Bachelor recap: Start polishing that platinum vagine for Paradise, baby

It was only an hour last night, but it was chock-full of sex and sexual innuendo. Thanks, ABC. (Also, thanks for making next week THREE FREAKING HOURS. Dear lord.)

Andi appears at Nick's door for no apparent reason, except to give herself some air time. Nick mentions a few times that the last time he saw her, she dumped him. Cue awkward laughs. Nick gets how she felt, though, and doesn't want to get engaged just because he's the Bachelor and doesn't want to pick the last one standing just because she's the last one standing. Um, that's the point of the show, but whatevs.

We head to the rose ceremony, and finally Corinne is sent home. She bursts into tears, then falls fast asleep. I have no doubt we have not seen the last of her or her nanny Raquel - see Bachelor in Paradise.

The final three ladies head to "romantic Finland!" Okaaaaay. Not the first place I think of when I think romance, but the reindeer are cool and the snow is pretty and DAMN are those the Northern Lights?? Sold. Raven gets the one-on-one date, and she makes sure to tell Nick that she loves him. And tries to convince him pants don't need pleats. Over dinner, she accepts the fantasy suite card, but informs Nick (and millions of viewers, likely including her sweet deep south parents) that not only has she only had sex with one other person, but she has never had an orgasm.

GAME ON. Nick jumps from the table so quickly I can't believe he didn't spill his drink, and they trudge through the snow to make passionate love spend a quiet evening alone yet fully dressed.

TO BE CONTINUED

And the Oscar goes to...who knows?

The first thing I thought when I heard about the Oscars mess-up: Trump is going to tweet about this now as a "total disaster." We don't need to give him any more ammunition, peeps. I watched the awards show this morning while working out, and here are my thoughts:

Jimmy Kimmel did a great job. Just enough political jokes without beating us over the head with it. The Matt Damon thing is always funny, as are Mean Tweets. And the people from the star tours were hilarious.

Viola Davis is amazing, and so is NASA's Katherine Johnson.

Best dressed: Hailee Steinfeld
Runner-up: Emma Stone (at the show; her after-party look was terrible)

I'm sure everyone cares what I think. You're welcome.

Tell Buffy and Mitzi I'll meet them at the club

Well, I did it. I joined a damn country club. It's really the first one I've ever belonged to, although I grew up going to T Bar M (because my dad worked there), but that was more of a tennis club than a country club. It's all about the country club, people. The Dallas Athletic Club is right around the corner from my house, and although it has two golf courses, I'm joining for the tennis/pool/athletic facilities. They have live bands and a Fourth of July celebration, plus a wine club (!) and fancy brunches. The day I went to take a tour they were hosting some golf tournament, and I realized THAT was where all the men are. Good grief. It's possible this is what has been missing from my life. Now to buy some sweaters to tie around my neck. Because that's what you DO at the club, duh.

NOTE: I am actually not a full member yet. They are voting in next week's board meeting. And considering I had to submit a photo, letters of recommendation AND get a current member to "sponsor" me, I'm having major sorority rush flashbacks. Good times.

Skipping my Wheaties for a while

As of Monday, I am gluten free. Don't think I necessarily have a gluten allergy, but figured it can't hurt. I don't eat much bread or pasta anyway, and I don't drink beer - no biggie, right? Well, sort of right. I have already had dreams/nightmares that I am eating Frosted Mini-Wheats, only to realize they have gluten and I have to spit them out. Who knew this was in my subconscious?? (I DO love Frosted Mini-Wheats.) I also can't use my regular salad dressing because it has soy sauce in it, and had to buy gluten free soy sauce. But otherwise it hasn't been so bad. Of course, it's only day four.

My new Hollywood BFF

...just kidding. But Joanna Cassidy - of Odd Mom Out and Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead fame - has been liking all of my Instagram posts lately. I mean, WHAT?? But I'll take it. I loved Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead.

Bachelor recap: Nanny Raquel!!

All four remaining girls get a hometown date, much to the relief of Corinne - and much to OUR relief, for that means we get to meet Raquel.

But first up is Raven's hometown of Hoxie, Alabama. They go fourwheelin', get "caught" by the police who ends up being her brother, and make out in what can only be described as a swamp. Ew.

Raven's parents live in a home with a "Go Hogs!" wreath, so you already know what you're getting into. But Raven is shocked to hear that her daddy is cancer free, setting up a tearful yet sweet evening ahead.

Nick next heads to Dallas (shout-out!) to meet Rachel's family, but she first takes him to her mostly black church. It's pretty great - lots of singing and clapping and Nick asks if he should sit or stand. Bless his heart.

At her mother's house, we learn that her older sister is married to a white guy (who looks quite a bit like Nick, just saying), but the conversation always steers toward race. Nick holds his ground, saying he is attracted to the woman Rachel is, not what she looks like.

Nick heads to meet Corinne's family, but she first takes him shopping and buys him a $3000 outfit. He breaks into hives, but she's loving it. And she's loving him -and tells him so. But now we have to meet the family - her dad seems like he could be part of the Greek mafia, and sweet Raquel is part of the family (while serving them like a maid). Her father makes everyone cheers with olives, and tells Nick that Corinne just may be the breadwinner. Opa!!

Finally, Nick heads to Montreal to speed-learn French and Italian, apparently. He first meets Vanessa's special ed class, who are just about the sweetest people you've ever seen. They all make a scrapbook together, and there are lots of "je t'aimes" floating around.

We have to hit Vanessa's family in two parts, since her parents are divorced and don't get along very well (PREACH!). First up is her mother's huge and intimidating Italian family - the older sister says she will hate him if he hurts her, the mother says she wants to protect her, and the brother doesn't want her to get hurt again. Would like to know more about the last relationship, but whatever. They also grill him about living conditions - would he move to Canada? Nick says they haven't really discussed it, which is not what they want to hear. Nick pulls it together to meet Vanessa's dad and stepmom, but the dad is just as scary. He withholds his blessing for a while, making Nick sweat it out, but finally gives it. Nick is relieved to get the hell back to the US - NYC, actually - when freaking ANDI appears at his door.

What the - TO BE CONTINUED

Run, Forrest

I have signed up to run two 5Ks next month. Now, considering I have run a marathon and a couple halfs before, 5K shouldn't seem daunting. But when you literally haven't run in three years, it's a bit unnerving. Odds are good I will pull something/get a blister/have to walk most of it. So instead of training, I'll do just that! Procrastination wins again.

Bless his heart

I am loving the Dan Rather resurgence of late - he's on Facebook, he pops up on TV, and he does a weekly show on Sirius XM. On a recent episode, he started singing. Could he BE any cuter?? But I had to giggle when he closed out the program - it airs on Tuesdays, and he said, "See you next Tuesday!" Which for me brought up the "c" word. Which is terrible. And I'm sure Dan Rather would just DIE if he knew what he referenced. Hilarious.

Bachelor recap: spoilt

In a strange turn of events, the usually tight-lipped ABC confirmed that Rachel will be the next Bachelorette. The rub: she's still on the show as a contestant. Interesting.

In Bimini, Nick pulls himself together and decides to forge on with the show (um, duh). He bonds with Vanessa on their one-on-one date and rubs SPF on Kristina, Corinne and Raven on the group date. Corinne is pissed to be on a group date - she's already thinking about hometown dates and is eager for Nick to meet her family nanny.

Raven opens up about her "daddy" being sick, and of course gets the group date rose. Danielle has a one-on-one and tells Nick her heart is open, and he responds by letting her go. For some reason the producers make her pack her own bags and she gets to make a teary goodbye to the remaining ladies.

Corinne takes this opportunity to head over to Nick's hotel room in her Louboutins and try to seduce him. He turns her down, wisely - he had sex with Caitlyn too early and knows this could be bad idea jeans. She is mortified and traipses back to her own room, rejected.

Rachel has the last one-on-one date, and it is "breezy." They make out, take advice from locals, and she admits she has never brought a white guy home to meet her family. Back at the house, Corinne is freaking out. Her sex panther act did not go well, and she feels like she is probably the one to go home. Nick talks to Chris Harrison and says he knows who is letting go, but there is love for this woman and he is sad. Real tears, folks. He decides to go tell the woman now, instead of putting her through a rose ceremony.

I assume he is coming to send Rachel home, since she's the next Bachelorette, but nope - he says NYET to our favorite Russian, Kristina. She gets a little testy with him - "you didn't give me a chance!" but downs her vodka and heads to the exit limo. Corinne is still nervous - Nick is "very unpredictable" - and doesn't know if she is safe or not. God, I hope not.

TO BE CONTINUED

Even ordered dessert

My boss invited me to a client dinner Friday night at the new Fogo de Chao (although I don't eat red meat, they do have a stellar salad bar). Two other of her direct reports were supposed to come, but when I got there I learned it was just me and my boss. And we were seated at a "romantic" table for two. Hell - closest I'm getting to a Valentine's date. Might as well go with it.

Puke

Sad that we lost to Duke last night; less sad to see JJ Redick in the crowd with a black eye. YES!! I'm sure it was a sports-related injury, but I like to think that some UNC fan somewhere just walked up and punched him. Maybe me.

Hocus Pocus

Got acupuncture yesterday for the first time. (Check that off the bucket list??) It was...weird. Didn't hurt, but the idea that a needle was in my forehead and my ears made it a little hard to relax. Then again, I get Botox and I've pierced my ears multiple times, so that should be no biggie. The lady also told me my body is too acidic, which she was able to assess just by my sticking out my tongue. (I may or may not have bought a pH litmus test online to check if this is complete hooey or not.) Oddly, eating lemons and limes will help REDUCE acidity, which makes absolutely no sense to me, but I'll give it a try because the doctor was from China and seemed to know her stuff. Bring on the holistic medicine and voodoo dolls. Hell - if the sessions weren't so expensive, I might actually go back for another round. Maybe I can just count the next Botox cycle?

I love these so much

http://www.everysecondcounts.eu/

First of all, I learn new facts. Also - Who are these Trump-imitators doing the voiceover?? BRILLIANT. My favorite one is Iran. Who knew they had a sense of humor??

NOTE: Tons of new videos have been added since I checked on Monday. Here's hoping every single country in the world will participate.

Bachelor recap: There's no crying on the Bachelor, but there IS choking

Bachelor Nick is cleaning house: he eliminated 6 girls last night. 6! With this kind of speed, we'll be done in a week. But first we have to get through this week...

Taylor busts in on Corinne and Nick, to let him know he's been lied to. She cites quotes from other girls in the house to build a case against Corinne, but Nick still sends her on her way. (And that's not even one of the six!!)

It's rose ceremony time, and Jaimi, Josephine and Dolphin Girl get the ax. I was sad to see the dolphin go, not gonna lie. Everyone left is thrilled to be off to St Thomas! Bikinis a-go-go!

Nick extends the first date card to Kristina The Russian, and she finally opens up about her painful childhood. She grew up with no food in the house, eating lipstick, was kicked out of the house at 5, ended up at an orphanage and got adopted at 12 to an American family. Damn. Nick is enthralled (as are we all), and she gets the rose. Na Zdorovie! (Totally had to Google that. Thought it was spelled "nastarovia." #fail)

Back at the hotel, Corinne is thrilled to meet the St Thomas version of Nanny Raquel, who is at the ready to fix C a snack, fluff C's pillows and steam C's dress. Guessing this woman is a paid actress, but it's effective. The group date heads to play beach volleyball, and it's a total disaster. No one wants to vie for Nick's affections anymore, no one wants to play volleyball, and once Jasmine shoves Corinne into the sand, it's game over. The women head to their separate corners to cry and sleep (Corinne). Nick tries to make amends in the evening, but Rachel is ready to go at any point, and Jasmine wants to choke him. And physically tries to. Bye bye, Jasmine.

The two-on-one date pits Danielle Boobs against Whitney, a girl I have never seen nor heard speak until this point. But we didn't miss much, because pretty quickly Nick gives Whitney the boot, flying off to dinner with Danielle. Boobs is giddy on the date, admitting that she's falling in love with him and is so glad they are on the same page. One glance at Nick's forehead sweat tells me they are NOT in fact on the same page, and he sits silently for an uncomfortable amount of time before giving her the boot as well. (And that's six, folks!)

The girls back at the hotel are freaking out to see both women's suitcases get wheeled away, and freak out even MORE when a sweaty, drunk, tearful Nick pops in. He says he's worried he won't find anyone, and maybe he can't even continue. And walks out. He is literally a human To Be Continued.

TO BE CONTINUED

Tax free weekend

Because I took money out of my 401K to pay for IVF, I had to pay a ton to the IRS. I figured I would actually go to H&R Block this year instead of doing it online on my own, since it was all a bit overwhelming. At my first appointment two weeks ago, I left owing the government over $3K. But when we realized fertility treatments are deductible, I went back Saturday and will now be receiving a $2K refund! Totally worth the $300 to H&R Block. And I'll probably get audited, but at least I know where to find the receipts. Not in some random shoebox in my garage. #happytaxdance

Unexpected workout 101

My team is picking up some extra duties after a colleague left, and one of those duties is taking charge of the fun runs for employees. About 30 are running the Hot Chocolate Run tomorrow, so I had to go down to Fair Park (50 miles roundtrip from my office btw) and pick up all the packets. And this race offers hooded sweatshirts instead of t-shirts, which are heavier. (This will be important in a moment.)

Besides the 30 that were pre-boxed, I had an additional 8 who also needed packets, so I waited in line for their bibs first. Then had to get into the very long line for customer service to pick up the box. Which weighed 40 pounds and was basically a bulky nightmare. I left it to go into ANOTHER line to get the straggling 8 sweatshirts. Put those over my arm and went back for the box. Now, I consider myself to be in decent shape, but this was too much. I would take 20 steps, then have to rest. It was only 40 something degrees out, but I was drenched in sweat. Heartrate racing. I made it to a grassy patch and decided to roll the box. Which was of course a square, not meant for rolling, but I got a decent rhythm going.

I still had about a half mile walk remaining and my arms were jelly, so a very kind woman insisted on helping me. We found a maintenance guy, who agreed to drive me and my giant box (that's what she said) to my car. I am SO SORE today. It was like the most ridiculous thing I've ever done, and I've told everyone at work that I will not be doing this again. ESPECIALLY since I'm not even running this race!!!

#sorrynotsorry #justsore-y

Never Gonna Give Him Up

You guys. Rick Astley. He's 50 and looks and sounds fantastic. He sang Nat King Cole, AC/DC and Motown, plays the drums like a boss and of course rocked his two biggest hits, "Together Forever" and "Never Gonna Give You Up." I may have a newfound crush. Consider me rick-rolled.

Hi Nana!

I've been getting reminders of my late grandmother lately - "signs," if you will. I was flipping through my contacts on my phone and noticed I still had "Nana" in there with her home number. Not going to delete it, either. And then this morning I wore a sweater that was hers - her name is even stitched into the back like when you went to camp as a kid. I put my hands in the pockets and found a Kleenex. My grandmother ALWAYS had Kleenex. And again, not throwing it away. (I don't think it's used Kleenex, but even still.)