Making a splash, per usual

You know how I was afraid of getting kicked out of the club for bringing my obnoxious float? Well, it was almost for another reason. I hopped into the pool on Monday and my bikini bottoms came down. I am fairly certain a man behind me saw. I quickly pulled them up and swam to the other side. A man over there looked down at me, and I realized a boob had popped out of my top. So a few lessons learned:
1. Be thankful I decided not to go down the slide
2. Wear a one-piece next time
3. You're welcome, fellas

Bachelorette recap: crazy exes and pants that fit like coke bottles

In this episode, I grew to love Rachel even more.
1. She brought her dog on a date. And that dog had a broken leg.
2. She told a suitor "I'm going to need you to get the fuck out" when his ex/current girlfriend showed up. YAS queen.

But first, some dates. The first group date puts the guys through an obstacle course to see who is "husband material." Some of these obstacles include changing a baby (doll, thank god), putting on a baby bjorn, vaccuming and washing dishes. Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are apparently big fans of the show and help facilitate this dumb challenge. And speaking of dumb, Whaboom Lucas wins. He asks Ashton to give him a "whaboom" and Ashton refuses. Thank you sir. Later that evening, Rachel isn't getting a romantical vibe from any of the guys. (No! Jack Stone!) At least, until Dean comes in, blue eyes blazing. She admits to being a little miffed that he beat her to the punch on getting to use "once you go black, you'll never go back," but they laugh and her faith is restored. Whaboom presents her with a nice poem, but Blake apparently lives with Whaboom's ex (and is currently evicting her?), so tells the guys and Rachel that he's not here for the right reasons. He wants Whaboom to be a thing (stop trying to make Fetch happen), and just wants to be on TV. (Um, don't they all??) He even tells Whaboom that he threw him under the bus, and it leads to an annoying white boy fight. Kenny excuses himself at this point and talks to Rachel about his 10-year-old daughter. She is intrigued. But Dean gets the group rose and walks her to her car, where he finally mans up and kisses her - red lipstick be damned.

Peter - he of the matching gap-toothed smile - gets the first one-on-one date, and they jet off to Palm Springs with Rachel's dog Copper in tow. Barkfest looks like the most fun - dogs in the pool, photo booths, dog treats, the works. Peter charms both Rachel and Copper, and they later find a commonality in both having gone to therapy to get better at relationships. He gets the rose, she gets a kiss - and poor Copper gets traumatized by fireworks.

The last group date is a basketball date - featuring Kareem Abdul Jabbar! The black guys are psyched, the white guys are mortified - but everyone is a good sport and even in front of a packed house they have a decent game. (Involving many MANY air balls.) DeMario's team comes up short, but he impresses Rachel with his athleticism. After the game, people hang around to take photos with the Bachelorette. Including Lexi, who identifies herself as DeMario's girlfriend of 7 months. Like current girlfriend. She says he disappeared for a few days and then she saw him on the Behind the Rose special, proposing to Rachel. He still has keys to her house, dammit! Floored, Rachel goes into the locker room and gets DM. All the other guys think this is good news, that he's getting the rose. But no. This is not good news. He sees Lexi and literally says "oooh hey, who is this?" Like "new phone, who dis?" When you know EXACTLY who dis is. Lexi goes off on him and Rachel tries to get his side of the story. The problem: his story keeps changing. He met Lexi a "few times" ago. Then they dated for a few months but he broke up with her in person. Then he doesn't have her keys. Then he mailed her keys back to her. But ooh Lexi has been screenshotting the convos, dude. You are busted. I mean clearly Lexi is crazy. But DM is caught between a rock and a crazy place. And Rachel ain't having it. She sends him home. BOOM.

She breaks the news to the other guys, who are in shock, but man up and show how they handle adversity and how protective they are of her. Group date rose goes to Josiah.

At the cocktail party, DeMario resurfaces and wants to talk to Rachel again because "stuff broke down" and his character was assassinated. Um, alrighty. Chris Harrison tells her it's her choice if she wants to see him. She wants to hear his lame excuse. But first, the rest of the guys empty onto the driveway to protect her honor. TO BE CONTINUED

Are cabana boys included??

The day has finally arrived - Monday, the country club pool opens. The main reason I forked over the cash to join the place. Wonder if they will allow my rose gold swan float...

Could be the shortest membership in history.

Music wormhole

So yesterday at work I was still thinking about the NKOTB concert, and decided to watch some old videos on youtube. (Greatness, btw). Then the NKOTB Behind the Music popped up, so I watched that. And THEN I had to watch the Guns N Roses Behind the Music. Which makes me realize two things:
1. I miss Behind the Music.
2. I need to find more work to do.

Total Package Tour. Done and done.

Last night was fairly awesome. Boyz II Men sounded amazing as ever, Paula Abdul looked amazing as ever (let's be honest, she's not singing), and NKOTB was a great blast from the past. I'm sorry - Jordan Knight is still a total hottie. Is he married? (Because if not, you call me Jordan.)

A few pics from the night:

Bachelorette recap: What the Whaboom just happened??

Well, it's back. And Rachel Lindsay may be my favorite bachelorette of all time. Maybe because she's over 30, maybe because she's smart (see you later, litigator) and is actually going back to work (!), maybe because she's a hometown girl - whatever, she's a badass. Not sure why she had to announce that she's engaged before the show even started, but I guess we're happy for her?

Corinne makes a brief appearance, along with Dolphin Shark, Jasmine, Whitney, Raven and Astrid from Nick's season. They all love being on camera Rachel and are here for her sloppy seconds whenever she needs them. We learn Rachel prefers Michael Jackson to Prince, and NYSNC to BSB. (Told ya she's awesome)

Let's dig in to the important stuff - the dudes vying for her affections.

Peter: cute, from Wisconsin, hopes she won't hold that against him (since that's where Nick is from). They have matching gap-toothed smiles. I am glad he doesn't mention that to her. Rose.

Josiah: prosecutor whose brother hung himself at a young age due to being bullied for being overweight. Josiah acted out, got arrested at 12 and then turned his life around. A contender here folks, but he knows it. A tad overly confident. Rose.

Bryan: Spanish-speaking, French-kissing chiropractor from Miami who gets the first impression rose. My first impression is his kissing style is scary. Rose.

Kenny, aka "Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King" the wrestler: has a 10-year-old daughter and knows a thing or two about "rings." (Get it?) Rose.

Rob: law student who has a draft card made with Rachel's picture on it. No rose.

Iggy: Not sure if he's Hispanic or Native American, but he is "genuinely and authentically happy to be there." Rose.

Bryce: Firefighter who literally sweeps her off her feet. Rose.

Will: Does an awkward Steve Urkel/Stefan Urquelle bit. Rose.

Diggy: A front-runner for me, maybe just because I "dig" his style. He has like 500 pairs of sneakers, folks. Rose.

Kyle: says he wants to shoe Rachel his buns and busts out a basket of bread. No rose.

Blake K: Personal trainer who talks an awful lot about sex and his penis size. Methinks he doth protest too much. No rose.

Brady: brings in a block of ice and a sledgehammer, a la Frozen, to "break the ice." Hey-oh! Rose.

Dean: trying to recover from saying "I'm ready to go black and never go back" on national TV. Rose.

Eric: don't remember much about him except he wore a tan suit. Rose.

DeMario: possibly not here for the "right reasons" and is super confident. Rose.

Blake E: comes with his own marching band. Rose.

Fred: apparently Rachel was Fred's camp counselor back in the day, and it did not go well. Rose.

Jonathan: Lists his job as "tickle monster." Enough said. Rose.

Lee: the token singer/songwriter who jumps out of the limo strumming his guitar. Rose.

Alex: vacuums. Not sure why. Rose.

Milton: purrs. Not sure why. No rose.

Adam: brings along "Adam Jr.", a very creepy doll who speaks French and who disgusts Rachel. Rose (for Adam, not AJ)

Matt: dressed as a penguin. Because they mate for life. I personally feel he is a better match for Dolphin/Shark. Rose.

Grant: arrives via ambulance to save the day. No rose. (cue flatline......)

Anthony: no clue who this is. Rose.

Jamey: no clue who this is. Rose.

Jack Stone: not sure why we need his last name, but this fellow Dallasite lawyer is HOT. Rose.

Mohit: Bollywood dancer who gets wasted. No rose.

Jedidiah: surgeon in a vest. No rose.

Michael: no clue who this is. No rose.

Lucas: Whaboom guy. This is his job, this is his catchphrase, this is on his tank top. This makes no sense and he is 100% cringe-worthy. Which is why producers will be keeping him around. Rose.


And so it begins...

Memorial Day

Went to this "Americana" concert at my church last night - the best part was when the orchestra played each of the armed forces fight songs, and they encouraged any vets to stand during their respective song so we could "salute" them and wave little American flags. So many little old men (and a few ladies!!) stood up, most knew the songs by heart, and it was just about the sweetest thing ever. Greatest generation, indeed.

Most Likely to Succeed

So my mom has been back in Dallas for 6 months (but who's counting), and is already dating someone. Granted, it's her high school boyfriend (Hillcrest class of '69!), so there's history there, but still. I have been here forever and nada. And my across-the-street neighbors reunited at their 50-year reunion and have been married for several years. So you're saying there's a chance. In like 25 years. I won't hold my breath I guess.

Serving it up

This looks so good to me. (Also, how can someone as stunning as Emma Stone look so much like Billie Jean? No offense BJK.)

http://variety.com/2017/film/news/battle-of-the-sexes-trailer-emma-stone-billie-jean-king-video-watch-1202428850/

My kinda town

So excited - I'm going to Chicago for the first time this summer to see Hamilton (!!!) for my 40th. We're also going to Second City, and I'm sure there will be some typical Chi-town touristy additions (the bean! deep dish pizza! sky deck! etc.). Because you know. We ARE tourists. And dare I say I'm flying United. (Hey - nobody's perfect.)

Preach!

Went to the "world famous" gospel brunch at House of Blues with my mom yesterday for Mother's Day. The gospel part was great; the brunch part, not so much. First of all, it normally costs $75 per person. (I bought a Groupon for $30 per person, thank goodness.) We initially got sat in the middle of a table on the far right, sitting across from each other with my back to the stage. This did NOT sit well with my mom, who huffed and rolled her eyes enough that one of the servers showed us to a little table for two which was perfect. And the food wasn't all that great, either. Now granted, I wasn't expecting there to be a lot of gluten free options. But maybe some yogurt or something? $30 bought me grapes, honeydew and a few veggies. Although I guess you're paying for the show. And that was worth it. My mom didn't go up on stage, but lots of moms did - and they even took the mic and sang! Good lord. Literally.

PYT

I'm sure I have mentioned before my love of cover bands/tribute bands. One of the best? Who's Bad. Saw them on a whim at the House of Blues many years ago, and they have blown up since then and I've tried to see them whenever they come to town. (Bonus: they're from Chapel Hill!)

How do I love them? Let me count the ways...

• Not just one, but TWO Michaels
• Outfit changes
• Jackson 5
• Beat It gang fight/dance
• Moonwalk
• Thriller dance
• Man in the Mirror finale

I mean. It's just so great. I do wonder if you would get tired of playing MJ night after night, year after year - but I guess if you're in a tribute band, you have to really commit to the role.

Shmon.

DIRTy job

My company has a volunteer month in June where the company pays for employees to take a half-day and volunteer in their local communities. I oversee this program globally, and am very involved in the planning for the Dallas office. We try to hit all the "hot-button" issues - kids, animals, the environment, vets, the elderly, the homeless, etc. One of our events is taking place at a VA hospital, and they want us to paint outdoor furniture and help with some landscaping. No biggie, right? Wrong. They have asked us to bring 4 yards of top soil. Which equals about 75 bags. Um, what? As if I have the arm strength or the trunk space for that kind of haul. Wondering if we're getting a little taken advantage of here - we'll only be there for three hours! I think the outdoor furniture painting is plenty. Sheesh.

The End of Democracy: A Lifetime TV Movie

You know, all this shit going on would make for an excellent movie. Although writers probably wouldn't be able to get it past producers because it's so UNBELIEVABLE. And yet, it's happening. Trippy.

Game night, anyone??

I just bought this card game called Trumped Up Cards - it's like a Donald Trump version of Cards Against Humanity (apropos, no?). The whole thing is so tongue in cheek it's great. From the cover of the box that says "World's Biggest Deck" to the "wall" that is printed on the back of the instructions to the two ways to win: "Big League" where you spell out the words VOTE (unless the others can spell out VETO, haha), or "Lightweight," where everyone just starts quietly crying because Trump is the president, so game over.

Plus, all proceeds go to charities that are getting defunded. #brilliant

Thanks for nothing, spell check

Whoa that was close. I sent an email to my co-worker about our Derby Day hat contest we had on Friday, asking her to glance it over before I sent it to the entire office. She said everything looked great, so I was gearing up to send and noticed that the subject of the email said "Derby Day HATE contest!" Thank god I happened to notice that. It's all fun and games until I send out a hate-filled email.

Dreamweaver

I had several dreams last night involving "pre-existing conditions." Clearly I'm watching the news too much. Bring back the puffy clouds and unicorns.

Also: regarding "Dreamweaver," anyone remember this program? Does it even still exist? I had to make my very first website on Dreamweaver in grad school. (Yes, I am old.) The subject of said website? Britney Spears. Sigh.

And so it begins.

Well, about two months to 40 and I found wrinkles. Note: I already HAD wrinkles. But I found NEW wrinkles. These are like folds of skin by my ears. Which would take like a backwards face lift to remove, I assume. Check it:

See that?? Right to the right of my earring?? Ew. Guess I better start getting used to this. Sigh.

Mmmm tastes like...cardboard

Not sure what's more unbelievable: that there is still a "rice cakes" section of the grocery store (like literally it's printed on the sign), or that I am currently eating one. Go gluten free, people. It's a good time for everyone.

#bringbacksnackwells

Alexa: be my friend?

I bought an Echo Dot a few weeks ago, and I'm semi-obsessed with it. Particularly with "talking" to Alexa. She tells jokes. She gives advice. She warns about traffic. She plays my fave 80s tunes. (And that's all I've discovered thus far - I'm sure there's lots more she is capable of.)

It's like a 2000s version of My Buddy/Kid Sister. Which were truly terrifying to look at:

THT (yeah you know me)

OMG how good is The Handmaid's Tale on Hulu?? I was in love with this book in high school, but I'm embarrassed to admit I had kind of forgotten what it was about. Well, now I want to read it all over again. Obsessed. And horrified. But mostly obsessed.