Twingate: A Bachelor Pad special report

So glad that the most annoying twins since Sweet Valley High self-destructed and took themselves off the show. Good lord those girls were a trainwreck.
With them gone, Erica Rose was safe for another week - but did anyone else notice she wears a necklace that looks a lot like a penis? I know it's actually a gavel, but good lord I couldn't look anywhere else. (Sidebar: yes I follow her on Twitter and yes she answered the same question. Ha.)

Best line of the night: "I've never worn a leotard before." Which of course came from one of the guys when they had to perform a rhythmic gymnastics routine. Made me miss last year's synchronized swimming challenge - what a disaster.

Ed was once again in rare form - Jillian SO dodged a bullet there - but I will say his "In a Pickle" soap box derby car was hilarious. As was his "taste of victory" drinking out of the trophy. But his drunken make-out with Sarah? Tragic. Poor Reid tried to boot him off, but once again math failed him. Damn you, math.

And Jamie wins the desperation award of the week. She likes Chris. Chris sort of likes her, but likes $250K more so stays with Blakely. Even makes out with B in the bunk bed she shares with Jamie. And Jamie still SLEEPS in said bunk bed, crying herself to sleep while the action continues down below. WTMF. Plus the fact that she give her partner (who, although a virgin, is in love with her) the boot so she can partner with Chris?! This makes no sense. Then again, it's Bachelor Pad. What do I expect.


Finally: Lindzi and KALON? What in god's name.

There's no "the" in Batman

Saw The Dark Knight Rises yesterday - good stuff. Not a huge Batman fan (I don't dislike him - just kind of neutral either way), but aside from it being kind of long and semi-violent, I liked it. Particularly Anne Hathaway - meow. Also liked the security guard who stood in the aisle the whole time (remember, I'm still in Colorado). People even clapped at the end. (Not me, but people did.)
And the above is why I am not pursuing a career as a movie critic.

a blog Olympiad. Because I like the word Olympiad.

Well, I have so many thoughts about the Olympics I simply had to blog. Good luck following my train of thought. Bizarro opening ceremony. Period. Parade of Nations - once I learned most of the swimmers weren't walking (ahem, Ryan Lochte), I was kind of like "why bother?" Plus the fact that our athletes were practically last. How about we go by "America" from here on out so we can be at the front? And I know no one asked, but personally I think they should have worn jeans and white shirts. Super cute and cool. And USA-riffic. So many weirdo sports that end up sucking me in. I'm talking to you, handball. And archery. Also so many fun announcer names: Rowdy. Elfie. Etc. The tape delay is redonk. I knew the results of the men's swimming a few hours ago. And yet it won't be on tv until much later. WTF NBC. More to come...

Alive. (barely)

Sorry about the lack of a blog post yesterday - I failed to mention that I was going on vacation to Colorado. Probably won't post again until Tuesday (devastating, I know), but wanted to alert all 57 of you that I am in fact alive and well and not trapped under something heavy. Well, I'm alive. Not sure about the "well" part. I guess I got a lovely case of altitude sickness, because about an hour after arriving we pulled into a Nordstrom Rack parking lot and I promptly puked three times. Out of the car. And of course there was a guy hanging out in the front seat of the car next to ours. Sorry pal. I'm not from here. Still felt like crap for most of the day but finally think I'm settled in. We DID decide to push the mountain hike (and windy mountain drive) back to Saturday just in case. Probably a good call. Gotta get my above-sea-level sea legs.

I'm not sure I Want it That Way

Last night, E! aired a special, "15 Awesomest Boy Bands." The top 5?

5. Boyz II Men
4. New Edition
3. NKOTB
2. NSYNC
1. Backstreet Boys

Kind of surprised the Jackson 5 didn't make the cut, although I'm sure they were in the top 15 somewhere.Otherwise I support this list, although I think NSYNC should be #1. And that's not just because I saw them in concert three times and made eye contact with Justin once. Or because I may have shelled out $35 for an NSYNC t-shirt at one of them.Or because I have a marionette doll of JC that's still in the box. Or maybe it's because of ALL of these reasons. :)

BP3, yo

Bachelor Pad is back, folks. And I for one am psyched. Here, some reasons why.

Reid: I remember why I was once Team Reid. Love. (And his whole "read. page" thing was adorbs.)
Ed: the bloom is off the rose for me on this guy. What a drunken idiot/tool. Kudos to Chris Harrison for asking about the green shorts...
Blakeley: while I appreciate she's still giving it her all at 34 (which, I hate to tell the blonde superfan twins, is not quite menopause age), she's a disaster. And I kind of agreed with Jaclyn (who I have nothing else to say about): "What the #&* is she wearing?!" Also amusing that she's gone from a "VIP Cocktail Waitress" (aka stripper) to...waxer. (with a heart of gold, I'm sure.)
Sarah: No clue who this is.
Jamie: Has gone from straddling Ben to hooking up with Chris (crazy eyes). Not sure if that's a vertical move or a horizontal one. (hey-oh!)
Erica Rose: How is this girl only 30. Glad to see the crystal gavel is still in the picture - might be her longest relationship.
Kalon: Sigh. Anyone else think he wears veneers?
Ryan: Also no idea who he is. Although now I know he's a virgin.
Stagliano: Yessssss.


Superfans:
Why, first of all. Similar to all Real World/Road Rules challenges involving veterans versus fresh meat, the fresh meat will always be the first to get the axe.
Secondly, can't believe that men would admit to being a "superfan." Particularly one on a SWAT team. (But I think my favorite part of the entire episode was showing him, in his pajamas, settling in to watch the Bachelor with a glass of red wine. He's all yours, ladies.) And I loved how he took pictures with everyone - including Chris Harrison. (I would, too.)
Third, why twins. WHY. They count as one player, they dress exactly the same, and they flat-out bug. Fingers crossed they get the boot next week.

Welcome back, Bachelor Pad. We've missed you.

One f is good enough

...for Emily, at least. Jef was the last man standing and popped the question (on the saddest little podium in Bachelor history). Arie got the boot early on (begging the question why is this program 3 hours long), and thankfully never got introduced to little Ricki, Emily's daughter. I will say Jef seemed to get along well with her - maybe be cause he's like a child himself - and the pics of the three of them are rather adorbs. Even with Arie's weird admission to flying to Charlotte to give Emily his journal, it wasn't exactly the most dramatic rose ceremony ever. In fact, everything seems hunky dory and I found myself a little bored, to be honest. Thank god Bachelor Pad starts tonight.

Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

Got to talking yesterday about cars, and I had my co-workers in stitches (um, as usual) when I relayed the sad tale of the Nissan Sentra. I believe I've blogged about it before - never had the title, so I would create new dates on the temporary license plate every few weeks; had manual windows; and it made a horrific and very embarrassing sound when I hit the brakes - but what really got them going was the fact that the car had sheepskin seat covers. BLACK sheepskin seat covers. Which my mom thoughtfully gave me to cover the tragedy of the ACTUAL seats, but still. Sheepskin seat covers in Texas in the summer (not to mention black ones) are basically the equivalent of wearing a fur coat in 100 degree temperatures. Sweat-fest, much? That car was such a disaster that when I finally got another one (and no, there was no trade-in - I probably would have had to pay the dealership to take it off my hands), I literally left the car with the keys in it at a gas station. Odds are it's still there.

This won't end well.

Wearing white pants and a white top today. And drinking coffee. You do the math.

An "Advised" Advisory

There's a new show on Bravo called Miss Advised. And since I have to watch EVERY show on Bravo, I'm watching it. And what a trainwreck it is. It's about three relationship "experts" - a sex radio talk show host, a dating columnist and a matchmaker - and how they refuse to take their own advice in their love lives and continue to be disastrous at dating. Seriously - these women are cringe-worthy. My favorite part is to watch the poor guys' reactions when the women go bizarro and lay their heads down in the guys' laps in a limo. Or make them go to a fake prom featuring just the two of them. Or get all pissy one minute and then make out the next. (Okay, that one is actually not so bizarro. Ha.)

But like all good trainwrecks, I just can't turn away. Foiled again, Bravo.

Telling it like it is.

Ah, The Men Tell All episode. Really the best that the Bachelor/ette franchise has to offer. Last night was particularly amusing to me since the two resident douchebags, Kalon and Ryan, refused to apologize for their behavior and just kind of shrugged it off. Well done, boys. And even though Emily bugs me, gotta give her props for going all West Virginia hoodrat on Kalon and telling the world he was in fact an a**hole (as if we didn't already know it).

Also props to John "Wolf" for the pink pants and loafers-with-no-socks ensemble. Prepster says what?

And of course, Chris Harrison. Not afraid to give it right back to the guys. Someone give this man his own show!

But the best part was the preview for Bachelor Pad. Reid! Ed! Erica Rose! Stagliano! And how Chris becomes the pimp of the house, I'll never know. But I do know I'll be tuning in...

Well that was fast.

Just saw on Facebook that this guy I "dated" last summer (and by "dated" I mean 5 platonic tennis dates) got married over the weekend. I guess when you know, you know. (Or as was the case with me, when you don't know. Ha.)

No wonder the French hate us

I threw myself a Bastille Day-themed birthday party this weekend, and it was chock full of French stereotypes. We wore berets. We donned mustaches (yay!). Some people smoked. And some busted out unfortunate attempts at a French accent. All in all, tres amusant. But I'm sure tres offensive to the French. Ah well. They're usually tres offensive to us.


(Cue the international incident I probably just instigated.)

Puzzling.

Somehow I must have checked the "puzzle lock" feature on my phone's alarm clock, because when it went off this morning, suddenly I was required to do basic math in order to make it stop buzzing. And at 3am, that simply wasn't happening. Took like five snooze alarms to figure out what in the hell was going on. Oof.

For Laura.

I may have mentioned that I love theme parties. Exhibit A, above. And with another one tomorrow night, I can safely say that I am practically giddy.

Where's a bottle of shoe polish when you really need it?

Saw a car yesterday with "SKA '13" shoe-polished on the back window. I'm a little embarrassed to admit how recently it was that I figured out what "SKA" meant. For a while I thought it was an odd, albeit bold, reference to ska music (is that even still a thing?).  Then I thought maybe it was a Young Life reference or something. But finally I realized it means "Seniors Kick Ass," which is pretty awesome. How much would you pay me to write SKA '95 on my car. I think it would be fantastic, actually. And it would of course mean "Seniors KICKED Ass." Past tense. Because well, we did.

You look like a monkey, and you smell like one too.

Birthdays are the best. Too bad they only come once a year. Turned 35 yesterday, and although officially being in my mid-30s and only five years away from 40 isn't the most fun, my birthday certainly was.
Office decorations, flowers, balloons, manicures, cake, cards, gifts, drinks and a great dinner - all crammed into 24 hours. Plus the big bash we're having this weekend...because I'm always a proponent of extending the celebrating for as long as possible.

Thanks to everyone for the birthday merriment - let's do this again next year. Save the date.

Putting the "ow" in Curacao (yet another Bachelorette recap)

Aw, Sean. Poor poor Sean. He finally gets up the nerve to tell Emily he loves her, and BAM. No rose. Maybe it was the fact that homeboy couldn't be bothered to tuck in his shirt for the rose ceremony? I get the no tie, since it's Curacao, but at least tuck in your shirt, dude.

Arie's description of his life - waking up at 9 (!), going out every night because he doesn't like to be alone - doesn't exactly scream "I'm ready to be the father of your child!", but she's too blinded by lust to see straight anyway. (He was the only one who didn't get offered the fantasy suite because she didn't trust herself with him! SCANDALS.)

And Jef seems super nervous to meet and impress little Ricki. Dude - she's 6. Bring her some candy and you're IN.

But back to the Curacao dates for a minute - we FINALLY have a helicopter ride! Is that the first time this season? I really don't understand the point - they can't even hear each other talk. Not the best date idea.
And why Emily is terrified of sweet dolphins, I don't know. Hasn't Ricki watched "Flipper?" She also needs to beware the sun - girlfriend was looking tanner than normal.

But I'm sure Sean will bounce back - and we can find out for sure next week, in the always amusing Men Tell All episode. Yay.

No shirt, no shoes, no service

This was posted in my apartment elevator over the weekend. What I love most? The fact that people have been apparently roaming around in their bikinis (and god forbid, Speedos) so much that a notice had to be posted. And for once, I can guarantee that I am NOT GUILTY.

I mean.

I give you Barbie and the Rockers. I owned all five. The token dude is my favorite. Sigh.

Talk about being overdressed...

There is a guy at my gym who shows up at 5am in full work attire. Not work-OUT attire - work attire. Like a shirt, tie, pants, dress shoes...the whole 9 yards. And then by 5:15 he's in a tank top and bike shorts (ew) on a spin bike. My question - does he come from work? Or does he have some weird fetish about not wanting to get his clothes wrinkled, so he just wears them? I guess I need to figure out what he wears when he LEAVES the gym to solve this mystery.
Color me intrigued.

Tool cool for pool. Or not.

This was my apartment pool yesterday around 3:30pm. Holy hell - it looks like Spring Break down there.
I braved the pool scene around 10am yesterday morning, and most of the chairs had already been taken. But I found a group of 5 empty ones, so laid on one of the end chairs and promptly fell asleep. When I woke up about 30 minutes later, all the chairs around me were gone - people had moved them to be closer to their "friends." Talk about feeling like a loser - I quickly threw my stuff in my bag and hightailed it out of there. Judging by this photo, I think I made the right move.

It's a Saturday. It's a Sunday. It's a...Wednesday.

So bizarre to have a random Wednesday off in the middle of the week, but hey - I'll take it. Time for some pool time to celebrate my independence. Question: when is DEPENDENCE day? Because that sounds like something I could be interested in as well. Happy 4th!

"He's a mess. And he really likes stuffed animals."

I am of course quoting Emily on last night's Bachelorette - kudos to Sean and his family for pulling a practical joke and convincing her he still lived at home. And kudos to Emily for being so polite about it. Not sure what I would have done, to be honest...especially after seeing all the stuffed animals in his "room." But a small bone to pick with ABC - he's not from Dallas. Colleyville is not Dallas. (I don't actually know where Colleyville is. But it's not in Dallas.) As someone actually FROM Dallas, this annoys me.

Emily's style continues to surprise me - the random skull t-shirt was an odd choice. But she busted out the red pants for her Chicago hometown visit to see Chris and his Polish clan. And they were very Polish - complete with a possible polka at the end. Nothing particularly weird or interesting about this visit, except that her greeting to him ("Hey - what's going on?") was possibly foreshadowing. Not exactly lovey-dovey...even though Chris busted out the "I love you." Oof.

Then off to a ranch outside of Salt Lake City to hang with Jef and very possibly witness the first guy in skinny jeans and a bouffant hairdo to skeet shoot and ride in an ATV. Jef, you are a mystery. Just like the location of that second "F." I so want to skeet shoot. But I'm sure it would end with an injury to myself or others. Turns out lil prissy Emily can shoot like a man - which Jef finds totes hot. Then she meets his 5 brothers and sisters - hmmm...Salt Lake City...a billion siblings - Jef and fam are Mormon, no? His parents were oddly missing, doing "charity work," and his other siblings had all the letters in their names, but overall good times had by all. And we concluded with a sappy "I love you" letter from Jef. Sigh.

Next up: Scottsdale and Arie's Euro-licious family. They definitely have the most passionate of the relationships, but he still oogs me out for some reason. His Dutch parents are "different," he warns Emily - but really just rude, since they spoke in Dutch most of the time while she was there. Yeesh. The mother grills Em on what happened with Brad (since she watched the show), which is semi-awkward, but Emily breezes past and tells the mom how great his son is. Well-played.

Finally, we head to "Dallas" to meet Sean's family - anyone else think his mom and her teeth looked a lot like Emily? - who, aside from naming the tots weird things like Kensington and Smith (um, this is Colleyville, folks), seemed very nice and normal. And what a sense of humor! From the "I still live with my parents" shtick to the very end where they served grilled armadillo as a joke, I think these people are my faves by far.

Back in LA, Em has a decision to make - who gets the ax? Well, it's Chris of course. Time for ol' crazy-eyes to go. And trust me, I was afraid of the backlash. Would he throw himself on the ground and start writhing around? Start hitting himself in the face? Bawling? He actually kept it together somewhat, although he slammed the limo door pretty hard and confessed to being shocked and "a better guy than any of the dudes left in the house." Especially since she showed him he could love again. Um what? He is twenty-freaking-five. Oh, Chris. Go see a professional when you get back to Chicago. Please.

Next week: the final three hit Curacao. Might take me a few BLUE curacao drinks to get through it.

Simon! (NOT Cowell.)

Just bought Simon on Amazon.com. Who knew Simon was even still around?? I am stupid excited about getting this game - totally played it in the 80s.

Which now makes me want to buy ALL the games I played in the 80s: Connect Four, Hungry Hungry Hippos, Life, Sorry!, Chutes and Ladders...ah, good times before Nintendo changed everything.

Maybe it was the Pride bag

...but we had a funny encounter on Saturday at the beach. Okay, the "beach." A.k.a. Lake Ray Roberts, about an hour outside of Dallas, which has a man-made beach. Granted the sand was pretty rocky and reminded me of a playground, but it was sand. And water. And dammit it was fun.

So back to the encounter: these two guys were sitting behind us at a picnic table in the shade. Actually, they were men. One was probably in his 50s, the other in his 60s. They had fins, a picnic lunch complete with healthy snacks (because they asked what we brought in case a trade was in order), and when one started swimming out to the buoys, he yelled to his buddy "If I have a heart attack, you can have everything I own!" Which therefore led my friend and I to think they might be gay.

But about an hour later, we all found ourselves in the lake together and they started chatting with us. From out of nowhere, the older guy yelled "And we're NOT gay!" Ha. I responded with a "Neither are we!" And everyone had a good laugh. Reminded me of my sweet Nana, telling people I wasn't gay at my brother's wedding. I guess sometimes you just need to remind everyone.
(Not that there's anything wrong with that.)