shag is one of the best movies ever. If you've never seen it or - god forbid - didn't like it, maybe we can't be friends after all. In one memorable scene, Bridget Fonda rocks a Confederate flag bikini. (The movie takes place in South Carolina in the 1960s - not that it makes it much more PC, but still. Puts it into context.) I found a super-cute American flag bikini by Juicy on the Everything But Water website (Attention any of these companies: feel free to pay me royalties), and since it was a little pricey, decided to Google "flag bikinis" to see what popped up in my price range. A bunch of Confederate flag bikinis, is what. Plus some American flag bikinis and some (shout-out!) Texas flag bikinis as well. And they were all so teensy that there's no way this girl will be joining any sort of flag bikini team this year. But my question - do people in 2011 REALLY still purchase Confederate flag bikinis. Or hell - anything with the Confederate flag. I did see one flying in Highland Park a few months ago - figured maybe their kid went to Ole Miss or something? But still. I wouldn't be ballsy enough to rock the stars and bars - even if I had the bod to fill it out. Soapbox rant over. And now I really want to watch Shag.

It's like being in the natural history museum

Heard this ad on the radio this morning for a new dinosaur exhibit at the Fort Worth Zoo - and the announcer said, "including the TYRONE-asaurus Rex!" Exsqueeze? Is that a relation of the TYRESE-ceratops? Seriously. That can't be right.

Which brings to mind... A. those "a-saurus" t-shirts that were ridiculously popular in the 80s. (Shopasaurus! Grumpasaurus! etc.) Why.

and B. a Ke$ha song which I only heard at the concert but am now semi-obsessed where she spells "D-I-N-O-S-A you are a dinosaur..." So you get spelling and a way to reject old dudes from hitting on you all in one. Yay Ke$ha.

Sweet

Love Andy Samberg. Love his band The Lonely Island even more. Especially since the new album, "Turtleneck & Chain," features Snoop Dogg AND Michael Bolton. (Not together, but how amazeballs would THAT be.) "I'm on a boat" is still in rotation on my ipod - I have no doubt that there is more awesomeness in store.

Please god tell me she has shorts on

Oh, Jessica.

Such a sucker for a romantic comedy

Went to see "Something Borrowed" yesterday at Northpark. On Mother's Day. Big mistake, HUGE. It was standing-room only. I thought going during the Mavericks game would thin out the crowds, but not so much. Had very low expectations for the movie, but it was better than I thought. Plus how much do I heart John Krasinski. So much.

Maybe Lamar Odom's reality show has blurred reality?

What the F was that yesterday? Bynum was the worst, but Lamar didn't display much more sportsmanship. I was reminded of the Dook game where Hansbrough got his nose broken. Both times the better man won (MAVS! HEELS!), and it just seemed like the bad guys were out of options. Not that manhandling someone is every really a viable option...
Go back to LA, losers.

Whatever happened to "Jane" and "Michael"

I guess those names are too "boring" for celebrities. No, instead we've got Moroccan and Monroe (thanks, Mariah), and Mirabella Bunny (Bryan Adams). Although the winners for me are the poor kids of Chef Jamie Oliver: Buddy Bear Maurice and his sisters Poppy Honey Rosie, Daisy Boo Pamela and Petal Blossom Rainbow. Middle school is going to be rough on those kiddos.

My standards are dropping like flies

I am a big proponent of dates being "geographically desirable." Meaning they live in DALLAS. With a 214 area code. Not Midlothian. Not Waxahachie. Not even Plano. (and yes, these are all matches I received during the eHarm era.) And yet, who did I go out with last night? A guy who lives in Atlanta. WTMF. His cell has a 214 area code, though, if that counts for anything...


Man I'm slipping.

El Guapo

Um, why have I always thought Cinco de Mayo was Mexican Independence Day?? Wikipedia set me straight with the headline "NOT to be confused with Mexico's Independence Day, which falls on September 16." Um, oops. Oh, well - Cuervo shots for everyone! Who cares the reason!

Movin' on up (no place else to go from here)

After 6(!) years in my current apartment, I think I'm finally moving. I pay so little for living where I do that it's been tough to bite the bullet and move, but it's not exactly the Trump Tower...

I have to get quarters every week for the washer and dryer - and let me tell you, quarters are hard to find. Especially when you need 10. Which is why I don't separate my whites and my darks. One load, DONE. Classy. (Also why I don't buy red socks. Well, there are a few reasons why I don't buy red socks.)

I also don't have a dishwasher. Which isn't that big of a deal as a single girl who uses plastic dishes (developed a fear of china - the dishware, not the country - after I broke a ceramic dish and it sliced my leg and I got 9 stitches), but still. Would be nice.

And don't get me started on the window A/C units. Which absolutely don't cut it during the 105-degree Dallas summers. Right around May 15 I just resign myself to the fact that I will be sweating from the minute I wake up to the minute I go to sleep. And then throughout the night as well. So basically constantly sweating until October. Pretty girl!

As you can see, it's probably high time I got the F out of there. There are 10 units in the complex, and I have officially become the person who has lived there the longest. Which is NOT something to be proud of.

It's been fun (ish), but methinks it's time to put on my big girl pants and live in a big girl apartment. (What- you thought I was being an adult and buying a HOUSE? Baby steps, people.)

The mullet is everywhere.

...even on the Met Costume Institute Gala red carpet. If this dress doesn't scream "business in the front, party in the back," I don't know WHAT does.

I could lose myself in Craigslist

Having a yard sale (haha accidentally wrote "tard sale" - which probably belongs on a whole other website) with a friend in June, and we're debating advertising it on Craigslist. I've been scanning it as part of my "research." Dear god. Greatness.

I think I have mentioned my affinity for the "missed connections" section. It's just so tragic that these people reach out on a site where I'd say the odds of them actually making that connection are about 2%, and yet...page after page of "desperately seeking susan" situations.

And some of these guys are just awesomely pathetic. Like one who was trying to find a girl from a Quik Stop who had admired his car. And he titled the post "Porsche Whore?" Sure. Because every girl likes to be called that. Good luck on your search, pal.

Slightly nervous to put my address on this kind of site, but my rationale is that we used to advertise in the classifieds of the paper, right? So this is kind of the same thing??

(If there are no further blog posts after June 11, someone call the authorities. Just a heads up. I did see "The Craigslist Murderer" on Lifetime.)

Because they're fascinating.

Yes, I'm devoting an entire post to fascinators. I seriously can't get enough. Although this one is a little Gaga-esque for my liking...

They had a more normal one up for auction this weekend at the derby, and I almost bid on it. Hell - I could always go as a royal wedding guest for Halloween. Get my money's worth.

Sidenote: My mom thought they were FASTEN-ators, because they fastened onto stuff. Love it.

Maybe they should make crib sheets

The poor girl who sang the national anthem at Lone Star Park yesterday totally botched the lyrics. As did Christina Aguilera on a much larger scale. Not sure why this song is so difficult for people - maybe it's all the "o'er's" and "ramparts" - but may I suggest writing the lyrics on your hand? Or investing in a teleprompter? Just spitballing here.

(And btw - YAY USA!!)