A downer post

My mom is 67, although I think she looks and acts much younger. But she keeps getting all morbid about the baby, saying "I won't live long enough to see her grow up." "I have 10 years left max."
Um, okay.

I mean, I will be 80 when Georgie is my age, so if she follows in my footsteps (please god no), I won't live long to see any grandchildren...not saying I want her to be a teen mom, but how about a 26 year old mom? Is that asking too much for your old decrepit mother??

Baby steps. Have to get this girl to sleep through the night first.

Bachelorette: Let's do the damn thing!

Probably won't be able to recap every week, at least not to my full ability, but I leave you with a few thoughts about the premiere featuring Becca:

• I am solidly on Team Colton (ex pro football player who now heads up a charity for CF). Or Team Christon (the Harlem Globetrotter?! COME ON he showed her how to twirl a basketball on her finger! #goals)
• Seems like there are a LOT of football players this season, no?? I guess she told producers that's what she likes?
• The "male model" has got to go. Ridiculous.
• I'm sad the little grocery store owner from Chicago got the boot, but I feel confident he will be able to "carry a watermelon" in Paradise.
• Dude in the chicken suit. There's always one. (y tho)
• She showed she means business by kicking off the guy she already knew back in MN. Felt sorry for him, but she's right - he didn't show interest in her before, so why now? (hint: she's on TV!)
• Not feeling Garrett, who snagged both the first impression rose and the first kiss. I have heard not great things about him IRL so I guess it's tainting my impression. We shall see...

Gonna leave a mark. Or maybe a scar.

My mom finally convinced me to help her in the yard yesterday, so I grabbed the giant hedge trimmers and went all Edward Scissorhands on the front hedges.

Until I sliced my finger on the blade and had to go get a tetanus shot.

No more yard work for me! #winning #nostitches

Nope.

In another ridiculous dating story, I was chatting with another guy and told him I had a baby on my own. Poor dude then asked if I was asexual.

WHAT.

First of all, that's not what that means, man. I assume he meant hermaphrodite - like he literally thought I had the baby ON MY OWN. What in god's name.

Needless to say, there was no date.

#facepalmemoji

There's no crying in church. Unless you're a baby.

So we took Georgie to church Sunday evening for this Americana concert. I haven't been to church since she was born (sorry), and was excited they offered childcare. So we got there super early, not knowing how crowded it would be, and I dropped her off (she was the only one there). Sidebar: she barfed all over herself while I was passing her off - I'm sure they loved that.

About twenty minutes later (told you we got there early), a friend's mother texted me that she saw Georgie in the childcare area. I asked if she was still the only one in there - yep. Aw.

The first part of the concert ended with a 20 minute intermission. I was especially excited about the second half - a Sound of Music medley plus all the "Americana" songs - but wanted to go check on the baby. And of course we could hear her crying all the way down the hall. Bless her little bitty heart. So home we went. I would call it an epic fail, but at least we got her out and got to stay for the first half...

Fairy tales DO come true

Guys. I can't. What a beautiful wedding! She gave it the right amount of spice and flavor, and he brought the hotness pomp and circumstance. He is clearly so in love - she better not break his heart. They even had a drink at the reception called When Harry Met Meghan. COME ON.

Scamtastic

Sometimes (all the time?) Groupon deals are a total scam. For example: I paid $29 for 10 air duct vents to be cleaned (a value of $289 - woohoo!). They cancelled twice and finally came today - and I had to pay another $400 to actually get the vents cleaned. Not sure if the $29 was to cover the guy's gas or what, but jesus. At least I didn't have black mold, I guess...  #silverlining #likeacolonoscopyforyourvents

Beep Beep who got keys to the Jeep

So with my recent fender bender, I now have a brand-new bumper and four new tires. It's like a new car! (Of course, I had to pay $1500 for all that crap, so it SHOULD be like a new car. Humph.)

All I need now is to cut a hole in the top to make a sunroof, and I'll be all ghetto set.

E-I-E-I uh ohhhhhhh

ABBA is back, y'all. Which makes me think there are a few bands/singers I would like to see make some sort of comeback - or at least be on Oprah's Where Are They Now?

Uncle Kracker

Ace of Base

Nelly

UPDATE: upon Google searching for his photo, I learned that Nelly is under criminal investigation for sexual assault. So he's clearly busy.

Dipping a toe back in the pool. The pinkie toe.

I had a lunch date last week. It was my first date in over a year. Maybe in two years. And I never heard from him again, so clearly there won't be a second date, but at least I'm getting back out there?? I think he was a little freaked about my having a baby on my own (although he really isn't one to talk - he was married, got his next girlfriend pregnant after three months of dating so has an 8-year-old daughter, and was engaged last year but she walked out on him and said never to contact her again - is this TMI for a lunch date???) - he even asked if I was able to breastfeed after doing IVF. Um, duh dude. Poor guys. They just have no clue.

On to the next.

Don't look too closely

First Mother's Day was awesome, although I think my mom and I spent most of the day trying to get someone to take a nap. (Unsuccessfully, as it turned out.)

Here's a photo from yesterday:

And here's what you only see if you zoom in (besides my mom's arm):

She keeps scratching her face and it looks like she's been in a damn fight. (And yes, I trim her nails. They just grow like weeds) And then the cradle cap (aka baby dandruff) - bless her heart. She looks like a hot mess. But a cute hot mess.

PREACH

I forgot to post about the Met Gala. First off, best theme I've seen in a long time. Secondly, (pope) hat's off to these ladies who rocked it. Can I get an amen?

Rest easy, Martha Stewart

Well, my lofty Mother's Day goals have gone down the tubes. Or the disposal, as the case may be.

I found this company, Copypastry, that makes cookie cutters out of your pictures. I mean, look how cool:

So I decided to make a Georgie-shaped cookie cutter for my mom, and bake Georgie cookies. Because nothing says love like eating your grandchild's face.

Sent in this photo:

And this is how the dough looked (PRE-cooking):

So, not great, but not horrifying.

 But then I baked them:

YIKES! This is what she looked like in sonograms, which is why I was super nervous that she would be unfortunate looking. 

 Not sure even frosting can save these bad boys. Sigh.

It's a snap

Pretty psyched that I was able to get my size 6 jumpsuit on this morning. Well, aside from the snap at my chest that just. can't. quite. stay. closed. due to my ginormous boobs. #thanksbreastfeeding
It's all very Stormy Daniels up in here today.

And bonus: today I meet my new boss for the first time! Excellent sartorial choice.

And so it begins

Poor Georgie has her first ear infection. I fear this is going to be one of many, probably leading to tubes. My mom was saying that I never had ear infections as a child, and my brother had one once. I wonder why kids nowadays get them so much? Most of my friends' babies have had to get tubes, so it's clearly a thing. Or an ENT conspiracy??

Anyway, I just feel so bad for little bit. I took her to doctor #4 yesterday (yes, I am well aware of how crazy that makes me sound, but she's had a cough for over a month and it's not getting better!!) for what I thought was pink eye, and turns out she just has boogers in like all orifices (yum) but did end up having an ear infection. So now she's on an antibiotic and I'm hoping that will help clear up some of this other crap. Otherwise, look out, doctor #5!!

Hit me up, America

Georgie has been sleeping in her own room since Monday (☹️), but when she was in my room I set my phone alarm to vibrate so it wouldn't wake her up. Haven't switched it back, and this morning I finally realized it was my phone vibrating after dreaming that I was chatting with America Ferrera about her pregnancy and Molly Simms was snoring at the table with us. (Mmm-kay....)

Snore = phone vibration. I felt like it must have been buzzing for like 30 minutes, but it was still just 5am. Dreams are weird, amiright??

zzzzzzzz

Guys. I am so tired. I know they say once you have kids you never sleep again, but I kind of thought that was an exaggeration. I don't know if it's sleep regression or what, but Georgie is once again waking up every 2-3 hours at night to eat. And this time I'm not on maternity leave - I have to get my ass up and go to work. I am pretty much nodding off every day on the drive - in fact, I think that's why I rear-ended some guy on Tuesday (my bad!). Time to finally build that George Costanza cot under my desk. Night night.

Fun while it lasted

Oh, how things change. When I first went back to work from maternity leave, my mom would bring the baby into the bathroom while I got ready (I would host a make-shift makeup tutorial for her, obvi). She would hold her by the window while I pulled away.

And now? They are still asleep when I leave. Sigh.

Swammin

So more on the mom-baby water fitness class: 

• Not really a workout.
• More concerned with the baby not drowning than doing hamstring curls.
• 15 babies in the class (!).
• Only two cried. Mine was one.
• Potential baby and mom friends (yay).
• One baby barfed in the pool (ew).
• Cadre of dads with phones, filming/scrolling social media during the class.
• My breastfeeding boobs almost popped out of my suit several times, potentially making some of these home movies.
• My mom is going to come this week to film little G and me. Boobs, stand down.