Damn you, IRS

Just did my taxes, and if I owe the government money one more year, I'm hiring an accountant. Surely I'm doing the math wrong.

Coming soon to a Hallmark store near you

I think they should make a line of Valentine's cards based on lines from 80s movies. For example:

"I gave her my heart. She gave me a pen."
"Nobody puts baby in a corner."
"Thanks for getting my undies back."
"Take me to bed or leave me forever."

And my personal fave: "You're my density. Er, my destiny."

You're welcome, lovebirds.

Sick. Ish.

Starting to get sick is almost worse than actually being sick. It's like, "I know you're in there, virus - come on out and let's get this over with!" I have been "starting to get sick" since Saturday - the cough (due to the feeling that I have a hairball in my throat, which is also fun), the sneezing, the man voice, and the overall ickiness - but nothing to actually qualify me as "sick." Come on, cold. I challenge you. Bring it on. (Please?)

Couple-skating to "Foolish Heart" - how telling.

Oh, Sean. So easily manipulated. Maybe all it takes is tears and/or threatening to leave that turns him into a mushball? But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Selma (aka Ashley Greene) gets the first date - all "110 pounds" of her. (Thanks for sharing.) But she is a bummed out 110 when she realizes they are rock-climbing in Joshua Tree National Park. (Anyone else have a U2 flashback?) Noting he "brought the Iraqi to the desert," she finally concedes to climb after a bit of whining about the typical Bachelor contestant fear of heights. Some of the noises she made while climbing were a bit...sexy?, but she made it. And thank god the producers told her to wear workout clothes this time. Next up: a romantic dinner (of smores?) by the fire in a trailer park. Selma is something of a diva, so Sean being the prankster that he is, wants to make sure she can hang outside of her comfort zone. And she can, but she can't kiss him on camera due to her strict Muslim upbringing. the plot thickens! But yet she snags the rose.

Up next: the group date. And it's a Roller Derby date! This seems to be a cruel joke on poor one-armed Sarah, who doesn't have much balance (um, due to her one arm) and is in tears, close to quitting. But Amanda takes one for the team (literally) by falling on her face and possibly breaking her jaw. As she is whisked off to the hospital, Sean wisely decides to can the Derby and have a couple skate instead. And Steve Perry's "Foolish Heart" plays. Thankyoujesus. It's still in my head today. Again, thankyoujesus. After the skating (did someone "shoot the duck?" That's my signature rollerskating move.), the group moves on to the roof of the Roosevelt hotel and Tierra has (another) breakdown. She decides she has to leave, and finds Sean - with Lindsay - in bathing suits. (WHY DO THEY HAVE BATHING SUITS.) Poor Lindsay slinks back to the group in her bikini (awkward), while Tierra cries to Sean about how hard life is in the mansion. Boo freaking hoo. And what does Sean do? He rewards her behavior by giving her the rose. Robyn's dropped jaw was the same expression I had. WTF, Sean. This girl be CRAZY.

(Special props to Amanda for the best line of the night. She came back from the hospital and got a kiss on the chin from Sean. "A kiss on the chin?! I should have told him they had to take out my tonsils!" Said while closing her eyes and sticking out her tongue. Classic.)

Finally, we have the much-promoted Pretty Woman date with Leslie H. Complete with a fast car, diamond earrings, Badgley Mischka dress, shoes and purse, and a (borrowed) Neil Lane diamond earrings, it's looking to be a night of romance! Or not. Although she is adorable and a good conversationalist, Sean isn't feeling it and puts her back in the limo. We are all left wondering if she gets to keep the dress. And oh, Sean is sad. He even dramatically drops the rose from the balcony, petals falling as it lands on the ground. Groan.

At the rose ceremony, the women start to get more aggressive - with Sean and with each other. Adorable Catherine gives him a piece of paper with her lipstick pout on it, and then drags him to the driveway to really plant one on him. Robyn (who is wearing a dress that I own!) asks if he likes the taste of chocolate, then goes in for the kill. Hey-oh. And Tierra pulls off a very fake apology to Robyn and Jackie (I barely know who that is). Apparently the kiss on the chin equates to the kiss of death, because Amanda gets the boot.

Next week is TWO nights in a row?? Jesus. Ah well - bring it.

Ain't no party like a holiday office party 'cuz a holiday office party don't stop (and takes place in January)

We had our office holiday party last Thursday. Yes, a bit belated for a holiday party - but then again, it was a Black and White theme, so maybe the holiday we were celebrating was Martin Luther King Day. (or not.)

The Spazmatics were the band, and good lord I love them. I met some of them beforehand, and barely recognized them out of costume. I'm sure I still managed to come off like a total dork, though. (then again, that's how they dress...)

Due to the amazingness that is the Spazmatics (they played at Drew Barrymore's wedding, for pete's sake), I danced for literally three hours. The shoes came off after about an hour and a half, and I just roamed around barefoot the rest of the night. Got home around midnight, let the dog out, changed into my pjs, and noticed that one of my feet was caked in blood. (mine? someone else's? who knows) I assume I must have stepped on broken glass, but equally scary was that I had no idea it happened, and also had no idea where the source of the cut was. Too tired to deal with it, I rinsed off my feet and passed out.

Sign of a good office party, I have to say.

Ooh, manly. HANDYmanly.

I can't believe this is a show. But I sort of want to watch it.

Maybe that's how they spell Christmas in China

I really want a Tory Burch bag but can't afford one. So I googled "replica (aka knock-off) Tory Burch bags" and found www.newitisbag.com. Yes, folks: "New It Is Bag(s)". The unfortunate grammar in the title was the first sign that this site was clearly not US-based (I'm guessing China?), but there were a few more signs as well:

-the "Merry Chrstimas" banner which is still up (and spelled wrong), along with the weird anime Santa

-the amazing fact that all bags in all brands (Chanel! Versace! An unfortunately spelled Michael Korse!) were originally $368, but are now $40 each ("Save 80% off!")

-the fact that my work computer pops up a little flag whenever I go on the site, which probably means I now have a virus

I'm having the classic "angel on one shoulder, devil on the other" moment.
Devil: But the bags are only $40!
Angel: You are going to have your identity stolen if you put in your credit card information.
Devil: But the "T" logo on the Tory Burch purses looks so realistic!
Angel: This is not a legitimate site.
Devil: But....
Angel: Dear god. Don't do it.


Somehow the angel won. For now.