Bachelor in Paradise recap: The "Vill" of the hunt

So Joe sucks. That is pretty much the summary of last night's episode. But in case you want the sordid details...

We open back at the rose ceremony, with Clare having a meltdown to Chris Harrison (the raccoon must have been busy). She wants to leave - there's no one to love - but decides in the end to give her rose to JJ. Ashley I is thrilled, giving hers to Jared, and Juelia makes the Worst Decision Ever and chooses Joe, sending Mikey, Michael and Jonathan home.

Joe had already mentioned (to producers, not to Juelia) that his dream girl was Samantha, and of course that's who arrives next in Paradise! (Weird how this stuff happens, isn't it?) It should be noted that Sam is wearing lace pants. I detest lace pants. Moving on. She beelines it for Joe, asks him on a date, and they come back to the group holding hands. Juelia is not amused - Samantha was her closest friend on Chris' season, and obviously she thought she and Joe had a connection...#realitybites

But others also questioned the speed at which Joe and Samantha became a couple, but when asked point-blank if they had communicated before Paradise, Joe denied everything. (Although apparently told Tanner that yes in fact they did.)

Joe and Sam's date involved a People magazine photoshoot with scantily clad outfits and under-the-shower makeouts. Samantha couldn't stop giggling, and they returned to the group once again hand in hand, and Sam even had a bouquet of flowers. Joe acted as if Juelia wasn't even there, telling everyone what an amazing date they had, and Juelia admitted to feeling disrespected and invisible. Joe didn't see that he had done anything wrong - "It's not church camp!" - but Jared and Joshua convinced him to go talk to Juelia. Which he barely did, refusing to face her and refusing to apologize. #teamjuelia

The cracks may be showing in the foundation of some of the OG relationships - namely Carly and Kirk and Dan and Ashley S. Carly is super horny and turned on by Kirk, but he just got out of a two-year relationship and isn't ready to jump into things (or jump into bed). Carly gets the date card and rocks a special side-braid just for the occasion. Kirk tries to express his concerns, but Carly is giddy and calls her brother in Ireland on his wedding day (which she missed to be on Bachelor in Paradise. Let's let that sink in for a second.), and Kirk decides to man up and sleep with his woman. Who the next morning he says is "like a pinball machine." Ummmm okay.

Dan won't man up with Ashley S, though - her crazy is starting to show, and he wants out. So they have a heart-to-heart and Ashley is blindsided (these girls are super clueless, no?), telling him without him, she is just going to leave the show. Dan doesn't seem to mind this outcome, and hopes someone new will be arriving.

That someone new is Megan from Chris' season, who is so dumb it's embarrassing. She gets lost (as does her luggage) on her way to Paradise, buying a "sobrero" and a muumuu from a street vendor and announcing "Aloha, Mexico!" upon arrival. Facepalm.

Dan is interested, for some unbeknownst reason, but Megan opts for JJ, and wakes him out of a snoring slumber to ask him on a date. This JJ guy gets a lot of sleep. Just saying.

Speaking of dumb, we have another unfortunately edited scene of Clare talking on her cell phone to...wait for it...the raccoon! Not sure whose pet raccoon this is, but I'm impressed. He handles a cell phone much like he handled the bottle of wine a few weeks ago. Poor little raccoon. And poor Clare - I hope she's getting paid extra to get ridiculed like this.

But back to the Joe-Juelie-Samantha love triangle (I miss love squares!) - Ashley S calls what he did to Juelia "emotional abuse," which might be a tad dramatic, but the guys agree you don't shoplift the pootie of a single mom and widow. (shout-out, Jerry Maguire) They insist he talk to Juelia again and actually apologize. But again, Joe acts like a jerk, finally admitting to a month of social media, texts and calls (!) with Samantha before Paradise. Juelia says she feels used, and as a friend to Samantha, feels obligated to tell her what happened. This switches something on in Joe, and he quickly accepts responsibility for everything and says he's sorry. Amazing what the threat of losing your hook-up can do to a guy.

Samantha has now entered the room, and wants to know what's going on. What happened to Juelia to make her so upset??

TO BE CONTINUED.