Pennies. beware

Confession time: I really enjoy using the Coinstar machine. I find it so rewarding to dump a big pile of change in there, and then a little ticket prints out and you leave with cash. Kind of like I won money for doing nothing. (I realize this is a completely inaccurate assessment, but hey. Still feels like it.)

Another lowlight (NOT highlight) of online dating

Got an email from a married man. There are several who are "separated," but this guy flat-out said in his profile that he was married. Bold move, dude. Aren't there sites for that? www.ashleymadison.com for example?? (Please note that I did not respond. Pass.)

Bachelor recap: Outside face :) versus Inside face :/

Another glorious episode of the Bachelor, in which we travel to Seoul. Not sure why, but whatever. The first group date serves as back-up dancers for 21, a "K-Pop" group who is apparently big in shopping malls. Like South Korea's version of Tiffany. I had to fast-forward through JP dancing, as it was awkward and painful to watch. Sweet pediatric nurse Nikki has suddenly become Public Enemy #1, talking smack and being negative and annoyed that she's on a group date and can only do the Sprinkler when asked to dance. Not sure where this side of her came from, but clearly JP digs it because she gets the rose. Even in the face of Kat's impressive back-up dancer moves. Or at least, impressive in her mind.

Opera singer Sharleen gets the one-on-one date, and she's still waffling about if she even likes the guy or not. But he's a good kisser, she busts out some operatic tunes for him, and accepts the rose. Because they might be...wait for it...SEOUL MATES. Hey-oh.

The final group date is "crazy," involving Korean karaoke in a weird dollhouse, swan paddleboats, fish pedicures (eeks!) and trying octopus, which Clare played to her advantage (to the dismay of the rest of the group). The other girls find her territorial, which as Kelly the dog lover says, is only okay if you're a dog. Anyone else find her hilarious? Guess the dog didn't get to make the trip overseas, but I say KELLY THE DOG LOVER AS THE NEXT BACHELORETTE. Just throwing it out there. In the evening, JP all of a sudden decides he has kissed too many women on TV and won't be doing that anymore, to the dismay of Lauren, who asks for a beso and gets flat-out rejected. Harsh in any language. And then he does kiss Clare, who is starting to bug me with her comments: "do I have chocolate breath?" Oof. Andi walks away with the rose.

At the rose ceremony, Mean Nikki goes against the "rose pact" and steals JP away from Clare, even though she already has a rose. Daaaaamn, girl. Not gonna win you any fans at the mansion. JP asks about any tension between the girls, and she assumes Clare ratted her out. A mini-catfight ensues, with poor Dog Lover caught in the middle. (Nice mention of cats and dogs, no?)

Lauren and Elise get the boot, and we get a glimpse of Elise's neon green sequin miniskirt under her dress (?). Next week, it's dramz in Namz (Vietnam, that is)!

"Grown sexy?" Or GROAN sexy?

I'm ashamed to say I watched the Sean and Catherine wedding last night - well, 75% of it. I finally had to turn it off. They are super boring, the whole thing was leading up to the infamous Wedding Night (how awkward was the Honeymoon Suite Cam?!), and her wedding theme of "grown sexy" was the weirdest thing I have ever heard. Poor Mindy Weiss, the celebrity wedding planner. I'm sure she was like "um, what."

I did flip back to the Grammys occasionally - and I have to say, the opening number with Beyonce and Jay-Z was flat-out sexy. No "grown" about it. Damn.

Ugly Christmas sweater or Olympic outfit? You be the judge.

Really??? I expected better from you, Ralph (Lauren). This is fairly tragic. But still - go team.

Throwback Thursday, commercial edition

For some reason the other night while lying awake (insomnia, you're a bitch), I got the old Big Red gum jingle stuck in my head. And realized they don't do gum commercials anymore. So I found this nice compilation of old-school gum commercials - Doublemint twins! Big League Chew! It's enough to make me smile. And my dentist cringe.

Move over, My Little Pony

It's time for My First Missoni! (see, it rhymes)

If only Mattel made these when I was little.

Down with JPG, yeah you know me (Juan Pablo Galavis, duh)

I am liking Juan Pablo less and less - for one thing, his homophobic remarks; for another, his conversations with the women are a little offensive, shallow and chauvinistic to me. But he DOES look good with his shirt off....I digress.

We start off with a one-on-one date with Cassandra, the 21-year-old (!) single mom. A ride in a car/boat (been there, done that - shout out to the Boston Duck Boat tours!) followed by cooking dinner equals a fairly boring date. She giggles a lot, which I find annoying, and tells us no less than 5 times that she hasn't been on a date in three years, but clearly he's on board because she gets a rose.

Next up, the "let's kick it" group date. Which had me humming Ice Ice Baby for the rest of the program. Of course, to JP, "let's kick it" means soccer. So he pits the 10 girls against each other and each time they score, they do embarrassing things like pose for pretend paparazzi. Why. Poor Sharnell gets a ball in the upper thigh and on the cheek, but still manages to keep her stoic, bored expression. JP then pulls the girls aside for one-on-one chats, makes out with one in the vending area of the soccer stadium (ew), and basically makes each one feel like they will get the rose. Including Sharnell, who has a very awkward first kiss on the 50-yard-line. Which I know doesn't exist in soccer. The midfield? (It's been a while since I've played.) But the rose goes to pediatric nurse Nikki. Whatever.

It's Elise versus Chelsi back at the homestead, each vying for the last one-on-one date. 27-year-old Elise is convinced it will be her, because 24-year-old Chelsi is "a baby." When Chelsi gets the date, Elise proceeds to tell everyone in the house what a baby she is. Mmmm-kay. JP takes Chelsi bungee-jumping, leading me to think of the infamous parental warning "if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you do it?" No, no I wouldn't. And Chelsi didn't want to. But JP used his Latin wiles and messed with her head: "just do it for me." "Don't worry about what I'm thinking." And then won her over with "you don't have to do it." Yeah right - you don't have to do it if you want to go home...so they jumped off a freaking bridge and had an upside-down Spiderman kiss. Although since it was under a bridge and they were both upside-down, maybe more of a Batman kiss? And I believe JP was wearing jean shorts. Just saying.

They end the date with dinner and dancing with yet another obscure musician, and Chelsi gets the rose. She reminds me of Mary Lynn Rajskub:

The day of the rose ceremony, JP decides to kick things up a notch and surprises the ladies by showing up to cook breakfast. My favorite part of the entire episode was when Dog Lover came down to let her dog out, and was wearing pjs, glasses and no bra, and wouldn't let him see her face. Classic and so what I would do. And in classic dude fashion, he stuffed them with carbs and then demanded they all get in their bikinis for a pool party. Kat happily popped up on JP's shoulders for some chickenfights, which are always fun in your 30s. Clare and Sharnell shed some tears, and JP soothed them both, as only he can.

Lucy the Free Spirit (who carried out her Louboutin shoes! If she owns these shoes why isn't she wearing them?!) and Kristie (who has had zero screen time, but I liked her booty shorts) are given the axe. Meh.

Terrible twos, doggie-style (wait, that came out wrong)

In typical two-year-old fashion, during her walk this morning Charlie pooped and then promptly rolled around in it. I swear to god, having a dog is excellent preparation for having a kid. #grossallaround

A new low in online dating

Got my first email from a girl, asking if I was bi or bi-curious. Nope, not curious. Not even the least bit curious. But thanks for asking? I guess?

#brosbeforehos

A different time, indeed

I grew up with a jukebox, so am somewhat familiar with "the oldies." However, re-hearing one recently made me laugh at how inappropriate the lyrics would be today. I give you Neil Sedaka's "Happy Birthday, Sweet 16" :

Tra la-la-la-la la-la-la-la
Happy birthday sweet sixteen
Tra la-la-la-la la-la-la-la
Happy birthday sweet sixteen
Tonight's the night I've waited for
Because you're not a baby anymore
You've turned into the prettiest girl I've ever seen
Happy birthday sweet sixteen
What happened to that funny face
My little tomboy now wears satin and lace
I can't believe my eyes you're just a teenage dream
Happy birthday sweet sixteen
When you were only six I was your big brother
Then when you were ten We didn't like each other
When you were thirteen You were my funny valentine
But since you've grown up Your future is sewn up
From now on you're gonna be mine, so
If I should smile with sweet surprise
It's just that you've grown up before my very eyes
You've turned into the prettiest girl I've ever seen
Happy birthday sweet sixteen

SNOTD (statement necklace of the day)

No Punky Power here.

http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/christina-ricci-sparks-riccing-trend-kelly-ripa-michael-strahan-attempts-2014141

This gives me flashbacks of a Very Special Punky Brewster when Cherie hid inside a fridge and almost died. No "Ricci-ing" for me.

"Love is about straddling" and other Bachelor words of wisdom

Well, we got our first drunken nightmare out of the way last night...sayonara, Victoria. Good call on JP's part for getting rid of her.

The first date went to Clare, the girl who wore the fake baby bump on the first night. It was a cute date - producers created a winter wonderland and there was ice skating and sledding and of course hot tubbing. And a random performance by a guy I didn't know, complete with slow dancing in bikinis. As Clare surmised, it was "just the tip of the iceberg." Clever, producers, clever. Rose.

Next up was Kat, who got the weirdest date ever - a private jet to Salt Lake City, just in time to take part in the Electric Run, a 5K with neon lights and glow-in-the-dark everything. I enjoy athletic events as much as the next guy, but a 5K on a first date isn't the best. JP pulled Kat up onto the stage and gave her the rose, in front of thousands of screaming "fans," but somehow Kat felt they were the only ones there. Sure.

Then it was group date time, and another odd choice. Photo shoot for Models & Mutts, in an effort to get a bunch of adorable pups adopted (yay!). But the costumes ranged from bikinis to dresses to fire hydrants to...nothing, as Elise and the ADA (can't remember her name) got assigned to wear nothing but "Adopt me" signs. Clever Elise swapped with Lucy the Free Spirit who has been walking around completely naked the whole time anyway, but the ADA is freaked out. What will her job say about this?? JP sits her down and reassures her that he'll be naked too, so let's give it a go. Miraculously she is convinced that this is a good idea, and they snap the pics. After the shoot, it's pool time (of course), and Victoria starts getting wasted. She freaks out about her lack of one-on-one time and tries to leave, but producers won't let her because she doesn't have on any shoes. (But it's okay for Free Spirit not to wear any the entire first night?) She locks herself in the bathroom and is completely inconsolable. So JP gives the rose to Dog Lover (who did have the most unfortunate outfit to wear during the photo shoot) and visits V in her hotel the next day to give her the boot.

Before the rose ceremony, JP kindly visits with the women he didn't have dates with - the opera singer (I was honestly wondering where she had been - thought maybe she made a run for it), who apologizes for acting bitchy when she got the rose last time but still seems super not into it, Danielle who I didn't recognize with her straight hair, and crazy reporter Amy who makes a complete fool of herself but staging a fake interview with JP and I knew she was a goner. Particularly when she tells the camera how well she thought it went. Oof.

Amy and Chantel are given the boot, but opera singer still barely accepts the rose ("um, sure?") and seems to stir up some dramz next week. Viva.

OOTD (outfit of the day)

Golden Globes 2014 fashion: the good, the bad and the confusing

Loved:

Reese Witherspoon
Tina Fey
Olivia Wilde
Julianna Margulies
Emma Roberts
Sofia Vergara (that necklace!! want.)
Jenna Dewan Tatum


Didn't love:

Julia Roberts
Paula Patton
Sandra Bullock
Taylor Swift
Julie Bowen


And just plain didn't get:

Emma Watson
Zoe Saldana
Rashida Jones
Megan Mullaly. Seriously.

"Bad" is the way to start a song title, apparently

I started listening to my iPod in my car (yay for cool features that my old car didn't have), and at the moment I'm listening to all songs in alphabetical order. And it's kind of awesome. I particularly enjoyed driving home last night to the early B songs. For example:

Baba O'Riley
Baby Blue (gotta throw in a little George Strait)
Baby Got Back (my karaoke jam)
Baby I Love Your Way
Back 2 the Hotel
Back in Time (Pitbull. International. Whatever)
Back to Good
Bad
Bad Boys
Bad Connection (YAZ, people. Yaz.)
Bad Day
Bad Medicine
Bad Reputation
Bad Romance
Bad Touch (doing it like they do on the Discovery Channel? anyone remember this gem?)
Barbie Girl
Bawitdaba
Be My Lover
Beat It


And you get the idea. Bring on the latter end of the B songs.

And purse of the day (with accompanying outfit)

Shoes of the day

Silver oxfords. It's a thing, people.

Daytime TV. The worst.

Finally back at work, but I have to say - sitting home during the week is not that fun, particularly from a TV perspective. The Wendy Williams show - why is this still on? She is terrifying to watch (and HAS to be a man, yes?). Bethenny - I like her, but her show is not good. Every single episode I've seen features someone on another Bravo show. Is that all she can get? Apparently. Too bad SoapNet is gone - I could have easily filled my days watching reruns of 90210. #emilyvalentineforever

Putting the F-U in "flu"

The good news: I've achieved my New Year's resolution to lose 5 pounds. The bad news: it's because of the flu. Still counts though, right?

Yep - I have the flu. Not sure I've ever had it, and pretty sure I never want it again. So apologies - no outfit of the day again today. Hoping to be back at work tomorrow...slimmer and paler than ever!

No outfit of the day today

...because I'm home sick. And no one needs to see my flannel pajamas. :)

El Bachelor, en espanol

Well, folks, it's that time again: JUAN PABLO. BACHELOR. A few highlights from episode uno:

"Juan Pablo" is going to get old after a while - can we not call him "JP" or something? Kind of surprised Chris Harrison hasn't already busted that one out, to be honest.

His daughter Camila is too cute.

His English isn't great. They add subtitles when he speaks Spanish - might be helpful when he's speaking English as well...

And now, for the ladies:

Nothing too embarassing about the limo entrances, although I did fast-forward through the "chemistry" experiment and the girl playing the rolling piano was a bit awkward. As was the girl with the fake baby bump - WTF. And of course the biggest question of the night: How does one get into the line of work of a "Free Spirit" or a "Dog Lover?" Because I'm very interested in both; maybe combining the two...

I have to give JP (or more likely the producers) credit for creating a dance party complete with photo booth - this is right up my alley.

The first impression rose went to the opera singer from Germany (!) who reminds me of Olivia Munn. The best part? She almost declined the rose! Man that would have been amazing. She doesn't like him and had a very long awkward pause when he asked if she would accept the rose. And he thought she was just speechless! CLASSIC.

Massage therapist in the gold lame gown: the massage was super creepy. She seemed to enjoy it more than he did. (and she didn't get a rose, so I guess that's accurate)

Redhead Kylie who thought he said her name in the rose ceremony but he didn't (and then got the boot) - embarassing. But way to show that redheads can wear pink!

The Crier from Oklahoma (there's always one) - so mortifying when she told JP about her broken engagement. You knew it was going to be painful when she said "I didn't want to start with this, but..." No shit, sweetie. Go with your gut. (No rose)

And miracle of miracles, both the Dog Lover and the Free Spirit (without shoes!) made it to the next round. It would be nice to have a dog running around...

Outfit of the day

Karma. She's a bitch.

I had RSVP'd yes to a wedding on Saturday that I didn't want to attend, and was just going to tell the groom I was sick. And sure enough, on Saturday I did wake up sick. Even worse yesterday - I even had to break out the ol' digital thermometer (excellent stocking stuffer gift from a few years back). Had a fever, a hideous cough and a pounding headache. Awesome. Sure glad I got a flu shot this year. Humph.

And side bar: how high of a fever is too high to go to work? I'm assuming anything over 100. Stay tuned.

OY.

Since it's a new year and watching everyone smooch their dates at midnight on NYE was about all I could handle, I am back on the online dating scene with a freaking vengeance. Tinder. Match.com. And, god help me, OKCupid. It's been 48 hours and it's already a complete nightmare. Exhibit A: a 59-year-old guy with the screenname "HornyinDallas" winked at me last night. Ummmm, PASS. On many many levels. Should be a fun 3 months.

At least my "closet cleanse" resolution is going strong (only day 2, but hey)...

(Please note that these are different jeans and boots from yesterday. I think that counts.)

Capelet: the photo.

In an effort to drive off any remaining male readers (ha), I will try to document the outfits via photos as well. At least on the semi-cute days. :)

My name is Sarah, and I am addicted to clothes. (everyone: "Hi, Sarah.")

So much so that my closet finally buckled under the weight of those clothes yesterday. (Thank god my dog wasn't sleeping in there, as she usually does.) My sweet landlord came over and fixed it, but then stayed to make sure it wouldn't fall again - which meant helping me re-hang the hundreds of items that I had tried to hide in my bedroom. Armfuls and armfuls, back and forth, until we were both a bit sweaty. And I was completely humiliated - it's kind of personal, having a guy see everything you own (clothing-wise). I'm sure he thinks I'm a hoarder or something - he didn't comment except to say that it looked like I had something to wear every day of the year. (at least.) When he then started to help me bring my boots back in (and again, said something like "Wow, you've got a lot of cowboy boots!"), I had to politely stop him. It was too mortifying.

After he left and I stopped blushing, I decided I'm going to try to wear everything in the closet this year. Or throw it away. Challenge ACCEPTED. Today's item of choice? A striped Gap capelet sweater from like 5 years ago when capelets were popular. (I will have to document this on the blog because otherwise I will forget. Plus, the whole accountability thing.)

Let's DO this, 2014.