You know you're a doofus when...

So I've had my car for about 6 months now. FINALLY figured out how to turn down the bass (had to actually look at the manual), and realized it has been cranked up to the highest level this entire time. My poor eardrums. #sodumb

Survey says?

People's priorities crack me up. As a survey company, we send out surveys to our employees often in order to gauge their opinions and get feedback. For example, we send out a global feedback survey after each quarterly Update Meeting. Out of 1300 employees, we tend to get around 110 responses.


And then yesterday we sent out the 70s Day Costume Contest survey to our Plano office. Out of 450 employees, we had 128 responses. Clearly we are focusing too much on business when we should be focusing on "who wore it better?"


Sidebar: the highest response we ever got from a survey was when we asked employees if the infamous dress was blue or white. #priorities

Bachelorette recap: Don't Cry for Me, Argentina

Well, my two faves are gone. And four out of the remaining six look identical, so I guess we know what JoJo's type is.


In Buenos Aires, Wells is the only one who hasn't had a one-on-one (although technically neither has tiny Alex, but he had a 2-on-1 so close enough). He's also the only one who hasn't kissed JoJo yet.  "Ironically," the date card arrives and says "Besame muchacho." So the guys pile on the pressure and poor Wells looks like he's going to hurl. They go to a Cirque du Soleil-type performance, and when writhing around in a pool of water he finally kisses her. She responds with, "You did it!" Bless his heart. But at dinner, all's not Wells that ends Wells, and she doesn't give him the rose.


On the group date, James scores a goal during the futbol penalty kick, but feels ugly and fat compared to the pretty boys on the date with him. And so he decides to use his precious one-on-one time to talk about a poker game he played with Jordan, and how Jordan came off as very "Jordan Rogers." JoJo asks what this means, and JT can't verbalize it very well, but uses the word entitled and celebrity quite a bit. So JoJo pulls Jordan aside and confronts him, and Jordan is not pleased. How dare someone attack his character (although it's probably 100% accurate)?? The date rose goes to Luke, who has such a passionate makeout session with JoJo that I almost had to fast-forward. Dang, son.


The final date is a two-on-one with Derek and Chase. Derek is confident, which doesn't bode well for him. After an awkward threesome tango lesson, JoJo pulls each guy aside at dinner. Derek opens up to falling for her, and their chemistry seems legit. But with Chase, she says she doesn't feel like he's giving anything back to her. So logically she picks Chase to stay and sends a broken-hearted Derek (not ashamed to talk about himself in the third person) home. This makes no sense to me. What DOES make sense? The amazing editing of Derek's limo ride, cutting from him crying to a woman serenading Chase and JoJo with Don't Cry for Me Argentina. CLASSIC.


At the rose ceremony, JoJo balks on sending anyone home and adds an extra rose so Alex and James can stay. Again, this makes no sense to me. Why is tiny Alex still around? He's pissed, though, feeling like they got pity roses, and demands a one-on-one date soon. Oh tiny. So small and so angry.


Until next time...

Dog days

Hosted a baby shower for my brother over the weekend. Fairly uneventful until I tripped over the in-laws' dog and fell onto the table before falling on the floor. And then MY dog pooped on my pants on the drive home. So maybe more eventful than I thought.

Giving new meaning to "splash zone"

When it's 100 degrees in the shade and you don't have a swimming pool, sometimes desperate times cause desperate measures. In my case, buying a $13.99 plastic kiddie pool with Shamu all over it. Not even embarrassed. #heatstrokeisnojoke

Bachelorette recap: rumors and getting struck by lightning while shaving

And we're back. And so is Chad. But his creepy whistle and Titanic-like swipe of the door is very anti-climactic. Basically he interrupts the guys' hilarious eulogy which included tossing his protein powder into the wind. All Chad wanted to do was semi-confront the guys, tell them anyone would react the same way (which all the guys denied), and left, probably sniffing out the protein powder in the woods.


Alex returns, and is hailed by all as He Who Triumphed Over Evil. But clearly tension still exists among the troops. At the rose ceremony, Canadian Daniel and Boxer James F are asked to leave. Daniel complains that clearly this wasn't about looks or body, since his is the best (in both categories). At least his ego didn't suffer, eh?


The remaining guys head to Punta del Este, Uruguay. (Where?? But clearly I'm not alone - none of the guys know where the hell they are, either.)


Wells is hoping he gets the one-on-one date, but alas - it's Jordan. The guys begin discussing this ex football player - from his signature hair flip to the fact that he's clearly the front runner. JoJo and JoJo go sailing, see some seals, and then settle in for dinner. Jordan admits he's falling for her, but she has some questions. She met one of his exes in Dallas - so clearly she knew he was going to be on the show and sought these people out - and didn't hear the best info. Did he cheat? Is he a typical athlete douche? (probably) He isn't too forthcoming, but admits to talking to girls when he probably shouldn't. He blames football for ruining his relationship, but he's not a cheater and he's ready for love! This is good enough for JoJo, and he gets the rose.


Meanwhile, Vinny conveniently has a copy of the latest InTouch magazine, which conveniently includes an article written by JoJo's ex, Chad (a different Chad). Chad insinuates that JoJo is really in love with him and is only doing the show for publicity. I'm guessing this is the first tabloid magazine most of these guys have read, but they all pass it around for posterity (and to please the producers). JoJo is also presented with the magazine and starts to cry WHY ME? WHY CHAD WHY? And tearfully tells the guys that she is in it for (say it with me) the right reasons.


On the group date, JoJo and her suitors go sand surfing, which looks somewhat dangerous and terrifying. Luckily it starts to rain and they move things inside. She has good chats with some of the guys, but Derek (aka John Krasinski - it KILLS me!) is feeling off. His one-on-one date was a long time ago, and he's getting jealous seeing how other relationships are forming. (Again, watch the show before you come on, fellas.) JoJo reassures him with a kiss, and tells everyone she's reassuring him by giving him the date rose. This doesn't sit well with Alex, who for being small sure likes to stir shit up. Derek feels ganged up on by the "clique" of Jordan, Chase, Alex and Robby, and his feelings are hurt, guys. Aw, Jim Halpert.


While this manly date is going on, this is happening back at the hotel:

Jesus.


Robby gets the final one-on-one date in Uruguay, and he is in love he's in love and he doesn't care who knows it! (borrowed from Elf) He tells her as much, explaining that after his bff died, he realized life was short and quit his job, moved away, broke up with his girlfriend of 3 1/2 years, and applied to be on The Bachelorette. This one's for you, bud. JoJo is enthralled by his honesty, so after cliff-diving and trying on fedoras, Robby gets the rose.


Derek is still seething about the high school vibes, and pulls "the clique" outside before the rose ceremony. The guys just make more fun of him and tell him his timing sucks. But it doesn't matter - Chris Harrison announces there is no cocktail party - only the rose ceremony. JoJo gets rid of Vinny Barberino, Grant and Evan (thank god). Most of these guys cry upon exiting. Sounds about right. Next up: Buenos Aires!! Viva Evita!

Ms Fix-it

There was something wrong with my refrigerator over the weekend - some power was on, but some wasn't, and the ice maker was leaking. So I did what every good child of the 80s would do - unplugged it, blew on the cord, and plugged it back in. And VOILA - it worked. Thanks, Nintendo!


Now if only that would work on my dryer. Because the latch broke off right after the refrigerator healed itself. It's always something, amiright?

Is there a coupon for Boring?

I remember fondly the days of purchasing Groupons for concerts and for Botox. (Okay, I still do that.) But now it's more like carpet cleaning and oil change discounts. Ah, domesticity. Sigh.

You have something on your face.

Mosquitos love me, and this whole Zika virus thing has me a little freaked out, so I've been actively trying to coat myself with Off every time I go outside to walk the dog. And yet somehow they find the one spot I didn't get. My ass through my yoga pants. Or this morning, my cheek. (face, not ass) Seriously? Guess I'm going to have to do a full-body/face spray from now on. Thanks, Zika.

Everything revolves around The Bachelor. For better or worse.

Last night's blind date told me he applied to be the Bachelor a few years ago (clearly did not get selected). He said an ex girlfriend even made it to the final two on the show. I excitedly asked who it was, and he said "I'm not going to tell you that! I don't know you well enough." (Had he read this blog and learned what a dedicated Bachelor fan I am, perhaps he would have changed his tune.) This set him off into a very angry place, and he continued to make nasty jabs at me and was just an all-around jerk, so needless to say NOT A MATCH. But definitely a chapter for my book...

ENOUGH.

Lucky for you, there was no Bachelorette on last night, allowing me to get up on my soapbox about the DIRE NEED for gun control in this country. I am so angry and upset I could scream. This has got to stop.

And to my dear conservative friends, here are the common gun lobby arguments and some (hopefully) rational responses:

1. Guns don't kill people, people kill people. Well guess what - people with guns sure can kill a lot more people than people without guns.

2. This is a mental health issue, not a gun issue. Probably true. But perhaps you would agree that a mentally ill person should certainly not be allowed to buy a gun...

3. Gun laws won't do any good. Australia enacted very strict gun regulations in 1996 following the Port Arthur massacre, and they have had ZERO mass shootings since then. Clearly what we're doing isn't working, so why not at least entertain the idea.

4. It's my God-given right. It's in the Constitution. Folks, the Constitution was written back when slavery was around. There was no electricity. It was over TWO HUNDRED YEARS ago. Plus, they had muskets. Not semi-automatic killing machines. At the very least, we must ban automatic and semi-automatic weapons. If you have to have a gun to hunt (I'll get on that soapbox another time), or feel you need a gun at home to defend yourself (I have wasp spray under my bed that does just fine, thank you), so be it. But no civilian needs an AK-47. Ever.

5. Cars kill more people than guns do. (Literally saw someone comment on a friend's post yesterday with this one.) That may be true, but I don't think people go out and buy cars with the intent to kill.

Many of my friends are parents. I can't believe any of you could be okay with the current state of society! If I had a child, I would be terrified to send her off to school. Or to church. Or to a movie. We need stricter background checks. We need to ban semi-automatic weapons. And we need to come together to see that these restrictions aren't taking anything away from our lives, they are in fact SAVING them.

#micdrop

#letthefacebookdefriendingbegin

If you build it...

Habitat for Humanity was awesome. Hot and long and hard, but awesome. (that's what she said)
We were on site from 7am-noon, and at 8:30 I thought it had to be 10:30 by now. My group was in charge of "trim," which I was hoping meant paint but actually meant measuring and cutting pieces of plywood and using a nail gun (!) to put them up around the house. At one point I even had to get up on the roof and hang upside down. But it was so rewarding - the roof wasn't there when we started, and was completely finished when we left. Plus the fact that the "foreman" who works for Habitat was so hot, I have already signed up for another shift. (Hey, whatever it takes, right?) I kept trying to strike up a conversation with him, and he kept looking at me like "get back to work!" Sounds about right.

#lifesaver

CPR/AED class complete! Posting a second blog today because I'm participating in a Habitat for Humanity build tomorrow and won't have access to a computer. #volunteerism


I last took CPR in high school when I was a lifeguard, and let me tell you - things have changed in 20 years. Instead of the ABCs (airway-breaths-compression), it's now CAB. Instead of 15 compressions and 2 breaths, it's 30 compressions and 2 breaths. (quite a workout, actually) And even the Heimlich maneuver has changed! Now you push in and up at the belly button! WHO KNEW.


I did enjoy the fact that they play "Stayin' Alive" while you perform CPR on your dummy, because the beat is correct (as is the message). Way to keep things fun, American Heart Association.

Breaking news: Berlin Wall came down!

So I thoroughly enjoyed the CNN series The Sixties, as well as The Seventies. Imagine my sheer joy at learning that The Eighties was airing! However, each week something seems to happen that CNN deems more newsworthy than watching Madonna writhe on the floor to "Like a Virgin," and I keep recording it only to find an extra hour on Trump. Or an earthquake. (At least the earthquake is newsworthy. Hey-oh) And they're not really re-airing the episodes that don't get shown. Sadness. Stupid world events. I kid, I kid. Sort of.

Bachelorette recap: It's not all blueberries and paper airplanes, guys

Can't write a super long recap today as I have a 6-hour CPR training to get to, but here's the gist:


Pool party. Chicken fights. JoJo makes out with Jordan but he makes her nervous. Evan gets a nose bleed. (Not from Chad.)


Rose ceremony. JoJo wears a crop top ensemble. Chad gets the last rose. Santa gets sent home (so do Ali and Christian).


New location - countryside, PA. Luke gets a one-on-one involving a dog sled with no snow and a wood-burning hot tub that proves too hot to handle. They attend a concert and embarrassingly dance and kiss in front of everyone. Luke opens up about his sensitive side and snags the rose


Group football date. Wells surprises me with his athletic prowess. James Taylor needs stiches (not from Chad). Evan gets a nose bleed. Jordan's team wins (duh). The MVP also scores the date rose.


Two-on-one date: Alex v Chad, aka Good v Evil. Alex throws Chad under the bus, telling JoJo about how he threatened to find Jordan after the show and keeps asking guys "wanna go outside?" Chad admits to this behavior and says he was pushed into it - but thankfully JoJo sees that he is missing at least one screw and sends him home.


The guys are ecstatic - noisemakers and cheers - but somehow producers let Chad and his creepy whistle tune which will haunt me forever find his way back through the wilderness and back to the guys' house. Creeper.


To be continued.




BUT WAIT. Derek is my new favorite. Anyone else notice that he looks exactly like John Krasinski??


http://www.bustle.com/articles/165537-derek-jim-halpert-memes-jokes-prove-bachelorette-fans-will-never-tire-of-their-similar-looks

Bachelorette recap: It's Chad's world, we're just living in it

Oh, Chad. Why you gotta be such a douchebag, man? And why you gotta eat sweet potatoes like this:

But I'm getting ahead of myself. We open on the guys back at the TP-ed house, and bros Chad and Daniel are discussing the benefits of working out and counting calories (incorrectly, I might add). Chris Harrison brings the first date card and then has to clean up the TP. Score.


The first one-on-one date is for Chase, and he and JoJo proceed to a very awkward tantric yoga session which has become a staple of this show. JoJo admits she has never mounted a guy on a first date before, but still straddles him and they lock eyes for an eternity. They also learn what an "angergasm" is. I almost had to fast-forward through the sheer embarrassment of it all. I guess his breath didn't stink being that close to him worked, because later in the evening Chase got the rose.


The group date card arrives, and Chad says he would rather not go. The guys look at him in shock - no he didn't! - but Chad explains that he doesn't want to go on a date with 12 other dudes. He'd probably rather stay in the gym. Jordan suggests that Chad can't spell, and Chad responds that Jordan is a failed football player who has done nothing with his life other than throw a ball. Ooooooh.


It gets even more awkward when we learn that the group date is at a show called Sex Talks, in which people get up and tell stories about their sex life, and all the guys have to get up there as well. How mortifying - and why doesn't JoJo have to participate? Evan tells Alex that he's going to talk indirectly about Chad to show his true colors, and little Alex is beside himself. We see a few snippets of the Sex Talks, including some tales of being 16 and horny and an embarrassing tale involving the alphabet (I'll leave it at that). Evan gets up and provides a "cautionary tale" on steroids. By throwing in the word "naggy," it's clear to everyone that he's talking about Chad. As Evan goes to sit back down, Chad grabs his shirt and pulls him down before asking JoJo to join him on stage. Not feeling this whole date, he says he doesn't want to focus on the past, but rather look to the future, and tries to kiss JoJo. She turns away and it becomes a rather humbling kiss on the cheek. Mic drop. (Literally.)


Chad punches a door and says he wants to kill someone, which doesn't bode well for the rest of the evening. He keeps trying to steal her away from other guys, and finally succeeds, telling JoJo that a little kid shouldn't try to beat up a bully. JoJo responds with "don't be a bully!" Chad admits he didn't want to go on the date. She doesn't know what to think about this, but then Evan mans up and steals her away to provide an ultimatum: it's him or Chad. You must decide! For some reason she gives Evan the rose and a kiss, which makes me squirm - he's so smarmy! Upon announcing this decision to the rest of the group, Chad interrupts with "is this for real?" The guys can't believe he would do this, but Chad can't believe she would be interested in Evan. Veins popping. So many popping veins. And JoJo is not impressed.


Back at the house, Derek is Chad's roommate and feels so unsafe that a security guard now roams the mansion, keeping tabs on the non-bully bully. Chad's buddy Daniel is finally starting to sense that being his friend might not be good in the long run, so has an amazing conversation with him in which he calls Chad Hitler, Donald Trump, Mussolini and Bush (in order of terror, according to a Canadian). Feel free to draw what conclusions you like from that.


James Taylor and JoJo are busy learning to swing dance from an adorable old woman, complete with shoes, hair and makeup. They perform their routine outside with a bunch of other dancers, and James couldn't be more excited/sweet. Later, he admits to being called Luke Long-neck growing up, and doesn't see himself worthy of a woman like her. This pulls at her heartstrings, a makeout sesh ensues, and he gets the rose.


The next day, Chris Harrison arrives to announce no cocktail party, but instead an all-day pool party! The guys are psyched, aside from Chad, who doesn't need to see JoJo in a bikini - he can tell through her clothes how she looks - and doesn't want the other guys seeing her, either. RED FLAG! RED FLAG! Evan follows Chris out the door to discuss how uncomfortable he feels around Chad. Harrison asks to speak to Chad, who blows it off by saying he was pushed, he wasn't the pusher. Chris knows this is a lose-lose, so tells Chad he needs to go inside and make it right with the other guys. How very Liftetime TV of him. Chad wants to cut off everyone's arms and legs and throw torsos in the pool. Should make for a fun pool party, no??

To Be Continued...

Damn acronyms

With the passing of Muhammad Ali (RIP, champ), I kept seeing posts that mentioned #goat, #ripgoat, GOAT. I was like, "man, that's a rude thing to say about someone who just died." Until it dawned on me that it stands for Greatest Of All Time. Clearly I'm not the sports enthusiast that I claim to be. And now that I know, I'll be on the lookout for BOAT (Bravest Of All Time), COAT (Coolest of All Time) and MOAT (Man Of All Time). #rhymingiscool

Stripes and stripes forever

So my dog is strutting around in her new collar and leash from Henri Bendel, and I think we're in the wrong neighborhood for that now. If I was still living in Uptown, we would still be old, but at least somewhat hip and happening. In my current 'hood, no one gives a rat's ass. (Actually, no one probably gives a rat's ass in Uptown, either.) I guess I'll just enjoy it for myself - because damn it's a cute collar. So there.

I guess beggars CAN be choosers

This month is our Month of Volunteering at work, and yesterday a group of five employees went to The Bridge to serve lunch to the homeless. Apparently one man did NOT like the fact that the sandwiches were served on whole-grain bread, and threw his entire tray in the trash. Perhaps an example of ultimate hunger hanger??

Dr's orders

Only I would take a clean bill of health from last week's skin cancer screening as a go-ahead to lay out over the holiday weekend. That IS what the doctor meant, right?!