Bachelor in Paradise recap: the calm before the storm

Chris Harrison welcomes us back to Mexico - but where is everybody? No cast. No crew. No Jorge behind the bar (we'll get to that in a minute). Ah yes - production was halted due to some "inappropriate behavior" between DeMario and Corinne. But somehow the reality gods looked down upon ABC, because the show continued, and we got to see the first few days BIB (Before Inappropriate Behavior). YASSSSS.

First to arrive is Raven, and she's over being Nick's runner-up and is ready to find love in a hopeless place. Hell - it worked for Jade and Tanner. And Evan and Carly. Why not Raven and (insert dude's name here)?

Next up: Dean, fresh off his break-up from Rachel. All the ladies love cool Dean and those baby blues. Sigh. (NOTE: he is all of 25. Snap out of it.)

Danielle M saunters in, looking 6 feet tall, and then comes Ben Z. who talks to Raven about all the dogs he's ever owned. Bless. Iggy arrives and is weirdly excited to see Dean - they even do the jump-straddle typically reserved for Bachelorettes. Kristina, Jasmine, Jack Stone ("not a serial killer") and Shark-Dolphin Alexis arrive next (and yes, Alexis is in costume. Really getting her money's worth out of that thing.).

DeMario comes in hot and incessantly blowing a whistle, but not everyone is thrilled to see him (i.e Raven, who flat-out asks if he's single). He tries to win her over by saying he's really there to be the wingman for the "awkward homie in the corner who doesn't know how to relate." (Um, like yourself?) Sigh.

John Krasinski look-alike Derek arrives, as does his show rival tiny Alex, plus Corinne, who is ready to make Paradise Corinne again. Great. She's also been learning Spanish, and knows the words for "nap," "cheese pasta" and "champagne." (I guess "Raquel" is "Raquel," so we're good there.)

Dean and Kristina have a quiet moment, bonding over their messed up families. And their perfect smiles.

More new arrivals: Lacey, Vinny, Diggy, Matt (in a penguin suit - cue Alexis!), Nick (in a Santa beard - cue the psychologist!) and Amanda, who arrives and returns her engagement ring she got last year in paradise from Josh. Not sure why she continues to do this to herself, but later we learn she was rejected by Raya, the "celeb" dating app. Ouch. Paradise it is!

Taylor is back, and doesn't want to talk to her archenemy Corinne. So instead she'll wear shorts that are basically underwear and bonds quickly with Derek, who proves he's a man and can build a fire.

Corinne and DeMario hit it off immediately (hmmm) and take things into the pool - Corinne still fully dressed and drunk by 4:30, according to the play-by-play commentary of Alex (who clearly has nothing else to do).

Chris Harrison gathers up the group for a sad announcement - Jorge is leaving to pursue his dream of starting Jorges Tour-ges (YES! I am on board with this idea!), and Wells will be our bartender from here on out! The women are handing out roses this week, and Kristina gets the first date card. She chooses Dean, and they hit it off over dinner and folklorico dancing.

Danielle M is bummed - she liked Dean - but while spilling her guts to her "good friend" Wells at the bar, I see a future for these two Nashville kids. Just saying.

Lacey and Iggy start to bond, but Nick gets too drunk for Jasmine so she makes out with Matt instead. (Thankfully in Paradise there are just extra make-out partners in spades.) The next morning, Lacey learns her grandfather has died, so she has to leave, leaving Iggy without hope of getting a rose. Robby arrives with an odd new hairdo - people keep touching it and talking about it, so it's clearly odd not just to me - and a date card. After briefly chatting with a few of the ladies, he asks out Raven, which bums out Ben Z. (But he DOES miss his dog, so if he has to go home there's a silver lining.) Robby thinks the date went great, but Raven isn't feeling it. She doesn't want to go out with a guy with better hair/teeth/abs/Instagram followers than her - she even made a secret drinking game for every time he touched his hair. I still believe he may be gay, and this kind of cements it for me.

Matt gets the next date card and asks out Jasmine. They go to a drag club, and Matt agrees to be drag-ified into "Virginia." Jasmine loves it.

It's do or die time before the rose ceremony, so Ben Z decides to make one more play for Raven, and luckily he's a better kisser than Robby! Taylor and Derek are also smooching, and Danielle M and Jack Stone seem to be getting along...

But then the shit hits the fan, with cameramen ordered to stop filming as producers grab Corinne and DeMario. TO BE FREAKING CONTINUED