Bachelor recap: Two "I love you's" and a "go F yourself." Sounds about right

Ohhhh Juan Pablo. Finally your stupidity and complete lack of compassion (and intellect) catches up with you. At least, with one girl. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

We arrive in beautiful St Lucia for three wild nights in the fantasy suite. Forgive me, but didn't these used to each be in a different location? Guess ABC is cutting back on the travel budget.

Clare has the first date and she and her rectangle necklace are verrrrry excited. She's in love she's in love and she doesn't care who knows it! (stolen from Elf) After fun times on a yacht, Clare is nervous about the fantasy suite - will JP respect her in the morning? Since he totally turned on her after the romp in the ocean, it's not a bad question. But good news: as JP mentiond about 8 times, there are no cameras! Let the overnight romp begin! (I will bypass the embarrassing part where she asked if he liked her dress.)

Next up: Andi. Things go swimmingly as they play soccer with local St Lucia kids and smooch under a waterfall. He is concerned about her telling him how badly she wanted to fall in love - don't force it, mami! All is right with the world and they shack up. But the bottom falls out the next morning - WHAT HAPPENS IN THE FANTASY SUITE DOESN'T STAY IN THE FANTASY SUITE! Andi is totally disgusted by JP's behavior - he doesn't ask any questions about her, only talks about himself, talked about his overnight romp with Clare, and just acts like an all-around douche. I've been seeing signs of this all season - glad one of these girls finally got the heads up.

But before she can tell him off, we have one more fantasy suite with Nikki, who opts for riding horses on the beach in a bikini top. Made me cringe just thinking about all that jiggling. She too is in love and tells him so just in time for the fantasy suite card. Nice timing, Chris Harrison. (And nice girly handwriting as well.)

JP meets up with CH to watch the video messages (also cring-worthy; why are we still doing these?), and Andi surprises him with a face-to-face meeting (in tiny lace shorts). She tells him off in the most awesome way possible, asking why he keeps saying everything is "ok." I don't love you. Ok. I'm leaving you. Ok. You are terrible. Ok. What religion am I? Ok. (Sidebar conversation: JP: "What religion ARE you?" Andi: "Catholic." Sarah: "good to know.") He says "ok" so much he starts laughing about it, but she is so over it. She asks why he called her the default, and he claims he doesn't know what that word means and has never used it before in his life. Not sure you can use the ESL excuse when you have lived in the United States for so long. Annnnnd peace out, JP.

Two roses, two girls - Clare and Nikki luck out and get to move on to the finale.

But next week is the Women Tell All, which should be the Most Dramatic WTA Ever. Hurrah.