Bachelorette recap: Dip, Dive, Dodge, Duck, Douche.

The latest two-hour timesuck that is the Bachelorette begins with everyone's favorite pastime: no, not baseball - DODGEBALL. That's right - group date #1 pits the boys against each other, and the guys are ready for action. Although I can't help but wonder why none of them is mentioning their teeny tiny shorts (or sweatbands, tank tops and knee socks, for that matter). Des finally giggles about their shorts, so I am somewhat satisfied.

Brooks breaks a finger playing "the ball" - which actually seems pretty gruesome and a real injury (unlike Tierra's faking last season) - and is escorted off to the ER, where we are blessed (or cursed) with some shots of him with legs sprawled, still in the short-shorts. The blue team pulls out the victory, but not without every possible "balls" phrase being tossed around (see what I did there?) - "balls were whizzing by me," "it was balls to the wall," etc. Sigh.

Similar to last season, Des decides not to reward the winners at all, letting the losing red team come along to date part deux as well. Lame. Brooks returns, still in the damn short-shorts. (Seriously, guy - you couldn't have at least removed the sweatband?) But Des must like the 70s look, because they have a makeout sesh. (NOTE: Making out seems to be a recurring theme in this episode. Atta girl.)

Brad (who?) pulls her aside and reveal HIS sob story: he's a single dad and his ex stole his car but yet the cops arrested him for domestic violence. And something about a restraining order...red flag! Abort! Abort!

Chris gets the group date rose for "stumbling upon" the amazing rooftop of the building for their one-on-one. (Um, don't you mean the producers told you where to go? How dumb do they think we are?!)

The next day, Des seems to be writing in the old journal shirtless Zak gave her. She also doesn't seem to be wearing any pants. (At second glance, they are peach skinny jeans. But she looks naked.) Before her one-on-one date with Kasey, Chris Harrison gives her a call on the Bach-phone. (Not unlike the Batphone.) There's a problem. Uh oh.

Turns out Brian (who?) was not entirely truthful - he has a girlfriend back home. A single mother girlfriend, to make things worse. And guess what? She's here! A very loud and uncomfortable discussion ensues between Brian, his girlfriend, Des and Chris Harrison, trying unsuccessfully to referee the situation. Brian tries to defend himself, but it doesn't matter - Des wants him gone. He is escorted out by a giant security dude named Pauly. I did enjoy that the girlfriend got to leave in a limo, while Brian had to ride in the van. Ha.

Des pulls up her naked pants and heads out for the most uncomfortable date ever with Kasey. From dancing on the side of a building, aka "bandaloop" (badly) to getting windblown on the roof to kissing in the pools with towels over their heads (?!), there didn't seem to be any chemistry at all. And yet...rose.

The last group date is brought to you by Disney's The Lone Ranger, opening in theaters July 3! That's right, boys - you will get cowboy lessons from the stunt team in the movie! They don their cowboy duds (and Dan splits his pants!), learn to lasso, shot fake guns, and throw fake punches. Fun times. Juan Pablo (who is redonk hot, btw) gets it done en espanol, and wins one-on-one time with Des. Which equates to watching The Lone Ranger (starring Army Hammer and Johnny Depp, coming soon!) in a barn. JP, smart hombre that he is, decides that a makeout sesh is better than the movie.

Another makeout sesh follows (in a tree) with Bryden, who is never man enough to make the first move.

But somehow he doesn't get the rose - that instead goes to big-neck James, because his father is sick (sob story!) and he doesn't know if he has a shot. Rose.

Des decides to bypass the cocktail party with...a pool party! The majority of which is spent in a hot tub big enough for all the dudes and her. Not bad, gotta say. But before the party can start, Ben pulls a...Ben and makes her take him for a drive. Sneaky bastard continues to tell all the guys he hasn't had any time with her, even though some of them saw them making out in the Bentley. Ohhhh snap. Mikey is so distraught, I'm starting to wonder if he likes Ben. I mean seriously guy. Get a grip and go talk to Des, not Ben.

Brandon pulls Des aside to tell her he's in love with her. And of course more sob stories about his mom bringing home different guys (um, hey hoochie mom) and the guys always ended up leaving. This will not end well for Brandon, who has to tell Des a "secret" and plants one on her. I may have cringed.

Finally, it's rose ceremony time. Des is wearing a bright blue dress of her own design (thanks, People.com), and gives the boot to Dan and Brandon. WTF on kicking out Dan?? Mikey should have been a goner. I liked Dan. Boo. And poor Brandon just couldn't deal. Someone left him again. He also couldn't cry - he was "all out of tears." Ohhhhh no.

Next week: Atlantic City and the Big Bad Ben. Bring it.