Stop the presses

We're having a contest in my department at work for the funniest headline (unintentionally). Google searching brings up hundreds. As a journalism major, I am cracking up and cringing at the same time. For example:

What was your name again?

You know how people get Bill Pullman and Bill Paxton confused? I'm the same way with Peter Gabriel and Peter Cetera.  And Dylan McDermott and Dermot Mulroney. (Apparently there's even an SNL skit about this, so clearly I'm not alone.)

From Aw to Oh No

There are two little lhasa apsos that live in my building, and every time I walk Charlie they bark and bark at her and she barks back. It's kind of adorable because they really seem like they're having a conversation. But the adorable-ness came to a halt yesterday when their owner, a girl probably my age or younger, emerged yelling at them and beat them both with a giant folded-up newspaper. Hard. Hard enough for me to hear it down on the street. And this happened both times I walked Charlie past the apartment. I sort of felt like I was in a Lifetime TV movie, watching animal abuse happen. I know it wasn't that bad, but I certainly wouldn't hit my dog with a newspaper. Makes me wonder if, rather than having a conversation, maybe the lhasas are crying out for help. Boo.

Preach it, Tina

There's nothing like listening to "You Better Be Good to Me" by Tina Turner on full blast in the car to really start your day off right.

And if that doesn't do it for you, watching Paul Rudd lip sync it should.

Reality Bites

So I got a call this week from a casting director, looking to cast a new TLC reality show called "The One That Got Away" (or TOTGA, as it said in the emails and will probably be the Twitter handle). She asked if I was single (um, yes) and said I was in the perfect age range for the show (I am not in the perfect age range for anything, so I assume she meant the network). But did I have "one that got away?" I mean, technically they ALL got away. And are now all married. So I had to decline my fleeting chance at "fame," but still kind of hilarious that I got the call in the first place...

Haterade

Took a "How Much Do You Hate People?" quiz, and was (not) surprised at how many things I checked off that bothered me. The one that made me laugh out loud (and I'm sorry, I refuse to use "LOL" - another of the myriad of things that bother me):

"When someone asks, 'Are there any more questions?' And then someone asks a question."

I mean YES. This happens all the time. The presenter is literally packing up their things, unplugging their mic, and someone asks a question. Greatness.

As bothered as I am by many things, this was my not-so-horrific result:

Shutterstock.com

You only sort of hate people. Sometimes. When they’re being the worst. And that’s perfectly natural. You don’t put up with any nonsense but you’re probably not a dick.

Following Vanilla Ice on Instagram finally paid off.

Because he posted this last night:

App-tastic

So I finally joined Snapchat yesterday. No clue how it works or why, but I'm on it. I also got propositioned for a threesome on Tinder over the weekend. So I guess you could say an excellent weekend for apps all around.

I also almost bought lilies at the grocery store. Almost.

Since I watched like 30 minutes of The Ten Commandments on TV last night. does that count as Easter church service? Here's hoping. #yaygod

Bad dog.

It's official - my dog is a cock-block. A guy came up to my apartment this week, and Charlie would not stop barking or whining. It got so bad that he finally left, saying it was killing the mood. I seriously don't know what to do with her - locking her in the closet or bathroom would just make her bark louder (and seems fairly mean). So I guess I'm doomed to be a single mom forever. Sigh. #shouldhavegottenafish

Maybe THIS is why people go to Starbucks

In dire need of coffee this morning, I drove to 7-11 to get my favorite Skinny Salted Caramel Mocha, only to find they had replaced it with something called Bananas Foster Cappucino. Which could not sound more disgusting to me. So I left, empty-handed and tired. So very tired.

The adventures of a green pom pom

I brought decorations home over the weekend to create my Peeps diorama, and Charlie snagged one of the large pom poms. It became her new favorite toy, and she would chase it around, chew on it, etc. (Why I spend money on fancy doggie toys for her is beyond me...) Last night she was rolling around with it in her mouth, having a helluva time - and then she swallowed it. Momentarily I panicked, realizing I have no idea how to administer doggie Heimlich, but she started licking my face so clearly was AOK. It's a bit unnerving that I will see that pom pom again sometime soon. Probably in 12-18 hours.

You know you watch too much reality TV when:

You start recognizing people on one show who have been on a different show, and neither show is very good. For example:

A guy on the first episode of Online Dating Rituals of the American Male (which is actually amazeballs, but I digress) was a contestant on Sweet Home Alabama, a Bachelor-ish show for the southern folk. He proved to be a complete douche on both shows. At least he's consistent?

A woman on last week's Millionaire Matchmaker, Ariane (not the millionaire, but one of the women brought in to date one), was previously on Beverly Hills Nannies as one of the wives using a nanny in 90210. Clearly she is no longer a wife, but is also still posing for Playboy. Lovely.

All of this to say, I think I need to get HBO and Showtime and start watching more quality programming. But Bravo, why can't I quit you??

Urine luck

You know how they say it's good luck when a bird poops on you? (Which, let's be honest, is probably just something they say so you'll stop freaking out) Wonder what it means when a dog PEES on you. Because that happened to me this weekend at the dog park. While on a date. A random dog came up to my chair, lifted his leg, and doused me. Then another dog peed on my purse...it was a big day at the dog park.

Green and white, ever bright

Today is my high school's 100th birthday. Actually, I went there for 8 years, so it's more than my high school (and no, I didn't have to repeat freshman year four times). I remember the 75th anniversary party (believe there was some cheer that went "We salute you Ela Hockaday!" or something), which is nothing compared to the bash they're throwing this weekend. Not that I'm attending. But still - happy 100th, Hockaday! Long may your saddle shoes shine.

To borrow from another cheer that happened daily in the lunchroom in middle school: "Today's somebody's birthday! Whose birthday? The Hockaday School's birthday! How old is she? 1...2...100! Happy birthday to you (clap clap), happy birthday to you (clap clap), happy biiiiirthday dear Hockaday, happy birthday to you (woooooooo)!

Prince George!

Could this baby be any cuter? I am semi-obsessed. Love that he swiped other babies' toys. Dammit, he's the future king. He should get ALL the toys.

http://www.people.com/people/package/article/0,,20395222_20804748,00.html

Side hugs

Good lord two of the Duggar girls are engaged/courting?! And all they do is give side hugs?! Perhaps I should re-evaluate things.

Be Selective. B-E Selective. (you can finish the Be Aggressive cheer on your own.)

A few friends and I signed up with Selective Search, an "upscale matchmaking service," like three years ago. It's a national company that is free for women, but the male clients have to pay around $25,000 to join. (Kind of makes Match look like chump change, doesn't it?) I never heard a peep from them until two weeks ago, when I got an email saying they had a potential match for me but assumed I was in a serious relationship by now. Sadly, I responded saying no, I was still single, and bring on the sugar daddy match. I have to meet the Selective Search people tonight for a face-to-face interview, but this is super intriguing. Odds are the guy won't live in Dallas so not sure how that works unless he'd like to fly me out on his private jet. I kid, I kid. Sort of.

The Madness is coming to a close.

The Final Four hit Dallas over the weekend, and although I didn't go to the games out at AT&T Stadium (but somehow tons of my friends managed to get tickets), I made a little game of my own. While out at the Katy Trail Icehouse Friday night, I spotted a guy in a Kentucky shirt. Decided to try and find guys in shirts representing the other three schools as well. And by the end of the night, I did. I will proudly cut down the nets for that accomplishment. It's the little things, people.

Top 10 Top 10s

In honor of David Letterman announcing his impending retirement, I unearthed these 10 Top 10 lists. Some are a little dated - hey, the man has been on the air for a long time. Enjoy.

Top 10 Dog Excuses for Losing the Dog Show
------------------------------------------------------------------------
10. Mistaken in assumption there would be a chance to show off talent for
    drinking from toilet.
9. Thought I saw that little chuckwagon.
8. Bad idea going to Don King's barber.
7. Caught in a lie claiming to be Cycle Two dog when I'm really Cycle Three.
6. Shouldn't have picked Quayle as running mate.
5. My life-long losing battle with problem drool.
4. Spelled "ubiquitous" with two B's.
3. Didn't know that was the judge's leg.
2. Money goes to trainer anyway.  So let him stand naked in Madison Square
    Garden and get touched by a stranger in a bad suit.
1. Like me, the whole thing was fixed.

Top Ten Least Popular Broadway Shows
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
10. Oprah-homa!
9. Sunday in the Park with George Steinbrenner
8. Twelve Angry Men and a Baby
7. Sharptonmania
6. Roy Rogers' Incontinent Dog and Monkey Rodeo
5. I'm Not Gonna Pay a Lot for This Muffler: A Dramatic Reading by
    James Earl Jones
4. David Brinkley's Enchanted World of Magic and Illusion
3. Meese!
2. Death of an Amway Salesman
1. Oh!  Velveeta!
Top Ten Least-Loved Christmas Stories
=========================================================================
10. Amahl and the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling
9. The Sweatiest Angel
8. Santa's Three-Day Eggnog Bender
7. Christmas Eve at the All-Male Cinema
6. A Holiday Visit from Salmonella
5. Ironman Mike Tyson Hurts Santa Real Bad
4. My Christmas Sauna with Burl Ives
3. Jack Frost Loses the Feeling in His Extremities
2. I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus
1. The Teddy Bear Who Came to Life and Mauled a Retail Clerk
Top Ten Headlines That Would Start a Panic
========================================================================
10. Casey Kasem Builds Own Nuclear Device
9. Yanks Swap Mattingly for Eve Arden
8. Walking Dead Stalk City, Demand Soul Kisses
7. It Turns Out You Really Need Your Tonsils
6. Seals & Croft, Brewer and Shipley to Form Supergroup
5. Nell Carter, _Playboy_ Magazine Reach Terms
4. Constitution Thrown Out In Favor of Old "Marmaduke" Cartoon
3. "Sometimes When We Touch" Made National Anthem
2. Willy Nelson Discovered Washing Hair in NYC Water Supply
1. "Late Night" to Begin Top Twenty Lists
Top Ten Children's Books NOT Recommended by the National Library Association
==============================================================================
10. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
8. Legends of Scab Football
7. Teddy: The Elf with a Detached Retina
6. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer
5. Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales but Can't Remember the Endings
    to All of Them
4. Ed Beckley's Start a Real Estate Empire with Change from Mom's Purse
3. Things Rich Kids Have That You Never Will
2. Let's Draw Betty and Veronica with Their Clothes Off
1. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead
Top Ten Least Popular Attractions at Disney World
=========================================================================
10. The Raw Sewage Flume
9. Oprah Mountain
8. Moses Malone's Enchanted Laundry Hamper
7. Parade of Short Actors in Stifling Animal Suits
6. Pegleg Pete's Prison Shower Room
5. Muggyland
4. Hall of Vice Presidents
3. Walt's Walk-in Freezer and Crypt
2. Turn the Hose on Lady and the Tramp
1. Peter Pan's All-Male Cinema
Top Ten Least Popular Pepperidge Farm Cookies
===============================================================
10. Asbestos Snaps
9. Broccoloons
8. Tainted Oyster Dainties
7. Gravel Sandys
6. Cinnamon Sharptons
5. Cholersterol Chubbies
4. Spackle Swirlies
3. Mallomar Khaddafys
2. Monkey Clumps
1. Johnny Bench's Nut Cups
Top 10 Mr. Wizard Experiments
------------------------------------------------------------------------
10. Let's flush a canned ham down the toilet.
9. Will your head fit here?
8. Taking a core sample of Tammy Faye Bakker's mascara.
7. Getting free HBO.
6. How many beers before you make a pass at Bea Arthur?
5. How much Crisco can you eat?
4. Substitution of Folgers Crystals for freshly brewed coffee.
3. Dressing like Mrs. Wizard.
2. A potato in your pocket: the moist, dark world of growth.
1. Those two flight attendants in Dallas.

Bigfoot's Top Ten Peeves
--------------------------------------------------------------------
10. Fat guys who lounge around the campground shirtless
9. Nobody ever goes after Alf with tranquilizer darts
8. Chicks who have a hangup about lice-infested body hair
7. This Dan Quayle Joke
6. Kids would rather see the San Diego Chicken
5. Lead role in "The Ed Asner Story" never materialized
4. The way squirrels smell when they're damp
3. Elvis always drops by right before dinner
2. Honking Winnebagos while you're trying to enjoy road kill
1. Drivers license photo makes him look like Gregg Allman
Top Ten Slogans for Cher's New Perfume
==================================================================
10. I Smell You, Babe
9. It's Like Having a Tatoo in a Bottle
8. I'm Not Gonna Pay a Lot for This Perfume!
7. It's Cher-riffic!
6. The Crowning Touch to Excessive Plastic Surgery
5. It's Easier than Bathing
4. I get 12 Cents for Every Bottle Sold
3. Now Any Middle-aged Woman Can Marry a Teenager
2. Easy-Pour Splatter-Proof Bottle
1. Bring Out the Bono in Your Man!

He IS the Piano Man, after all

There's a new Sirius Channel dedicated to Billy Joel - all Billy, all the time. Now, there are other channels already in existence like this: Pearl Jam, Bruce Springsteen, Elvis, Jimmy Buffet - but for some reason the Billy Joel one got me thinking. That's really how you know you've made it (and have a crapload of songs) - you get your Own. Damn. Radio Station. Shouldn't Michael Jackson have one? I would listen the hell out of that one. But I digress.

Back to all things Billy Joel - check out these photos of his lovely daughter Alexa Ray (with Christie Brinkley). Her rep claims she has NOT had plastic surgery, but instead has just "grown up." Mmm-kay. I wish "growing up" did that to me...

Cut. It. Out.

I have a Tinder date on Sunday at the dog park (yay Mutts!), and the guy's name is "Coul." It could very well A. not be his name at all, B. be short for something like Coulter, or, in my mind, option C. - Coul is his actual name, which sounds like "Cool." (similar to the first syllable of lovable Full House vet Dave Coulier)

Which of course reminds me of the kid from the movie Parenthood:

I realize I could just ASK him what his name is, but I'll enjoy thinking it's Cool for a little bit longer.

Not okay unless you have a British accent, guvnah

Is it super judgey to not want to "like" a guy on Tinder because he wrote "To each IS own?" The grammar nazi in me wanted to scream. Similar to when people write "could of" or "should of." It's HAVE, guys. I know it sounds like "of," but it isn't. #clearlydyingalone