Bachelorette recap: Roses are red, violets are blue..

...this show is grating on my last nerve. How about you?

First of all, it's possible I had to look up where Madeira was.

Second of all, I honestly found myself slapping my forehead with my palm repeatedly during this episode. And of course fast-forwarding. So very painful.

So we're in Madeira. First one-on-one date goes to Brooks. And it involves a drive up a mountain overlooking clouds. Which was very cool, but ruined by all the cheesy metaphors: "I'm on the road to love with Brooks." (cue car on the road) "We not only broke through the clouds, but we had a breakthrough in our relationship." (cue Sarah vomiting in her mouth) She's running toward the finish line with him, but he's only in the jogging phase. Ruh roh? The night ends with fireworks (literally and figuratively) - as well as impressive firework impersonations by Des.

Next one-on-one date goes to Chris. Who is so adorbs, but could stand to lay off the poetry. They take a yacht to a private island (I would be so seasick - how romantic!), where he has them write a poem together and stick it in a bottle and toss it into the ocean. I pity the poor shipwreck survivor who finds that bad boy. Then more poetry over dinner, and Chris professes his love in rhyme. (cue Sarah slapping herself in the face)

The final one-on-one date goes to Michael - who also is in love with Des, even though this is the first time he's been alone with her. Alllllright. He keeps going in for the kiss, which is awkward, and more cheesy metaphors follow as they careen down a street in some sort of pedicab-toboggan nightmare: "love is an adrenaline rush." (cue Sarah vomiting again)

And last, we have the two-on-one date with Drew and Zack. More cheesy metaphors during the go-kart racing: "love is like a race to the finish." I know the producers are feeding them these lines, but still. Who TALKS like that. No one. Zack emerges triumphant from the race, and gets some extra time with Des. He whips out some drawings, illustrating (literally) their time together. Aw. Zack and Drew are also in love with Des (atta girl!), and Drew gets the rose.

Michael gets the boot, so Des will be heading to the hometowns of Brooks, Drew, Chris and Zack. Shoot me now.