That settles it. Bringing Nana on my next date.

(It certainly seemed to work for Brittney on last night's Bachelor premiere...)

What a trainwreck. Which thankfully was only two hours, as opposed to last season's THREE hour nightmare...

Some additional thoughts:

In the opening sequence, Bachelor Ben is wearing some sort of totally 80s neon orange tank top. We get it - you have muscles. No need to tank it out, my man. His hair is also a bit redonk, but apparently the ladies like it. Or so they tell him.

And oh, the ladies. This episode was so cringe-worthy I had to continuously fast-forward. And I've decided that shows like the Bachelor are ruining men for the rest of us. They see crazy-ass girls acting, well, crazy - no WONDER they want to steer clear or think we're all on the verge of going psycho. (Jenna, I'm talking to YOU.) But back to the ladies:

Courtney, the model : Not all that cute. And kind of dumb. Which means she probably gets picked in the end. Sigh.

Blakeley: A "VIP Cocktail Waitress?" WTF. I did like her dress, though. But the feather earrings need to go.

Emily: Shout-out to UNC - she's a smarty. Although her weird disease rap was...weird. Still, cute. And a Tar Heel. Which should get her to the final four at least. (See what I did there?)

Also liked Nicki, the 26-year-old divorcee (of which she keeps reminding us) from TX.

Jenna: As mentioned before, crazypants. I think I'll have to check out HER blog. You know, to compare notes. She is no Carrie Bradshaw, that's for dang sure.

The chick who rode in on the horse? Lindzi? (Why is your name spelled like that, first of all) Way to set the bar ridiculously high, lady. No wonder you got the first impression rose, and what are the girls on the next season going to do to top it? Float in on a parachute?? (Actually, that would be pretty sweet.)

Shira, princess of power: Did not get a rose, probably due to her "I know everything about wine! Oops, I really don't know ANYTHING about wine!" routine. Smooth move.

The crazy British one, another odd spelling of Lindsay, LYNDSIE: just nuts. And why so many kimonos?

The poor misguided Kentucky girl in the ginormo hat...I appreciate props as much as the next guy, but c'mon. Ben couldn't even see your face.

Monica, the potentially gay cackler: her one-on-one time (with Blakeley, not Ben) was one of the weirder moments for me, and involved much fast-forwarding.

And then there were a bunch of girls who were shown at the rose ceremony and I was like "who is THAT?" "Wait, now who is THAT?" - i.e. the girl with the Miss Whatever sash, "Erika" (seriously, no idea), and the really pretty blonde girl who just waltzed by him without introducing herself. Guess we'll never know, since she got the boot in the end.

And there you have it. A brand-new season of tears and ill-fitting lime green gowns (I'm talking to YOU, Shawn). Can't wait until next week.