The Bachelor: "Mean-muggin'" and like 8 girls named Ashley

The premiere of Sean Lowe's Bachelor season did not disappoint. I gaped. I gawked. I fast-forwarded through the awkward parts. Let's dive in, shall we?

We're re-introduced to Sean (and his abs), and gosh if he doesn't seem almost perfect. He fell in love! He loves kids! And did I mention those abs! (NOTE: I have never heard the word "hunk" mentioned more than during this episode.) But before we meet the 26 amazing ladies vying to rub their fingers along said abs, Sean has to have a very weird mano a mano talk with his "best bud" (although they haven't seen each other in like a year), Ari. (Ari beat out Sean for Emily's affection on the Bachelorette, only to be snubbed in the end by Jef one F.) Sean and Ari discuss how to properly kiss a girl, how to break up with a girl, and how to say "will you accept this rose" with the emphasis on each syllable. Good stuff. And very random.

Bring on the ladies. I'm going to go in alphabetical order because that's how I found them on the website and so help me I can't remember their names. Except the multitude of Ashleys.

Amanda: GIGANTIC smile. Her first meeting consists of an awkward silence, which she insisted upon creating. Which made it even MORE awkward. Status: IN.

AshLee: Foster kid who likes things organized and really might have OCD. IN.

Ashley H: She kind of reminded me of a glammed up Nikki Minaj. And maybe Sean felt the same way, because she didn't get a rose. OUT.

Ashley P: The "50 Shades of Gray" chick who brought a gray tie in her cleavage. Also see: drunk. Crazy booty dancing by herself. Amazing montage as the end credits rolled. But alas, OUT.

Brooke: She was soooo silky when she met him. Then rarely seen again. IN.

Catherine: Super cute, didn't say much. IN.

Daniella: Meh. IN.

Desiree ("call me Dez"): Works at David's Bridal. Thought for sure she was the one wearing the wedding dress out of the limo - but no. It was someone else. IN.

Diana: A very old-looking "30" - which actually read 31 on the screen - mom of two. Atta girl. Hideous outfit, however. IN.

Jackie: Pulled lipstick out of her cleavage and gave him a big smooch on the cheek. (which the next chick wiped off with a tissue she pulled out of HER cleavage! What gives with stashing stuff in your cleavage??) IN.

Katie: Yoga moves. Om. IN.

Kaycie B: Yes, you read right - she's baaaaaack! And I couldn't be more excited. I freaking love her. Front-runner for me for sho.

Kelly: Overly tanned, obvious hair extensions, and bless her heart she sang him a song. (I fast-forwarded. Too embarrassed for her.) OUT.

Keri-ann: OUT. I really remember nothing about this girl except she travelled very far to meet him. Oops.

Kristy: The token model who calls herself the "best in the midwest." We'll see, Kristy. IN.

Lacey: Gave him a piece of lace to remember her by. Guess he didn't. OUT.

Lauren: Said she was joking about her Italian mafia family breaking his legs if he broke her heart, but perhaps Sean didn't think it was too farfetched: OUT.

Lesley: Miss DC political consultant. Who doesn't like geeks or politicians. Hmmm. IN.

Leslie: This girl is sassy. And a poker dealer! IN.

Lindsay: Ohhhhh Lindsay. SHE was the one who wore the wedding dress and veil. SHE was the one who kissed him on the lips (as he tried to dodge). SHE was the one who wished she was more sober. SHE was the one who made him dance their first dance. And somehow, SHE was IN. (This has to be the one the producers make him keep for the entertainment value, yes? Although she was fairly prevalent in the scenes from the rest of the season...)

Paige: She was a superfan on Bachelor Pad 3. And she is a Jumbotron operator!! As cool as that is, OUT.

Robyn: Semi-embarrassing entrance: falling on her face while backwalkover-ing over to Sean in a long evening gown. IN.

Sarah: Cute, has only one arm but we're not going to dwell on it...IN.

Selma: She reminds me of Ashley Greene. Apparently used to date Mike Napoli (!). IN.

Taryn: The first almost-breakdown of the show, she says through tears that she doesn't fight over guys. Um, does she know what show she's on?? IN.

Tierra: Got the first rose (although so did like 11 other girls, apparently). Was very excited in the pre-show interview to learn it was Sean. Including on an escalator. IN.



 So there you have it. Sean breaking the rose ceremony rules, drunk girls running around, even some tears. Not bad for episode one.