It's official: Sean and I are NOT a match. (I'm sure he's devastated.)

I consider myself to be adventurous and fun-loving, but I would not eat bugs and swimming in a pitch-black cave sounds TERRIBLE to me. So clearly, no rose for Sarah. And it's possible I'm not as fun-loving as I thought. But I digress.

The final three - AshLee, Catherine and Lindsay - head to Thailand (during rainy season, apparently) for one-on-one dates with Sean that end in the fantasy suite. (I would say "hey-oh" here, but Sean is a born-again virgin so what's the use.)

Lindsay states the obvious: "Thailand isn't anything like Fort Leonard, Missouri!" and gets to eat bugs and feed monkeys, but can't quite get the "L" word out. Cut to dinner in front of Thai temple parade floats (which, I'm sorry, looked more like tacky Christmas light displays to me) and traditional Thai dancers, and she finally squeaks out "I love you" in her annoying baby voice in the fantasy suite. Seriously - this girl BUGS. (And not just because she ate some - hey-oh) Sean says he can see her as his wife. Oof.

AshLee is up next and gets the cave swim to a "private beach." That private beach was so disappointing - "I swam in the dark for THIS?!" - but AshLee trusts Sean and looooooves Sean and feels safe with Sean, blah blah. She is hesitant about the fantasy suite, but shrugs it off and proceeds to tell him WHAT KIND OF ENGAGEMENT RING SHE WANTS. COMPLETE WITH RING SIZE. Ohhhh no. Kiss of death, Ash.

Last, Catherine gets her one-on-one, and lucky for her, there are no crazy dares or dangerous adventures - just a nice sail around the bay. (Until the lightning and thunder started, but whatever.) Sean's been missing Catherine and her weirdness (and her nose ring?) all week, but wants to make sure she's in it for the long haul. Would she move to Dallas? Yes! She is "totally over" Seattle. How convenient! She accepts the fantasy suite invite after a long and rambling explanation, and tells Sean how hunky and beefy he is. But that's not the ONLY reason she likes him. Phew.

On the day of the final rose ceremony, Sean ponders his situation. Shirtless. It seems he already knows who he's sending home, but Chris Harrison makes him (and us) watch the video messages from each girl. It's clear AshLee will be getting the axe after he can't even look at her during her sobbing video message. Oh lord. This is NOT going to end well.

And sure enough, it doesn't. If looks could kill, Sean would be dead about 18 times. AshLee gives him a death stare and doesn't even wait for Chris to tell her to say her goodbyes. She's outta there. Tells Sean NOT to follow her, but he does, and She. Just. Stares. At. Him. Amazing. She doesn't cry in the limo, either - at least, until the producers coax it out of her - all in all, one of the best "eff you" exits in the history of the show.

Next week, FINALLY, the women tell all, and then we get a freaking THREE HOUR finale. God this is a waste of my time.

I would also like to note that Burning Love, a Bachelor spoof on E!, is the best thing ever. Watch it. Just watch it.