Is "dot, dot, dot" really becoming a thing??

As much as I would like to devote this Bachelorette blog post to my newfound annoyance with Emily, I will just say this: obviously the girl is a good crier, and obviously she was on TV to be the new Bachelorette. And her teeth are super annoying. And her outfit was a little Dynasty to me. Okay, done. Although she DID reference "dot, dot, dot" and I'm wondering if I will now be seeing that on t-shirts...

And now back to Ashley. Who truly has a very original way of saying "perfect" as if it was actually spelled "perfact." Similar to how she says the "F" in Ben "Affff"'s name. But I digress. I kind of loved the lantern festival in Taiwan - so cool! Could a white girl borrow that Asian tradition for her wedding or something? Fancypants. Still don't get the attraction to Constantine or Ames, but sweet lil Ben F is so adorbs, which means he of course won't be the winner. Sayonara to Ryan, thank god, and Lucas was a little too weirded out by wearing a dress (way to represent, Texas). Speaking of weirded out, JP needs to seriously chillax. Has he never seen the show? Um, she is GOING to go on other dates. She is even going to make OUT with other dates. Deeeeeeep breaths, dude.

And a quick note about her outfits last night - could there have BEEN more cut-outs? We get it. You're a size 0.

Airbrush tanning and summers in Texas don't mix

Bought a birthday Groupon for airbrush tanning, and decided to give it a try on Friday after work. When it was a balmy 105 degrees out. First of all, I totally felt like one of the kids on Toddlers and Tiaras, standing there half-naked with my arms outstretched and a shower cap on my head. She gave me two coats (!) and said it would continue to get tanner overnight (!!). Oh god. On a positive note, it smelled like cake. But on the negative side, it just never dried.

Probably not the best idea to go on a date immediately afterward, but regardless I kept dabbing my head/wrists/neck with a napkin and was horrified to see the white napkin had turned burnt orange. And I'm not a UT fan, so there was really nothing good about this. I felt obligated to explain to my date why I was changing colors in front of him, and luckily he found it extremely amusing. But I was miserable - couldn't cross my legs because a pool of brown goop would form, and I asked him to check the back of my dress when we got up to leave in case it looked like I had had an accident. Sigh.

Plus the fact that even after sleeping in pajama pants (per the airbrusher's suggestion), my sheets were STILL tanned the next morning. Luckily after working out and showering, enough came off that I felt semi-confident to wear a white dress to my party. But I doubt I will be booking another appointment any time soon. At LEAST until it cools down a bit. Yeesh.

Dyn-o-WHITE

Having a white party for my bday this weekend, a la P. Diddy. (And yes, this photo is Photoshopped, duh.) We're gonna WHITE for our right to party. Plus many other cheesy puns.

Inhale...exhale....

Have encountered a couple of real characters in the gym at my building. One guy who I assume has Tourette's (not that there's anything wrong with that) sniffs and coughs and honestly snorts like a pig. It's a little gross, but the guy can't help it. Does make you wonder about his romantic life, though - although I don't snort (much) and can't get a date if you paid me, so who am I to judge. Hell - he probably has a wife and kids. Who think piggy noises are awesome.

Then there's this girl who is a heavy breather. Not unlike mouth breathers, she huffs and puffs her way through her workout like she's having a heart attack. And she's probably younger than I am.

Certainly keeps things interesting and makes the monotony of the elliptical a little more bearable. Breathe on, you two. In whatever weirdo ways you must. Breathe on.

Paging a dermatologist to the pool area...

Over the weekend, lounging in the pool at my new place, a friend and I noticed a very attractive Latin guy. He was seemingly by himself, sipping a Modelo, and was positioned right next to us. I racked my brain, trying to come up with an opening line, and all I could muster was to ask about the mole on his back and suggest he get it looked at. (NOTE: I did NOT actually say this. I did NOT actually say ANYTHING. But this was literally the only thing that popped into my brain.)

Because you know, skin cancer is always sexy. Sigh.

Half-Amish. Is that "Ham-ish?"

All moved in - and loving it. I feel like I live at a hotel. Very Eloise at the Plaza. I color-coordinated my walk-in closet and it looks like a freaking boutique in there (note to self: I don't need any more purses.) The pool is so nice I feel like I'm on vacation. Even with the anorexic Kenny Rogers look-alike who wears a Speedo and goggles as sunglasses. But one thing is still amiss: I don't have cable or wi-fi. The technician even came out and couldn't figure out the problem. So now they're coming tomorrow to "re-wire" or something, and have given me the awesome window of 8am-7pm. Ummmm, okay. Thanks for narrowing it down for me.

In the absence of television and internet (thank god I can still access Facebook on my Blackberry), I have taken up reading (and yes, a little sad that I only read when it is the Last. Possible. Option.) and watching DVDs. But oh how I'm missing Real Housewives of XX. And someone told me Bachelorette was a re-run last night, which is a damned miracle because I was going to be unable to write my weekly wrap-up anyway.

But aside from being semi-cut off from the world, the new pad rules. Now accepting visitors. :)

Moving Day (sung to the tune of Closing Time)

last blog post until tuesday, and i'm writing it from my phone (hence the lack of caps). last night around 7:30 i finished packing and realized not only do i no longer have a tv to watch, but the lamps are packed so once it gets dark, no more reading a book, either. man being amish would get boring. although with like 10 hours of beauty sleep a night, i'd certainly be an attractive amish person...bring on the butter churn.

happy 4th!