Bachelorette recap: "Stop, y'all! STOP."

The fellas, as Chris Harrison calls them, move into the mansion and start drinking bloodies and rocking hoodies as they prepare for the dates this week. Andi arrives wearing jorts and saying "y'all" to pick up Eric for the first one-on-one date, "love is everywhere." The date begins at the beach, where the two crazy kids build sandcastles and make sand angels. And then of course a helicopter arrives to whisk them to part two of the date, this time on a snowy mountain. And Andi is still in jorts and possibly barefoot. They change into snowboarding gear and get a lesson from a pro before going it alone. Eric is of course an excellent snowboarder; Andi, not so much, which she proves by falling and cursing the entire time. The date is "epic" and over tales of nearly getting killed in Syria, Eric secures the rose. He is so adorable and the whole time I'm cringing thinking about his poor parents and siblings watching this back posthumously.

Back at the manse, the group date card arrives: "Let's BARE our souls." This has the guys excited about getting bare nekkid and dropping trow. Boys will be boys, I guess. And BOY is this date fun: exotic dancing for "charity." (I'm sorry - "Bachelor Gives Back" is a little too broad for me to doff my clothes in front of a live audience. Gives Back to what?!) Some of the guys are a little nervous, and others are busy staring at Josh M's abs, but they all manage to pull it off. (Their pants, that is - hey-oh!) It's all very Magic Mike: firemen, soldiers, a pilot...and a robot. Poor Nick S. In what universe is a stripping robot sexy? More on that later. I was happy to see Sharleen (opera singer) and Kelly (dog-lover) hanging out with Andi - and what better entertainment than this.

Perhaps I spoke too soon - later that evening, Craig gets hammered (or, as Andi puts it, annihilated), and jumps into the pool with his clothes on. But before the producers can escort him home, he manages to ask Andi the most ridiculous question ever: "What's the worst thing about your parents?" To be fair, Andi did say he could ask her anything, but...cue the crickets. And the exit limo. Marcus gets the rose for being her Maverick. Two o's in Goose, boys.

Four guys are hoping to score that last date card, but when it arrives it's Farmer Chris's turn. They hit the Santa Anita racetrack and shockingly (or not) pick the winning horse. They chat with a couple of actors next to them who have been together 55 years and say they make a lovely couple. Clearly Andi agrees, because later that night they dance and have a serious smooch session. Chris gets the rose, even after admitting he had been engaged before.

It's Rose Ceremony time, and the guys who haven't had time with Andi are panicked. But none more than Craig, who knows he's on the chopping block so pulls her aside and plays her an apology tune (actually, there wasn't really a tune) begging to stay another day. Marquel is wearing the craziest shirt/tie combo I have ever seen, and Josh is so adorably tongue-tied around her that he goes in for the tongue kiss. (see what I did there?) He claims he hasn't dated anyone in FIVE YEARS. Doubtful.

But he of course gets the rose, as does everyone but Craig (guess that song played to deaf ears), Nick S (the robot) and Carl, who I did not recognize in those goofy glasses. You're a fireman, man - bare your chest! The end credits rolled over some fantastic robotic rapping and dancing from an exiting Nick S - probably the highlight of the night for me. And next week it's two nights in a row. #lordhelpus