Man I love Texts From Last Night.

Exhibit A:


"I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special."

And B:
"I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan."

And finally:

"Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these f-ing horses in a foot race right now."




You just can't make this crap up.