Bachelorette recap: The return of Ashley. And Ashley. And Nick.

Another wild episode without so much as a rose ceremony. I guess they feel the drama is coming elsewhere this season. Can't say I disagree with that.

We open with Kaitlyn about to dump Clint for being a dick (in the bleeped out words of the other guys). Clint makes a good case for himself, saying the other guys are talking sh*t because they're just jealous, and for a second I fear she will be persuaded to keep him around for another week. But luckily she sees through his BS and brings him back inside to say his goodbyes. He immediately goes after the other guys, asking who ratted him out to Kaitlyn. And the one guy we think will defend him, JJ, decides to turn on him and demands an apology from Clint for his behavior. Dang dude. That's your bro. You popped his bacne in the shower. That's cold. They have words, albeit one exchange complimenting each other's wardrobe, and the BRO-keback mountain references resume: "JJ could quit Clint, but he couldn't quit him!" Ba dum bum.

All the other guys see his rejection of his former BFF as a glimpse into who he really is. AKA a total d-bag. They're hoping for a rose ceremony to eliminate the back half of the jackass costume. But Kait is exhausted from the drama so cancels the rose ceremony for the night. Instead, Chris Harrison announces that the group is headed to NYC! JJ is not whooping it up with the other guys, though - he is deep in thought because he's not looking for a boyfriend, fellas. He's looking for a GIRLfriend. Are you sure?

The first New York group date is another embarrassing performance-related excursion, which Kaitlyn seems to favor. This time, Justin, JJ, Ben Z, Corey, Shawn, Tanner, Ryan and Jonathan have to rap battle with Doug E Fresh as a mentor. None of the guys feel very confident, aside from JJ, who always feels confident, even though he doesn't listen to rap but instead broadway musicals. Mmm-kay.The raps are therefore fairly sad, from Shawn showing his impressive six-pack to JJ calling NYC women ho's. Corey impressed, pulling down his pants and pulling on a skullcap to emulate Eminem. Justin claims that his battle with Shawn is like "Gosling versus Matt Damon," which is fairly accurate for Shawn (although I don't see the Matt Damon comparison, sorry), and even references the Notebook, which is probably why he gets the group rose. But wait - who is lurking in the last row of the club but Ashley I (of the famed fake eyelashes from Chris' season) and Nick V (of the famed "why did you have sex with me if you didn't love me" from Andi's season)! Apparently he and Kaitlyn struck up a "friendship" over social media, and Nick wants to vie for her heart. But it's already four weeks in - can she do that to the other guys? They are certainly not thrilled - Shawn makes a valid point about if she's so secure with the fellas she has, why is there a need to bring in someone else - but a smoochfest with Nick (which makes me think it was more than a "friendship" and a weird hairdo sesh with crazytown Ashley S (also from Chris' season - and sidebar, she can't do better than a sad side braid??), Kait decides it's HER show, dammit, and invites Nick to stay. Dun dun DUN.

But there's even more crap happening (including a weird cut to a seeming snowstorm in NYC that mysteriously melts away), because Jared gets the one-on-one date. He looks dapper in his tux, and they share a romantic dinner followed by an even more romantic helicopter ride (take a drink!) over the city. Jared won't comment on the Nick situation, saying he supports whatever she wants to do. Lots of smooching ensues, and Kaitlyn is falling more and more for this goober who writes sad little love poems so gives him the rose.

The last group date is yet ANOTHER embarrassing performance. (Seriously. We get it.) They guys have to audition for Disney's Aladdin on Broadway. Complete with learning a dance number (jazz hands!), acting and singing "A Whole New World" to Kaitlyn. The winner gets to perform onstage with her that night, while the other saps have to go back to the hotel. That's Broadway, chumps. It ain't easy. Ian has some impressive singing chops, but the director feels he is singing too much (?) and they award the prize to Cupcake, who is a little too into the performance for my taste. But he makes up for it by showing his impressive abs in the ridiculous outfit they give him to wear. (I wish MY dentist looked like that!)

Their big debut lasts all of 20 seconds, and they have no lines at all. Nice! But it's a "night to remember" and they end up at the New Year's Eve ball in Times Square. Cupcake gets the rose for his winning portrayal of...whatever the hell that was.

The guys are back at the hotel, just waiting for stupid Nick to arrive. Will they snub him? Will they antagonize him? Will they pants him? Guess we'll have to wait until next week to find out. #seriouslywhatisthedealwiththecliffhangers

We learn over the end credits that Britt and Brady are still going strong and are officially BF-GF. And her bright pink lipstick is on fleek. Not sure I used that correctly.