Yo MTV Raps

I am so excited about the new MTV Classic channel launching Monday (35th anniversary of the start of MTV! I am ANCIENT!). Cribs! Pimp My Ride! TRL (actual music videos??)! Real World (90s seasons)! Laguna Beach! And here are a few more I'm hoping to see:


My Super Sweet 16
Sorority Life/Fraternity Life
The Osbournes
Newlyweds
Singled Out
MTV Spring Break
Diary ("you think you know, but you have no idea")
Remote Control


GAH. Excitement.

50 shades of blah

I watched "50 Shades of Grey" this weekend. I read the book (only the first one), and it was fine (although I was too embarrassed to buy the actual book so it's just an eBook on my iPad). The movie, however, just didn't do it for me. Laughable, actually. And thank goodness I watched it alone in the comfort of my home - can't imagine watching in a theater full of people. Yikes.

Bachelorette recap: The Chad Tells All

Yes, I know it's The Men Tell All. But it was such a boring two-hour Chad-fest that I really don't have much to add here. The gist:


All the dudes are on stage except Chad, because he gets to make a special entrance. Why ABC continues to give this guy attention for being a total douche is beyond me. But back to the guys - thankfully Nick S is in normal clothes, not a Santa suit, but the Chinese-Scotsman is wearing the kilt again. For a second I thought someone was cold and had a plaid blanket over their legs. Wrong.


Chad comes in and takes a seat in the hot seat. He regrets nothing and thinks the other guys are a dumb frat and he was the only one to see things as they really were. After a slo-mo replay of the scene where he ripped Evan's shirt, it did seem like Evan lightly pushed him. Methinks Chad played it up a bit more than it actually needed to be ("I almost fell down!"), but that's just Chad being Chad.


Luke was up next, and seemed genuinely heartbroken about what happened with JoJo. When she came out later, he asked if he had said the L word earlier, would it have kept him around? She hemmed and hawed but eventually it sounded like yes, yes it would have.


Last in the hot seat was Chase, who admitted he still had love for JoJo, and wondered why would she invite him to the fantasy suite just to break up with him. (Valid point.) She told him none of it was pre-meditated and she just went with her gut reaction, hoping dumping him in the evening would be better than dumping him the morning after (valid point). Still think it's Chase or Luke for the next Bachelor, and either one is AOK in my book.


The best part for me unfortunately came from Chad, who told JoJo he wished her luck on her romantic endeavors, since Robby clearly broke up with his girlfriend to go on the show and Jordan was a cheater and liar who couldn't even get along with his brother. Oooooh burn. JoJo, retorted "why give him attention? That's what he wants. I won't dignify that with a response." Meaning she didn't have one.


So basically the sun rises and sets with Chad, who we are still not rid of, as he will appear on Bachelor in Paradise. For the love of god. And to those people in the audience with "Chadchelor" t-shirts on? I wouldn't hold your breath.

Bachelorette recap: Fantasy not-so-suite

JoJo is weeping in a fetal ball outside the private airplane hanger, but somehow pulls it together enough to send Luke home (and miraculously doesn't look like she has shed a tear). Luke is shocked and thought she knew how he felt. Girls don't have ESP, fellas. The floral heart was a lovely touch back in Burnet, but you gotta SAY IT. And not right before you feel you might get cut.


The lucky three remaining lookalike dudes - seriously, they could be triplets - jet off to sweaty Thailand for dates and fantasy suite nights with JoJo. Robby is up first, and he is so in love that he calls her Joelle. Ooh, fancy. I still truly believe this guy is gay, but JoJo is in love with him (although she doesn't tell HIM that - she learned her lesson from Ben!). He gladly accepts the fantasy suite date card and they may or may not stay up all night talking. Just saying.


Up next is Jordan, and JoJo has strong feelings for him but wonders if he's too good to be true. (Answer: probably.) Will she get her heart broken? (Probably again.) Screw it - he's hot and has close ties to famous people. It's worth a sweaty hike and a trek into a cave that houses a temple (read: no kissing). They make up for it in the fantasy suite, and JoJo admits (again, to camera) that she's in love with him, too! Oh, the irony. In love with two guys. Just as Ben was in love with two women. This show does crazy things to people, no?


JoJo hopes she doesn't fall in love with a third guy before her date with Chase, but they have a blast talking monkeys and fishermen (okay, Chase talks about that stuff). Chase is nervous to say "I love you," but once safely inside the fantasy suite he opens up about his true feelings, admitting he has never said it first before. Bless him. And suddenly JoJo looks ill and excuses herself to go outside. This can't be good. And it's not - she tells Chase she doesn't see herself feeling the same way, and it wouldn't be nice to spend the night with him and then dump him, so why not just dump him now. Chase is rightfully pissed, and impresses me by not taking her crap. He says he can't believe she let him into the fantasy suite just to "get the f$#& out," and he took a great risk/leapt a big hurdle just to get skewered and shattered for it. (YOU CALL ME, CHASE.) She doesn't want him to leave like this, but he's like "what do you want me to say?" Cracks open a Thai beer and hopes into the exit minivan. Adding, "Well, that sucked." Brilliant.


At the rose ceremony, there's clearly a male dress code of khakis and blue button-downs. Make that cropped khakis. What the hell was happening with Jordan's pant/ladylike sandal combo??

JoJo appears, announcing that she let Chase go, but what do you know - he shows up! Atta way, producers. He pulls her aside to apologize for ending it the way he did, and he's proud of her (??) and has a lot of love for her. I feel this could be an excellent stumping speech to be the next Bachelor, but whatever. Back to two, and Robby and Jordan both accept their roses (obvi) and get geared up to meet JoJo's family. Here's hoping her mom swigs wine from the bottle again...

This is what happens when you go out without makeup

You know when you get hit on in line at Racetrac (they have awesome frozen yogurt, don't judge) that you're really doing something right in your life. Especially when said suitor has an unlit joint in one hand (he blamed it on the recent passing of his mother). Check please.

Smoothie king? Smoothie QUEEN.

I have become obsessed with making smoothies. Not sure why it took me so long, since they take a total of about 3 minutes, but man. Loving them. Even whipped one up to take with me to work this morning. Healthy AND portable? Where do I sign up? I'm sure there are lots more flavors and fancy things I could add, but I'm starting small. Bananas and peaches. Done and done.


#readyforroundtwo

Start popping the popcorn...

Somehow I'm now getting HBO, and I'm maximizing my efforts until they realize it's a mistake. Recording as many movies as I have room for on my DVR. Everything from oldies (Ghost, Four Weddings and a Funeral, The Great Outdoors) to newbies (Fifty Shade of Grey - sorry). Guess that's what I'll be doing this weekend...

One and done

Made the mistake of posting something political on Facebook yesterday. Big mistake. Huge. (RIP, Gary Marshall.) I thought it was innocent enough, but then my friends starting debating in the comments and I just got so stressed out every time I saw a little FB notification on my phone, I had to delete the post entirely. (Did manage to unfollow a few peeps on the way out though.) So apologies if I offended anyone, and I have learned my lesson. NEVER AGAIN.

Bachelorette recap: You CAN go home again

Four hometown dates, four very similar looking dudes, four tiny shorts for JoJo to wear!
We start in Highlands Ranch, Colorado to meet Chase and his family. Chase is nervous about his parents' ugly divorce, but JoJo is cool with it and they meet his father and later his mom/stepfather/sister/brother-in-law/and cute baby nephew with a mustache pacifier. (YES!) I like Chase, but just don't feel like he's in the same place with JoJo as the other guys. Guess we shall see.


Next up: Chico, California with Jordan (NOT AARON) Rodgers. JoJo brings Aaron's name up to everyone - Jordan, Jordan's brother Luke, Jordan's father - it's getting a bit sad at this point. We know you want to be famous. Give it up. Still think there's something odd in the brothers' relationship, but maybe they're just jealous. Jordan's mom can tell he's all lit up inside, and the idea of an engagement excites her.


On to Florida to meet Robby's family - complete with two sisters and two brothers. Everyone loves JoJo, but she's concerned about how recently he broke up with his ex - is he ready to get engaged? Then Robby learns that his ex's roommate has been telling the tabloids that he dumped his ex to go on the show. He is very upset by this, and tells JoJo that it's 100% not true. She looks dubious as she downs her chardonnay.


Finally, we head to Burnet, Texas with Luke, and he has gathered the entire town 50 of his closest friends and family to celebrate and meet his woman. JoJo arrives wearing the cowboy boots he brought her, and it's a very sweet Texas day. Luke and his father have a teary chat which is adorable, and at the end of the day Luke walks her down a lit path to a heart made of flowers where he intends to tell her he loves her but instead says "you have my heart."


Clearly this isn't quite good enough, because at the rose ceremony JoJo is distraught but tells the camera she is going to let Luke go. Luke must sense the force, asking to talk to her outside and telling her he's in love. PHEW! That was a close one. But this news sets JoJo on a tailspin and she crouches on the ground of a private airport runway in a long blue sequin gown. Where the heck is Chris Harrison? He can't give her a chair? Or a hanky?


To Be Continued!!!

Get off my lawn!

This morning my nosy across the street neighbor came over to tell me that she took the liberty of tying a blue ribbon around my tree. Now, I support the police. But I find it very presumptuous that she assumed I would want to publicly display this support. I wouldn't even put a campaign sign in my yard - just not me. Plus, it's not like she put ribbons on all the trees on the street - just hers and mine. And now what am I supposed to do - I can't exactly take the ribbon down. That would look bad. At least she could have ASKED first...sheesh.


#neighbors #amiright

Would you Rather

Heard Dan Rather on Sirius XM this morning, and it was so reassuring. Like hearing your grandfather or something. I mean, I grew up with him on the news (and Tom Brokaw and Peter Jennings, RIP). And the man has still got it - at 84(!) years old. He plans on going to the Republican and Democratic National Conventions, and had commentary about Donald Trump while in the next breath relayed a super interesting story about the Democratic Convention of 1960. What an amazing life. Seriously.

Now fetch me my slippers

Our company is in talks with this new service that brings gas to your car and fills it up for you. Which is awesome. Especially if you roll to work on fumes. But begs the question, how lazy have we become? You can't even drive half a mile to a convenience store to put gas in your car? We have also found mobile car wash units and even mobile barbershops. I may never have to leave the office again. And I blame millennials for this. #kidding #kindof

At least I could get a bunny. Is that asking too much?

I harvested (read: mostly pulled up by the roots) lettuce out of my garden yesterday and had a delicious, home-grown salad. A squash is actually growing in there, as well. So that makes one tiny zucchini, two bowls of lettuce and an unripened squash after four months of effort. Sounds about right. #greenmiddlefinger

Bacehelorette recap: #gauchopants

We're still in Argentina, which the producers keep reminding us about by constantly showing horses and wine. Nothing wrong with that. Tiny Alex gets the first one-on-one date, and everyone is relieved because maybe now he'll stop bitching about never having a one-on-one date. He and JoJo ride to an estancia together, and he shows off an embarrassing rap about her. Not to be undone, the other five guys are in a bus and perform a clearly well-rehearsed little ditty of their own. What is this - Bachelorette: The Musical? Leave the hip hop to Hamilton, boys. Alex dons the official gaucho outfit, complete with French beret (?), while JoJo gets to just wear normal Ralph Lauren ad-type clothing. They ride horses and get to know each other better, and on their first date Alex decides to tell her he's in love. Alrighty. JoJo is uncomfortable. No one makes JoJo uncomfortable. No rose for Alex. He's probably regretting whining about a one-on-one date now...


The next one-on-one goes to Jordan (of course). They stomp grapes with their bare feet and then proceed to drink what they have just made. I may have gagged. Although (toe) cheese and wine do go together...Clearly fishing, JoJo asks Jordan who she could expect to meet on hometowns next week. He admits that his middle brother will not be there. JoJo: "And that's...Aaron?" DUH. You know it's Aaron Rodgers. And you know you are totally bummed out. No Aaron? No Olivia Munn? No Hollywood connections?? I truly could see her disappointment as he explained they were not close and he didn't like Aaron's lifestyle. This conversation will not help patch up the relationship in the future, that's for sure. But Jordan admits to being in love, and this time JoJo is happy.


The group date - James Taylor, Chase and Robby - becomes a slumber party date when the rain cancels plans. After a massage train and a rousing game of truth or dare involving Robby streaking down the hall in his skivvies, they settle in to watch - The Bachelor: Argentina. Because why not.  James takes this opportunity to tell JoJo that Robby looks at all other attractive women - "Wandering Eye Robby," they call him - which Robby vehemently denies. James then opens up that  he's fallen for JoJo, but he knows he's no frontrunner. Guess he's right - Robby gets the rose.


The final date with Luke involves more horses, plus skeet-shooting. I feel like Luke and Jordan's dates are catered to them and their strong suits. Whatever. JoJo actually does pretty well shooting (hey Texas), and Luke tells her how excited he would be to bring her home. He doesn't have a five-year plan, but if he's with her, he'll be fine. She swoons.


No rose ceremony - which makes Chase and James very nervous. And they should be - James gets the boot. JoJo cries, he cries, I almost cry. Sweet lil James Taylor. He's seen fire AND rain, amiright?


Next week: hometown dates! We're nearing the end, people! Which means Bachelor in Paradise is right around the corner!

Sea minus

Who manages to get seasick on a lake? I do. Went kayaking for my birthday yesterday, and it was just lovely, but the wind made it a bit rocky on the lake and I was struggling to keep my breakfast down. Plus the fact that my arms were on fire from the rowing - guess I can't add Olympic Kayaker to my resume any time soon. I was very glad to be back on shore 45 minutes later. And then headed to the pool which was much safer for everyone involved.

Does the H in HOV stand for Hell?

I'm not a fan of the HOV lane. First of all, I am always driving alone so can't use it, but I'm always scared there will be an accident. And then what do you do? I know those barriers can be driven through, but that seems bad for the car. So you just back the hell up? I accidentally found myself driving (illegally) in the HOV lane last weekend, and it was the exact nightmare I envisioned - I couldn't get out! I had to drive like 20 miles out of the way because I was too afraid to drive over the barriers and there was no exit! Total blonde moment. And total disaster.

Buffy? Mitzy? Let's meet at the club.

There's a country club right behind my house, and it turns out if you don't need the golf part of the membership, it's not that much to join. So I'm doing it. Or trying to do it - the application process is like getting into college! I need letters of recommendation. Pay stubs. A sponsor. A photo of myself. Honestly surprised there's no essay portion. Or maybe it's given out in the oral interview. Please pick me. I really want to use the pool.

There's always room for jell-o

Went to the Fraternal Order of Eagles (FOE) pool on Sunday. I've only been there once before, but now it's so close to my house that I think it's going to become my new "spot." $8 to get in, and they serve cheap drinks (jell-o shots!) and food once inside. It's family-friendly, but most people were over 30 and heavily tattooed. It's been called a "hipster's country club," and that's a pretty fair description. Going back Sunday for my birthday to see what the crowd is like NOT on a holiday weekend. Expecting more of the same. And I dig it.

One man's trash...

I guess I should take it as a compliment that when I put out items for bulk trash, they are picked up in less than an hour. And not by the bulk trash people, mind you. By neighbors. Can't wait to see what they'd do if I had a garage sale.

Torched

I'm as big of an Olympics fan as the next guy (well, Summer Olympics at least), but I can't help feeling like the Rio games are going to be an unmitigated disaster of epic proportions. Like worse than Sochi. (And THAT'S bad.) From the hazardous waste in the water to the jaguar mascot who broke loose and had to be shot to the lack of hospitals and emergency workers to Zika to the latest: body parts found on the beach next to the volleyball arena, I'm just not getting a good vibe here. Call me crazy.


#dallas2080