Vocal stylings

I have had two guys recently tell me I have a great voice. Not singing voice, mind you (they're not delusional) - speaking voice. Now that's a compliment I've never heard before. (Except now, twice.)
Always nice to get positive feedback on something you have no control over. As opposed to, say, your hairstyle/perfume/basically anything else that could be changed with a little cash or effort.

Bachelor in Paradise: Love squares and douchebags

It's week two in "Paradise," but there are so many tears (from girls AND guys), it seems more like "Hell."

Lauren (Ashley I's plus-one) is over it (again), and she wants to go home. She's sweaty, she doesn't like people, and - surprise! she's a mistress to some dude back home. And is perfectly fine with it. She is ready to pack up, but Ashley convinces her to stay one more night to see if her crush Joshua (welder from Kaitlyn's season) will arrive in Paradise. After crying and blowing her nose for about 3 minutes, Lauren agrees.

And arrive he does! But unfortunately for Ashley, he likes Tenley and asks her on a date. Lauren packs her bikinis and wheels her suitcase down the beach, as sister Ashley weeps. As usual. JJ, meanwhile, is super confused as to why a catch like Tenley would go for a "carp" (aka botttomfeeder) like Joshua. Basically he knows his days are numbered on the island.

Tenley has butterflies around Joshua (can we just call him Josh, for the love) and his gigantic man-hands, and reveals that she portrayed Ariel at Tokyo Disney. Cue the animated birds flying around her head. This is a perfect job for Tenley, in my humble opinion. They dance, they take tequila shots, they kiss. All very Disney-esque.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Kentucky Joe arrives, and he's been hyped as the funniest guy around! But instead he broods quietly, barely speaking to anyone (except Clare, who he calls out for being in Paradise twice). Apparently he was hoping to give his date card to Samantha. But she's not here, so Juelia basically invites herself on the horseback riding date. This angers Jonathan, who gave Juelia his rose and hopes Joe falls off the horse and breaks his leg.

Clare is sad. And who does she turn to when she's sad? Her raccoon pal. Who has clearly devised a coping mechanism for her crazy:

Tenley and Joshua return, only to have Tenley swept away by JJ. Putting on the full court press, JJ starts smooching her and convinces  himself he's back in the running. Cut to Tenley and Joshua, half-naked and making out while JJ snores in his bunk.

Joe and Juelia ride horses and kiss under a waterfall, and Juelia is taken by the fact that Joe asks about her daughter. She thinks this means he did his research, but I think he just couldn't think of anything else to talk about.

Back at the house, Joshua is relaying stories about taking Molly in Vegas, and how he wished they could all have coconuts filled with Molly on the group date. Talk about "Paradise..." But looking around the room, everyone else seems horrified and Mikey and Dan feel they need to protect poor Disney Tenley from this hoodlum. She starts to cry, because everyone cries, and confronts Joshua about his druggie past. He claims to have only "tried it once" and "only partied in college," and somehow little naive Tenley believes him.

Joe and Juelia return from their date, and Ju is giddy but Joe could care less. He even admits to a producer that Juelia seems dumb, was not a good kisser, and he really just wants her rose so he give it to Samantha (who he hopes will be appearing sooner rather than later). And playing the role of douchebag: Kentucky Joe!

Jared gets a date card and invites Clare, to Ashley's dismay ("I can't lose him to a cougar!"). They bungee jump off a cliff, and Clare screams way too loud for way too long. She is thrilled to return to the house to tell everyone that they kissed, which sets Ashley off on another crying jag. Seriously - she should promote waterproof mascara or fake lashes or whatever the hell is on her eyes, because the crazy amount of tears doesn't hamper her eye makeup. #jealous

Next to arrive is diabetic lawyer Michael G, who has only one mission: Tenley. Goodness, last week this girl had no one and now she finds herself in a "love square!"

Mikey G (not to be confused with Mikey T) asks Tenley (or, in his mind, Elevenly) on a date and she accepts. They listen to mariachi music and get some making out in for good measure. #viva

Jared and Clare have a heart-to-heart back at the house, where Jared lets her down not so easily: "You're 8 years older than me. I mean...you look great." Oof. Hurricane Clare starts brewing.

Jonathan and Mikey T both pull Juelia aside to voice their concerns about Joe not being here "for the right reasons," so Juelia pulls a classic BIP move and confronts Joe directly. He opts to confront Mikey and Jonathan directly, because he wants the rose, dammit. In the process he "hashtag made Mikey my bitch" and treated Jonathan "like I was his pimp," leaving Jonathan a sobbing mess and forcing him to apologize to Juelia for falsely accusing Joe of bad behavior. What the hell is this guy's deal. Creeper, level 5.

And speaking of creeper...right before the rose ceremony, Clare erupts at the group, saying they are way worse than Bachelor in Paradise season 1, because that cast was here for love, not for twisted games and politics. And just keeps yelling. At no one.

Jade responds at the rose ceremony that she is offended by Clare's insinuations, and she is there for love, thankyouverymuch. Clare oddly responds with a "if the shoe fits, wear it" and storms off sobbing (which should be the drinking game of the night) because once again there's no one there with love for Clarebear.

A few roses are given out:
Carly to Kirk
Ashley S to Dan
Jade to Tanner
Tenley to Joshua

And then we're hit with a "to be continued..." DAMMIT PEOPLE.

Next time, we're going out to the movies.

NOTE: I haven't finished watching Bachelor in Paradise, so tomorrow's post will be a double-whammy, recapping Sunday AND Monday. Sorry peeps.

My mom was in town this weekend to help with the house, and she kept joking that it was like she was in prison: she was forced to work hard all day (sometimes in 105 degree heat) for no pay and very little food. Ha.

But I was at least going to reward her with movies. The last time she visited, we talked about The Day After Tomorrow, but she had never seen it. We looked for it on Netflix, but to no avail. A few days after she went home, it was on TV so I recorded it and have been saving it for her ever since. So we eagerly turned it on Friday night, only to find that I had recorded a channel I do not subscribe to, so the recording was blank. (I rented it on iTunes and we were able to watch it after all, but still. Kind of a letdown.)

The second letdown came Saturday night, when we decided to watch School Ties, a classic featuring a baby-faced Matt Damon and Ben Affleck that my mom was excited to watch. Only to find out that I recorded it on a Spanish movie channel, so the movie was totally dubbed en espanol.

Good lord. I am terrible at this.

Benny can you hear me

I have had several dreams about Ben Affleck over the years. They started off with my being friends with Ben and Matt, hoping he would one day like me as more than a friend. A few more dreams followed, perhaps with a makeout sesh or two. Then the other night I dreamed that he made some announcement on social media that he was in love with me. I mean, it could happen. (Although I feel my odds of being friends with Jennifer Garner are higher than ever being Ben Affleck's girlfriend, and hos before bros, right?)

I have officially lost it. I know.

Little hippies in the making.

My cousin and her family drove through Dallas on Friday as part of their two-week, cross-country vacation. This was the tail-end of the trip, and they were all still talking to each other. #miracle

The boys, Oscar and Otis, are adorable and hilarious. For example: while in Austin, they stopped at the LBJ museum, and apparently there's a Vietnam section of the museum that includes some of the 1960s protests. So at dinner, Otis (the 5-year-old) starts chanting, "LBJ! LBJ! How many kids did you kill today?!" He was so proud of himself, he repeated it throughout the evening.

Hilarious - the one thing he took from the entire trip. I envision him going back to kindergarten and teaching all his little friends the power of peaceful protest. #makelovenotwar

Another night in Paradise

Gotta hand it to the producers - at least they know how cheesy this show is and can make fun of themselves. Most ridiculous show open ever, but since this show is ridiculous, it kind of works.

We're back with Clare entering the house, and she quickly learns that most of the guys are already paired off into "relashies." We don't waste time in paradise, people. Abbreviations and quick hookups are the way to go. The only two bachelors left are Mikey and JJ, neither of which she's very excited about, but after consulting with a crab (her raccoon pal must have been busy), and Mikey telling her how much he wants to go on a date, Clare takes him to a very awkward couples yoga session. Because all the dates have to take place on the property and producers are simply out of options. Mikey thoroughly enjoys himself, hoping to experience "downward Clare" in private. Ew, dude.

Lucky for them, Ashley S was stricken with some unknown medical issue and had to be taken off-site in an ambulance. Dan decided to join, and by the time they got back, they too were an item. (Methinks the Mexican hospital must have given Dan some pretty decent drogas to get him on the same wavelength as crazytown.) Ashley gets the next date card, and invites her hospital buddy along, which pisses Tenley off - she blew her hair out and everything, guys! Ashley tells Dan their ER date was the best one she's ever been on (bless her heart), and he makes her either feel like a woman or a child. Alrighty.

Tenley is getting nervous back at the house. She hasn't matched with anyone, and fears her time is running out, so she grabs Jared for a stroll on the beach. Tenley's "old," according to Ashley I (um, 31), and Ashley refuses to lose her Aladdin to such a coug. So she interrupts their beach walk and tries to solidify their relationship, but Jared won't give her much to go on, saying he's just going to play things by ear. Cue Ashley tears. Her sister consoles her by saying they should just go home - she deserves a guy who likes real boobs anyway - and speaking of, her boobs are really burned! More SPF, intern!

As the rose ceremony approaches, JJ's rose is the only one up for grabs. Jillian feels confident that she sealed the deal with a smooch and his word last night, but we all know these people have no ethics. So when Tenley makes a final play for JJ and tells him "you can kiss me if you want to," we all know his rose has turned elsewhere.

Sure enough - rose pairings are:

Tanner and Jade
Jonathan and Juelia
Mikey and Clare
Jared and Ashley (who is SO relieved guys!) and Lauren
Dan and Ashley S
Kirk and Carly
And JJ and Tenley, sending Jillian and her little black box home. Sigh.

Bachelor in Paradise - Love, Mexican Style

No rest for the weary - we're back in "Paradise" (aka Mexico) with a new crop of Bachelor/Bachelorette rejects - and it's a two-night premiere! Great. Because four hours of this is just what I need to start my week. (No, really.)

Chris Harrison is enjoying a tropical drink in a coconut and looking forward to this trainwreck of a season as he introduces...

The ladies:
Jade - Playboy-posing "wild stallion" that all the boys like
Tenley - rainbows and handstands (and not at all bitter that her ex Kiptyn just had a baby with someone else)
Ashley I - of the fake eyelashes, Aladdin fantasies and teas
Lauren I - Ashley I's younger, sluttier sister. Because that's what we wanted. More crylashing.
Ashley S - onion-loving resident of crazytown
Jillian - back with new boobs and that same black bar. Also apparently only packed bikinis.
Juelia - single mom whose ex killed himself - deserves some fun in the sun
Carly - the cruise ship singer who has apparently gone overboard (heh) with the extensions and highlights

The dudes:
Jared - freshly dumped by Kaitlyn, ready to mingle - with ALL the ladies
Mikey T - self-proclaimed "alpha male" who is instantly drawn to Lauren, although she does not feel the same
Tanner - pokes fun at the fact that Kaitlyn didn't even know his name, and is back to change that (sidebar: he does NOT look good in drag)
JJ - the "bad boy" - but where's Clint?
Dan - seems like the most mature and normal of the group. Which means he is probably not long for this world.
Kirk - instant connection to Carly, who tells him he smells good all the time. Aw.
Jonathan - also fresh off Kaitlyn's season, he's psyched about all the T&A at the beach


We learn that the I sisters come as a package deal - one gets a rose, the other gets to stay. Other contestants are a bit miffed - could they have brought THEIR sibling?? - but alas. These two should probably get their own spin-off, from Lauren tweaking Ashley's ponytail to make it "a little more Ariana," to Lauren telling Ashley her shoes are hideous, she is way too sweaty and her makeup application needs work, it's fairly amusing. (And also a little mean to Ashley)

Ashley S, meanwhile, is taken by the birds. She loves them, guys.

Before the date cards arrive, Chris Harrison invites everyone down to the beach for a surprise: Marcus and Lacy's wedding! These two tanaholics met on last season of Bachelor in Paradise, and clearly only invited like four people to the nuptials. But get hitched on TV they did, serving as the #relationshipgoals for the rest of the group.

Later that night, the drinks are flowing and relationships are forming. Carly and Kirk are already making out, Jared steals Jade away for a walk by the beach, and Lauren bawls about wanting to go home because everyone is so old and she doesn't like people. Ashley puts her sister to bed and then tries to form words around Jared, the only guy in the house who fulfills her Aladdin fantasy. She is struck dumb and mute, which of course makes her cry. She is finally able to formulate a sentence...and it's about Princess Jasmine. Sigh.

The next day, the first date card goes to Ashley I, and she wants to invite Jared. But does Jared like Jade? Would he turn her down? OMG what should she do?? Her sister convinces her to ask him, and she does. Thank god he accepts - imagine the tears if he said no - and they hit the mud in a Jeep, followed by champs on the beach. Ashley is in love. Not so sure what Jared is thinking.

Jade gets the next date card, and wonders if she should wait until Jared gets back and invite him out again. Has anyone ever been picked twice in a row on this show? Way to go, Jared. But wait - Jade decides to invite Tanner, who is super stoked to be with a playmate and can't believe his good fortune to meet her in person. They have chemistry, they make out at dinner, and Jade suggests stripping down to their skivvies and hopping in the river (thunder and lightning be damned). Personally I would be more concerned about leeches/pirhanas in that water, but whatever.

The thunder also acts as an excellent foreshadow that something is brewing - and that something is Clare. She's baaaaaaack!

Stay tuned for night two of the agony and the ectasy.