I clearly have the word SUCKER printed on my forehead

Man these guys see me coming. And by "these guys" I mean the alarm installation guys. One showed up unannounced on Saturday to tell me that thieves scoured the internet to find out which homes had been recently sold (how these deviants are getting access to computers, I don't know), so I was verrrry vulnerable. He was even so kind as to point to the large windows facing the back yard where a burglar would enter. I flat-out told him he was terrifying me, but he didn't seem to care and bumped up my installation date to Wednesday night.

The guy came last night and continued the reign of terror, pointing to an app on his phone indicating how many burglaries had occurred and how many sex offenders lived in the area. (NOTE: not many sex offenders, so there's that) Long story short, what was going to be a $0 installation visit turned into a $377 full-service package complete with remote access and window sensors. Holy fortress, Batman. I am SUCH a sucker. Especially considering the nice retired man who lives across the street (and is president of the HOA and in charge of the neighborhood watch) called to inform me that a strange grey car was parked in front of my house and did I need help. Ironically, he was alerting me to the alarm guy. BOOM. Double protection.

I fought the lawn and the lawn won

Well, I attempted to mow the lawn on Monday. My sweet friends gave me their old lawnmower and even drove it to my house (NOTE: The Ford Mustang is cute and sporty, but a terrible choice when you are moving and actually need to drive stuff around.). Showed me how to use it (gas?? oil?? who knew?!) and I "mowed" the front yard. I say "mowed" because it really doesn't look good. Like a five-year-old who gives himself a haircut. Plus the fact that I don't own an edger or a weed-whacker or whatever the hell else I need. But still - I tried. And then I tried to tackle the back yard, where the grass is so long my dog gets hidden. Cut one swath and then the mower stopped. I tried restarting it a few times, cursed loudly (sorry new neighbors, but I mean get used to it), and finally gave up. At least there's one random pathway in the middle of the yard, right? Seriously. I'm calling a yard guy. #cryinguncle #wavingthewhiteflag #igive

Bachelorette recap: Every party needs a Kupah, that's why we invited you - party Kupah! Party Kupah!

It's Kaitlyn's world, and we're just living in it, people. She is SO EXCITED to have beaten out Britt be the bachelorette - let's get this party started! And since these people aren't fun enough on their own, let's throw in some celebrity guest appearances to spice up the group!

First group date, first celebrity guest: Laila Ali. Because they are boxing to the death, duh. Daniel, Justin, Jared, Corey, Tanner, Kupah, Ben H and Ben Z are equally psyched/nervous as hell to play Rocky Balboa to Kaitlyn's Adrian. Jared and Ben Z make it to the finals, where Jared then gets a punch to the back of the head and ends up with a concussion and has to miss most of the evening festivities, although he manages to swing by and kiss Kaitlyn (who also kissed most of the other dudes, but whatev). Ben Z gets the rose, which he deserved just by winning the boxing match in my opinion.

First one-on-one date goes to Clint - a real "hunk of meat" according to Kaitlyn. They do an underwater photo shoot. Very odd choice of date, but again, whatev. They proceed to (say it with me) make out, and Kait is feeling the sparks fly so gives him a rose. Dare I say Clint went ahead and made her day. HEY-OH

Last group date is stand-up comedy at the Improv, with special guest star (and self-proclaimed Bachelor fan) Amy Schumer! (NOTE: these epsiodes are so much better with Kimmel and Schumer. Perhaps we can get them as recurring characters?) Amy asks Kait if it would be okay if she hooked up with a couple of leftovers. Love her.

Jonathan, Joshua, Chris, Ian, Joe and Tony are terrified to have to get on stage and tell jokes. JJ is not. He is super confident and knows he's going to kill it. Mmm-kay. Amy has a few comedienne friends to help them out, and finds JJ to be a turd. Foreshadow alert. But the guys actually do pretty well, get some laughs - except Tony, who does get laughs but more AT him not WITH him. Oh, Tony. Poor confused healer Tony who takes this opportunity to share how #blessed he is. And then admits he is wasted. Yay Tony.

Kaitlyn begins the kissing train, smooching JJ after he talked about his daughter, who misses her terribly but there's no place he'd rather be (really??), then Kentucky Joe who throws out a "well I'll be!" Sealing the deal for Southern dudes everywhere, but not for Joe - JJ gets the rose.

At the cocktail party, the guys decide to give the three fellas who weren't picked to go on dates some time to bond with Kaitlyn. Well, all the guys except JJ, who swoops in and steals her away immediately. Ooooh. Low blow, fella. (One guy even questions: "Power move or dick move?!") After kissing her again, JJ comes back in, tells the guys he's #sorrynotsorry and eagerly accepts the Most Hated Man on the Bachelorette (soon to be the Next Contestant on Bachelor in Paradise).

This angers Tony, and Tony is a healer who doesn't get angry. Someone that does, apparently, is Kupah, who accuses Kaitlyn of keeping him to make a diversity quota (ooooh) and is she even interested at all?? Kait fires back, saying he was the only one who didn't talk to her on the boxing date, and was HE even interested at all?? He continues to rant and rave, and she said she felt a connection but it was no longer there. Kupah runs into the next room and tells the guys everything, clearly in earshot of Kaitlyn, who marches in and gives him the boot. "But I don't want to go! You're so hot!" Um, too little too late, bub. He then begins yelling at the camera crew trying to film his exit interview, and Kaitlyn gets worried about their safety and heads outside.  To Be Continued...

(#argh)

I would NOT make a good Amish person.

It has come to the sad point of packing where I had to return my cable boxes and pack away my TVs. Which means I will have nothing to do tonight except pack. And, god forbid, read?! (Please. My iPad still works. I'll just watch something on that. Thank god.)

Movers come tomorrow and they are shutting off my power tomorrow, which means no wi-fi and therefore no blog until Tuesday. But at that point I'll be in my new house AND will have hopefully connected cable in time to catch The Bachelorette on Monday night. Priorities, people. Not proud of them, but there they are.

And the Bachelorette is...

Kaitlyn! Don't think this was a very well-kept secret, but there it is. Britt left in tears, crying so much I couldn't make out what she was saying in the limo. But lucky for Britt, all was not lost - Brady left voluntarily to "follow his heart" - bold move after meeting her about an hour ago, but such is how this show goes.

Kaitlyn, super-psyched to be "your Bachelorette" (as if she's been crowned Miss America or something), makes out with cupcake car guy and Shawn, who looks a little like Ryan Gosling if you squint. I guess she did, because she gave Shawn the first impression rose.  She should have given him the metal rose the welder made for her, but I guess that would have been rude.

Who goes home (besides Britt and Brady: the carPOOL guy, the stripper (thank god), and two dudes I don't know (although apparently named David and Shawn W because I looked it up).

Really a pretty tame episode, until they showed upcoming scenes from this season. Nick V returns and seems to have chemistry with Kaitlyn (i.e. they make out a lot), and then Kaitlyn seems to have something else with a contestant, and decides to confess to the rest of the guys that they slept together. Let the slut-shaming begin! Girrrrrrl.

Two Bachelorettes is two too awkward.

Sorry for the delayed post - was playing in a charity golf tournament for work all morning. But I'm back, and there was a Bachelorette premiere last night. featuring not one, but TWO bachelorettes! Kaitlyn's joke oretty much summed it up:
Knock knock...
Who's there?
Two Bachelorettes.
Two Bachelorettes who?
That's the joke!
Annnnd cue crickets. At least in Britt's corner - she's there for LOVE, dammit! Not stand-up comedy!

But first, we have to meet the guys. All 25 of them. Lots of country guys (perhaps vying to be the next Chris Soules?). A "healer" (who arrived with a black eye that no one asked about. WTF kind of healing is this?). An "amateur sex coach." Really? Isn't that every guy? A guy who arrived in a hot tub car (aka "carPOOL" - get it?!). And the guy who wins, arriving in a cupcake car.

The guys must awkwardly approach either Kaitlyn or Britt first, kissing their hand, telling them how beautiful they are...and then turn and have nearly the same conversation with the other one. Loud enough for both to hear. Plus, some of the guys bring gifts for one girl but not the other...holy awkwardness! Wonder if the ladies were told to wear black (Kaitlyn) and white (Britt), to really solidify how different they are. Probably.

Although in the driveway it seems like more guys are here for Britt, once inside we see that Kaitlyn has a lot of fans as well. And the guys' votes decide WHO STAYS, WHO GOES. #mostdramaticroseceremonyever

So the ladies start working the room like it's their job - and it is. All the guys are on board - except Ryan, who gets out of control drunk, gropes Kaitlyn and goes swimming in a black Speedo. Thank goodness Chris Harrison bids him a fond farewell and sends him packing. Man down, guys - man down!

We're left hanging to see if Britt or Kaitlyn will be the next Bachelorette, and I'm left wondering if the guys who want the girl who doesn't get picked will secede in some rogue Bachelor gang out of protest. Holy cliffhanger...

Billboard Music Awards: WTF. (Clearly I'm old)

Kind of glad I recorded the Billboard Music Awards last night so I could fast forward through the commercials, acts I didn't want to see, and any uncomfortable parts of the show. Which meant I ended up watching about 15 minutes total. (insert wide-eyed emoji here - wouldn't it be great to be able to use emojis in work emails and blogs? Sigh.) From those 15 minutes, I gathered the following thoughts:

Taylor Swift looked amaze, but really needs to eat a sandwich.
So happy to see Diamond Dave back with Van Halen, even though he didn't sound all that great.
Someone else who didn't sound all that great: Mariah.
Fairly disappointed in the Britney performance as well, which is ironic since she lip syncs.

That's about it, in a nutshell. Which is basically what you get with 15 minutes.

Flashback Friday (unintentionally)

When I went to the gym, I used to read magazines on the elliptical. But now even though I no longer belong to a gym, I still buy the magazines at the store out of habit (and out of wanting to know the latest celebrity gossip). Which means the magazines stack up over time, since I rarely have time to read them. Yesterday I was reading one while drying my hair (hey - it's boring), and started feeling confused. Taylor Swift is only 23? Orlando Bloom is still married to Miranda Kerr? Then flipped to the cover and realized I was reading an InStyle from November 2013. Good grief - my apartment is worse than the doctor's office! #oldnews #literally

Moving woes

I feel like all I do at night is pack boxes. And STILL have not touched the closet. It's like I'm willing my clothes to just pack themselves. Like in Mary Poppins - they will just magically float through the air and fold up nicely into the box. (Seriously. Why can't this happen.)

And my new stress is realizing that, since I'm getting a new cable provider, I have to watch everything on the DVR by next Thursday morning. AAAACK that's a lot of Real Housewives programming to cram into a week. Challenge accepted.

Literally learning something new every day

I learned a new word yesterday. I still can't believe it's a real word, because it's so amazing: ballerino. As in a male ballet dancer. Apparently we have a "ballerino" at work, and people were talking about it. And why wouldn't they. It's kind of like finding a unicorn. Or a manicorn. Hey-oh.

Because any day you can quote a Corey Haim movie is a good day.

I have to go to the DMV to get a new license, both to reflect my new address and to destroy any remaining evidence of the Summer of Bangs. (Seriously - worst driver's license photo EVER.)
And every time I go to the DMV, I think of the scene in License to Drive where the crazy red-headed lady snatches up Corey Haim's license and says, "The Lord giveth and the DMV taketh away. You mustn't fuck with the Department of Motor Vehicles." (sidebar: this was rated PG-13, which proves my theory that movie ratings in the 80s were much less strict than they are today.)

And now I really want to watch License to Drive. #thecoreys

Let the packing commence.

Moving in a week and a half, and it's a virtual cardboard-fest at my apartment. How one person can accumulate so much crap in a one-bedroom apartment is beyond me, and I haven't even started on my closet yet. Guessing the "spacious" three-bedroom home I'm moving into will be packed to the gills within a week. #firstworldproblems

It really sells itself

I follow a bunch of online garage sales (although with my tiny car, it's fairly pointless since I could never go pick up anything anyway). This post caught my eye - and not in a good way:

I mean - you're not even going to open the bags? People are just supposed to hope for the best? I guess for $5, that sounds about right.

Stay classy, San Diego

Now in San Diego (technically La Jolla) for a conference. Would have gotten here earlier, but the train from LA was delayed yesterday because not one but two people jumped in front of trains. Which is terrible and a tragedy. But also made for a very long day/night on the track.

Ron Swanson sighting

Sadly, not in real life - but I've been watching a few episodes of The George Lopez Show this week(there's nothing else on when I work out early in the morning on the west coast), and he's on it! Nick Offerman, that is. It makes me a little sad, actually - but I know he goes on to greatness (like Ron Swanson), so it will all be okay. As Ron himself says, "Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing." #truth

Leaving my heart in San Francisco

We knocked out almost everything we wanted to do while in town - Napa/Sonoma winery tour, rode a cable car, walked along Fishermen's Wharf, visited Chinatown, bought miniature Alcatraz handcuffs and saw the sea lions (!). The only thing we didn't find: Rice-a-roni. I mean, it's the "San Francisco treat" - shouldn't it be sold in local restaurants? We almost asked the front desk as a joke, but decided against it.

Next stop: Los Angeles. Here's hoping for a celeb siting (or 12)...

I'll drink to that.

Working in California this week. In San Francisco until tomorrow, then on to LA for a couple days, and ending in San Diego for a conference. The hotel we're staying at in SFO has a free wine hour from 5-6, which of course we have partaken in every day. The hilarious part: it's ALL women. And after a couple of free glasses of wine, you become besties with these people. We have befriended a mother-daughter duo from Rhode Island, two girls from Canada and two lovely Aussie women. It's truly hilarious. Wine = the ultimate (and universal, apparently) connector.

You know you're tired when

...you stand outside the office building furiously swiping your FOB at the door, only to realize you're swiping the FOB for your apartment building. No wonder it wouldn't open. Too bad it took like 5 minutes for me to figure this out. zzzzz