I am a dating machine. That probably needs repairs.

This week: date-a-rama. Three nights, three different first dates. (In a row, might I add.) Since I'm meeting them right after work, I've been looking way cuter than normal at the office all week, which is probably leading people to think I'm interviewing elsewhere. (Although helLO -these outfits are pretty slutty for interview standards. Kidding, mom!)

Just playing the numbers game. Hopefully ONE of these dudes will stick...because I don't think I can go 4 for 4. Mama needs a nap.

Is that pronounced "moo-uh?"

In another amusing work tale, I was helping a San Francisco co-worker with some internet updates yesterday. She wrote me that the wrong name was listed as the contact person for the office, and that it should in fact be, and I quote, "Muah." I'm thinking, hmm - must be a new hire, I've never heard of Muah, but I can certainly make that change. As I'm writing her back to ask if I should also make Muah the point person for San Fran hotels, I realized she meant "MOI." As in herself. Um, nice. I fell out of my chair laughing, and felt the need to let her know that I thought Ms Muah was a new hire. Good times, folks. Good times.

Have I thanked God for fast-forward today? (aka my Bachelor Pad round-up)

More cringe-worthy times to be had on The Pad last night. Particularly the kissing contest. Good lord, people. Your families are watching this. What was so wrong and so very awesome at the same time was that everyone mentioned Kasey's bad breath. Take THAT, Vienna.


Melissa is so crazytown that she really might never get a date again in real life, and Erica is just...Erica. Her oily rubdown of Blake was another fast-forward inducer for me. Vom.


And what was up with Michael's "I Heart Water" t-shirt? Is he getting royalties for some sort of water company? Or is that just how he truly feels? I'm sure we'll find out soon enough, as he tends to express his feelings often. (Shame on you, Holly. Shame on you for making snow angels with Blake and being all "woe is me - two guys are in love with me!" Must be nice.)


What I truly don't understand about this show (and perhaps one reason I'm not picked to participate) is why. They. Don't. Just. Vote. Off. Kasey. No one can understand him anyway...would just make communication a lot easier around there, if you ask me. Not that you did.

Maybe it's an Aussie thing

A girl who works in our Sydney office (G'day!) often writes emails addressed to me and a co-worker. And every time the email starts, "Hi, both." WTF. Although now we find it so funny we use it in office greetings to each other - "Bye, both! Going to lunch!" Etc.

Those crazy Australians.

Another "what not to do" on Match

(at least, if you want me to respond...)

Spell your own name correctly. Seriously. Just got an email from someone with the screen name "Chrisitopher." Now, unless this is some new hip spelling for Christopher, run a quick spell-check, buddy. I know, my standards are just unreachably high. Sigh.

Los VMA's. A recap.

I'll admit - i haven't watched the VMA's in a few years. Always catch highlights/what people wore later on. But for some reason, I watched last night. Some unsolicited commentary:

1. Lady Gaga is not an attractive man.

2. It's Britney, bitch!!

3. Bieber: the glasses don't make you look older.

4. WTF was Nikki Minaj carrying? Looked like some sort of baby toy.

5. Loved "Otis." Actually, I love Otis for real.

6. Beyonce=preggers. Good thing he put a ring on it.

7. Didn't really get the house band with the Mila Kunis look-alike. Who I now know is Jessie J. Man I'm old and out of touch.

8. Jonah Hill?! Is that really you?! Also enjoyed the Rick Ross-Paul Rudd duo.

9. Why was Kim Kardashian there. Why is she anywhere.

10. The censor guy at the VMA's is the hardest working man in show business.

Actually, I might not be cool enough to watch these anymore.

C'mon Irene. (er, Eileen)

Is it bad that I would rather brave a hurricane than face 108 degree temps this weekend?

And is it weird to anyone else that they're already mass-producing these t-shirts? (Although perhaps they're selling like hotcakes in the Bahamas...)

Woodn't you like this for your phone?

Why do I think this Blackberry case is so cute? (Apparently I'm not the only one - it's sold out.) Just proves that phone cover options are truly endless - I half expect to see one made out of a glass mirror, or one that has Swiss Army-like features that pop out the sides. Both of which, for a klutz like me, could be a very bad idea. Perhaps I should stick to the bedazzled ones, just to be safe. (Yeah, because THAT'S why I have them. For safety. Not because they're so shiny and pretty...)

The Sausage King of Chicago

At my suggestion (shocking), we're having the first-ever movie night at work tonight, and of course I chose the film: Ferris Bueller's Day Off. And of course I'm wearing my "Save Ferris" t-shirt. Because of course I own one.

F@&$

Sorry about the title - was channeling my inner Eminem. Who I have rediscovered my love for - so much so that I made an Eminem mega mix (or "Eminemix" if you will) yesterday and have been cranking it UP in the car. (Man I'm gangsta.)

MTV has been airing "best performances of the VMAs" videos this week, and I caught "The Real Slim Shady" where Eminem walks in with 100 bleached blonde, wife-beater-wearing look-alikes...greatness.

I think it's his anger that makes him so attractive to me. (And yes, I know that sounds AWFUL.) But he's just soooo angry.

Imports/Exports

Gotta give credit where it's due: saw this guy's profile on Match with the screen name "Art Vandelay." Good stuff.

Channeling FDR

Last week I was tasked with testing out the webcam capabilities at work in order to record a presentation by our CEO. He would stand in front of a screen with PowerPoint slides, which we tested on the camera, but I of course wanted something more. So I asked our IT wiz to download a roaring fire to create a fireside chat. And he did. So the above is what we came up with. Sadly, the CEO ended up using the slides anyway. But how great would it have been for him to rock some sort of cardigan sweater in front of the "fire," remove a pipe from his mouth, and delve into the meeting.

(Note: this is why I'm not a CEO.)

Sounds like I'm telling a joke, but it's true

Remember the sweet mentally challenged guy at my gym who has a crush on me? (as opposed to the OTHER guy who has a crush on me...ha) This morning he was regaling us with his birthday party details, and said he went to dinner with a friend and had a Long Island iced tea, a hurricane, some whiskey...

Someone asked him what restaurant he went to. He said he couldn't remember.

(I wonder why.)

Thanks - I'll be here all week! Try the veal!

Why can't I stop watching this show. Seriously.

I'm sure not all of you watch Bachelor Pad (for shame!). Let me just say that last night's episode had two stand-out moments and two cringe-worthy moments (which I had to fast-forward through). (Okay, probably way more than two of the latter, but I don't want to write that much.)

Cringe-worthy Moment #1: When nutty Erica Rose kept pawing at Jake and I knew a serious mug-down was about to happen (and I was right. Ew.)

Cringe-worthy Moment #2: When Kasey serenaded Vienna. WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS. I seriously can't deal.

Stand-out Moment #1: Bret f-ing Michaels. What the hell he was doing there, I have no idea - are they giving him a new show where he's a relationship coach? - but damn I heart him. And damn I miss Rock of Love.

Stand-out Moment #2: Synchronized swimming, people. SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING. I heard an interview with Chris Harrison on the radio and he said the guys' Speedos were quite...revealing. HA. And the whole thing made me think of the best SNL sketch in history, featuring Martin Short in a life vest because he's "not a strong swimmer." Greatness.

So dunzo

With the whole Kim Kardashian wedding hoopla. And it really IS a hoopla. From the 6-foot wedding cake modeled after Will and Kate's, to her bridesmaids wearing white a la Pippa, who does this chick think she is - royalty? Um, you are famous for a sex tape, my dear.

And why didn't they have to pay for ANYTHING. Three free Vera Wang wedding dresses?? Yo, Vera. I'll wear a different one every hour on the hour if you want to give them to me gratis...

Yes, I bitch and moan. But yes, I will be watching the wedding special on E!. They've managed to suck me again yet again. Krap.

A time to get A/C

Watched "A Time to Kill" yesterday - love that movie. But what is UP with all the sweating. It takes place in modern times, yes? Do they not have air conditioning in Mississippi? (Of course, I really can't complain about a sweaty Matthew McConaughey.)

And we're back.

On Match.com, that is. I know, I know. I told you to slap me in the face if I signed up again. But seriously. There are No. Other. Options.

I do think it's amusing how my profile headlines have evolved over the years. And yes, it has been years. Oh the humanity.

Started out with something super lame like "Blondes DO have more fun." Oof.
Then I tried the humor approach: "This one time...at band camp..."
And then the guy-friendly movie line angle: "Damn glad to meet ya! (and yes, I'm quoting Animal House.)"

And the latest incarnation, which probably reveals the most about me as a person:
"Stop. Collaborate and listen."

Oddly, not bringing in as many suitors as one would think. Curses, Vanilla Ice. Curses.

I mean, he wasn't picked for his brains...

This recent tweet by Jake Pavelka will teach me not to follow these idiots on Twitter anymore: "Ok...headed to Alabama. What is Roll Tide?"

Sigh.

Congratulations! It's a....satchel!

I've been going to a lot of baby showers lately. Getting a lot of birth announcements in the mail. And I cherish every one - my refrigerator door is proof positive of that. But as a single girl, is it wrong to feel that my awesome new purse (above) might deserve an announcement of its own? Especially considering I have nothing else to put out an announcement about?

Here we go:

Sarah is proud to welcome this awesome Michael Kors purse into the family. It's name is Grayson (this is true: it's a "Grayson Jet Set Tote.") She is registered at Michael Kors counters around the city in case you would like to buy her the matching wallet or keychain.

Yay for our growing family!

I crack myself up. But seriously - I will be taking photos of this purse and putting them on Facebook. You think I'm joking.

Coug-ing it up

Tonight a friend is semi-setting me up with a young pup. (I say "semi" because it's a group happy hour, not actually a date - yay for less pressure and drinking!) I don't even know HOW young, but let's just say his demographic would be the 20-25 age group. Holy cougarness. Luckily, I work with youngsters, so I'm hip to their lingo and pop culture icons. And have learned that any 80s references will go right over their little heads. Sigh.

Thank god for alcohol. :)

Ready? Aim? FAIL.

Finally got caught up on this week's Bachelor Pad - good lord. They make all the girls wear the same white bikinis, paint a target on their backs, and then make the guys throw paint balls at the ones they think are the ugliest?? Where have I seen this kind of thing before?

Hel-looo, sorority rush. Just kidding. (Kind of)

But this is pretty harsh...poor little Erica Rose, who at an approx size 6 feels "fat" because she got pelted with the most balls (that's what she said). Maybe it's the tiara the guys don't like, Erica. Just spitballing here.

My new career: Onesy designer

You can't really read these, but they say "Feed me now," "Burp me now" and "Change me now." (And our company logo, Research Now, goes on the butt.) I'm sorry - these are good.

Big D. Which stands for "disappointment"

Um how bad was "Most Eligible Dallas" last night. Really might not be able to keep watching. The only redeeming part for me was seeing places I recognized - Sfuzzi! Jasper's! - and reaffirming why I refuse to go to Teddy's.

I DID catch a glimpse of a photo from Hockaday Ring Day - anyone? The Drew Ginsburg guy's "fat" photo was totally Hockaday. Hilarious. But nothing else was very funny. (Except that most of these people conveniently work for their parents...)

Seriously - no WONDER I'm single, if these are the idiots who are roaming the streets. Sigh.

Life moves pretty fast.

Caught Ferris Bueller's Day Off at the gym yesterday. And I have a question. In the infamous "Bueller...Bueller..." scene, the teacher lists off about 10 last names that start with A. (Adams...Adamson...Adler...Anderson...etc.) Then the only B name is Bueller. And the next name is Fry. Why the hell does half the class have last names that start with A. Where are the Browns. The Carlsons. The Dunklemans. You catch my drift.

And perhaps I have too much free time.

My Nana, ladies and gentlemen!

My 87-year-old grandmother was the hit of the wedding this weekend. She danced up a storm, gave an impromptu speech "because she had something to say!" - and when someone complained they couldn't hear her, she simply turned to the sound guy (aka the groom, aka my brother) and said, "Well, turn it up!" - and even went around telling people who asked why *I* wasn't married, "She's NOT gay..."

Ah, Nana. Here's to 87 more years. Which she will probably live to see.

Guess they really ARE just roommates.

This is the funniest article I have ever read. Period.

http://www.usmagazine.com/moviestvmusic/news/bert-and-ernie-are-not-gay-sesame-street-rep-2011118

SOG, checking in. (That's Sister of the Groom, duh)

My little bro is getting married this weekend in Austin - woooo! Should be a plethora of pinatas (shout-out, Three Amigos) and good ole family fun. Cousins, step-brothers, past mailmen...okay maybe not that last one, but it should be quite the Stockton Family Extravaganza.

Plus the fact that my college roommate is in Austin and I'm hoping we get to meet up...

Congrats Cole and Chelsea!!

Concrete's a bitch

The walls of my new place are concrete. Which is great for sound-proofing (and since my old neighbors woke me up practically every night having sex, I really APPRECIATE sound-proofing), but not so great for hanging things. My mom's one job this week: hang things. And I have to give her a big fat A for effort. I now own all kinds of random adhesives and hooks and screws...none of which actually work. Industrial strength velcro! (Maybe I'll make one of those fly walls and get a trampoline and jump up and stick myself to it.) Mortar nails! Double-stick tape! (My personal adhesive of choice...) Liquid nails! And the list goes on. I think the staff at Lowe's knows her by name at this point.

It's very much a "how many blondes does it take to screw in a painting" situation. And apparently it takes more than two: we finally gave up and hired the maintenance guy at my apt to come and drill a bunch of holes. There's a "that's what she said" joke in there somewhere...

Just a two word blog post today.

BACHELOR. PAD.*

*I seriously can't get enough of this crap. Someone help me.

This crap only happens to moi

Picture it: first night in Paris by myself, walking under the Eiffel Tower. There are hundreds of tourists, lined up on all sides, waiting to go up the tower. And in front of me, I see a guy dressed in camo shorts with a blackened nose. Not sure if it's a dog nose or just paint, but either way I plan to avoid him at all costs. But instead he spots me and starts walking toward me, arms outstretched. At this point it's too late for me to turn and run - he's closing in. I'm praying I don't get stabbed or raped out in front of all of these tourists, and instead find myself enveloped in a hug. Mind you, my arms remain stiff at my sides - who the hell IS this person, and why is he hugging me?! A few seconds later, he unhooks himself from me and turns to the crowd. "Ladies and gentlemen!" He yells. "My WIFE!" And nods in my direction. The crowd cheers. I turn a deep shade of red and get the hell out of there.

Apparently I wandered into some sort of street performance, and looking back it is hysterical. At the time, though - mortifying. What else is new.

Good thing black nail polish is in...

Because I'm about to lose a toenail, friends. In the 36 hours since my mom arrived, I have already had two injuries. The first happened before she even got to my place - I was reaching for the phone to give her directions and fell out of bed onto the hardwood floor, slamming my back into the iron bed frame. Needless to say I could barely move yesterday. And can move even less today, after a freakishly heavy nutcracker (we're talking 10-pounder here) came crashing down on toe #2 (the little piggie who stayed home?). Always one with a flair for the dramatic, I let out the most blood curdling scream I could muster, and haven't been able to walk on it since. It's already turned a lovely shade of blue, and I don't think the toenail is long for this world. At least it's open-toed shoe season...although let me just tell you, wearing flip-flops on the elliptical is...different. Because god forbid I skip a workout. The nutcracker could have lopped off the toe completely, and I probably still would have figured out a way to work up a sweat. Nuts, I know. (Pun intended.)

My daddy HATES me wearing these boots

Finally saw the preview for the new Footloose movie last night. Meh. It's the same, but...not. And there's hip-hop dancing. I don't think the good people of Beaumont (tragically spelled "Bomont" in the movie) would go for that. You've gotta ease them in, guys. Of course I will probably see this movie, but will know in my heart that the 80s version was better. (Which is pretty much the case with everything in my life, isn't it.)

Let's daaaaaaaance!

How about a little follow-through, people?

A few months ago, my boss told me she had someone to set me up with. Ironically, we both went to UNC although I have never met him. (And yes, I Facebook stalked him - 9 mutual friends!! What are the odds.) And yet...two months have passed, and no set-up. I'm sure he has a girlfriend by now - that's how these things work. There are way too many beautiful, single girls in Dallas for a guy to be single for long. So just a heads up - if you find someone to set me up with, do it THAT DAY. Gotta strike while the iron's hot, you know? (And yes, I speak from experience...)

Holy hotness, batman

(And no, I'm not referring to myself. Heh.) I'm referring to the redonkulous heat wave happening in Dallas (and most of the US) right now. I mean it's 8:30am and it's already 93 degrees out. Yesterday my car read 120. And only went down to 113. Awesome.

The rolling power outages also sound like fun - no A/C at all! Wheeee! (Just like being back in London!) So far, haven't experienced one (knock on wood), but I have a feeling it will be happening soon enough.

Damn you, global warming. (Actually, damn you Aquanet users from the 80s. I blame you for this. And mall hair.)

Waaaay too much Bachelorette for one person to stomach

I was very behind on my Bachelorette watching, having been in Europe last week. So last night/this morning I managed to crank out last week's ep (which the President so rudely interrupted - WTF), the Men Tell All (which was a complete letdown sans Bentley), last night's finale AND the After the Rose special. All told, 7 freaking hours of Ashley and her ever-shrinking outfits. Le sigh.

And BIG le sigh re: Ben C. I so heart him. And I so knew he was a goner when he started telling the camera about being engaged. Wah. Call me, Benny. We'll get you a quick haircut and then we can start dating. K?

Is this a French thing?

Picture it: I'm at the train station yesterday morning, waiting for my chunnel back to London to fly home. Waiting, and waiting. All of a sudden, there was a huge explosion. Apparently there was an unattended bag left in the station, and so they blew it up. Um, what? Do they do this in America? Not sure I understand the logic behind it - what if it WAS a bomb? Wouldn't blowing it up kind of defeat the purpose and cause the bomb to explode anyway?

Regardless, Paris was amazing. I might write a book on how to see it in 24 hours. Because that's basically what I did. The Eiffel Tower, a cruise down the Seine, Notre Dame, Arc de Triomph, Saint Germain des Pres...and finished it off with a mani/pedi. Seriously considered asking for a FRENCH manicure...but is that just a manicure over there??