Hammertime

The other day we were driving and I don't even remember what the conversation was, but my mom said "don't hurt the hammer!" I laughed for about minutes before I was able to contain myself and correct her with "please hammer don't hurt 'em." I guess I should be glad she even sort of knew the reference? Or not.

Holy #firstworldproblems

So I guess I've finally paid off my phone enough to be up for an upgrade. I only have the 6S, which is fine, but I keep hearing about the wonders of the camera on the 8. I see no need to get the X - who am I, Meghan Markle - but a little nicer phone would be cool. (Of course, I have 50 cases for the 6 and 0 for the 8, which clearly will be problematic...)

But the only ones being offered are like 32G or 64G, and my current phone is 124G. Considering I take 5000 photos of my kid every day, I need the extra room. So I guess I'll wait. Sigh.

Bachelorette recap: boy bye

THANK GOD the male model is gone! As is his archenemy David, who was left alone in the desert, and John - who possibly created Venmo? Can anyone confirm? She clearly likes Colton and Blake, who admits he is falling in love with her (and means it - ooh snap Jean Blanc!), but has some issues with boy band wannabe Chris, who pouts because he doesn't get any alone time on the group date and threatens to walk. (insert eye roll emoji)

The dates were weird this week - riding camels in the (Vegas) desert, composing lyrics to Danke Shoen in front of a very plastic-looking Wayne Newton, and the dreaded two-on-one that ended up being one (Becca).

And before the rose ceremony, Chris loses it when Becca looks at him with "disgust" and nearly comes to blows with poor dapper Wills, who lets him interrupt for two minutes but then calmly returns and won't give Chris any more time. Guess the producers want to milk this one a bit longer, because Chris gets to stick around for another week. (insert eye roll emoji)

And of course they announced the cast for the next Bachelor in Paradise, and freaking MALE MODEL gets to go. Assuming he will be bringing the gold underwear...(insert eye roll emoji)

It's all in the name.

Took G to the ENT for a follow-up after her sinus infection diagnosis three weeks ago (cured!), and all the guy did was peer briefly into her Ears, Nose and Throat. I mean I guess that's what his job is, right? Glad I paid $77 to see that.

#sarcasm

Mother of the Bride

That's what I felt like yesterday when Georgie got baptized. It was such a great day, although I was super stressed out about it. I was so afraid she would cry throughout the service - we actually put her in the nursery at first, but after about 5 minutes decided we'd risk her sitting through the entire service (why they don't have the baptism up front is beyond me!). And she was actually great. A few fusses here and there, but great. And then it was time to go up to the front. My mom turned to me with tears in her eyes and said she was so proud of me, which of course led me to start tearing up (and snotting down? Is that a thing? Because it happened.). My dad was crying - everyone was crying - but not little Georgie. She was a total pro - three douses of water? No prob. Being toured around the church with the pastor? Got it. After it was over and we stood up there for another 30 minutes talking to people and taking pictures, she started to get annoyed. But we raced home, threw on bathing suits and met her godmothers and their families at the pool. Georgie did great. And still refused to nap once we got home two hours later. (She did FINALLY sleep for like 10 hours at night, but still - would a nap kill ya??)

And now I am the proud owner of like 7 Jesus books that I should probably peruse. As a good Mother of the Baptized, you know?

I. Just. Can't.

I really don't mean to make this a political blog. But they just make it so easy.

What in the actual fuck. Seriously.

And the sad thing is, it's probably sold out now. Since it's only $39 from Zara.

Cannot use the facepalm emoji enough here.

What's up, doc?

Interesting turn of events on Tuesday when my mom dropped Georgie off at daycare with bottles of milk, some squash and pears. And when she picked her up, they were feeding her carrots. Someone else's, storebought (!?!?) carrots. Assuming my daughter was not a tiny bully stealing the other babies' lunch, we asked what was happening. Apparently she was still hungry and the carrots were what was left. Parent fail, I assume? But good lord that girl can eat. Gets it from her mama.

Bachelorette recap: what a bunch of morons

That's really all I have to say about this week's Bachelorette. Oh yeah - and the MALE MODEL MUST GO. He now calls himself Captain Underpants because Becca gave him the above tighty goldies. Too much, ABC. Too much.

Lincoln thinks the world is flat.

Jean Blanc put his foot in it by telling Becca he loved her and then taking it back (resulting in an au revoir for JB).

Garrett and Wills both got roses on their one-on-one dates, and honestly the four guys she sent home during the two rose ceremonies I can't even name. Nick maybe?

Make America Nazi Germany Again??

All I have to say is this.

https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2018/06/how-you-can-fight-family-separation-at-the-border.html

Good one, TXDOT

Driving to work today I saw the following flashing sign:

1437 deaths so far this year on Texas roads

Followed by this:

Awwww snap
your seat belt


Um, #brilliant.

Where a kid can be a kid (or could)

Drove past a Toys R Us over the weekend, and figured I better stop in since it would be the last time. I couldn't believe they had anything left on the shelves, what with the massive going out of business sale that has been going on for what seems like a few months. But they did - and so I felt obligated to buy some more crap that I don't need, including a tiny pair of black Converse shoes for Georgie that I can guarantee she will not be wearing. #becausetoystoresrule

Bachelorette recap: Blood sweat and tears

The episode was interrupted by the damn Trump-Kim "summit," so I didn't even know what happened at the end. #thankstrump

But moving on, it was a very hazardous episode, with two guys getting sent to the hospital (David for falling out of the top bunk onto his face, and Clay for breaking his wrist playing football).

For the third week in a row, I reiterate the MALE MODEL MUST GO. And now we know he has matched with 4,000 women (maybe people? did anyone catch his red manicure?) on Tinder. Kudos, bro.

Colton finally gets back into Becca's good graces after Tia shows up and explains they really only kissed, and he snags the group date rose. Richard Marx shows up for the one-on-one date (so does Chris, who reminds me of Danny in NKOTB - not a compliment), and they write embarrassing song lyrics for each other that RM sings (I fast-forwarded through because I was so uncomfortable), and Chris got the rose. And then they danced while Marx sang "Right Here Waiting." Cue 7th grade slow dances!

The last group date was a football game, and poor Clay (who actually plays football for a LIVING) ended up making the final play of the game to tie it up and broke his wrist in the process. He came back in time to get the group date rose, but the next day gave it back and left the show upon learning he needed surgery. If he loses his football career over some stupid reality show, I will be so sad.

Gag

I guess I had some stomach bug yesterday, because I threw up no less than 15 times. (got me down to my pre-baby weight, but that's neither here nor there)

Feel okay today, but man. Throwing up when you're not pregnant is just throwing up. And it ain't fun.

Yawn

Parenting is being thrilled that the baby slept for 8 hours straight, but being sad that it means she's awake at 3am because she goes to bed so early.

Playing spades

So sad about Kate Spade. (And how did I never make the David Spade-Kate Spade connection??)
My purse that is in current rotation is Kate Spade. My wallet is Kate Spade. My bedding and two throw pillows are Kate Spade. I own several of her dresses. Lots of jewelry. Phone cases. An excessive number of handbags. Georgie has a couple of Kate Spade onesies that I love. My cutting boards and dish towels are Kate Spade. My calendar/planner is Kate Spade. (It's possible I have a problem.)

Her little positive messages made me so happy, and to think she wasn't happy herself is just tragic.
It gets better!!

Guess that maternal instinct thing is real

Georgie has had a mucusy cough for like three months now. Snotty nose and she sounds really congested. It's starting to affect her sleeping and eating, and after going to 5 (!) pediatricians who all said she was fine, I took matters into my own hands. Monday we went to a pediatric ENT specialist, and turns out the poor baby has a sinus infection. So now she's on an antibiotic, Flonase nasal spray and medicine for reflux, which the doctor thinks is causing all of this. I hate for her to be on all those meds, but I want her to get well. And although it's terrible that she has an infection (and has for a while), at least I feel somewhat validated and not entirely crazy. Maybe just like 78%.

Bachelorette recap: ingenity

Y'all. The "male model" has GOT TO GO. I am so embarrassed for him I can barely watch without fast forwarding.

We also learn that Colton dated Tia before coming on the show - so is he like into Bachelor contestants or what? 

Lincoln is a cheater and kind of a sore winner.

Connor has an anger management problem - or maybe a "I'm a 25-year-old millennial"  problem.

Christon has no problem pelting dodgeballs at Becca.

And yet: all of these guys got roses and are moving on.

#puzzling

Does my wallet have a hole in it? Because money is falling out.

I hate spending money on things I don't need. (Um, this does NOT include purses, shoes, handbags, makeup or US Weekly.)

This happened three times recently:

$70 to get the tetanus shot I didn't need

$70 for a dentist visit because I thought I had a cavity (I didn't)

$40 for a replacement canopy for the stroller, when days later I found the original one in the closet


ARGH

Paging Mrs Banana Hammock

Going to Friends trivia tonight, and frankly I don't see how I can lose. I have seen every episode like 5 times and quote the show at least once a day (three times yesterday).You get a discount if you come dressed like a character, so I was thinking I would do this (complete with lunges:

But I figured I might die from heat stroke, so have instead opted for this:

Yesssssss