I have had my fair share of horrible dating stories. From the guy who stood me up and simultaneously deleted his Tinder account so I couldn't contact him to the one who stood me up saying he had a concussion (seeing a common trend here...), there have been some real doozies. But I think this latest one takes the proverbial cake. Gather round, won't you?
Went on a date with a guy in early July. (The one who thought I had 150K blog readers, not 150, for those keeping track.) The date was fine - I could tell he was interested, since he sat on the same side of the booth (!), kept zoning out when I was talking and said he was distracted by my beauty, and even stayed an hour longer than he said he could (clearly had an emergency out should he need it). He did tell me that, at 41, he had a 20-yr-old son (who after Facebook stalking I learned had his OWN baby, making this guy a grandfather, but whatev) and a 13-yr-old son, and asked point blank if I wanted kids. I said I did, and he said he waffled back and forth but felt he might like to have one more and do it right. (This will be important in a minute.)
The next day, he sent me the longest text ever, full of compliments and really flattering stuff. It was a little much since we had only had two drinks, but he seemed genuine and I was game. He invited me to go sailing on his catamaran that Sunday. Always believing I need more friends with boats, I agreed. He called me on my birthday, told me how romantic date #2 would be, that he was bringing sushi and wine, etc. Then Sunday morning he called to say he had to cancel because he got too sunburned the day before. Alrighty.
But to his credit, he continued to pursue me, asking me out on the boat for the following Sunday. Again, I agreed. He then texted me on Saturday to say that he really liked me and had been doing some soul-searching about having kids. He really wanted to buy a yacht and sail around the world, only returning to the US every 5 or 6 months - so kids didn't really fit into that picture. But he wanted a travel companion, and if I was still interested he would love to continue to see each other. Again, we had been out ONCE. I wrote back, saying not only did it not sound like there was room for kids, but there wasn't room for me, so I was out. He wrote back - did that not sound like an amazing plan? Yes it did (although I get seasick, so not really), but I didn't even know him and he would be asking me to give up everything and everyone I know. Pass.
Cut to this past Thursday (so approx two weeks later). I get a text from him, asking to please remind him why we stopped dating. He had been trying to remember for two days, and although he knew he liked me, he couldn't remember what ended things. (Again - we were NOT "dating!" ONE DATE.) I wrote back, saying the yachting life wasn't for me, plus the kid thing. This clearly jarred his memory, but he said I misunderstood and he wouldn't be on the boat forever - just for a little while. Oh, and he had been rethinking the kid thing and wanted a daughter. And would I like to come over and try for one. (Then said he was joking.) Ummm. So this guy has done a complete 360 (aka two 180s) since I met him. I don't have anything else going on, so I agreed to maybe go out again, give him another chance.
The next morning, I received this text verbatim:
"Sarah, I woke up feeling like I was leading you on last night. I think you're fantastic! If I wasn't in love with someone else I would be all over you!! Since you and I met, I met somebody and we saw each other non-stop for 4 days, then I majorly fucked up and she broke up with me. She was only the second woman who has broken up with me in my adult life, both times I deserved it. I'm still hung up on her right now. For fairness to myself and to others, I'm committed to not dating anyone right now. I did sincerely feel a connection with you and if you want to explore friendship, I would absolutely like that. And I'm not talking about "let's be friends" and never speak again. I mean, let's plan to go hang out. Sry for the long text."
Good LORD. Clearly this guy is insane, no? He met and fell in love with someone in the past two weeks, after seeing her a total of FOUR TIMES? (Obviously he has a different sense of time than everyone else, as well.) I wrote back "No thanks, you're confusing" and he responded "Fair enough."
And that is hopefully the end of that. #youcantmakethisshitup
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