Bachelor in Paradise: it's getting coconuts

God this show is a beatdown. Becca talks Colton off the ledge, and he decides he has gotten the closure he needs to stick it out (or IN, heh) in Paradise. Bring on the fresh meat!

Jenna arrives and I have no clue who she is. Her hair is pink and she says she's an alien, so that helps. She's annoying, so of course she's perfect for male model Jordan. He ditches Annaliese and they go on a date involving horseback riding and making out.

Caroline arrives and is so nervous it's hard to watch. She pulls Grocery Store Joe aside but then has to pee, and never comes back. She ends up asking out Venmo John (yay!), and they get along well even though she is easily distracted by local animals, who she likes to name. Alrighty.

Jubilee arrives, also asks out John (my man!), and they both admit to being geeks. We finally hear John admit he founded Venmo, and it means he must have a TON of cash. My man!

Crystal tells Kenny he's in the friend zone so she can pursue Chris, who of course just got finished telling Tia not to feel insecure - no matter what new woman arrives, he is here for HER. But he is entranced by Crystal and wants to kiss his first blonde, so he does. This guy is not even cute, people. Not sure what's going on here. Colton finds out about this and tells Tia, because he doesn't want to hurt her. You know, aside from the other day when he told her he wanted to play the field.

Tia is pissed, y'all. She marches over to Chris and -

UNTIL NEXT WEEK!