Bachelorette recap: Antig-waaaaaah

Good lord, this episode was dramatic - finally living up to its oft-used, rarely justified "Most Dramatic Episode" moniker! Somehow I think it's all hooey, but we'll get to that.

Antigua. Ah, Antigua. I grew up going there, and could really use another trip - looks like paradise. But perhaps it's not paradise for Des...(dun dun DUUUUN) Who, might I add, wears the WEIRDEST outfits on this island. Maybe she's drunk on rum punch or something, but oof.

 First up, a date with our gay buddy, Drew. They cruise around, stopping for smooches and selfies, and end up at a bazaar where they buy crappy trinkets that Drew says he will keep forever and dance to steel drum music. Yeah mon. Dinner on the beach is rained out, but they manage okay, and Drew tells Des he would get down on one knee right now. Cue the fantasy suite. Although I just don't see it with these two. (Probably because he is gay.)

Brooks is up next, but instead of beachy Antigua, he's visiting his mom and sister in Boise. Alllllright. He's questioning why he isn't ready to propose, doesn't think he's in love, doubts his feelings....making me have feelings. Icky feelings. Mom and sis say Des is too cute, but they support him in whatever he decides, so it's off to Antigua.

But first, a date with Chris. And finally, the Bachelor signature - a helicopter ride to Barbuda! A picnic with seemingly awkward conversation and full-on making out in the surf follows, and then dinner where Chris asks her if she would move to Seattle. Clearly not thrilled, Des says relationships are about sacrifice, so okay, I guess. Fantasy Suite bound! (and yet another effing poem)

Des has had fun with the other two guys, but she loves Brooks. She wants to be with Brooks. She sees a future with Brooks. Oh lord. Brooks looks like he just crawled out of a manhole, and answers the knock on his door - but it's not Des, it's Chris Harrison! A mini-therapy session follows, with Brooks crying and Chris sitting silently judging, until finally Chris asks if Brooks just needs more time to be ready to propose, or if he really doesn't love her. In the longest speech ever, I guess we establish it's a no-go. And now he gets to break the news to Des.

Des is so excited to see him, and once again Brooks looks like someone ran over his cat. Or ran over him. He immediately starts crying, so she knows something is up and "guess we're not going to Bird Island after all. Glad I wore my mint bikini for this." The second he starts talking, she knows where this is going (because we've all had similar conversations, haven't we, girls?), and she starts crying too. What a mess. Brooks is NOT a good breaker-upper, either - goes from "you're a better person than me" to "I really don't think about you when we're apart" to "I should be feeling more for you" to a whole lot of "Sorry." To her credit, Des doesn't want to look at him, doesn't want him to be "sorry," doesn't even really want him to touch her. Not to her credit, she stayed around a whole helluva lot longer than I would. I would have been like, "peace out A**hole" and run and jumped in the ocean. She then breaks the cardinal rule of Bachelordom and tells him she loves him. STILL loves him. Wanted (wants?) to give him her heart. And he says "sorry" and finally leaves her to cry it out on a pier, while he stays and cries in the woods. What is happening here.

Des tells the camera that she has two guys left who love her, but she loved Brooks, so it's over for her. And yet, there's another entire two-hour episode (PLUS an After the Rose special), so clearly it's not over. I predict Brooks has second thoughts and comes back and she takes him back (embarrassing for women everywhere) and they're together. Which saddens me - she should just choose no one. Stupid Brooks and his stupid hair.