Another night in Paradise

Gotta hand it to the producers - at least they know how cheesy this show is and can make fun of themselves. Most ridiculous show open ever, but since this show is ridiculous, it kind of works.

We're back with Clare entering the house, and she quickly learns that most of the guys are already paired off into "relashies." We don't waste time in paradise, people. Abbreviations and quick hookups are the way to go. The only two bachelors left are Mikey and JJ, neither of which she's very excited about, but after consulting with a crab (her raccoon pal must have been busy), and Mikey telling her how much he wants to go on a date, Clare takes him to a very awkward couples yoga session. Because all the dates have to take place on the property and producers are simply out of options. Mikey thoroughly enjoys himself, hoping to experience "downward Clare" in private. Ew, dude.

Lucky for them, Ashley S was stricken with some unknown medical issue and had to be taken off-site in an ambulance. Dan decided to join, and by the time they got back, they too were an item. (Methinks the Mexican hospital must have given Dan some pretty decent drogas to get him on the same wavelength as crazytown.) Ashley gets the next date card, and invites her hospital buddy along, which pisses Tenley off - she blew her hair out and everything, guys! Ashley tells Dan their ER date was the best one she's ever been on (bless her heart), and he makes her either feel like a woman or a child. Alrighty.

Tenley is getting nervous back at the house. She hasn't matched with anyone, and fears her time is running out, so she grabs Jared for a stroll on the beach. Tenley's "old," according to Ashley I (um, 31), and Ashley refuses to lose her Aladdin to such a coug. So she interrupts their beach walk and tries to solidify their relationship, but Jared won't give her much to go on, saying he's just going to play things by ear. Cue Ashley tears. Her sister consoles her by saying they should just go home - she deserves a guy who likes real boobs anyway - and speaking of, her boobs are really burned! More SPF, intern!

As the rose ceremony approaches, JJ's rose is the only one up for grabs. Jillian feels confident that she sealed the deal with a smooch and his word last night, but we all know these people have no ethics. So when Tenley makes a final play for JJ and tells him "you can kiss me if you want to," we all know his rose has turned elsewhere.

Sure enough - rose pairings are:

Tanner and Jade
Jonathan and Juelia
Mikey and Clare
Jared and Ashley (who is SO relieved guys!) and Lauren
Dan and Ashley S
Kirk and Carly
And JJ and Tenley, sending Jillian and her little black box home. Sigh.