90 is the new 100

Off to Colorado today for Labor Day weekend and to celebrate my grandmother's 90th birthday. The doctors tell her she has the body of a 70-year-old, but clearly not the mind -  she thinks she is turning 100. Thinking about crafting a fake Willard Scott announcement just in case. Happy bday Nana!

Bachelor in Paradise recap: Would someone just give the raccoon it's own show already?

The conclusion of the two-part cliffhanger aired last night, so we've waded through a whopping four hours of Bachelor programming this week. I feel like I deserve someone's rose for that. Although I don't want a rose from any of these idiots. (maybe Graham.)

Speaking of Graham, the last episode made it look like he got cold feet about AshLee and bolted, when in fact it was just a bout of Montezuma's Revenge. Which seemed to sweep quickly through the group, and Lacey was taken to the hospital. But the rose ceremony must go on, and Graham accepted Ash's rose, Michelle is with Cody, Sarah gave hers to Robert and Jackie picked Jesse. Which means Marquel and his bright outfits are going home. And it also means new peeps are on the way...

Enter Christy (?) from Juan Pablo's season (?). I don't think she said more than three words on the Bachelor, which is why when she opened her mouth in paradise I couldn't believe how annoying her voice was. She went straight for Zack with her date card, but he politely declined because he is scared of in a relationship with Clare. Although he never makes the most convincing arguments, especially when explaining things to Clare. Christy bounces back and moves on to Jesse, who she hopes is nothing like her lying cheating ex. (Which of course means that he is.) Jesse is totally game since he's not there for the right reasons (drink!). Clearly neither is Christy, so they are a perfect pair. (Jackie is not amused.)

Sarah gets a date card and invites Robert. She hopes he will kiss her and she won't end up back in the Friend Zone - and he finally does! She seems a little more aggressive than him, but hey. Girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do in a one-piece in Sarah-dise. (yes, I plan on using this phrase a LOT)

Cody and Michelle seem to be getting hot and heavy - he's heavy, she's hot! Hey-oh. He uses her as a dumbbell and paints her toes, and she comments on how huge his quads and arms are. That's true love, people. They get a date card and have a bizarre engagement photo session followed by a semi-wedding. Odd.

Back at the house, Zack and Clare have an awkward conversation in which he tells her he's not sure a relationship is the right thing right now. Uh-oh. Clare, being Clare, doesn't take it well and runs into the woods to talk to her bestie, the raccoon. She tells Rocky she's having a panic attack (on national television!), and this is not Clare-a-dise, it's torture! The raccoon agrees (well, he runs back into the woods, but I'm sure he agrees), and Clare packs up and leaves. Poor Clare.

Enter Lucy, the "free spirit" from Juan Pablo's season. (It's like a damn revolving door in paradise!) Lucy waltzes in with flowers in her hair (literally), but quickly decides it's time to bare all (also, literally). Black boxes become her bathing suit as she lures Jesse into the ocean and asks him on a date. They have some cervezas and share a few besos, but Jesse can't for the life of him remember her name and calls her "what's her nuts" multiple times. Luckily he can remember Christy's name at the rose ceremony. Because that would be awkward. Especially after he apparently had a threesome with both ladies? Holy Whore-a-dise.

AshLee and Graham have a cheesy race car date, allowing the producers to script Graham to use the metaphor that AshLee is like a beautiful vehicle that starts slow and gets easier to steer. Cue my eye-roll.

Rose ceremony time:
Lacy and Marcus, who share an uncomfortably long kiss
Sarah and Robert
AshLee and Graham
Michelle and Cody
Zack and Jackie (last-minute ditch effort, well-played sir)
Jesse and what's her nuts (kidding, Christy)

And I'm spent.

Bachelor in Paradise recap: catfights and solo dates. Literally, SOLO.

Now that Chris and Elise have left paradise/Clare-adise/Sarah-dise, we need some new blood in the mix. Enter Cody (beefcake blonde from Andi's season), Jesse Kovacs (Jillian's season) and Kalon (douchebag who told Emily Maynard her daughter was "baggage"). Michelle still has her hopes set on Robert, but he invites Sarah on a date so Michelle does the right thing and braids Sarah's hair beforehand. Sarah (who sure wears a lot of one-piece bathing suits) and Robert have fun, even doing the "I'm the king of the world" Titanic-style, off the side of the boat. (Are people really still doing this?)

Cody is only interested in Clare and asks her out. She hems and haws - what about Zack?! So she asks Zack what he would do in her position, and he gives a roundabout answer - "depends on who the girl is." Ouch. Clare is NOT amused. Nobody puts Clare in a corner. But Clare still turns Cody down and devotes her attention - and her smooches - to Zack. Cody decides to give his date card to the lovebirds Marcus and Lacy, and quickly turns to Michelle, who seems psyched to be wrapped in his gigantic arms, tank top be damned.

Poor Kalon rolls up and no one is excited to see him. Everyone hates him and no one wants to go on a date with him. Literally, no one. Michelle accepts, then declines. Jackie says no. Sarah says no. So what does Kalon do? He goes on the damn date by himself. And has a full-on conversation with himself and pretends to make out with himself. Might be the best match in the history of this show.

Jesse asks Jackie on a date, although it seems more about wanting a rose than wanting Jackie. Marquel is not amused, yet still manages to smile a lot.

AshLee talks shit about Clare to Zack when she thinks the cameras aren't rolling - the cameras are ALWAYS rolling, sweetie - tells him he should date other girls because Clare had sex with Juan Pablo in the ocean. Damn, girl! Zack doesn't care and knows this is about to cause WWIII - and he's right. AshLee tries to backpeddle her way out of it but word gets back to Clare and She. Ain't. Happy. Strong personality plus emotional mess equals trouble in paradise...Clare is mad at Zack (again) for not standing up for her, and AshLee tries to sweet-talk her way out of it with the fakest apology ever. "You did nothing wrong!" (No shit sherlock) "I'm soooo sorry! I didn't mean to offend you!" etc.
Sure, sure. And we know she meant it because immediately afterwards she stormed inside and said "what a BITCH!" under her breath. Which was once again caught on camera.

At the rose ceremony, Michelle feels it necessary to tell Graham the truth about AshLee, since he is the last to know what she said to Clare. And he is not amused. What should he do?!

Roses:
Lacy and Marcus
Clare and Zack
AshLee and...she offers it to Graham, he storms out, and the screen goes black.

To Be Continued. (tonight!!)

An ode to Slash.

Saw Aerosmith Friday night, which was fantastic (aside from Steven Tyler's weird mustache), but the highlight for me was the opening act: Slash. I was a little suprised he was the OPENER - Slash opens for no one! - but when he played Sweet Child of Mine and Paradise City, I was in heaven. I am sort of in love with him. I have NO IDEA why, but damn.

Speaking of one-night stands, Sunday morning around 9am I was walking the dog and saw two girls leaving my building in what could only be the most amazing walk of shame outfits ever. At first glance, I thought they were going to church, but when I got closer I realized that would be a hell no. They were both tottering around on super high heels and super short dresses - one of which was gold sequins. Amazing. NOT amazing grace.

Challenge accepted.

The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge has taken social media by storm. Celebrities are doing it. Athletes are doing it. Friends' kids are doing it. I know it's pretty overdone at this point, but it has raised over $40 million for ALS, so I say keep on keeping on, ice bucketeers. No one has challenged ME, but we're doing it at work today, so no worries.

I did have a slight bucket issue yesterday - a co-worker told me to go buy pickle buckets from a local sandwich shop. I stupidly thought they would WASH the buckets. But no. I had to drive back to work with the windows down, nearly crying and simultaneously gagging over the pungent odor. (Note: I do not like pickles. And now never will.)

Back at the office, someone told me I should leave coffee grounds in the car to evaporate the smell. So I did. And someone else gave me some extra-strength Febreze, so I sprayed that around in there as well. Nervous for a coffee-pickle-baby powder stench, I didn't know what to expect when getting into my car last night. But all good. It's a little coffee-ish, but thank god that pickle smell went away. #icebucketfail

Can you get pregnant from a side hug?

You better hope so, because one of the Duggar girls (from 19 kids and counting) who got married two months ago has announced she is pregnant with baby #1 (of probably 15). Impressive stuff, considering the couple had never even kissed before their wedding day. Way to make up for lost time, kids!

Ew

You know vacation is over when the tan starts to peel. A moment that is both sad and totally disgusting.

#itsnotdandruffiswear

Bachelor in Paradise recap: lots of shame in this game

This episode brought to you by a little town called Campeche, Mexico, where all four dates took place - at least two of which at the same table, it looked like. The group is a little shaken by the last rose ceremony, but Michelle thinks she has a future with Marquel. That is, until Danielle arrives with a date card and invites him on a date, since she's been crushing on him and tells him so. Michelle quickly moves on to Robert, but Sarah isn't amused since she went out on a limb and offered him her rose (that still makes me giggle) when she could have given it to Dylan. Robert is convinced Sarah is there for the right reasons (take a drink!), but Michelle is pretty too...#conundruminparadise

Marquel and Danielle hit the pool (in Campeche, of course) and almost get struck by lightning, but apparently Marquel doesn't get the metaphor because he is excited to go on the next date (also in Campeche) with Jackie, who is another new arrival. Methinks Marquel likes fresh meat. He and Jackie vow they don't kiss on the first date, and then kiss. Alrighty.

Crazy Elise gets a date card and invites Dylan Chris, who has somehow sprained his ACL and is in a lot of pain. But he accepts, knowing the odds of getting lucky are in his favor. Theirs is an overnight date, and although they are not offered a fantasy suite but instead two separate room keys, Chris takes the opportunity to create a fantasy suite. Hey-oh. We see Elise walking around the room in a towel and some smooching sounds before Chris says "Ouch, my knee!" Greatness. They end the date the next morning at the hospital, with Elise wearing a super inappropriate outfit. Talk about your walk of shame.

Graham and AshLee go on the exact same date (literally), but Graham was having doubts beforehand. He doesn't understand how AshLee could claim him without even asking him - maybe he wants to get to know other girls! But AshLee, who continues to tell the camera she's not crazy, knows she and Graham are meant to be - she follows him on Instagram, for god's sake! (NOTE: so do I.) Graham seems a bit afraid of her, which he probably should be, so agrees to the date. He seems even more afraid when he learns of her cyberstalking, and pulls the gentleman card by saying they should NOT share a room (gentleman or just scared - you be the judge), but they still dance (or at least AshLee dances for him) and smooch in front of a mariachi band. AshLee is enamored by his polite ways, and says she wants to take things slow as well - and have his babies. Sheesh. Subtle.

Marcus and Lacy continue to grow closer - Michelle says they should just go ahead and get engaged - and Clare and Zack do as well, although Zack seemed excited about Jackie's arrival but accepted his preordained fate of being with a psycho. (This is clearly a common theme.)

Time for the rose ceremony.

Marcus and Lacy
Zack and Clare
Graham and AshLee
Marcus and Jackie (ooh, sorry Danielle)
Robert and Sarah (ooh, sorry Michelle)
Chris and Elise - but wait! He can't give her his rose (heehee). He has to go home to take care of his knee. But would she join him? After knowing him for three days? You bet she would! Dylan who? The others think she is kind of insane for jumping in this quickly, but that's silly. She is COMPLETELY insane. Chris instead offers the rose to Michelle, who he believes deserves a shot at finding love. Aw.

So Danielle leaves alone, and Chris and Elise leave together, apparently. Curious to know how long that lasted. Or didn't.

Surfer Girl

Surfing was AMAZEBALLS. Like seriously the coolest thing I have ever done. It took my about 4 tries to get up, but after that I stood up every time. I had one nasty wipeout where I fell on my shoulder onto the hard sand, and it's possibly dislocated because it still really hurts, but totally worth it. I will say the full-body wetsuit, while warm, is not very flattering. And it was nice to see that even the really good surfers (including the grandson of the Body Glove creator - literally the first wetsuit - who was out there at the same time) wipe out too. The ocean brakes for no man.  And happy to report I did not see any sharks. I decided not to ask my instructor if she had seen any, because I knew I would be terrified by the answer.

Hour and a half lesson and I'm totally hooked. Sign me up for surf camp in Costa Rica - who's with me?? Surf is UP, dudes.

California dreaming

A few things that I have noticed after two days at the beach:

There are a lot of people at the beach, playing volleyball, surfing, eating at restaurants,etc. in the middle of the afternoon on a weekday. They can't all be tourists, so it seems not a lot of people have actual jobs.

In typical hippie California style, I have passed a bazillion yoga studios (and seen yoga classes on the beach), plus parking spots complete with charging stations for electric cars.

California girls are easy to spot, both because they are so tan and blonde, and because they just look cooler than I will ever be. One girl wheeled past me on a skateboard wearing nothing but a tiny bikini, and looked fantastic.

Oh, and I managed to step in tar on my very first beach outing. I guess I am LITERALLY a Tar Heel now. (Gotta make jokes, cause that shit isn't coming off.)

More bounce in California

Cali is great so far - started a bit rocky when the airport shuttle went to the wrong airport in Dallas, but turns out the other girl in the van was leaving from there. Heart attack averted. Then I got here and realized I somehow forgot to pack a brush and deodorant, both of which are fairly necessary, but luckily there's a CVS in walking distance so I've been there twice already. Today I'm going to rent a bike and cruise down to Venice Beach and Manhattan Beach, and tomorrow is the big surfing lesson. Eeks. #hangten

California here we come

Off to Hermosa Beach for a little vacay. Semi-sad that it's a solo vacation, but I don't really mind. (And not to worry - I bought one of those selfie extenders so I'll look like a complete jackass on the beach, taking pictures of myself.) I plan on cruising the boardwalk, biking to Santa Monica, renting a stand-up paddle board and taking my first surfing lesson (unfortunately timed with Shark Week). Should be beachy and relaxing and considering I haven't been to LA since I lived there in 2000, I'm pretty psyched to - in the immortal words of LL Cool J - be goin back to Cali. #lalaland

Kids say the darndest things

An SVP  brought her daughter to work today. She spied me and waved, so I invited her to come to my office to help me "work." I asked how old she was - "four and three-quarters." (aw) She was overjoyed by the array of stress balls and toys I have at my desk, and hoarded them all immediately. She looked at me, all serious, and asked, "Do you have a baby?" I said no. "Do you have kids?" I said no. "Then I can have all of these?" Ummm I guess so. Makes a pretty valid argument for someone not quite 5. And now my desk looks soooo clean.

Bachelor in Paradise recap: #YOPO

(That's "You Only Paradise Once," which is apparently a thing. Among the 14 people on this show. #sigh)

This episode has a TON of crazy, starting with the very beginning. We learn that Michelle K (who left before the rose ceremony on her own last week) was having a not-so-secret rendezvous involving dental floss with the unfortunately named crew member Ryan Putz. (Seriously?! His last name is Putz?! Amazing.) We are then treated to a very sad and bizarre reenactment, which doesn't seem necessary - I can just explain it to you. After the rose ceremony, Michelle slams the door in host Chris Harrison's face not once, but twice ("He's only the HOST!"), and when another producer knocks the next day, Ryan is in the room with Michelle and panics, deciding to JUMP OFF THE BALCONY. And breaks both feet or ankles (we next see him in a hospital room with casts on both legs.) Holy crap. What a putz.

Back to the people still on the show...time for some new blood, and by that I mean more dudes in paradise! Chris Bukowski is back, people. He has now appeared on four iterations of this show, which has got to be A. some kind of record and 2. a fact that makes me very sad. He of course has a date card, and asks Clare to get pampered (aka couples massage!), and since Clare is desperate to make a connection with anyone at this point, she enjoys the rubdown.

Dylan is beginning to feel smothered by crazy Elise and tells her they should "see other people." Since most of these "other people" are coupled up, Elise has little choice but to pounce on Chris, who is back from his date with Clare and jumps at the chance to do "sexually amazing things" to Elise in the ocean for all to witness. Once Dylan finds out, he is not amused (even though Elise says she was thinking of him the whole time?!) and is pretty over the whole Elise thing, telling her not to offer him a rose (burn!). But since she's crazy, Elise sees this as just a little bump in the road. #foreshadowing

Time for another new arrival: Zack! I barely remember Zack, but clearly Clare does - she squeals that she's been waiting for him and leaps into his arms. Clare says Zack is low maintenance and drama free, which is good since she is the opposite of those things. And I guess she's over the Chris couples massage? And the ruins date with Robert? And Graham? But I digress. Zack has a date card, and chooses Clare. I think we all breathed a sigh of relief.

Elise can't stop talking about her "relationship" with Dylan, and how everything is going just as she had hoped (what the hell is wrong with this girl?!). Chris is not amused that his chosen gf is mooning over someone he has nicknamed "Fat Damon" (the plumped up version of Matt Damon). But Dylan doesn't care - he wants to date Sarah and offers her the date card. Sarah is torn - Elise is her best friend - but agrees to dinner and they have a lovely time. Elise is a little pissed - "I told them they could go on a date, but not fall in love!" and has yet another DTR chat with Dylan on the beach. He again pushes her towards Chris, and she makes him repeat himself about 18 times. She refuses to grasp what he's trying to say, telling him"You are LITERALLY killing me!" Um, that is not the proper use of the word "literally." Isn't this chick a school teacher??

Marcus rifles through Ben's bag stumbles upon a love letter written to Ben from a seeming girlfriend back home in Dallas, and he and Marquel decide to confront yet another contestant there "for the wrong reasons." Which really should be a drinking game. Ben cops to being in love, and can't understand why this is so upsetting to everyone. (I can't understand why this makes Michelle Money sob, but whatever - it's not always sunny in Paradise, thanks Elise.) Ben packs his bags, bids farewell to Hollywood and vows never to be on TV again. #sure

Now that those there for the wrong reasons have departed (take a shot), it's time for the rose ceremony.

Marcus and Lacy
Graham and AshLee
Clare and Zack
Michelle and Marquel (tricky, since Marquel told her she drinks too much!)
Elise and Dylan. Who turns her down. As he said he would. Prompting a very awkward and crazy speech from Elise. Who I hope was drunk but somehow don't think so. And then turns and offers the rose to Chris. Who accepts. Elise and Chris, everyone!
Sarah and Robert. Dylan is surprised he didn't get the nod, but Sarah probably realized Elise would never let up until someone was dead or married, so time to shoot the hostage.

Next week, new faces and more Chris Bukowski dramz. Because why not.
#yopo

"How rude!"

For some godforsaken reason, my latest email sign-off at work has been:

You got it, dude!

 Sorry to all.

Fuzzy Navels and Dojos

Went to see the Molly Ringwalds (80s cover band - yay!) on Saturday night, and it was awesome. Each member of the band dresses up like someone from the 80s (PeeWee Herman, Twisted Sister, Johnny from Karate Kid, Devo, etc.) They even served wine coolers, which were just as delicious as I remember. But the band kept talking about their new album, which was on sale now. And then played a song by Flock of Seagulls that is on the new album. Soooo it's a new album of 80s songs? Love it.

What I don't love? That Kim Kardashian is putting out a book of 352 selfies. The fact that it's titled "Selfish" is fairly amazing, though.

"It's all happening."

Went and watched my brother Cole play with the Riverboat Gamblers last night in a club in Deep Ellum. I haven't been to Deep Ellum in like 15 years, so wasn't really sure what to expect. Here, a few highlights:

I parked in a lot and the parking attendant told me that my car was her favorite. I felt this was a good sign that it would be a safe place to leave the car. Then thought it might be a sign that she would steal my car, but whatever.

I was "on the list" at the door and didn't have to buy a ticket. This was very exciting - I am very rarely on any sort of list. I got to hang out with Cole and meet the band before they went on, which was super cool.

99% of the crowd (and the band) was wearing black t-shirts and jeans, so my Tory Burch leopard dress and giant lime green purse stood out like a sore thumb (or, in more rock and roll terms, like a middle finger). I thought about buying a Gamblers t-shirt, but checked out the merch table and asked my brother if the shirts came in other colors besides black. He rolled his eyes - no, they did not. I took some "I'm-a-little-too-excited-to-be-here-look-that's-my-brother" photos and sipped water like the punk rock chick I am.

Cole told me I would NOT like the band playing after his. He started describing them as 80s punk rock, and my eyes got wide - I LOVE the 80s! But he said not this 80s. Apparently they used to just get on stage and do heroin. Not really my scene. (But that is SO 80s.)

I edged my way out of the club and was overjoyed to find my car still parked in the parking space. Wild night in Deep Ellum - partied like it's 1999. Literally.

Phone-a-phobia

I have mentioned before how much of a "guy" I am when it comes to the phone - I really don't like talking on the phone, especially when in the beginning stages of getting to know someone. Just text me, man. I got a voicemail last night and it made me realize that my outgoing message is a bold-faced lie:

"Hey, it's Sarah. Sorry I missed your call, but leave me a message and I'll call you back!"

No, I probably won't. Wonder if I should re-record the truth:

"Hey, it's Sarah.  Sorry I missed your call, but why don't you shoot me a text and I'll text you back immediately!"

Sex, drugs and sleep

Tomorrow night my brother is playing guitar for one of his favorite bands, The Riverboat Gamblers. Their guitarist is out for a couple weeks, so they tapped my bro to play. It's all very "Rock Star." Also rock star? The fact that they don't go on until like 11pm. I promised I would go, but I wonder if it would be okay to wear my pajamas, since that is like way past my bedtime. Sooooo not a rock star.

Although if Pete Wentz does it, it must be okay.

Bachelor in Paradise: I'm still 80-40 on the whole thing.

(Yes, that's a shout-out to Lacy, who clearly doesn't understand ratios. Yay.)

Well, it's no rest for the weary - The Bachelorette is over and now straight onto Bachelor in Paradise (aka Tulum, Mexico). Which is basically a bunch of rejects from previous shows (some of whom I don't remember AT ALL) romping around in bikinis and Speedos (et tu, Marcus?!), getting a second shot at being a fame whore love.

The cast:

Clare (runner-up on Juan Pablo's season; has seemingly ditched the rectangle necklace but still appears crazy)

AshLee (third place on Sean's season; has the hots for Graham and still seems crazy)

Michelle K (Jake's season, I remember her being weird and semi-psycho and she still is)

Sarah (Sean's season, has one arm)

Michelle Money (Brad's season; Bachelor Pad)

Daniella (Sean's season)

Lacy (got the boot on night one of Juan Pablo's season, explaining why I had NO IDEA who she was. Yet neither did Clare, and they were on the same show...)

Elise (Juan Pablo's season)

Ben (Des' season; the bad guy with a son)

Robert (Des' season)

Graham (DeAnna's season; good NC boy; Bachelor Pad)

Marcus (Andi's season; still "heartbroken" but will still swim in his red skivvies)

Marquel (Andi's season)

Dylan (Andi's season; so glad he cut his hair)

The show centers around date cards, and each week the girls and guys will alternate offering up roses to their potential hook-ups mates. The girls outnumber the guys, so they know they'll be on the chopping block first. Which means they all start trying to pair off to get to stay another week. Except for Michelle K, who seems she really couldn't care less, and might not even be single in the first place. (?) Gotta hand it to Lacy, who romps in the ocean with not one but two guys on the first day (Robert and Marcus). Robert (who is shirtless almost immediately, btw) thinks she is really smart, god bless him.

Clare gets the first date card, and asks Graham to join her at the ruins. She had a dream about this, y'all! She's going to pose with her arms raised! She's in Clare-adise! #killme. But wait - AshLee likes Graham. And somehow after only having met him 24 hours before, she has dibs. So she's pissed that Clare asked and that Graham said yes (um, what was he supposed to say - no? It's a game, people), and starts badmouthing Clare all over the villa.

Clare is upset and cries to a friendly raccoon that she doesn't want the drama (or the fire ants)! You picked the wrong show, sweetie. So she apologizes to AshLee and offers to either give her the date or pick someone else to appease the beast. AshLee likes this idea, so Clare then invites Robert as her sloppy seconds. And he agrees. Sigh. Graham tries to talk to AshLee to figure out how he managed to piss someone off on day two, but she gives him a "talk to the hand" brush-off and he has only a late-arriving Michelle Money to turn to.

Clare and a once again shirtless Robert hike up the ruins so she can get her dream photo. Seems like a friend zone situation - fire ant bites are not sexy. Back at the villa, Sarah gets the next date card and invites Marcus. This frustrates Lacy, because both of her potential dudes are out on dates with other women. The horror! Sarah and Marcus bond by cliff-diving, and share a smooch. But Marcus still carries a torch for Andi Lacy...

Michelle Money (who brought 5 suitcases - my kind of girl!) gets another date card (good lord there are a lot of dates happening in 24 hours), and she opts to invite Marquel, since she and Graham didn't work out after dating on Bachelor Pad. Because that's a real-life situation that you should base relationships on. Huh. She and the cookie monster have a romantic horseback ride along the beach, and seem to have a good time with each other. I'm just happy to see Marquel's offbeat fashion sense still works in Paradise.

Yet another date card arrives for Lacy. And it's the moment of truth - will she pick Robert or Marcus? And why do I care? She opts for dinner and ocean smooching with Robert. And when I say "smooching," I mean legs wrapped around the guy like a damn octopus. Down, girl. Marcus is bummed - does this mean he should offer his rose to Sarah? For some reason when they say "offer his rose" I giggle. Sounds a bit dirty. Bygones.

It's rose ceremony time, and the girls are nervous. AshLee apologizes to Graham for being a psycho, Sarah asks Marcus point-blank if he will pick her, and Michelle Money prances around with a very fake-looking curly side pony. Does anyone tell her "you're so Money and you don't even know it?" I digress.

Before Marquel can offer his rose (ha), Michelle K interrupts with her standard crazy-eyes and says she's leaving. No one really cares, except the producer in the exit limo who asks what happened and she claims she's in love. He repeats the statement, wondering what the hell she's talking about, and she gives a knowing crazy-eye wink. Good grief.

Back to the ceremony. The matches are:

Marquel and Michelle Money
Graham and AshLee
Dylan and Elise
Marcus and Lacy (ooooooh poor Sarah)
Robert and Clare
Ben and Sarah

Which means Daniella is sent packing. And next week, two more arrive to mix and match and mate. Yesssss.

The story you are about to read is true.

I have had my fair share of horrible dating stories. From the guy who stood me up and simultaneously deleted his Tinder account so I couldn't contact him to the one who stood me up saying he had a concussion (seeing a common trend here...), there have been some real doozies. But I think this latest one takes the proverbial cake. Gather round, won't you?

Went on a date with a guy in early July. (The one who thought I had 150K blog readers, not 150, for those keeping track.) The date was fine - I could tell he was interested, since he sat on the same side of the booth (!), kept zoning out when I was talking and said he was distracted by my beauty, and even stayed an hour longer than he said he could (clearly had an emergency out should he need it).  He did tell me that, at 41, he had a 20-yr-old son (who after Facebook stalking I learned had his OWN baby, making this guy a grandfather, but whatev) and a 13-yr-old son, and asked point blank if I wanted kids. I said I did, and he said he waffled back and forth but felt he might like to have one more and do it right. (This will be important in a minute.)

The next day, he sent me the longest text ever, full of compliments and really flattering stuff. It was a little much since we had only had two drinks, but he seemed genuine and I was game. He invited me to go sailing on his catamaran that Sunday. Always believing I need more friends with boats, I agreed. He called me on my birthday, told me how romantic date #2 would be, that he was bringing sushi and wine, etc. Then Sunday morning he called to say he had to cancel because he got too sunburned the day before. Alrighty.

But to his credit, he continued to pursue me, asking me out on the boat for the following Sunday. Again, I agreed. He then texted me on Saturday to say that he really liked me and had been doing some soul-searching about having kids. He really wanted to buy a yacht and sail around the world, only returning to the US every 5 or 6 months - so kids didn't really fit into that picture. But he wanted a travel companion, and if I was still interested he would love to continue to see each other. Again, we had been out ONCE. I wrote back, saying not only did it not sound like there was room for kids, but there wasn't room for me, so I was out. He wrote back - did that not sound like an amazing plan? Yes it did (although I get seasick, so not really), but I didn't even know him and he would be asking me to give up everything and everyone I know. Pass.

Cut to this past Thursday (so approx two weeks later). I get a text from him, asking to please remind him why we stopped dating. He had been trying to remember for two days, and although he knew he liked me, he couldn't remember what ended things. (Again - we were NOT "dating!" ONE DATE.) I wrote back, saying the yachting life wasn't for me, plus the kid thing. This clearly jarred his memory, but he said I misunderstood and he wouldn't be on the boat forever - just for a little while. Oh, and he had been rethinking the kid thing and wanted a daughter. And would I like to come over and try for one. (Then said he was joking.) Ummm. So this guy has done a complete 360 (aka two 180s) since I met him. I don't have anything else going on, so I agreed to maybe go out again, give him another chance.

The next morning, I received this text verbatim:

"Sarah, I woke up feeling like I was leading you on last night. I think you're fantastic! If I wasn't in love with someone else I would be all over you!! Since you and I met, I met somebody and we saw each other non-stop for 4 days, then I majorly fucked up and she broke up with me. She was only the second woman who has broken up with me in my adult life, both times I deserved it. I'm still hung up on her right now. For fairness to myself and to others, I'm committed to not dating anyone right now. I did sincerely feel a connection with you and if you want to explore friendship, I would absolutely like that. And I'm not talking about "let's be friends" and never speak again. I mean, let's plan to go hang out. Sry for the long text."

Good LORD. Clearly this guy is insane, no? He met and fell in love with someone in the past two weeks, after seeing her a total of FOUR TIMES? (Obviously he has a different sense of time than everyone else, as well.) I wrote back "No thanks, you're confusing" and he responded "Fair enough."

And that is hopefully the end of that. #youcantmakethisshitup

Strip in the name of love

I will admit that I have seen a few episodes of "Dating Naked." The premise is pretty much right there in the name - a girl and a guy go on three naked dates on a seemingly desert island (which is probably Mexico), and then each selects the one they would like to see more of in the end. Not sure how much more you can see, though - they are completely naked! vH1 is apparently cool with showing bare butts, but thankfully everything else is blurred out. Making things even more awkward? They have activities on these dates. Naked. Everything from horseback riding to paddle boarding to painting to ziplining. Reminds me of the Seinfeld episode about good naked versus bad naked. This is a lot of bad naked. Yet sadly, I keep coming back to the trainwreck every week.

Sidebar: I hope they promote that you can watch full (frontal) episodes online. Because nude jokes are always funny.