oh the humanity

NOT a good date, eharm. Not at all. He drives a 'Vette. We split the check. He is an adrenaline junkie who is obsessed with skydiving and racing cars and heavy metal music.
Just nope.

On to the next. Or not.

ahahahaha

This matchmaker either really feels bad for me or just wants me out of her database, because she's found me another one. He's 29, and said he's open to dating "older women - up to 33!" Whew. Just made the cut. Hilariousness. And of course I'll go, because what the hell else do I have to do. Maybe we can go somewhere for an early bird special. Being such an older woman and all. HA.

It's okay, Elizabeth. A lot of people don't know what "shallow" means

Which of course brings us to the Bachelor Pad recap.

1. Kiptyn's abs got an all-too brief shout-out (finally!).
2. Tenley seriously drives me crazy. Did anyone notice the freaking DEER that wandered by on her one-on-one date?! Disney animals unite!
3. She was also wearing like 5 different outfits when re-capping her date. Probably started crying all over herself and had to change clothes. Repeatedly. When she hit the fantasy suite and said she and Kip were taking their relationship to the next level, I thought, "and that next level is french kissing." Poor sweet virginal Tenley. Ugh.
4. Oh, Jesse B. I loved you, wife beater and all, until you started burping and picking your date's nose. Not cool, bro. Do these people FORGET they are on national television??
5. The name game at the beginning made me sad. Would I rather be called the dumbest or be labeled as the one with the worst boob job?! Natalie actually WANTED to be the dumb one. Heh. She is the queen of side hairdos, btw. Side ponytail? Check. Side braid? Check.
6. Elizabeth. Worst boob job and the most shallow. Ironic, no? (She doesn't know what shallow means. No way does she know the word "ironic.")
7. It's not "Chrissy Lee," boys. It's Krisily. I mean, either way is weird, but in respect to the one booted off, let's pronounce it correctly.
8. Kiptyn said he had never been in a helicopter before - doubtful. EVERY date on the Bachelor/Bachelorette involves a helicopter at some point. Admit it, dude.
9. I own the pink scarf Peyton was wearing. Shout-out.
10. Again - WHY is Melissa Rycroft there? She. Does. Nothing.

DWTS cast. I don't watch this show, and now that Bristol Palin is on? Definitely not. Although bring it, Jennifer Grey. Or the artist formerly known as Jennifer Grey.

Mugshot Hall of Fame

So. This is Paris's latest mugshot. And her facial expression is pretty much the same in her two (!) previous mugshots. She's getting flack for semi-smiling, but I'm sorry. If I ever get arrested (knock on wood), I know I would totally smile for the camera. Maybe even throw in a skinny arm.

Only in HP

Went to California Pizza Kitchen (Preston Center) to pick up a salad for dinner last night. As I was sitting in the little to-go waiting area, a nanny came in with two twin girls, who were probably 8. She was ordering a mountain of food, and the girls plopped down to play...on their iPADS. What the hell. I've only seen one from afar, and now third graders have them?!

Ah, Highland Park.

So very Elle Woods.

Feeling super Legally Blonde today.

Doesn't a George Foreman grill count as cooking?

Pizza date with my cousin went well - ended in a smooch - but I think he wants a Suzy Homemaker. Which I am not. He was shocked - SHOCKED! - to learn that I can't cook. Admitted he was a mama's boy. And has deer heads on the walls. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

And he had never heard anyone tell him about his CSI doppelganger! So I busted out my trusty smartphone and pulled up a pic of my cousin. (Told my mom this, and she said "Why do you have his picture on your phone?!" Um, Google.)

First "eh" date tomorrow night. Already pretty sure it will be a disaster. And I'm having to use "eh" as a code so their official spokesblogger doesn't comment again...shhhh