Instafamous

I swear I'm on Instagram for the celebrity pics. And none better than Halloween.

Gwyneth as, well Gwyneth's head in Se7en:

Dwayne Wade and Gabrielle Union as Milli Vanilli:

Jessica Alba as Juno:

Kristen Bell as Elsa:

Good times. Thanks, Instagram.

Blessed be the candy.

Yep, Handmaid's Tale costume this year. Well technically a red graduation gown and a piece of posterboard, but you get the gist.

Doubt I'll win the costume contest (esp considering people thing I'm Little Red Riding Hood), but hey. A for effort.

Home Improvement

The work is finally done on the house. The garage room looks awesome, and now the car port is up and running too!

Kind of weird that the backyard just feeds into the "garage," but it certainly opens up the yard. And we added a garage door so feel secure and kind of like I live in a compound. In a good way.

Oh rats

Got a terrifying text from my mom yesterday: "Is this a rat?" With an attached photo. Nervous, I opened it:

Hey little guy! I said mouse, but my mom's boyfriend says it's a kangaroo rat, and I guess he would know, being all science-y. Still - cute! My mom said he seemed injured and what should she do with it. I had no idea, but that was soon followed by a "he's dead" text. RIP. But then when I got home he was miraculously still alive, but seemed to have something wrong with him (wasn't moving much). And my mom has named him Timothy. Great. Hard to dispose of a rodent named Timothy. We were afraid a hawk (or a cat or my dog) would get to him, so my mom covered him up with a box. Not sure what the plan is at this point for Tiny Tim, but I doubt I will be adding a new pet to the current zoo that is my house. Sorry buddy.

UPDATE: perhaps the box idea was a bad one - Timmy did not survive. Now comes the fun game of who gets to scoop him up to dispose of him?? #notme

Yes, Empire STRIKES Back has already been done

We have an annual bowling tournament at work, and I always have to captain a team because not enough people sign up. The biggest job of captain: coming up with a team name. My previous teams have included the Bowlerinas and Stars and Strikes. Here are my thoughts for this year:

Pin cushions (just bring a pillow. My pregnant self likes this one best)
Safety pins (wear orange vests and hard hats) - will probably go with this one as it's unisex
Devil Spares Prada (wear devil horns)
Britney Spares (all facets of Britney)
Spared by the Bell (spin-off of Saved by the Bell, obvi)

My job is weird.

Penny Pincher

Nothing thrills me like a good sale. So imagine my delight when I found a skirt that originally cost $1195 (which is ludicrous btw, especially for a brand I have never heard of), marked down to $120. And of course I had to buy it. BECAUSE #SAVINGS.

#metoo...soon?

Saw this while driving to work today:

Is it just me, or is this fairly offensive? Especially with the wave of #metoo posts this week regarding sexual harassment and assault.

I am a "me too" too. I'm sure there have been instances of harassment over the years (and sadly, I like most women just shrug them off and move on), but in my case it was assault. I was a senior in high school and went to visit my parents' alma mater for a college visit. Stayed with a girl who graduated the year before me, and we went out with a bunch of her friends (many guys on the football team included). There was drinking involved, and we went back to the dorm to crash. I had my own room which adjoined with my friend's via a shared bathroom. At some point one of the football players came into my room (not sure how) and climbed on top of me. He was kissing me and touching me. I just pretended to be asleep/passed out, because I didn't know what to do and he was much bigger than me. He eventually got angry and starting shaking my shoulders to get me to wake up. I was truly convinced I was going to be raped, but I kept my eyes squeezed shut. Luckily he gave up and passed out - in my bed. I moved right up against the wall and didn't sleep all night. I crept out of the room at 5am and sat outside on the steps with my suitcase until my dad came to get me.

I honestly had forgotten about this story until the Trump harassment allegations came to light last year, and it came searing back again this week. I know I'm one of the lucky ones - it could have been a lot worse - but it was fairly traumatic for my 17-year-old self. (Needless to say I did not apply to that college.)

Stay strong, ladies.

Best thing I've seen on the internet all month.

OMG I just love this. (And it really doesn't look like her.) Perhaps #freemelania worked??

Back in my day...

One of my co-workers' daughter wanted to interview me as a "professional" who had a "career" that she was interested in. (First of all, yay to be viewed as a professional at anything!) Of course, she's a millennial, so the interview was via Skype. Which technically I have on my laptop, but still. Can we not just use the phone, kids?? As if that doesn't make me sound old enough, she asked what programs I used most often at work. To which I answered Microsoft Paint. That's right, youngsters. I don't understand Photoshop so it's Paint all day. What.

Top Chef (or Toe Chef, as the case may be)

Y'all I totally cooked on Saturday. Made paella (enough to feed a small army) and whipped up these peanut butter-cornflake balls that I used to eat when I was like 5. Only a slight burn on my toe (yes, I was literally barefoot and pregnant) and paella for days!

#domesticated

Only thing missing: the baby. (And probably a bunch of other crap I haven't thought about)

My dad drove the baby furniture down on Thursday - it was more massive than I thought it would be, but sure has held up well after 25 years and 5-6 babies. Had to move the bookcase into my mom's room, but we were able to squeeze in (and set up!) the crib, changing table (which apparently also turns into a huge bookcase), glider and ottoman into the nursery. Which actually looks like a nursery now. The coolest part? My stepmom told me the glider/ottoman were beige, but turns out someone recovered them (or they are caked in years of baby vomit), because they are pale green. The EXACT color of the wall. Crazy, no??

LOL BRB

What is it with kids today and having to abbreviate everything? Latest victim: Homecoming is now "HOCO." And a Homecoming Proposal (like a promposal, apparently) is a "HOCOPRO." Seriously? YOLO I guess.

zzzzzzz

Literally zero sleep last night. Like ZERO MINUTES. Huge work thing today and I'm super stressed. If this causes me to go into early labor I will not be amused. But maybe then I could at least get some drugs and get some sleep...

via GIPHY

I feel like I'm Amish

The good: DirecTV came out last week (twice, actually, since the first time they didn't have the right equipment) and upgraded all of my DVR boxes to wireless so I can watch TV on my elliptical in the new room.

The bad: when swapping out devices, I didn't realize this meant wiping clean all shows I had recorded. Like since last year. (Yes, I'm a bit behind - but I still had like 83% availability!) So sad. Guess I'll never know what happened in the last 5 episodes of How to Get Away with Murder. You know, unless I just log onto ABC (or Netflix) and actually watch them. But way more fun to bitch about it!!

So now I have to start over from scratch like some sort of newbie. Sigh. The struggle is real, folks.

Rated G for good god

My house was chaos this weekend. My brother, his wife, their 13-month-old and their dog all stayed with me. Plus my mom. And then her boyfriend and HIS dog came over. I was thisclose to checking into a hotel. But I guess the chaos is good for me and my OCD. A preview of what's to come, if you will. And with beef-a-roni handprints on my walls and every carefully folded onesie now thrown onto the floor, what a preview it was. Plus I saw how much child-proofing I still need to do...(a lot!)

Let's look at the big picture. And not my big butt.

So almost every morning now my mom tells me I need to change because I have the dreaded VPL (visible panty line). I mean. I'm wearing thongs - things just don't exactly fit like they used to. And also? I just don't CARE. Personally, I feel like it's better to have a VPL and prove you're actually wearing panties. Whatever. Bigger fish to fry, amiright?

Deeeeep breaths

It's hard to get good help these days. The security alarm guy never showed up or called (after my mom waited around all day for him) - luckily we were able to pop off a sensor and stick it on a new door, likely saving hundreds of dollars. And yesterday the cable guy came (at the very end of his four-hour window, of course) and didn't have the right equipment, even though it was very clear on the order what we needed. So they had to come back today. It's gotten to the point where if someone shows up when they're supposed to and actually gets the job done, it's like a miracle. When that is actually their job. But no - they can hold you hostage because you need TV/internet/alarm system, so whenever they show up and however much they charge is okay I guess.  ARGH.

Man this blog has turned into a rant-fest, hasn't it. Sorry guys. I'm getting angrier in my old age.

So twisted. Like a pretzel.

You know what is cruel and unusual punishment to someone on a gluten-free diet? (Particularly when that diet is self-imposed and not due to an actual gluten allergy...) Picking up 100 Wetzel's Pretzels soft pretzels in your car for a work event. If you have ever walked by an Auntie Anne's or a Wetzel's Pretzels in the mall, you know what I'm talking about. The smell is heavenly. Like if they could make "food court soft pretzel" scented candles I would be ALL OVER IT. Maybe just one wouldn't hurt...

A brief excerpt from Senator Stockton

Just heartbroken over Las Vegas. I think about how many outdoor concerts I go to at Starplex every year, and how if someone had the right vantage point (say, atop the covered seating area), people on the lawn (where I sit) would be sitting ducks. Terrifying thinking you can no longer go anywhere without having to look for the exits: movies, church, the mall, work, concert venues...

It's time for gun control. Prayers just aren't going to cut it anymore. Citizens don't need semi-automatic (or automatic, for that matter) weapons. It's just not okay. Although I guess if lawmakers didn't take action after Sandy Hook, they most likely never will. My new mantra: I HATE THE NRA.

Rant over. Just needed to get that off my chest. Kthanksbye.

I'm Gumby, dammit

Well, Charlie has adopted Gumby as her own. Which means I'm still sleepless on one side of the bed while she snores peacefully atop my pregnancy pillow. Sounds about right.