So very old.

I heard on the radio earlier this week that our kids' kids might not know what cash is, because it's becoming so obsolete. Dear lord. I mean, I rarely have cash, but I know what it looks like! #iamobsolete

More things to make you feel older than dirt:

That was a first.

I'm on this medicine that I have to take with food, otherwise my doctor warned I would be nauseous and might even vomit. This morning, I popped one in and promptly drove to work, munching on my daily breakfast of a Ziploc baggie of almonds. Guess that doesn't qualify as "food," because about thirty minutes later (while in heavy traffic), I started to get that uneasy queasy feeling. Panicked, I first started emptying my purse, thinking I would have to sacrifice it to the puke gods (RIP, fringe leather bag from Paris). But realized I could just use the Ziploc baggie (now empty), and proceeded to puke four times. While driving. I'm sure the people next to me were horrified, so I refused to make eye contact with anyone. Managed to get everything (sadly, including the medicine) out of my system and neatly into the baggie, and continued on to work. I will now be keeping a pack of barf bags in the car to prevent future disasters. Million dollar idea? Or perhaps I'm the only one that this happens to. #probably

She'd like to buy a vowel

Charlie barks whenever the doorbell rings (which, let's be honest, isn't very often). So imagine her confusion the other night when I turned on the TV and randomly Wheel of Fortune was on. Every time the correct letters lit up and dinged, Charlie barked. She kept looking at me, like "get the door, woman!" And all I could do was laugh as the contestants finally solved the puzzle. #thanksvanna

Bachelor recap: when twins (and sex panthers) attack

Ben brings his harem, appropriately, to Vegas for a week of debauchery and jumping out of cakes. Because #vegas. The first one-one-one date goes to JoJo, and after the helicopter knocks over the champagne bottle, glasses and table, they take the opportunity to kiss behind the table (but in clear view of the other ladies). This does NOT sit well with Olivia, since Ben is "hers." We don't see much of the day date, and then it's nighttime and JoJo is ready to let her guard down. Her last boyfriend cheated on her, but she's ready to try again - music to Ben's ears. She gets the rose as fireworks go off. Because this show is all about subtlety.

The group date heads to ventriloquist Terry Fator's show, where he (or his puppet) announces that the girls will be showing off their "talents" in front of a packed audience that night. This would be fine, except none of the girls have a talent. The twins are grateful that their mother made them take dance lessons, so they perform a Lord of the Dance Irish jig. Jubilee rocks the cello. Lauren B juggles. Lauren H wears a chicken suit while reciting an Old MacDonald poem. I believe that was Caila performing the hula, and Leah on a freaking pogo stick. And then there's Olivia. She decides to don the Vegas Showgirl outfit, because she wants to stand out - she and Ben are "bam sha-bam!" And boy does she stand out. They wheel out a giant birthday cake, and out she pops, proceeding to do a very bad seemingly burlesque dance, much to the horror of the other girls (and apparently, the audience AND Terry Fator's puppet).

She knows it was bad, and can't let it go - even forcing some sort of "panic attack" after the show. Alrighty. Then at the reception, Olivia steals him away twice to apologize and fall on her sword. Ben laughs it off, but tells her to please stop apologizing. And she apologizes. BEN should apologize for borrowing a puppet he called "Little Ben" - the conversation with Lauren H and the two Bens was super awkward, especially when Lauren announced that Little Ben was bigger than she expected. HEY-OH. Also in the HEY-OH category: Ben calling Caila a "sex panther," after the outwardly shy girl pounced on him and started making out. Rawr, indeed. Ben spends some quality time with Lauren B, as they reminisce about her potential "last first date ever." He seals the deal by giving Lauren the rose, which sends Olivia off into a desperate spiral.

Not helping the situation: Becca's date card, which arrives with a box containing a wedding dress. Jubilee wishes Ben luck - "if she hasn't lost her virginity in 26 years, it probably won't happen in 6 hours..." Becca meets up with a dapper Ben at the little white wedding chapel, but just as he gets down on one knee, he proposes..to marry OTHER couples! PHEW! (Apparently Ben has conveniently gotten ordained online. Just in time, amiright?) They marry a few couples, and then Ben wants to know if Becca is capable of feeling (ouch). He takes her to a neon sign graveyard (I wanted some of these signs for my house, but that's neither here nor there), and she opens up about being able to love more with him than with Chris. Ben also asks about her virginity and his NON-virginity. She's cool with it, but admits it's tough not to "jump his bones" when she likes a guy. Huh. Ben is satisfied, reads some vows he wrote (aco-taco!), kisses her and gives her the rose.

We still have time for one more date! And it's with the twins. Who are from Las Vegas, so it's basically a hometown date. In which one or both twins will not come back. But hell - they do EVERYTHING together: live, work, date...and treadmill.

(Your eyes aren't deceiving you: there are only two of them. But yes, they are sharing a treadmill.)

Emily and Haley arrive in near-matching outfits to introduce Ben to their identical-looking mom and four obese dachsunds. Haley shows Ben her room, which has a ton of photos of her ex. Odd. Then Emily pulls Ben away, and decides to throw her twin under the bus. Haley is too shy, she's moving too slowly, and she feels too uncomfortable in this setting to move forward. Ben asks the mom's opinion - how very Sophie's Choice - and the mom reiterates that Emily is the more vocal, outgoing of the two. Annnnd peace out, Haley. The girls cry, but Emily looks quite satisfied riding back in the limo alone with Ben. So that just happened.

It's rose ceremony time, and once again, Olivia needs to feel validated and apologize for her cake debacle. She steals him away from Jennifer, who has barely gotten any screen time, and once again Ben tells her to please stop apologizing. He also has to tell this to Jubilee, whose "I'm just so unlovable" act is starting to wear thin. But both of these balls of insecurity covered in sequins get roses, and Amber and Rachel are sent home. Amber is devastated - she takes off her heels in protest - and poor Rachel must head back to Little Rock, unemployed and alone. But she's 23, folks - she'll be just fine.

Next week: viva Mexico!

#imissleftshark

Somehow even without the Dallas Cowboys in the Super Bowl (no big surprise there), I have a team to root for. Actually, two teams - so I'm a little torn. I have family in Colorado, so have some love for the Broncos. And went to school in North Carolina, where most of my college friends still live, so it's awesome to see them so excited about a sport other than basketball. And they are EXCITED, let me tell you. Guess I'll just be neutral and root for Coldplay.

And the truth comes out.

It's possible that I bought a new car this week because I needed to get an extended warranty and four new tires on the old car, and it's just easier to buy a new one. #tradingup #lazyisthenewsexy

Next stop: eBay

Sold my first item online yesterday. I'm not sure why the online garage/yard sales on Facebook make me nervous - I guess because I live alone and don't really want a stranger coming over to my house to pick something up/potentially rape me. (Call me crazy.) So I decided to start small and used the Nextdoor app to sell a flat-screen TV I no longer have space for. The lady that bought it turned out to live a few houses down, so I made some cash AND met a neighbor. Win-win!

What's it gonna take to get YOU into a car TODAY???

There is little I dread more in life than going to buy a car. Take last night, for example. A salesman called me last week to set up an appointment. His co-worker called yesterday morning to confirm. And yet, when I showed up last night, turns out it was his day off. What the hell. So I sat there for like 20 minutes until someone finally came to talk to me (I had driven 30 minutes to get there; I wasn't just going to turn around and go home). Went for a test drive, and then the nightmare of the Numbers Game began. I said I would be willing to put down $XX and would pay up to $XX per month. He came back, asking if I would put down 6 times that amount, and would pay double the monthly rate I asked. I literally snorted - why would I tell him dollar amounts that I didn't mean - and we are still circling around the numbers. They randomly let me take the car home last night, so I'm enjoying driving it (although terrified of something happening since I don't actually own it), but seriously doubt we will be able to come to an agreement. I think that's what I hate the most about this process - the ridiculous game of chicken, going back and forth for hours. Why can't I just tell you what I want to pay, and you either say yes or no??

#itsnotrocketscience

Bachelor recap: #toegate

These girls are getting catty, y'all. Lots of name-calling and accusing, both behind each other's backs and flat-out in front of each other's faces. Let's dip a toe in, shall we?? (haha TOE)

First things first: Olivia spent $40,000 on clothes - for this show? In her entire life? (Either way. SHEESH.) But that drama will rear it's ugly head later - fhe first date card arrives! It's for Lauren B, the young flight attendant who was the first out of the limo but hasn't been seen much since. Ben takes her in an old-timey biplane, complete with bomber hats and aviator goggles. Somehow they manage to kiss (somewhat awkwardly, I might add) while the plane cruises above the mansion, taunting the girls left behind. After the flight, they hop into a hot tub in the middle of nowhere, and more kissing (and possible tooting) ensues. That evening over dinner, Lauren tells Ben she likes the simple things, like her dad, who is obsessed with his yard. Ben finds this endearing, and offers up his rose. They follow the meal with a concert by Dixie Chick lookalikes Lucy Angel. (Am I supposed to know who these people are? Just wondering.)

The group soccer date card arrives for Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H, Olivia, Jami, Rachel, Lace and Emily. None of whom have ever played soccer before (Lauren: "I am not a good ball handler), so...this should be fun and possibly dangerous! Ben meets his ladies at the LA Coliseum to shoot around with World Cup champs Alex Morgan and Kelley O'Hara, who I thought were prettier and cooler than the contestants and was kind of hoping Ben would take a liking to. Dang. The girls are divided into Stars versus Stripes, and the winners get the hang out with Ben after the game. Losers ride home in the bus (but hopefully get to keep their cute jerseys!). Twin Emily is quite the goalie, and the game comes down to sudden death (would we expect anything less??). Rachel is injured, and Amber capitalizes to score the winning goal for Team Stripes. The Stars are devastated because #sports, and limp home with cleats in hand.

The Stripes (Olivia, Amber, Haley, Lace, Leah and Jami) clean up real nice for an evening with Ben. Olivia snags time with Ben first, because that's what she does, and her teammates quickly turn on her and gossip about her "fat toes" (?!?!) and bad breath. Nice, ladies. My big toes look like thumbs - bring it on! But Jami blabs to Olivia about what they said, although Olivia guesses almost every other part of her body that she finds fault with EXCEPT her toes (because who cares about toes). Like her cankles. Amber breaks from the #toegateparty to tell Ben how much she's grown in a year, which wins her a kiss and the rose. Olivia decides that Ben is sending her secret signals, like touching her leg when trying to stand up, because "he knows I get them." Um, he was using you for balance, cankle girl.

Jubilee is convinced she won't the last date card - she's up against Becca and JoJo, and they're real competition. But imagine her surprise when she DOES get the date card! She is so surprised, in fact, that she makes Ben work for it a bit, complaining that he's 20 minutes late and asking if any of the girls want to go on the date instead of her when she finds out it's in a helicopter since she's scared of heights (no helicopter trips in the army??). But she calms down and opens up to Ben on their date, calling him "white boy" and divulging that her entire family was killed in Haiti. She also makes him blush, telling him that she is obsessed with hot dogs, and she heard he's not as white as he looks, if you know what I mean. Ben does, and gives her a rose, much to the shock of the rest of the girls back at the house.

At the rose ceremony, Ben is somber - family friends passed away in a plane crash. Personally I would have cancelled the damn rose ceremony, but Ben presses on, listening to Olivia's sob story about people posting mean comments about her cankles on her blog. ENOUGH WITH THE CANKLES!!! Jubilee sees this isn't helping Ben feel better, so she gives him a private massage. This pisses off some of the girls who haven't had any time with him (makes sense), and insenses Amber, who already has a rose (doesn't make sense). Amber tries to get Jubilee to talk  to the girls, but Jubilee's no dummy - she knows this is bad idea jeans. So she runs and hides in the bathroom. Ben senses something is amiss, so heads up to find her. And Amber decides to join, proceeding to yell at Jubilee in front of Ben like a giant doofus. If she didn't already have a rose, she would have been out of there. Ben sides with Jubilee, obvi, and heads back downstairs, relieved the drama is over.

And then Lace pops up, asking to talk to him outside. You can hear an audible sigh from Ben - what NOW, ladies?? Sheesh! Lace has decided she needs to "work on herself," and is therefore taking herself out of the competition. (hooray!) Ben shrugs, not really giving two craps right about now. Rose ceremony time: Shushanna and Jami are given the boot, and Jami decides, at the ripe old age of 23, she is just giving up and going to adopt cats. COME ON PEOPLE. 23. Olivia decides that being chosen last is another of Ben's secret "signs," as was the squeeze he gave her waist when passing out the rose. Okay, crazy. You and your cankles just simmer down.

Until next week...

Not quite elementary, my dear Watson

So we've had "Secret Snowmen" at work for the past two weeks. (Supposed to be Secret Santa, but the organizers fell behind.) You get daily clues, and then have a final clue with a gift at the end where you're supposed to guess your Snowman. I thought mine was a girl named Aimee Hewitt, who I don't know, but one day the clue was Kit Kat, and she was the only person on the survey who said her favorite candy was Kit Kat. (I'm no rocket scientist people.) But one clue threw me - it was a picture of Julie Andrews in Sound of Music, and a picture of Katerina Witt (I was impressed that I was able to identify her, but whatever). So I decided it WAS Aimee Hewitt - "Do-Re-Mi" rhymes with Aimee and "Witt" rhymes with Hewitt! MYSTERY SOLVED. So I excitedly announced my discovery in front of the group, and turns out it was not in fact Aimee Hewitt. And of course I was so certain that I didn't even have a back-up guess. #foiledagain

Smile. Or frown. Or have heart eyes. Whatevs.

I recently saw a celebrity Instagram post about attending a fellow celeb's emoji-themed bday bash, in which everyone had to dress up like an emoji - and It. Was. Amazeballs. If I wasn't too old, I would totally copy this idea for my next birthday.

Think of the possibilities:

 If I can't have the party, I'm at least going to buy the emoji pillows.

Twentysomething

So I went on a date with a 29-year-old last night. I purposely dressd "young" - jeans, boots, a checkered shirt and a puffy vest (holy time machine - I probably looked 35!) and promised myself not to talk about things from the 80s. Until he asked what my favorite SiriusXM station was - should I have lied? But turns out he liked 80s music as well (I mean, who doesn't).  I don't think it's a love match, but at least I got out of my comfort zone and age bracket and tried something new. #millenials

When did my dog become a teenager?

I guess Charlie's new year's resolution is to get more sleep - as if the 18 hours a day she currently gets aren't enough - because she has developed a new habit of sleeping in. I get up really early to work out, and usually she gets up with me to go outside. But lately she's stayed safely under the covers after I get up, and this week I have literally had to wake her up because I'm about to leave for work, and she has to pee before I go! I mean I shower, I turn the radio on, I dry my hair, and that little lump under the blanket doesn't even move. It's fairly hilarious, actually. And I'm clearly jealous.

Bachelor recap: The sour smell of success

Right off the bat, we learn the answer to the boxers or briefs question - Ben wears very blue boxer briefs. At least I will be able to sleep at night knowing this. And now that he has (under)pants on, Ben is ready for his first group date with Jackie, LB, Lauren H, Becca, Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer and Lace - and they're going back to high school! Apparently high school was where Ben really came into his own, and he wants to relive the glory days. The girls are divided into teams of two and must compete in four "classes," with one team getting eliminated each round. The winning team will then get pitted against each other (because that's what we do), and there will be one Homecoming Queen to rule them all. Or at least to wear a crappy crown for a few hours.


There's a science class where the girls try to get a volcano to explode (heh heh). Jubilee and Lace are out on this one. Lunch is next (really?!), which involves bobbing for apples. Jackie doesn't have a big enough mouth (according to the other ladies), so her team is out. They should have recruited Big Mouth Olivia for this one:

Then comes geography, where the girls are supposed to place Indiana correctly on a US map. Becca and JoJo fail miserably, so it's on to gym class, where the teams are to make two free throws. Mandi and Amber are the winners, so then must compete against each other in hurdles. Mandi, being a dentist, clearly has the chops (hey-oh), and leaves Amber in her dust as she claims the Homecoming Queen title.

But the date isn't over - there's still time for Lace to prove to Ben that she isn't crazy. (Sidebar: if you have to keep telling someone you're not crazy, you most likely are.) But first, Ben must have one-on-one time (and play a little one-on-one) with Becca, then Jennifer (KISS ALERT), then Jubilee (KISS ALERT). Lace then gets her time, where she promptly interrupts Ben every time he tries to talk and admits to being "a lot." #youdontsay

She steals time with him again, amid their "eye f&*!%ing," and is convinced she's getting the rose. But it goes to JoJo, who Ben steals away to the roof (KISS ALERT) - clearly Ben is making up for lost time by kissing almost everyone. Well-played, sir.

Back at home, it's time for the first one-on-one date, which goes to Caila (and Olivia, above, literally must pick her giant jaw off the ground upon hearing it's not her). But Ben is not planning this date, Chris Harrison is - with the help of his "good friends" (aka first time meeting them ever) Kevin Hart and Ice Cube. These guys are only here for one thing: to promote their movie take Caila and Ben on a cheapskate date - fun! The date involves buying flowers from a guy on the street, buying condoms and liquor from a liquor store, and getting in a hot tub at a hot tub store. Thankfully, Ice and Hart depart, leaving Ben and Caila to a romantic dinner for two, in which Caila asks Ben about being "unlovable" and tells him about her near-engagement to the guy who was her destiny (until she found our Ben H was the bachelor). Ben is intrigued and gives her the rose. They then dance and sway during a private concert by Amos Lee (KISS ALERT).

The next group date will be a trip to the love doctor for Emily, Shushanna (who DOES speak English, as it turns out), Sam, Olivia, Haley and Amanda. Thank god the twins are together so no one needs to tell them apart. They head to the Love Lab, where "scientists" (aka actors in white lab coats) will determine how compatible the women are with Ben.

These tests are fairly embarrassing, including one in which the girls have to run on a treadmill and Ben has to blindly smell them (in their stomach area, "near their reproductive organs!") and determine who he likes best by smell. How very Helen Keller. Everyone smells fine - sweet, fruity, etc. - except poor Sam, who Ben determines smells "sour." OUCH. Poor thing - that's painful. He later tried to patch things up by telling her she smelled like gardenias, but the damage had been done.
Olivia's head (and mouth) continue to inflate because she got the highest compatibility score (poor stinky Sam got the lowest), and also got the group date rose (KISS ALERT). She's starting to wear on everyone's last nerve, especially Amanda, who had the guts to tell Ben about her daughters (which he totally took in stride, btw), and thought she had the rose locked in. #dammitbigmouth

At the rose ceremony, Olivia and Lace once again prove they are in it to win it (and potential BFFs) by stealing more time with Ben, much to the chagrin of Amber, who hadn't had any time with him at all. Lace embarrasses herself (and me) by telling him some sob story about having "devil bangs" and being teased, thereby the reason she has such a "bold" personality. Mmm-kay.

Ben has some time with Lauren B and gives her a photo of the two of them on the same stoop from the first night they met (and, technically, the last time they talked). Aw.  In another aw moment, Ben and Amanda hot glue barrettes (with roses on them - nice) for her daughters. How adorbs!

And with that, it's time to send some ladies home. LB gets a rose but decides to leave on her own, since she's a "quiet girl from Oklahoma," and dentist Mandi, tiny-mouth Jackie and sour Sam are all escorted out of the mansion. Man it's more fun to come up with nicknames for these gals. #amiright

Maybe I need a man cave

You know you've been single too long when your Sunday looks like this:

Rake leaves
Wash car
Detail tires
Drano in the sink
Watch Platoon

Thank goodness I gave myself a mani/pedi to balance it out.

Though she be but little, she is fierce.

My new favorite commercial:
https://youtu.be/fRy9oBGp8IA

(Also, if anyone wants to buy ME a tiny horse, I'm totally okay with that.)

Read between the lines. Or at least read.

Tomorrow night is our office holiday party (yes, I realize it is no longer the holidays), and I sent out an email to all employees with the agenda for the evening:

7-8pm: cocktail hour
8-11:30pm: food and band
12am: party ends

I had someone come up to me yesterday and ask, "So drinks will only be served until 8pm?" Really??
It's tough out there for a communicator.

#fail

iTunes, you're my only hope

So apparently seeing "The Force Awakens" has awakened some sort of force in me - I felt compelled to pay $20 to buy the first - er, fourth - Star Wars movie and rewatch this weekend. Haven't seen it since like 1985, but I guess all of my Star Wars memories from back in the day were from this movie, because everything (Jabba the Hut! Holograph of Leia! Garbage compactor!) was there. Makes me wonder if I've ever seen 5 and 6 - but I remember the Ewoks, so I guess I have. And dammit I guess I'll have to buy them too. Here's my $60, George Lucas. As if you needed it.

Also: SO obviously James Earl Jones' voice as Darth Vader. (Clearly I didn't know who he was when I was 8.) And what's up with Leia's fake British accent in some parts? Gotta say, the acting isn't great. But I guess that's not the point, is it. #babystepstogeekdom

Bachelor recap: Laurens and Lace

Bachelor Ben has arrived, and this young stud (26! wtf!) is honest, humble and seemingly "here for the right reasons." Hell - he even calls his parents after meeting all the women, just to check in. #Indiana

But first, he seeks advice from some successful - and not so successful - past bachelors: Sean Lowe, Jason Mesnick and Chris Soules, who basically tells Ben to kiss as many girls as possible. I can't focus on what they're saying because I am obsessed with how short (and sweaty) Mesnick is.

But of course the best part of the night is meeting the girls. Who include lots of Texans and like 7 Laurens.

Amanda: the token single mom (at the ripe age of 25); baby voice. Rose.

Breanne: nutritionist or something who brought a basket of bread and beat it on the ground because "gluten is satan." No rose.

Caila: like Ben, she is in software sales. She embarrassingly jumped into his arms while exiting the limo, and he wasn't expecting it. Rose.

Emily and Hayley: 22-year-old twins from Vegas. Neither is the sharpest tool in the shed. Roses.

Izzy: Sadly, wore footie pajamas out of the limo (and didn't change into something less comfortable), because she wanted to make sure Ben was "the onesie." Oof. No rose.

Jackie: Super tall, gave Ben a save the date card for their impending wedding in March. Rose.

Jami: From Canada, knows Kaitlyn, and like Kaitlyn, made a dirty joke upon meeting Ben. Rose.

Jennifer: Jen and Ben comment. Rose.

Jessica: Very pretty...no rose.

Jojo: Dallas house flipper. Rose.

Jubilee: War vet and overall badass. Rose.

Lace: The villain of the season. Kissed Ben and asked for a second kiss, but was rejected because he wants to get to know the ladies mentally, not just physically (booooo). Then freaked out because she got the last rose at the rose ceremony and told him off for not making eye contact. She seems stable.

Laura "Red Velvet": Token redhead. No rose, because "maybe he doesn't like redheads. Not everyone does." Amen, Laura. Amen.

Lauren "LB": Tiny, hot pink dress...rose.

Lauren B: Flight attendant, sad to be single at 25 (uggggggh). Seemed to have a good connection with Ben right off the bat. Rose.

Lauren H: Michigan accent. Rose.

Lauren R: Mentioned stalking Ben on social media for months. No rose. (duh)

Leah: Hiked up her dress to hike Ben a football. Rose.

Maegan: Fort Worth-area cowgirl who brought her tiny horse Huey inside the mansion. Wish Huey could stay (as does Chris Harrison), but no rose.

Mandi: Crazy dentist who wore a giant rose on her head and insisted on giving Ben a teeth cleaning. Awkward. Rose.

Olivia: Former news anchor who quit her job to be on the show. No pressure, Ben. First impression rose.

Rachel: Unemployed, rides in on one of those scooter things (not cool enough to know what they're called). Rose.

Samantha: Just passed the bar exam in the limo ride over, dad died of ALS. Rose.

Shushanna: This chick only speaks Russian. Rose. (Seriously? Not the redhead but this chick?) Nyet.

Tiara: Chicken enthusiast. No rose.

And then, another limo pulls up and out pops Becca and Amber from Chris's season. So that makes 28 lovely ladies for Ben to choose from. (Becca and Amber both get roses btw.)

Looks like the usual dramz this season - lots of ladies are in love with Ben, it's twin versus twin, and someone has a panic attack. We're BACK, guys.

#itsrainingben

Resolve THIS.

Threw a NYE party for the first time ever. I always wanted to when I lived in the high-rise, but it would have been a logistical nightmare. I asked around, and no one had plans, so I figured I would host since I finally had space. Made champagne punch, a baked brie and spinach artichoke dip (in the Crockpot!) - very proud of my domesticity. And only four people showed up. But hey - I still made it to midnight, and I have enough booze to last the next 10 new years. So there's that.

#2016