Bachelor in Paradise recap: There's no crying in Paradise. (Unless you're Ashley I)

Ashley I has arrived - she claims Jared is her boyfriend who won't touch her (although apparently they have gotten to second base). She loves him and can't get over him, so she is here to tell him, dammit. (As if he doesn't already know from last season, but whatever.) And hell if he is still just not that into her. And is in fact into Caila, who Ashley (tearfully) confronts:
A: "You said you weren't coming to Paradise!"
C: "I only decided two days ago."
A: "You said Jared wasn't your type!"
C: "But then I talked to him."
A: "I'm done with this!"
C: "Finally."


And poor Jared is just so uncomfortable with this whole situation - thanks producers - but talks to Caila to make sure having his psycho not-even-an-ex-because-they-never-dated in paradise could be...distracting. (duh)


Since Jared is unavailable, Ashley decides to ask out Canadaniel, who is intrigued by the fact that she's a virgin. And goes so far as to ask the camera (thankfully not Ashley herself) if perhaps she wants some Canadian bacon. Ohhhhh lord. And then she is whisked off by a tribal dance group as if they're going to sacrifice a virgin. Weirdest date ever?


Nick is still bummed about the moaning twins (Josh and Amanda), but thankfully Jen (from Ben's season) shows up and asks him out. They have a very flirtatious, innuendo-filled yacht date where we learn that dolphins are the only mammals to have sex for pleasure. You know, aside from humans. #thanksjen


We next need to check in on the "patient," Evan, who is told by the doctors that his ankles are swollen and he needs to go to el hospital. He decides to once again use this as an opportunity to spend time with Carly, who sees him in a more normal (read: not weird) light, and is back on the Evan train - toot! toot! (sad - I think she's just nervous about not getting a rose.)


And it is indeed almost time for the rose ceremony. Ashley gets some tough love from Nick - "he doesn't love you. He will NEVER be with you!" But chooses to ignore it (bad idea!) and go talk to Jared directly (great idea!). But the convo is super confusing - she tells him she loves him and how can she ever find another him, but in the same (sobbing) breath, says she came to paradise to meet someone else. Poor Jared. Poor, poor Jared and his crazy ex whatever she is.


To Be Continued...