Phone-a-phobia

I have mentioned before how much of a "guy" I am when it comes to the phone - I really don't like talking on the phone, especially when in the beginning stages of getting to know someone. Just text me, man. I got a voicemail last night and it made me realize that my outgoing message is a bold-faced lie:

"Hey, it's Sarah. Sorry I missed your call, but leave me a message and I'll call you back!"

No, I probably won't. Wonder if I should re-record the truth:

"Hey, it's Sarah.  Sorry I missed your call, but why don't you shoot me a text and I'll text you back immediately!"

Sex, drugs and sleep

Tomorrow night my brother is playing guitar for one of his favorite bands, The Riverboat Gamblers. Their guitarist is out for a couple weeks, so they tapped my bro to play. It's all very "Rock Star." Also rock star? The fact that they don't go on until like 11pm. I promised I would go, but I wonder if it would be okay to wear my pajamas, since that is like way past my bedtime. Sooooo not a rock star.

Although if Pete Wentz does it, it must be okay.

Bachelor in Paradise: I'm still 80-40 on the whole thing.

(Yes, that's a shout-out to Lacy, who clearly doesn't understand ratios. Yay.)

Well, it's no rest for the weary - The Bachelorette is over and now straight onto Bachelor in Paradise (aka Tulum, Mexico). Which is basically a bunch of rejects from previous shows (some of whom I don't remember AT ALL) romping around in bikinis and Speedos (et tu, Marcus?!), getting a second shot at being a fame whore love.

The cast:

Clare (runner-up on Juan Pablo's season; has seemingly ditched the rectangle necklace but still appears crazy)

AshLee (third place on Sean's season; has the hots for Graham and still seems crazy)

Michelle K (Jake's season, I remember her being weird and semi-psycho and she still is)

Sarah (Sean's season, has one arm)

Michelle Money (Brad's season; Bachelor Pad)

Daniella (Sean's season)

Lacy (got the boot on night one of Juan Pablo's season, explaining why I had NO IDEA who she was. Yet neither did Clare, and they were on the same show...)

Elise (Juan Pablo's season)

Ben (Des' season; the bad guy with a son)

Robert (Des' season)

Graham (DeAnna's season; good NC boy; Bachelor Pad)

Marcus (Andi's season; still "heartbroken" but will still swim in his red skivvies)

Marquel (Andi's season)

Dylan (Andi's season; so glad he cut his hair)

The show centers around date cards, and each week the girls and guys will alternate offering up roses to their potential hook-ups mates. The girls outnumber the guys, so they know they'll be on the chopping block first. Which means they all start trying to pair off to get to stay another week. Except for Michelle K, who seems she really couldn't care less, and might not even be single in the first place. (?) Gotta hand it to Lacy, who romps in the ocean with not one but two guys on the first day (Robert and Marcus). Robert (who is shirtless almost immediately, btw) thinks she is really smart, god bless him.

Clare gets the first date card, and asks Graham to join her at the ruins. She had a dream about this, y'all! She's going to pose with her arms raised! She's in Clare-adise! #killme. But wait - AshLee likes Graham. And somehow after only having met him 24 hours before, she has dibs. So she's pissed that Clare asked and that Graham said yes (um, what was he supposed to say - no? It's a game, people), and starts badmouthing Clare all over the villa.

Clare is upset and cries to a friendly raccoon that she doesn't want the drama (or the fire ants)! You picked the wrong show, sweetie. So she apologizes to AshLee and offers to either give her the date or pick someone else to appease the beast. AshLee likes this idea, so Clare then invites Robert as her sloppy seconds. And he agrees. Sigh. Graham tries to talk to AshLee to figure out how he managed to piss someone off on day two, but she gives him a "talk to the hand" brush-off and he has only a late-arriving Michelle Money to turn to.

Clare and a once again shirtless Robert hike up the ruins so she can get her dream photo. Seems like a friend zone situation - fire ant bites are not sexy. Back at the villa, Sarah gets the next date card and invites Marcus. This frustrates Lacy, because both of her potential dudes are out on dates with other women. The horror! Sarah and Marcus bond by cliff-diving, and share a smooch. But Marcus still carries a torch for Andi Lacy...

Michelle Money (who brought 5 suitcases - my kind of girl!) gets another date card (good lord there are a lot of dates happening in 24 hours), and she opts to invite Marquel, since she and Graham didn't work out after dating on Bachelor Pad. Because that's a real-life situation that you should base relationships on. Huh. She and the cookie monster have a romantic horseback ride along the beach, and seem to have a good time with each other. I'm just happy to see Marquel's offbeat fashion sense still works in Paradise.

Yet another date card arrives for Lacy. And it's the moment of truth - will she pick Robert or Marcus? And why do I care? She opts for dinner and ocean smooching with Robert. And when I say "smooching," I mean legs wrapped around the guy like a damn octopus. Down, girl. Marcus is bummed - does this mean he should offer his rose to Sarah? For some reason when they say "offer his rose" I giggle. Sounds a bit dirty. Bygones.

It's rose ceremony time, and the girls are nervous. AshLee apologizes to Graham for being a psycho, Sarah asks Marcus point-blank if he will pick her, and Michelle Money prances around with a very fake-looking curly side pony. Does anyone tell her "you're so Money and you don't even know it?" I digress.

Before Marquel can offer his rose (ha), Michelle K interrupts with her standard crazy-eyes and says she's leaving. No one really cares, except the producer in the exit limo who asks what happened and she claims she's in love. He repeats the statement, wondering what the hell she's talking about, and she gives a knowing crazy-eye wink. Good grief.

Back to the ceremony. The matches are:

Marquel and Michelle Money
Graham and AshLee
Dylan and Elise
Marcus and Lacy (ooooooh poor Sarah)
Robert and Clare
Ben and Sarah

Which means Daniella is sent packing. And next week, two more arrive to mix and match and mate. Yesssss.

The story you are about to read is true.

I have had my fair share of horrible dating stories. From the guy who stood me up and simultaneously deleted his Tinder account so I couldn't contact him to the one who stood me up saying he had a concussion (seeing a common trend here...), there have been some real doozies. But I think this latest one takes the proverbial cake. Gather round, won't you?

Went on a date with a guy in early July. (The one who thought I had 150K blog readers, not 150, for those keeping track.) The date was fine - I could tell he was interested, since he sat on the same side of the booth (!), kept zoning out when I was talking and said he was distracted by my beauty, and even stayed an hour longer than he said he could (clearly had an emergency out should he need it).  He did tell me that, at 41, he had a 20-yr-old son (who after Facebook stalking I learned had his OWN baby, making this guy a grandfather, but whatev) and a 13-yr-old son, and asked point blank if I wanted kids. I said I did, and he said he waffled back and forth but felt he might like to have one more and do it right. (This will be important in a minute.)

The next day, he sent me the longest text ever, full of compliments and really flattering stuff. It was a little much since we had only had two drinks, but he seemed genuine and I was game. He invited me to go sailing on his catamaran that Sunday. Always believing I need more friends with boats, I agreed. He called me on my birthday, told me how romantic date #2 would be, that he was bringing sushi and wine, etc. Then Sunday morning he called to say he had to cancel because he got too sunburned the day before. Alrighty.

But to his credit, he continued to pursue me, asking me out on the boat for the following Sunday. Again, I agreed. He then texted me on Saturday to say that he really liked me and had been doing some soul-searching about having kids. He really wanted to buy a yacht and sail around the world, only returning to the US every 5 or 6 months - so kids didn't really fit into that picture. But he wanted a travel companion, and if I was still interested he would love to continue to see each other. Again, we had been out ONCE. I wrote back, saying not only did it not sound like there was room for kids, but there wasn't room for me, so I was out. He wrote back - did that not sound like an amazing plan? Yes it did (although I get seasick, so not really), but I didn't even know him and he would be asking me to give up everything and everyone I know. Pass.

Cut to this past Thursday (so approx two weeks later). I get a text from him, asking to please remind him why we stopped dating. He had been trying to remember for two days, and although he knew he liked me, he couldn't remember what ended things. (Again - we were NOT "dating!" ONE DATE.) I wrote back, saying the yachting life wasn't for me, plus the kid thing. This clearly jarred his memory, but he said I misunderstood and he wouldn't be on the boat forever - just for a little while. Oh, and he had been rethinking the kid thing and wanted a daughter. And would I like to come over and try for one. (Then said he was joking.) Ummm. So this guy has done a complete 360 (aka two 180s) since I met him. I don't have anything else going on, so I agreed to maybe go out again, give him another chance.

The next morning, I received this text verbatim:

"Sarah, I woke up feeling like I was leading you on last night. I think you're fantastic! If I wasn't in love with someone else I would be all over you!! Since you and I met, I met somebody and we saw each other non-stop for 4 days, then I majorly fucked up and she broke up with me. She was only the second woman who has broken up with me in my adult life, both times I deserved it. I'm still hung up on her right now. For fairness to myself and to others, I'm committed to not dating anyone right now. I did sincerely feel a connection with you and if you want to explore friendship, I would absolutely like that. And I'm not talking about "let's be friends" and never speak again. I mean, let's plan to go hang out. Sry for the long text."

Good LORD. Clearly this guy is insane, no? He met and fell in love with someone in the past two weeks, after seeing her a total of FOUR TIMES? (Obviously he has a different sense of time than everyone else, as well.) I wrote back "No thanks, you're confusing" and he responded "Fair enough."

And that is hopefully the end of that. #youcantmakethisshitup

Strip in the name of love

I will admit that I have seen a few episodes of "Dating Naked." The premise is pretty much right there in the name - a girl and a guy go on three naked dates on a seemingly desert island (which is probably Mexico), and then each selects the one they would like to see more of in the end. Not sure how much more you can see, though - they are completely naked! vH1 is apparently cool with showing bare butts, but thankfully everything else is blurred out. Making things even more awkward? They have activities on these dates. Naked. Everything from horseback riding to paddle boarding to painting to ziplining. Reminds me of the Seinfeld episode about good naked versus bad naked. This is a lot of bad naked. Yet sadly, I keep coming back to the trainwreck every week.

Sidebar: I hope they promote that you can watch full (frontal) episodes online. Because nude jokes are always funny.

There's no crying in baseball, but there ARE compliments

Played on the work softball team last night and got two really solid base hits - both went over the infielders' heads into the outfield. (My throwing could use quite a bit of work, however.) The shortstop on the other team was cute and complimented me on the first hit, which almost knocked his glove off. Then when giving the "good game" high fives to the other team at the end of the game, he said, "Good game, Rod Carew!" I said thank you, but honestly have no idea who that is. Actually, the only reason I have even heard the name is from Adam Sandler's Hanukkah Song ("Hall of Famer Rod Carew - he converted"). I assume being compared to a major leaguer is nice, but compliments are better when you understand them. Then later the guy took off his baseball glove and of course he's married. FML, Rod Carew. Whoever you are.

Might need to take a mulligan

That time you get off your apartment building elevator into the parking garage, and realize you never noticed that the walls of the garage were painted red. Then you walk to your parking space, and although your car is red and the car in the space is red, it is not your car. At first you think you are having a mini stroke, but then realize you got off one floor too soon. YOUR floor is painted green, and YOUR car is in YOUR spot. You then realize it's going to be a very long day.