PeeOTUS

I'm sorry - this golden showers business is, well, GOLD. I don't care if it's true or not. It's fantastic. And when are they making this into a movie??

Bachelor recap: Boobs gets you a rose; sex gets you the boot

It's the first group date for Nick's ladies, and they're taking wedding photos. Because why not. There's a rocker bride, a shotgun bride, a princess bride, even an Adam and Eve bride (?). Villain Corinne is the beach bride, and loves parading around in her skimpy bikini -until she sees Adam and Eve bride Brittany who is topless. Corinne will NOT be wearing more clothes than anyone, dammit - so during her photo shoot in the pool, she whips off her top and Nick "has to" cover her breasts with his hands, Janet Jackson-style. Rough life. All the other girls are horrified -she is NOT wife material!- but Boobs McGee wins the challenge and some quality time with Nick. The evening gets worse at the after-party when Corinne proceeds to interrupt no less than three girls to continue to get time with him. Taylor is one of the ones that gets interrupted, and she decides to turn things around and interrupt right back (thank you! why does no one else do this??). Corinne is pissed- how DARE someone "re-interrupt?" But because every encounter between Corinne and Nick involves a makeout sesh, she gets the group date rose. A few girls bring up a valid point - if all Nick wants is sex, no wonder he's on his 4th try...

Special props to The Dolphin (no longer dressed as a shark or dolphin, thank goodness) for celebrating her fake boobs' first birthday (or "boobday") with cupcakes. And telling Nick her boobs tasted better. #BOOM

Danielle gets the first one-on-one date, and they take a helicopter to a yacht and end up on a ferris wheel. Quite a whirlwind day. Plus they open up to each other about past relationships and we learn that she was engaged but he died of a drug overdose. Sheesh. Nick handles this like a champ and she gets the rose. She actually seems like a nice normal person. Odd.

The second group date heads to the Broken Relationship Museum, which I can't believe is a real thing. Each of the six girls must get on stage and "break up" with Nick. Which proves funny in some cases, and incredibly awkward in another. I'm looking at you, Liz. Liz slept with Nick 9 months ago, as she likes to remind us, and she finally cracked and confessed the whole thing to Christen. After her "performance," Nick realized it was time to have a little chat. Especially after learning that Christen knew all the dirty details. He couldn't get a straight answer from Liz on why she never tried to contact him yet decided to show up on TV to "get to know him better," and Liz ended up getting the boot. Nick had to explain to the remaining ladies where Liz went and why - and TO BE CONTINUED.

Dammit.

Go for the gold

Watched the Golden Globes last night, and had a few thoughts:

• Steve Carrell and Kristin Wiig were my faves
• YES Meryl
• Hugh Laurie's Trump joke was spot-on
• Best-dressed: Natalie Portman (and baby) and Viola Davis (I obviously love color)

Thanks, I think

A girl told me that she brought me up in two separate meetings yesterday. Because I'm the "most put together person in the office." And here I was thinking it was about my awesome performance. Nope - my outfits. Sounds about right, actually.

It's not a tumah

Anyone else watch the new Celebrity Apprentice? I had to see what all the hype was about, so watched the two hour premiere on Sunday. Mostly wanted to see what Arnold would say when kicking people off - apparently he's pulling lines from all his movies. The first person to go got "You're terminated. Go to the choppa." And the second: "You're terminated. Hasta la vista, baby." Oy. He's going to run out of these pretty quick.

Maybe I could charge tickets. Like the zoo.

A big chunk of drywall fell out of my attic ceiling over the weekend (happy new year!), and I blame whatever creatures that have made themselves at home up there. It truly sounds like they are moving furniture, so I knew it couldn't be rats. (Unless they were mutant rats...) Maybe squirrels?

So Orkin Wildlife (??) came out yesterday and apparently I have...raccoons.

"Several" raccoons, to be exact. Good times. And now that there's a gaping hole in the garage where I can see into the attic, I am terrified to be in the garage for any length of time. Certain a pair of beady eyes will be staring at me and I'll get jumped like Buddy the Elf when he tried to hug one.

Home ownership sucks sometimes. But I still prefer raccoons to rats.

Bachelor Recap: The Red Dress District

Annnnnd we're back. Sunday night had a pointless one-hour "preview" special, but I'm not even going to get into it. Nick Viall is our Bachelor, because three times isn't enough apparently and he clearly enjoys crying on national television.

The black box makes it's return, as Nick hops into the shower. Not sure why these shots are necessary, but whatever. After a brief Bach-chat with former B's Ben, Chris and Sean (who clearly have little else going on in their lives), Nick heads to the mansion to meet the 30 lucky ladies.

They include:

Alexis: Wacky NJ native who loves dolphins so much she spends the entire evening in a shark costume. But swears it's a dolphin. (This makes me miss Left Shark, but bygones.) Rose.

Angela: Model from South Carolina, I believe. One of 15-20 wearing a red dress. No rose.

Astrid: All I remember is a pink (not red) dress. Rose.

Briana: Nurse. Purple dress. (I'm telling you - so many in red you noticed the ones who weren't!) No rose.

Brittany: Nurse with low self-esteem and a red dress. Rose.

Christen: YELLOW dress. Taught Nick the box step and claimed they were ballroom dancing. Alrighty. Rose.

Corinne: "Runs" her daddy's multi-million dollar company, but yet has a nanny. Clearly being edited to be the bad girl, Corinne planted the first kiss on an unsuspecting (yet totally fine with it) Nick. Rose.

Danielle: In the running for first impression rose, mostly due to the fact that her boobs were thisclose to popping out. Rose.

Danielle M: Neo-natal ICU nurse who brought Nick her dad's homemade syrup and fed it to him on her finger. Is that hygenic, D? Rose.

Dominique: Nose ring. Rose.

Liz: Slept with Nick at Jade and Tanner's wedding, refused to give him her number and conveniently shows up now that he's the Bachelor. Interesting. Rose.

Elizabeth: From Dallas. Rose.

Hailey: Canada, eh? Friends with Canadaniel I think. Or it was staged. Rose.

Ida Marie: Two-piece blue lace dress. That's all I remember. No rose.

Jaimi: Tells Nick he has balls, and so does she - and puts her fingers up her nose to reveal the bullring. Classy! Rose.

Jasmine B: No rose. No idea.

Jasmine G: I remember her from Dallas Cowboys: Making the team. Best dressed, in my opinion. Rose.

Josephine: Another super weird one who presents Nick with a book with an uncooked hot dog inside and says "you're a weiner in my book!" And then proceeds to ask him to eat it "Lady and the Tramp style." Sigh. Rose.

Kristina: cool spy-like Russian accent, dental assistant. Rose.

Lacey: Rode in on a camel, because she heard Nick likes to hump. Oy. Rose.

Lauren: I enjoyed her opening line comparing Nick's unfortunate last name ("vile") to hers ("hussy"), but apparently it was a no-go. No rose.

 Michelle: I don't remember her at all. No rose.

Olivia: From Alaska, gave him an Eskimo kiss! No rose.

Rachel: Attorney from Dallas, got the first impression rose. This girl is on fiyah.

Raven: From a tiny town in Arkansas, she did the Pig Sooie call. Oy again. Rose, y'all.

Sarah: This one came running up in sneakers, as the "runner up." Get it??? Rose.

Susannah. No clue who this is. No rose.

Taylor: Social worker with an amazing rollerblading body. Rose.

Vanessa: Another one to watch, she is from Quebec, speaks French and teaches special ed. Sigh. Rose.

Whitney: Another red dress, another rose.

Looking forward to another most dramatic season ever!!!