A tailor/magician, a knight in shining armor, and a guy with no shirt walk into a bar...

Tales from my NYC trip will have to wait - the Bachelorette is back!! And oh, how awkward it was.

We open with a cheesy montage of Des in Santa Monica - Rollerblading (?!), trying on lame pink cowboy hats (?!), and driving a super-cool light blue convertible Bentley without a hair out of place (?!). She grew up poor, she's Cinderella, she's ready for love, blah blah bring on the dudes.

I couldn't keep track of order of appearance, so here they are, alphabetically:

Ben: the cute dad from Dallas who gains an unfair advantage (and the first rose) by having his adorable son pop out of the limo in a tiny suit with a flower. All together now: awwwwwww.

Brad: No clue who this is. Rose.

Brandon: Rode up on a motorcycle, has had a tough life with no dad and an addict mom. Apparently Des likes that, because Rose.

Brian: Again, can't remember this guy. Rose.

Brooks: Shaggy hair, seems to get hotter as the season progresses. Rose.

Bryden: Iraq veteran with an unfortunate Ceasar haircut. Rose.

Chris: Cute but bland. Rose.

Dan: Cute - immediately thought "Dan and Des" sounded good together. Rose.

Diogo: Arrived in a full suit of armor. I couldn't stop wondering how hot he must have been inside that thing. No rose.

Drew: Seems a little effeminate to me...rose.

James: Huge neck and lots of hair gel. Seems to be the villain in future eps. Rose.

Jonathan: Hickory, NC in the house! But not for long - his repeated attempts to get Des alone in a "fantasy suite" resulted in him getting the boot before the rose ceremony.

Juan Pablo: Former pro soccer player from Venezuela with a hot accent. I couldn't help thinking of the movie "Alive," but I know that was Chile. Rose.

Kasey: The hashtag guy. Literally speaks in hashtags. Here's one for you, Kasey: #youareatool. Rose.

Larry: ER Doc who tried to dance with Des and made her trip (and possibly rip?) on her dress. Then had a creepy one-on-one where he kept putting his glasses on and off. No rose.

Micah: Arrived in a homemade (and hideous) jacket. No rose.

Michael G: Looks like James Marsden to me. Federal prosecutor. Rose.

Mike R: Dental student who wore his white lab coat to meet Des. Felt particularly bad for the poor girl with braces who was featured in his intro video. No rose.

Mikey T: Aside from groaning when he said his name was Mikey, I don't remember him. Rose.

Nick M: Read an embarrassing poem to her upon getting out of the limo. Did have some funny things to say about magic in the closing credits. Rose.

Nick R: Tailor/magician. So many magic tricks. Like making Des disappear (by walking her into another room). Magic is dumb. No rose.

Robert: Claims he founded the spinning sign. Doubtful. Rose.

Will: Token African-American who likes to give high fives. Rose.

Zack K: Wore a tux and Converse sneaks. Rose.

Zak W: Really tan. Shirtless (and even pantless) for most of the night. Rose.


Looks like another thrilling season of fisticuffs, tears, ex-girlfriends, and crazy trips. Bring it.