Bachelor in Paradise recap: An alien wedding

In another scene straight out of Friends, we open with the girls frolicking in the ocean. Until Juelia gets stung by a jellyfish. And thanks to Friends, we all know someone has to pee on the sting to get the pain to go away. So a brave (and apparently thirsty) Tenley agrees to take one for the team. Good times in Paradise, people.

Carly's plan to distract Dan from liking Sam by instead liking Chelsie, but she opts to ask Nick on the date instead. He accepts, and then opts to "break up" with Ashley S by telling her she smells like a brewery. Yay. Chelsie and Nick are on a boat - but Nick doesn't feel the romantic spark, and instead talks about his textual relations with Sam. Yay again.

Back on shore, Dan tries to show how much he and Sam have in common. I mean, they both like white rice. Match made in heaven, much??

Mackenzie from Chris' season arrives, dumber than ever, and tries to figure out what her date card means: "Pick a man you see a future with." She decides it must be about aliens, because she believes in them. (As well as mermaids, but that's a tougher date.) She picks Justin, which pisses Amber off. Not sure why, since she only gave him her rose as a default, but I guess when you want to stay in Paradise, any fresh blood that poses a threat can be disheartening. Mac and Justin are both parents (which is terrifying, after listening to Mackenzie talk), so she is excited about this "futuristic" date. Which turns out to be a wedding. THEIR wedding. All en espanol, which neither of them understand ("ropa" is clothes, doofuses! not rope!), but at least Justin gets that "circulo" is "circle." At one point Mac wonders if she is about to be sacrificed. "Because I'm definitely not a virgin." Hey-oh! My favorite part: at the end of the ceremony when the shaman says "Felicidades" (congratulations), and Mackenzie responds with "Como esta?" BRILLIANT. She thinks they are legit married, which is highly concerning to Justin, realizing the very brief honeymoon period is now over.

Jaclyn from Ben's season arrives, with a new platinum 'do, a short onesie and an attitude. She doesn't know any of these people, therefore she doesn't care about them. Relationships? Screw it - these guys are probably sick of these women, and could use a breath of fresh air. She narrows in on Jared, but just as she's about to use her date card on him, Ashley I swoops in with a date card of her own, an overnight fantasy suite date card courtesy of Chris Harrison. (So wait - all a girl has to do to get a date is ask Chris? Good to know.)

Ashley I and her fake hair extensions are ready to give up the v-card. Sadly she thinks it's her only way of getting to stay in Paradise. (Not the best reason to have sex, kiddies.) But will Jared take it? STAY TUNED...