Bachelorette recap: Ich bin ein Bachelorette.

The Bachelorette world tour has begun! First stop: Munich. Des has never been to Europe, so she's pretty stoked to use one of the only German words she knows: Prost (cheers)! (I may have also heard her say Danke at the very beginning.)

Also busting out the German is Chris Harrison, who greets the remaining dudes with a Guten Morgen (and yes, my "Learn German in Your Car" CDs are finally coming in handy). I find myself wildly distracted by the fact that the guys are all wearing the same hoodie (albeit in different colors). We will soon learn that underneath those hoodies, they're all wearing different shades of v-neck tees, and over those hoodies, matching furry hooded parkas. So bizarro.

The first one-on-one date goes to Chris, who agrees to look moronic by trying to speak and understand German, dressing up in lederhosen (had to look up the spelling on that bad boy) and dancing around the square while a crowd gathered. Morons are even morons in Germany, apparently. The date gets interrupted by Bryden, who scours the town to find Des in order to tell her he's leaving. She seems more upset that he got a free flight to Munich than the fact that he's ditched her, but he doesn't really seem to care. She returns to Chris, saying she doesn't want to talk about it, then proceeds to talk about it for the next 10 minutes. Chris changes the subject by reading her another poem (and I fast-forwarded here to avoid the awkward), they kiss and dance and he snags the rose. Danke.

The group date showcases the above-mentioned parkas: they head up to the top of the highest peak, with breathtaking views of the Alps. And yes, there was a yodeler. Thankyoujesus. Loved that Juan Pablo didn't know how to pronounce it and needed the producers to help a brother out. Who else was hoping for a yodelling competition between the guys? But no - instead they catapulted themselves DOWN the highest peak in little plastic sleds. And all proceeded to wipe out. One poor soul even crashed into Des. She brushed it off (as well as the snow in her face) and they headed inside to get warm. Or not, since they chose to hang out in an ice bar. I have been to an ice bar before (of course, it was in Vegas, not Germany), and that shiz is freezing. No one was wiping their runny noses or rubbing their hands together for warmth, so methinks it was not as cold as it could have been. Brooks gets some alone time with Des, and they seem to really have chemistry. And like to make out. He's mad about the one-on-one time James (big-neck) gets, but I personally enjoyed Nick. He interrupted Mikey's date by yodelling to Des, and then told her how 10 years ago in that very spot, he decided not to be a priest. But they still haven't kissed, so I don't think Des is feeling Mr Abs. The rose goes to Brooks, but James doesn't mind - the only person he has to fear is himself. Ominous.

Speaking of ominous, the dreaded two-on-one date is next, pitting rivals Ben and Michael against each other. (Nice work, producers!) Michael compares it to a gladiator setting, saying he's going to kill Ben. Or at least use his awesome federal prosecutor skills on him. Ooooooh.We proceed to the Most Awkward Date in the History of Time.

Des tells the boys they have to polar bear plunge-it into the lake, but JUST KIDDING! Instead, they all sit and stare at each other in a floating hot tub (awesome, btw). Michael immediately goes for the jugular, telling Des that Ben doesn't get along with anyone in the house, and asks him point-blank how often he has called his son since he's been on the show. Basically calls him a dead-beat dad. And there's nowhere for Ben to go! (One problem with the floating hot tub - it's not a floating hot tub time machine. Hey-oh.)

There's no relief back on dry land at dinner, as Michael next decides to call Ben out on his faith, wondering why he didn't go to church with everyone else on Easter. (Um, why wasn't this filmed? Amazing.) Ben finally has to take a moment to collect himself, and Des tells Michael he's waaaaay out of line (Amen. No pun intended.). Michael rebounds, knowing he's about to screw himself out of the rose, and expresses his concerns for her and Ben. I was really hoping she would send both of these idiots packing, but Michael somehow manages to get the rose. Ben shows his true d-bag colors in the exit limo. Bye, Ben. Maybe I'll come visit you at your bar. But probably not.

During this debacle, we pan back to the fellas in the hotel, and learn that James is happy to replace Ben as the villain - he just wants to be the next Bachelor. Since he already "owns" Chicago. Really? Does Oprah know about this? But that will have to be continued, because the only guy going home after the rose ceremony is Mikey. Excellent choice. Eliminating, one meathead at a time.

I may print up some Team Juan Pablo shirts. Just sayin'.

Mr. Worldwide

Went to see Ke$ha and Pitbull last night. Was initially afraid for my life, imagining what the crowd would be like. But instead just felt overdressed. This was how 90% of the audience was dressed:

I clearly did not get the daisy dukes memo. There was also lots of body glitter - thanks, Ke$ha. Her stage included blow-up legs, a big inflatable pig and lots of people dressed in animal costumes. Either she's on acid or she's into beastiality. (Legs and pig seen below)

The craziest part was the location. It was called Starplex growing up (and has gone through unfortunate name-changes over the years: Smirnoff, Superpages.com and now Gexa Energy Pavilion), and it will always be Starplex to me. We saw lots of shows there in high school: Duran Duran, Brooks & Dunn, Spin Doctors, Jimmy Buffet...and I honestly can't believe our parents let us go. Looking around at all the high school kids last night who were drinking, smoking pot, wearing bras as tops and tiny underwear-revealing shorts and, if they obeyed Ke$ha's final words, "getting laid!", I just wanted to ask them "do your parents KNOW where you are/what you're wearing?!" Good lord I'm old.

It's also possible I'm already packed.

You know you need a vacation when it's a month away and you've already set your out-of-office email notification.

Throwback Thursday

I think I had this as a single cassette.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Ol4oWChjzk

You can take the girl out of the blonde, but you can't take the blonde out of the girl.

It's possible I picked up a tin of Altoids that fell onto the floor of the car and somehow turned on an indicator light. It's also possible that I busted out the manual (!) to find out what the light meant (at that point didn't know I had turned it on and thought something was horribly wrong with my car). Learned that I had turned off the Overdrive (?), and to turn it back on simply needed to press the button on the gear shift (??). Flipping around, I didn't see a page for that in the manual, so sadly I had to call my dad to find out what the gear shift was. When he told me (through muffled giggles), I felt fairly dumb. Of COURSE that's what the gear shift is. And there's the Overdrive button. Good lord. Might be time to invest in an auto mechanics class.

How hard is it to get a friends with benefits thing happening.

For some reason, I follow Cornwell Casting on Facebook, and good lord they are casting for some hilarious shows.

For example:

• Do you have a secret office romance going on? Cornwell Casting is looking for men and women, 20-35, in the Los Angeles and surrounding area who are involved in an office romance for a major network show! Whether it be strictly a friends with benefits situation, or if you are secretly dating, we want to speak to YOU! This is for a new docu-series will follow multiple pairs as they navigate the line between dating and just being co-workers. To participate, both people must be willing to participate and be open and honest about the relationship. 
• Are you in a friends with benefits situation? Do you live in Los Angeles?
• Anyone know any ghost hunters? Storm chasers?
• URGENT: KNOW SOMEONE THAT IS GETTING SEPARATED/DIVORCED?
Still looking for divorcing or separating couples with assets for Vikki Ziegler to split for a new BRAVO show! Email us at Info@CornwellCasting.com for more details.If you refer a couple that makes it onto the show, you'll get $500! If you refer two, you get $1500. This show is meant to be portrayed in a lighthearted, positive manner as we know this can be a difficult time for couples! Casting ends soon.

Too bad I don't live in California anymore. Not that any of these shows apply to me...ahem...

Bachelorette recap: "There were trainwrecks at every station."

If you'll humor me, I'd like to do this recap a bit differently. I'm going to breeze by the boring one-on-one dates and focus on the Best Group Date EVER. Thanks.

We arrive in Atlantic City (guess Vegas wasn't in the budget). Des has another lame one-on-one date with Brad (who?), who thank god doesn't get the rose. Then she has a tear-jerker date with James (big-neck), touring the destruction from Hurricane Sandy. (Romantic!) Which then becomes "The Elderly Bachelor" when a Jersey Shore couple whose house was destroyed gets to go on the date, see Darius Rucker, eat a fancy dinner, ride in a limo, even have interviews with the camera. Cute, yes, but it all went on a bit long for me. We get it, ABC. Jan and Manny are sweet. But jeez. I will note that James again mentions he's there "for the right reasons" - this needs to be a drinking game.

Now back to the good stuff. Oh good lord - it's a Bachelorette Mr. America competition. Who else thinks this should be its own reality show. I would watch this crap every week (wait - I already do. Hey-oh.). With advice from the reigning Miss America (not cute - what gives?) and a fabulous gay pageant coach, the boys learn to walk the runway (amazing), answer interview questions (Juan Pablo FTW), perform a talent (back to this in a minute) and of course, the swimsuit competition (banana hammocks!!). Yessssss.

Luckily, the guys all seem up for the challenge, and all seem to have recently been tanned and waxed. So we're good. The talent portion was my favorite part - everything from Magic Mike (Bryden!) to ukelele smashing (Brooks) to a reading from Romeo and Juliet (Drew) to baton twirling (Juan Pablo, with amazing natural talent!) to rhythmic gymnastics with a ribbon (Ben) to bad tap-dancing (Kasey) to some sort of embarrassing striptease (Mickey) to the odd choice of hula-hooping in high heels (Chris). Seriously I could have watched this all night.

Kasey wins, although my money was on Chris, but that oddly doesn't guarantee him the rose. It instead goes to Zak W for his lengthy (and highly fast-forwardable) guitar-playing and singing. Alrighty. Chris also reveals he's a poet (and does in fact know it), reading her some of his work before moving in for the smooch. Smooth, man. There is also some usual Ben-bashing from his fan club (Mickey and Michael). Getting old, boys.

At the cocktail party, Bryden is distraught and might just go home, but Des convinces him to stay. Michael (federal prosecutor) spells out D-E-S and goes in for a seemingly awkward kiss (seriously - has she kissed them ALL at this point?!). Sadly, only the other Zack gets the boot. Always awkward when only one guy goes home.

Next week: Munich and Ben shares some of the bad-boy rap with James. Yay for big necks and bigger egos!