Bachelor in Paradise recap: All's Wells that ends Wells

Caila is leaving and Jared is sad. And mad - at Ashley, who claims she sabotaged the relationship to help him, but that's as fake as her eyelashes. In a bold move, Jared says adios to Mexico and leaves with Caila. (UPDATE: apparently they dated for about six weeks, she met his parents and they are no longer together. #istillblameashley)


In more bad news for Ashley, Wells and Jami return from their date holding hands. And in MORE bad news, an adorably-dressed Lauren H and potential Russian spy Shushanna (both Ben's season) arrive with double date cards. "Shu" goes in for the kill and invites Wells. Damn, Wells. Ladies Love Cool Wells. Lauren asks Brett (lamp guy), and they have a foursome surf date, complete with makeout sessions - even after Brett says "I brought my beetches to the beaches." (cue eye roll) Wells compares Shushanna to a sexy Bond villain. I love this guy.


In other news, Amanda and Josh are back to being solid as a rock - she's in it to win it, against all practicality. He should be a great influence on your two young daughters - good call.(cue eye roll)


Next week's two part finale promises multiple proposals. Tears. Heartbreak. And Ashley crying. (cue eye roll)


I did find the last shot of Brett slamming the lamp against the rocks to be a bit odd. Drunk? Angry? Anti-electricity? Intriguing.


AND we learn that Nick is the next Bachelor. So I'm guessing he and Jen don't work out...

Bachelor in Paradise recap: Ashley I puts the I in EVIL

We once again open with Ashley I crying. I feel for Jared, since most of the time she's crying to/about him, but it seems he may be the only one who can understand her through the sobs. Apparently she's not only distraught about Jared/Caila, but also her dead dog Lucy, who she prays will send her a man. And Lucy, bless her, delivers - in walks Wells!


Everyone loves Wells, so much in fact that they force Ashley on him and what choice does he have but to ask her out for tacos. Or as Wells says, to "taco bout it." Love him. She wipes away tears and is actually excited about this. Jared is VERY excited about this. Over tacos, the conversation leads to music (Wells is a DJ in Nashville). He says his favorite band is the Talking Heads. Ashley says she knows who they are because she took a History of Rock and Roll class. Sigh. And who is HER favorite band? Hanson, of course. (Hate to hear what her favorite movie is. Actually, I really want to know.) Wells asks if she's serious, but luckily they are interrupted by a stray dog, and their mutual love of dogs leads to a kiss (clearly Wells learned not to wait so long like he did on the Bachelorette). Let's just hope the music discussion stays on the back burner.


Lace tries to push Grant away by flirting with Carl (?), but Grant loves her and won't let her go that easily. They fight, she cries, and of course they make up. They're GRACE, after all. Amanda heads to sleep and tells Nick and Jen they can use the room with the fan (a hot commodity - literally). But Josh is pissed - he and Amanda are sleeping there, and he put the fan in the room for them! He even goes so far as to wake Amanda up and thanks her for the "good talk." What a charmer.


Carly and Evan are falling in love with each other, which is odd to me because she literally vomited after kissing him, but hey. Who am I to judge. Canadaniel drags a lamp over to chat with Izzy, but she's giving her rose to Brett (the original lamplighter), sorrynotsorry. The twins throw a wrench into the rose ceremony when they announce they haven't found love and are leaving, which means Canadaniel, Carl (?) and Ryan are leaving too. And they don't even get the dignity of an exit SUV. The twins have one final play before they depart, though - they talked to Nick about their Josh/Amanda fears, and Nick told them he certainly has aggressive tendencies (duh). Andi's book comes up yet again, and I'm sure her publishers are relishing this free publicity. I mean, I want to read it now! The twins tell Amanda to be careful, the book is true, watch out for him, and Amanda begins to cry. She is now starting to have doubts - why would her best friends lie to her? Josh senses doom and swoops in and forces her to talk, even though she doesn't want to. (Nice) He is pissed, packs his bags and must find out who is responsible for potentially ruining his two-week relationship! Everyone gathers on the beach (after he commands them to do so) and Nick fesses up that he's not sure Josh is here for the right reasons (the magic phrase!). After all, a book just came out making Josh look not so great, and here he is in paradise coupled up with "America's sweetheart." PR campaign, perhaps? Josh is pissed (again), packs his bags and somehow convinces Amanda that he's a good guy and all of the red flags are just jealous people. Alrighty.


The next morning, everyone sleeps it off except Wells, who is hanging by himself at the pool when in walks Jami (Ben's season), who was hoping Wells would be in paradise. How fortunate that no one else is around, and they start chatting about broadcast journalism and she asks him on a date before anyone else is even awake. Everyone is nervous about how Ashley I will take it, but she's fine - she's not worried about it. In fact, she'll use this extra time to drag out her ginormous makeup trunk and put on her face. Red lipstick and all. 


Jami and Wells have a great time in matching bathing suits, and Wells is in awe of her Batman tattoo and kisses her. Wells done, sir. Ashley is clearly not doing "fine" and starts to unravel (again), this time telling Caila that she can't make out with Jared in front of her and can't trust Caila (who she has called a backstabbing whore several times now). Caila tears up and decides she is done - she can't get to know Jared with his ex around, and frankly it's not worth it. She tells Jared she's leaving because of Ashley.


This can't bode well. To be continued...

92 years young

Today is my Nana's 92nd birthday. She's moving into an assisted living facility today (helluva birthday present) but broke her hip and has been in rehab for the past four weeks. I got to see her last weekend, and as usual she was full of (unintentional) one-liners.

• She sleeps with her Keds on - "just in case"
• She is afraid to turn on the "black box" (aka television) because she kept it on once and it woke her up in the middle of the night
• We asked if she had made any friends in the rehab facility, and she said not really - "it's a bunch of little old ladies!" (um. okay.)
• She introduced one of the nurses as her "lover"
• She told another one during physical therapy that she would "cut her throat" (twice)

Ah, classic Betty. She's certainly one of a kind. (And I'm sure the nurses are relieved.)

 

Getting trashed

While in Colorado, my mom told me we were going on a trip to The Dump. I thought she meant the furniture outlet, but no. She meant the actual dump. Landfill. Giant pile of garbage. (To be fair, this wasn't just a fun outing: my mom is moving, so has a lot of crap to get rid of.) I tried to shake off the sign directing people with "animal carcasses" to the right as we drove past the giant pile of tires and mountain of refrigerators (too bad there was also a sign saying "no scavenging"). We finally pulled up to the trash heap to toss our trash, and almost got crushed by a falling red couch. Plus I saw a half of a sandwich and gagged. Hopped back in the car - no more trips to the dump for me. Please and thank you.

Winter is coming...

Watched my first two episodes of Game of Thrones over the weekend (my mom and brother are obsessed). My thoughts:

• Violent
• Gory
• Lots of sex/nudity
• Peter Dinklage = win
• Love the wolf/dogs
• Kind of want the dragon eggs to hatch

That about sums it up for me. Since I know I won't be watching more episodes (it's not my scene and I don't have HBO), I made my mom fill me in on the past six seasons. Poor thing talked for like 45 minutes. But I'm all caught up - and I finally get some of the references people make on FB. #worthit

Bachelor in Paradise recap: she'll cut a bitch

Izzy makes it (un)official with Vinny, who decides to bail on Paradise altogether. So Izzy cries. And Ashley cries (again) over Jared and Caila getting picked by Jade and Tanner (the prom king and queen of Paradise) to go on a romantic date. Ashley keeps trying to get in Jared's head - she will just DIE if they go to the fantasy suite - and finally Caila confronts her - like "back off my man, bitch!" Ashley isn't particularly scared off, which doesn't bode well for the future of Jaila.


Carly and Evan get a date card just in time - Carly is only about 50% interested. But throw in a sweat lodge and some detoxing, and BOOM - back on the Evan train. Whatever. These two are weird.


And there's some weirdness brewing with Lace and Grant, because she won't say "I love you" back. Ohhhhh hell no. Also not looking good: Jen and Nick, who tells Tanner he's going to punch him in the nuts for saying "third time's a charm!"


Why do I watch this crap. Someone please tell me.

Bachelor in Paradise recap: a yes or no answer. Or yes. Or no.

Coming back to work after a few days off means totally slammed and sadly I don't have an hour to recap BIP. So here's an abbreviated version - I think you get the gist.


Ashley I cries. A lot. (And yet somehow her fake eyelashes don't budge - impressive!) She's in love, Jared's not (at least, not with her), and she fears she's getting kicked off the island. Which is kind of true - she and poor Sarah don't get a rose since Canadaniel opts for the twins (one of whom - honestly can't tell them apart - plants a kiss on the Canuck for luck and clearly it worked). But Ashley refuses to leave this way, and somehow convinces the remaining couples to let her stay. Poor Jared is devastated - kind of puts a damper on his budding relationship with Caila.


And so does the appearance of Brett and his (magic?) lamp, from Kaitlyn's season. He came here for Caila, and asks her out. She says yes. And then says no. And then says yes. And then says no. I'm about to start fast-forwarding - this shit is ridiculous. If you like Jared, stay. (Since she apparently only likes him 75%, she agrees to the date.) Which turns out to be a double date on a booze cruise with one of the twins (seriously, no idea) and Carl. Who no one can remember. Best line of the night: Carly admitting she can't remember his name: "Kevin? Carl! CARL! Same as me."


But Caila returns and chooses Jared, much to Ashley I's dismay. (Because she's over it, but she's not really over it.) Izzy decides that Brett is her dream guy (with or without the lamp), and breaks it to Vinny that she is going with looks over substance (since she has barely spoken to this guy), because that's what you DO in paradise, peeps.


In other news, Grant tells Lace he loves her and some new guy I can't remember asks one of the twins I can't remember on a date. She wears short-shorts and they go horseback riding and all I remember thinking is ouch.


More tonight...sigh

Back in my day, we had to walk a mile to school uphill in the snow - each way

Scary thought: if I were for some reason asked to speak to a class of high school sophomores (just go with me here), in talking about myself I would probably include when I was born. And to them, I would be someone "born in the 1900s."  Because they were born in 2000 and up. Dear god. DEAR GOD.

Bachelor in Paradise recap: There's no crying in Paradise. (Unless you're Ashley I)

Ashley I has arrived - she claims Jared is her boyfriend who won't touch her (although apparently they have gotten to second base). She loves him and can't get over him, so she is here to tell him, dammit. (As if he doesn't already know from last season, but whatever.) And hell if he is still just not that into her. And is in fact into Caila, who Ashley (tearfully) confronts:
A: "You said you weren't coming to Paradise!"
C: "I only decided two days ago."
A: "You said Jared wasn't your type!"
C: "But then I talked to him."
A: "I'm done with this!"
C: "Finally."


And poor Jared is just so uncomfortable with this whole situation - thanks producers - but talks to Caila to make sure having his psycho not-even-an-ex-because-they-never-dated in paradise could be...distracting. (duh)


Since Jared is unavailable, Ashley decides to ask out Canadaniel, who is intrigued by the fact that she's a virgin. And goes so far as to ask the camera (thankfully not Ashley herself) if perhaps she wants some Canadian bacon. Ohhhhh lord. And then she is whisked off by a tribal dance group as if they're going to sacrifice a virgin. Weirdest date ever?


Nick is still bummed about the moaning twins (Josh and Amanda), but thankfully Jen (from Ben's season) shows up and asks him out. They have a very flirtatious, innuendo-filled yacht date where we learn that dolphins are the only mammals to have sex for pleasure. You know, aside from humans. #thanksjen


We next need to check in on the "patient," Evan, who is told by the doctors that his ankles are swollen and he needs to go to el hospital. He decides to once again use this as an opportunity to spend time with Carly, who sees him in a more normal (read: not weird) light, and is back on the Evan train - toot! toot! (sad - I think she's just nervous about not getting a rose.)


And it is indeed almost time for the rose ceremony. Ashley gets some tough love from Nick - "he doesn't love you. He will NEVER be with you!" But chooses to ignore it (bad idea!) and go talk to Jared directly (great idea!). But the convo is super confusing - she tells him she loves him and how can she ever find another him, but in the same (sobbing) breath, says she came to paradise to meet someone else. Poor Jared. Poor, poor Jared and his crazy ex whatever she is.


To Be Continued...

Bachelor in Paradise recap: moany moany (sung to the tune of Mony Mony)

Seriously grossed out by Josh's moaning. He moans when he makes out with Amanda (which is ALL THE TIME). And while Evan pries her from Josh's lips for five minutes to try and win her affections with his sad little makeshift date card and date (but obviously doesn't), Josh moans while eating pizza. (And then quickly goes back to making out/moaning with Amanda again.) I seriously can't.


But because sweet Amanda cried as she let Evan down easy, he stupidly thinks he has a chance. Bless. Meanwhile Daniel shaves Vinny's back and *I* moan. Chris Harrison arrives to remind everyone about the rose ceremony, and Josh sweats profusely. (cue moaning) Christian tries to seal the deal with Sarah, but Canadaniel interrupts. And is himself interrupted by a bee who stings his chin (although Canadaniel says it tried to impregnate him, eh?). He finally kisses Sarah, who seems less than enthused.


Also less than enthused? Josh, who is once again making out with Amanda and is once again interrupted by Evan, who decides Amanda needs to know about Andi's tell-all. Josh decides Evan needs to know what's up, and sticks with his "it is a fictional novel" story. To which Evan responds, "then why don't you sue for libel?" BOOM. But Josh is all "god knows the truth" and "I wish her peace" and Evan sees right through the BS, calling him out on being "too polished."


Nick takes this opportunity to also talk to Amanda about Andi's book, admitting that it's most likely true since he's in it too. Amanda is, like, conflicted. Why can't this, like, be easy?? Josh assures her that he's honest, though, so that totally counts. Sometimes I wonder why I watch this show.


Rose ceremony time!
Lace to Grant, and they will now be known as "Grace" (which they anoint themselves)
Izzy to Vinny, and they will now be known as "Vizzy" (which Lace anoints them)
Emily to Jared
Amanda to Josh
Sarah to Daniel (bye Christian)
Carly to Evan. Which is odd since she dumped him, but he's ready to sneak back in the once-slammed door. Okay, creeper.
Haley to Nick, because he "deserves love." Just not with her. (bye Brandon, whoever you are)


The next day, Caila arrives. The guys are stoked, and the girls are jealous of Becky with the good hair. (She DOES have great hair.) She chats with Nick, who is definitely interested, but clicks with Jared, who is even more interested. She asks out Jared, who says yes but first has to talk to Emily, since they recently swapped spit. Emily knows she's prettier - duh - but is still intimidated by Caila. But with that whole "if you love something, set it free" philosophy, she lets Jared go out with the sex panther herself.


Caila changes into a very low-cut off-the-shoulder top because that's what you wear when horseback riding on the beach, duh! Her boobs almost fall out the entire time, which is very distracting for me and very exciting for Jared, who is in lust love already. They smooch on the beach and quickly decide not to be interested in anyone else (sorry Emily).


Back at the house, Canadaniel drinks water out of Vinny's belly button and powders his back because that's what you do up north, eh? The first double date card in BIP history arrives for Grace and Vizzy, and they are stoked! They booze it up at dinner and fawn all over each other, then head to the next logical stop: foam party at Senor Frogs! Lace says lying on the floor of a bar in Mexico with a guy's crotch in her face reminds her of high school. YES.


Carly and Sarah are bored so decide to invite over their fake beaus, Evan and Canadaniel, for a double date of their own. They booze it up, try a drinking game where you drink whenever Canadaniel says something Canadian, and Evan even tries to do a push-up with Carly sitting on him because the dude has no shame. Or game. At the end of the night, Evan goes in for a kiss but Carly denies him, but then medics are called because they can't get Evan to wake up. Yet moments later when Carly comes to check on him he's just fine, but needs a chaperone to watch him. Clever. Carly isn't falling for this- until she is. And now they're making out. Because she digs weird. And he is definitely weird.


A forlorn Nick sits on the beach as Amanda and Josh turn off the lights and we are treated to shots of flowers opening, a train entering a tunnel and fireworks. Oh, and moaning. Of course moaning.  And then Amanda tells Josh "you're so sweaty." Thanks, ABC.


The next morning we're still treated to the gross antics of these two, as Josh drops his bagel between his legs. And points at it.

 Sigh.


It's too calm and happy in paradise - time to stir some shit up. Enter Ashley I.


To Be Continued...

#thericker

I never watched Silver Spoons growing up - guess I was too young (although I did appreciate the cuteness of Ricky Schroeder). It's randomly being shown on cable and I caught a few episodes - mostly just to enjoy the uber 80-ness of it. (There's a character who dresses like Boy George!)


But an episode yesterday caught my eye - it was from 1985 and Ricky was chatting with people on his computer - even met a girl that way. Holy early-stage internet dating, Batman. They called it "grocking," which makes no sense, but I had no idea that kind of technology existed back then. (Granted, I was 8 at the time, so had little knowledge of anything computer-y except maybe Atari.) Learn something new every day. Thanks, reruns.

I like big butts. And I cannot lie.

We had The Original Butt Sketch Artist come out to the office yesterday and for two hours people (mostly women, let's be honest) lined up get their backsides drawn. I used to do this at bar mitzvahs in 7th grade, but honestly didn't know "butt sketching" was still a thing (or was EVER a thing). But of course I got mine done, and dammit if it's not my goal butt. Might put it on the fridge so the next time I reach for a fudgesicle, I think twice. (And then eat it anyway)




Sidebar: My new favorite Olympian. LOVE HER. Simone is clearly an Olympic champion name. And I predict 5000 baby girls will have this name in 2017.

What would Ryan Lochte do

God help me, I still love Ryan Lochte. I know he's dumb as a post, makes bad fashion decisions (the grills! that white hair!), etc., but he is a beautiful specimen. (And not a bad athlete.)


I mean.

Bachelor in Paradise recap: Lions and Eagles and Pigeons, oh my

Binge-watched three hours of Bachelor in Paradise, and I think I need a shower. Here are the lowlights:


Chad does finally leave, and while chomping on deli meat (and admitting the women weren't "vibing my meat tastes") in the exit van, asks "I can't be the Bachelor - what am I going to do now??" He blames the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol, but then pours a hefty tequila shot and raises a Grinch-like eyebrow to the camera. Why do I feel this is not the last we will see of The Chad. Dammit.


It's much calmer in paradise - too calm, perhaps. Enter Leah from Ben's season. She lied and threw Lauren B under the bus, but arrives with much fuller lips so that must mean all is forgotten. She is ready to hand her date card to Chad, but learns he has said adios to Mexico so has to settle for second best: Nick. (Please note that Nick being second best is a recurring theme that we aren't done with just yet.) Amanda is sad because like, she like LIKES Nick, but she gets her revenge when Nick gets his own date card later that day and asks Amanda out. This causes Leah to purse her now-giant lips in annoyance. She didn't buy these babies for her health, you know!! Nick clearly has feelings for Amanda, and it seems to be mutual (although hard to tell with her tiny romper and baby voice). Leah isn't afraid to tell Amanda that they look alike and wear the same shade of makeup. But Nick flat-out tells her he's giving his rose to Amanda, so Leah turns to Canadaniel who is weird, but she likes weird. (Quick shout-out to Leah for bringing - and blowing up - the giant swan float. Viva!)


In other news, the twins eat bananas, Lace and Grant solidify their relationship (and by that I mean sleep together and get busted by the cameras), and Carly has been spending time with Evan, although she wants a man's man and Evan is certainly not that. He finally kisses her, and while fireworks are going off for him and little birds are chirping around his head, she's not feeling it. At all.


But at least she's promised a rose, while Jubilee and Leah get the boot. Jared decides to give his rose to Emily/Haley, and Canadaniel the "eagle" swoops in and saves Sarah since Vinny picked Izzy. Lace and Grant, Evan and Carly and Nick and Amanda complete the paradise pairings.


But Nick is always the bridesmaid, never the bride - because here comes Josh Murray! You may remember Josh as the one Andi picked and got engaged to, dumping Nick at the altar. Obviously the engagement didn't last, Andi wrote a tell-all which Josh vehemently denies, and after appearing on Famously Single (sadly I watched that crap too), he's in paradise and has his sights set on Amanda. She accepts his date card request, and they (literally) sail off into the sunset and return as a full-fledged couple, making out (and ew - moaning) right in front of Nick, who really might lose his shit. How much can one guy take, anyway.


Carly is avoiding Evan like the plague, which of course means he gets a date card and invites Carly to join him. And just her luck - they are participating in a world record challenge for longest and hottest kiss - after eating habanero peppers. He's gropy, she's grossed out, and after a nasty chain of spittle between them, they do in fact break the record. And Carly runs to throw up. She is not amused and has to tell poor Evan that she just wants to be friends. But he LOVES her, guys!


Meanwhile Lace thinks "agua" is spelled wrong, and Emily works her feminine wiles on Jared, with the following scintillating conversation: what's your favorite color? what's your favorite number? Somehow this ends up with a smooch, but I just continue to feel bad for Jared on these programs. Poor doofus.


Time for some new blood - enter Christian (JoJo's season)! He asks around and everyone (except Amanda, according to Josh) seems available. So he uses his date card on Sarah. This doesn't sit well with Canadaniel, because he's an eagle and everyone else left is a pigeon and that just wouldn't work, eh? Christian and Sarah go ziplining and rappelling and Christian is impressed by Sarah's moxie. They smooch (of course they do), but back at the beach house Sarah tells Canadaniel she did think about him while out with another guy. She says the word "weird" about a million times when describing him and her feelings towards him, but that seems to be fairly common and he's cool with it.


Enter Brandon. Who?? Apparently he was on Desiree's season, but even Chris Harrison had no idea who he was. Newly single Carly is very interested, but dammit if the twins don't catch Brandon's eye and he asks Haley out. She decides to be 6 and pull the ol' twin switcheroo on him during dinner. Although he claims he can totally tell the difference, he totally can't. This could spell the end for Braley. Meanwhile twin Emily has one beer and is hammered. Where do they FIND these people.


A brokenhearted Evan decides it's time to move on - to the clearly taken Amanda. He heads over to the couch where Amanda and Josh are moaning making out and says "Hey guys." And we're left with an ominous To Be Continued. Damn you paradise!

At least I'm getting used to having an IV

Didn't get around to watching Bachelor in Paradise this morning because I was at the ER (again). But don't worry, I will watch tonight and recap it tomorrow. (thank god, amiright) Woke up at 2am with horrible stomach pains, then started throwing up. Worried it was either remnants from last week or appendicitis, I drove myself to the ER around 3am. And managed to hit every red light. Awesome. I begged off morphine since I had driven myself, but soon regretted it as the hours passed. But by the time I got my (clean) ultrasound results, I was feeling back to normal and went home around 7:30am where I turned around and went to work. Should be a fun day when I fall asleep at my desk around 2pm. And if you're counting, this makes two trips to the ER this year and both times I was sent home with a clean bill of health. Perhaps the next trip I make should be to the MENTAL hospital. Sheesh.

I'd settle for rose gold

How fun are the Olympics? Even with the poisonous water and the riots and Zika and the general chaos of Rio, the events are so exciting and the athletes are so inspiring. Seriously - the muscles on the female swimmers and gymnasts? INSANE. I may or may not be adding 100 crunches to my daily regimen. I watched that horrific bike crash yesterday, and saw the male gymnast who broke his leg - so heartbreaking to get that close and get hurt. Then again, they got farther than most of us will ever get, so there's that. We kicked off our office Olympics today with a torch run through the building, and I followed along with a laptop playing the Olympic theme song and encouraging chants of "USA!" (not many takers at 10am on a Monday, but shout-out to the three people who participated). After that sad display of non-athleticism (literally, it took 8 minutes), I am clearly not in Olympian shape. Guess I have four years to fix that. #tokyo2020 #archery?

Warning: Personal post below

38 was always my cut-off age - clearly not getting married, and not getting any younger either, so better focus on creating an heir pretty quick. And that's what I've been doing since January - trying to hop on that baby train. After 5 rounds of IUI (intrauterine insemination, for those not familiar with fertility lingo), I finally got pregnant in June. However, it wasn't a keeper and I had a miscarriage this week.


Going through all of this alone has been hard, but some of my close friends have been amazing - checking in on me every day, offering to take me to the doctor, etc. I know it sounds cruel, but sometimes it takes something like this to make you realize how lucky you are.




Just wanted to provide an explanation for why there haven't been more funny dating stories this year (been focusing on different things, obvi) and why there won't be more blog posts this week (taking a few days off - this week has been hell).






But don't cry for me, Argentina - I am ready to try again and this time I'm bringing out the big guns - IVF. (I didn't really need my retirement money, right?) Unfortunately I have to find a new doctor, because the one I used for IUI won't perform IVF on single women or same-sex couples. (Seriously?? It's 2016. But I digress.) I started an entirely new blog to document this journey, but figured it was time to come clean. Here's hoping the next time has a much more positive outcome.

Bachelor in Paradise recap: it's all fun and games til you poop your pants

The cheesy opening for this show is back, and I kind of love it. It's so bad it's good, unlike Chad (or "The Chad," as the opening credits say), who's just bad. But I'm getting ahead of myself.


We start with a few quick introductions: the Twins are here (Hayley and the other one), and they get to operate as a unit like Ashley I and her sister did last year. Dumb. (And so are they.) Nick Viall is back as The Runner-up, and Chad is bringing a bunch of protein powder to Mexico, natch. Crazy Lace is back with a vengeance, as are her hair extensions. (Sorry - hair doesn't grow that fast.) Canadian Daniel (aka Canadaniel) is packing his maple leaf speedo and is ready to represent, eh?


The first to arrive in paradise is single mom Amanda, who loves her daughters so much she keeps leaving them to go on dumb reality shows. (I kid, I kid.) Nick arrives and quickly asks Amanda if she's ever made out in a thunderstorm. Smooooooth. Jubilee (army vet) and Evan (erectile dysfunction dude) arrive next, and Jubilee is waiting for someone special to arrive. Evan thinks Amanda is hot but is more concerned that Chad is coming. Good call bud.


Vinny (hairdresser) and Carly (who got dumped in grand fashion last year in paradise but clearly has nothing else going on so decided to give it another go) show up next, and Grant (firefighter) and Canadaniel, who so far is not impressed with the "fruit" and hopes something succulent will show up. (Can't make this stuff up, folks)


And cue the twins! Canadaniel perks up but after high-fiving one twin, the other twin says "she doesn't like high fives." Unfortunate, eh? Izzy (onesie) arrives and has a very awkward convo with Canadaniel about Evan and making babies and her being 25. Probably not a love match. Lace and her extensions arrive, and Grant announces that she's crazy and good luck to the guy who ends up with her, but then turns around and starts putting the moves on. Guess we blame the margaritas? Sarah (one arm) is also back, announcing to Chris Harrison that she'll keep returning until she gets engaged. Oh Sarah. You can do so much better.


Jared arrives, and that's who Jubilee has been waiting for. Cue the emoji with the heart eyes. But some of the twins like him too - could be trouble in Paradise! Finally, Chad shows up with appropriate cheesy editing - glasses breaking, animals growling, your basic shift in the universe.  Chris Harrison asks Chad if he's here to show the real Chad. Chad says he doesn't need money or fame. He's not going to say he's in love because the show tells him to. The Chad will be The Chad, dammit. So get on board.


Lace does get on board, and she and Chad begin a whirlwind angeromance that involves slapping, yelling, kissing, humping and eventually Chad goes too far, saying he wants to tie her up on the railroad tracks and repeatedly calling her a bitch. He then calls Sarah a one-armed bitch and it's ON.


But first, back to the actual point of this show - the dates. Jubilee gets the first date card, and eagerly asks Jared out. He accepts, and they dine amid a literal plethora of piñatas:

Seriously WTF. This gives me a headache. And then throw in a creepy clown who squeaks when he talks and thrusts his hips way more than I needed to see, and I'm out on this date.


Back to The Chad. Lace is suddenly over being bad-mouthed (weird - thought she liked it), and moves on back to Grant. Chad is hammered and no one wants to deal, so Canadaniel decides to step in and pacify the beast. But Chad starts talking about murdering everyone, and accuses Canadaniel of being "unmurdery" (how dare you sir) and passes out amongst the crabs. Apparently he pooped his pants, and wakes up in the morning naked in bed but can't understand why. ("Where are my pants?") Chris Harrison arrives, recaps the night (including saying "you told the hotel staff to suck a dick!") and announces that Chad has to go. Chad can't understand why (again). But he's not being glib, because he doesn't know what that means. He was only joking, and the only person who might be offended is "Army Armerson." Ummmm you think?


Chris isn't kidding, and tells Chad it's time to go. But Chad isn't going without a fight. He throws his $200 sunglasses into the bushes, kicks off his flip-flops and says "f#$% you" to the crabs and to Chris Harrison. (the horror!) He tells Chris he doesn't know what went down because he doesn't watch the show - he drank a mimosa and went to bed in a robe 100 miles away! Chris keeps his host cool, saying "you're just making it worse for yourself" but Chad keeps at it, saying Chris and producers are making him look like a bitch. Dude, you're doing that just fine on your own. We leave it with a To Be Continued, and hopefully next week we will get to see Chris Harrison finally bitchslap someone. A very deserving someone.

Bachelorette recap: least dramatic finale ever

We all knew it would be Jordan, didn't we? From the beginning? (Esp because I still believe Robby may be gay.) But JoJo still shed many many MANY tears on last night's finale - Robby or Jordan? Facial hair or future man bun? (I can totally see Jordan having one.) Her family preferred Robby, and immediately that put JoJo on the defensive. Clearly a sign she preferred Jordan. But only Robby asked for her parents' blessing. Big no-no, Jordan. And when pressed on the subject by JoJo, I didn't feel like he gave a very valid explanation. Something about not being 100% sure if he was her pick. And not sure what he would do on engagement day. WTF dude. This would have been a major red flag to me, but JoJo likes the idea of JoJo and JoJo (and of course being in-laws with Aaron Rodgers). Jordan does in fact give the Fletchers a call and gets their blessing, and is able to send JoJo a note telling her so. Robby sends her a note as well - I guess this is a new thing we're doing? As is getting photos taken on each date...odd.


JoJo puts on her best long cream dress to get engaged, and adds some very sparkly high heels. Clearly no one tells her she will be standing in the sand, and the rest of the episode she's barefoot. Guess the stylist needed at least one shot of the shoes to get them for free. JoJo is distraught (again), but has to go with her gut in the end. So although she tells Robby she loves him, she tells him not to propose - her heart has always been with Jordan. Robby is confused and crushed, and decides to lend his name to a line of handkerchiefs and fancy socks.


Jordan proposes, JoJo says yes, he picks her up and swings her around, Bachelor-style. At the After the Rose special, JoJo finally decides to change up her hair and rocks a messy ponytail. She and Jordan are happy, engaged, and moving to Dallas together. They have weathered the tabloid storm and claim to be stronger because of it. I give them about 6 months, but good luck kids.

Go granny go

My grandmother, who turns 92 this month, fell and broke her hip Saturday night. But she made it through the surgery like a champ, even becoming nice and violent towards her caregivers at the hospital, pulling out tubes and screaming "Can someone just take me to the damn bathroom?!" (Explanations about her catheter fell on deaf ears.) She's already up and walking (with a walker), so she's going to be fine. And probably live to be 115, with that attitude.