Howdy, folks

Made it to the State Fair of Texas this weekend - hadn't been in a few years, and had a free ticket, so figured what the heck. I'm proud to say that I made it out of there only having spent $20. (Well, plus $5 for the train to get there.) Considering the Diet DP was $5, I think that's a pretty impressive feat. Granted, I don't eat any of the fried crap they serve out there (chicken fried bacon! deep fried pecan pie! etc.), and don't ride the rides because I fear they were constructed in about 15 minutes by a carny with no teeth. Speaking of carnies, I also won two hats in the midway, thanks to some generous friends (thought one was an octopus; turns out it was a squid that sort of looks like a penis. But I digress.).  Perhaps I should write a book: How to Get in and out of the State Fair on $20 or less.
Hell - I'd read it.

How am I not on IMDB?

As I have probably mentioned before, I lived in LA in 2000 and was an extra on a few TV shows. Most of those were crowd scenes, and therefore it's hard to ever find myself. But on one show, Popular (which aired on the then-WB), they asked for volunteers to have their hair sprayed weird and to blacken in a tooth. I knew this meant screen time, so raised my hand. (Turned out it was a scene from a podunk high school in Tupelo, MS - no offense, Mississippians.) It's still tough to see me, but my ridiculously blonde hair is hard to miss. (having trouble getting the picture to rotate. apologies)

It ain't easy bein green - or hitting your ball there

Survived the golf course, although I was ready to quit after 9 holes (really after 6, but who's counting). The team bailed after 15 because it was taking forever and we had to go back to work. I wasn't very good, but I did hit one from the tee directly onto the green, allowing us to par a hole (look at me with all the lingo!), and a few times mine was the lead ball that we all used for the next shot since it was a scramble. But let's not get ahead of ourselves - there was lots of whiffing and divot replacing and cursing. I sort of want to take lessons now. So that's two new sports I have decided to take up in 2015: surfing and golfing. Sure, why not.

And thank the lord, there were bathrooms.

I can't believe it's not putter

Playing in a charity golf tournament today. The fact that I have never played actual golf (doubt Top Golf counts) doesn't bother me. Nor does the fact that I don't own golf clubs or golf shoes. And really don't even own a proper collared shirt to wear. (I do randomly own three golf gloves, however - so there's that.)

My biggest concern: how do you go to the bathroom?!

Stay tuned.

Step right up, folks!

Trying to come up with a State Fair-themed contest for employees to win the reserved parking spot, I of course thought of Guess My Weight. Allow employees to submit guesses, and whoever got closest without going over would win. I wouldn't ever reveal the actual number, of course - but I guess the winner could potentially blab about it to everyone. I figured it wouldn't make it past HR, but surprisingly they loved the idea. But the more people I told, the more people said no one would actually have the balls to send in a guess. So we went with a lame quiz about the history of the Fair. Boo. Maybe I'll start trying to grow a beard by next year and at least people can pay to see the bearded lady.

Grocery store woes

Why do I always get the one cart at the supermarket with the squeaky/broken/ridiculously loud wheel? And by the time I figure it out, I'm too lazy to go back and get another one. So I'm stuck barreling through the aisles, sounding like a freight train and pretending not to notice all the other shoppers staring at me.

And ANOTHER thing: what gives with the self-service line? It would be so much faster if it didn't say "an associate has been notified to help you" every time. I did what the voice told me - I scanned my item and put it in the bagging area! Why does an associate need to verify this?! Or why do you think I removed my item from the bagging area? I respect the bagging area. Good lord.
 I remember when the biggest dilemma at the grocery store was paper or plastic.

#firstworldproblems

The one with the flashbacks

Today marks the 20th anniversary of the premiere of Friends, and even though I have seen every episode at least 20 times, I still love it and laugh out loud. I also can relate daily experiences to an episode of Friends - like Friday, when I got my teeth whitened, I thought about the one where Ross gets his whitened and they glow in the dark. Greatness. Here, some of my favorite Friends moments:

When Joey says it's a "moo point - like a cow's opinion, it doesn't matter. It's moo."
Joey trying to figure out air quotes.
Phoebe changing her name to Princess Consuela Bananahammock.
The one with the lightning round, where we learn Monica's nickname was "Big Fat Goalie" and Chandler's father's show is called "Viva Las Gay-gas."
Kathleen Turner as Chandler's dad.
Chandler telling Phoebe "it's not Spiderman. It's not his last name - Phil Spiderman. It's Spider MAN."
Chandler being stuck in a box for Thanksgiving.
Brad Pitt coming to Thanksgiving dinner.
Monica dancing with a giant turkey on her head on Thanksgiving.
Fat Monica.
And of course, "we were on a break."

Long live Nick at Nite reruns.

Maybe I should donate my body to science.

Watching The Biggest Loser is really an excellent diet - I feel guilty snacking while it's on, and I get motivated to work out instead. (Side bar: some of these people lose over 20 pounds in a WEEK?! Dear lord.)

But I guess I'm doing something right - giving blood yesterday, they gave me a mini-physical. The average resting heart rate is 60-100. Mine was 53. And the average blood pressure is 120 over 80. Mine? 97 over 63. Which actually sounded too low to me, but the nurse didn't bat an eye so I guess we're good? Or else I'm dead inside? Either way.

Day o' Health (followed by a Day o' Vanity)

We're having a health fair today, so I'm giving blood AND getting a skin cancer screening. (Both in neighboring mobile units parked outside our building.) Then tomorrow, it's all about me: teeth whitening and Botox. (Hopefully NEITHER of these will take place in a mobile unit.) Gotta balance out the selfless and the selfish. Though the selfish usually wins out. #sorrynotsorry #wellmaybealittle

Clearly, subliminal messaging works (buy me a present)

At least two friends on Facebook posted yesterday that there were only 100 days until Christmas. I scoffed at the time, then went home and watched Elf. So I guess there's something to that whole subliminal messaging thing after all. (Buy me a present)

Always bet on pink. At least, I do.

First, let me say it's a sad Tuesday without a Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor Pad/Bachelor in Paradise recap, but we'll have to push through it.

I have been thinking about driving out to Winstar casino to see a performance, stay the night, gamble a bit, then come home. (John Legend for NYE, anyone?!) I started giggling watching a commercial for the other nearby casino, Choctaw, last night - it was hyping up the place, showing the bright lights, the showgirls - and then at the very end the voiceover talks about what to do if you have a gambling problem. #irony

Get outta my dreams, get into my car

I hate car dealerships. Ironic, since I used to work for one, but if I could avoid them, I would. However, I bought a three-year free tire rotation/oil change package with my new car, so if I know I'm getting something for free, I will suck it up and go. I needed an oil change plus my Sync system was no longer working, so I went out there bright and early last Saturday morning. The service tech didn't instill a lot of trust when he messed up writing down my VIN # and had to get another piece of paper. Then told me he didn't know how to fix Sync since it was not a Ford dealership, but there was a lady who did know but she wasn't there that day. I asked if she didn't work weekends, and he replies that she did but just hadn't shown up that day - "must have gone out drinking." Ummm. So I decided to still get the oil change and he said it would take an hour. Two and a half hours later, the car was finally ready and I went to get my keys. The cashier said it would be $45. WTF - I told them I had a warranty and she called my trusty service guy over. He said he couldn't pull up internal info - of course only the missing woman could - but thank god they let me leave without having to pay. After three unanswered messages on the woman's machine, I finally caught her by dialing the 800 number. Turns out she doesn't know how to fix Sync either, so I had to go to another dealership. And they were 1000 times better - no warranty with them and they didn't charge me, plus it only took 5 minutes. May have found myself a new car place. #atlast

Because the lime makes it healthy. (Fruit.)

There's no reason to be concerned that tonight will be the third night in a row that I go out and drink margaritas, right? That's a completely normal, red-blooded American girl thing to do, yes? Doesn't raise red (green and white) flags for anyone, does it? Okay, great. That's what I thought. Viva!

Not even sure I could add this to the DVR

In what has to be the worst name ever for a TV show, Caroline Manzo from Real Housewives of New Jersey is getting a spin-off called "Manzo'd with Children." Oooooof. Bud Bundy just rolled over in his proverbial grave.

Get out your tiny violins, people.

We're in the process of planning our office holiday party - which is going to be AMAZEBALLS, especially thanks to this awesome band I found, The Space Rockers - but turns out I'll be in Cabo that weekend for a wedding. #firstworldproblems

Bachelor in Paradise recap: I literally have a gun to my head writing this. Literally.

(that's a shout-out to Michelle Money, who said deciding if she wanted to keep seeing Cody IRL - in real life - was like LITERALLY having a gun to her head. Um, no sweetie.)

It's finally over, people. And what a ridiculous finale it was. We are promised no more rose ceremonies (well, except for that final rose one), no new people (well, except for the appearance  of three "successful" couples from Bachelordom past), and no more date cards (well, except for the overnight fantasy suite dates that everyone gets). Basically, Chris Harrison lied to us.

But even before that chaos, the six couples left must decide if their "relationships" can survive outside of Paradise/Clare-a-dise/Sarah-dise (might be the last time I get to use this). AshLee feels certain she and Graham are in it for the long haul, and she wears rope around her head and bracelet-ring combos, so she must be in tune to emotions and stuff. Michelle doesn't believe her, so tells Graham to dump her. And he does. Graham is weak. Or Michelle is jealous. Something doesn't really add up here, but Graham and AshLee part ways. Apparently so do Zack and Jackie and Christy and Tasos, although they had about 30 seconds of screen time total. #supportingcharacters

So we're down to six. Counting the number of people left is very important to Chris Harrison. And to this guy:

 

 

 

All three final couples (Marcus and Lacey, Michelle and Cody-Code and Sarah and Robert) get an overnight date to once again assess if their relationship can stand the test of time. Holy pressure cooker, ABC. All three have romantic escapades - except Sarah and Robert, apparently. Sarah spills that Robert went right to bed - in his jeans. C'mon man, you can't at least wear boxer briefs to bed? Sarah isn't going to hurt you...until she tells him it's not working out and they are dunzo. Robert cries into his shirt (aw!) saying he was trying to take things slow and is completely blindsided. Sarah worries in the exit limo if it was just one bad night and she ruined a good thing? Pooooor Sarah.

 

Lacey and Marcus are as hot and heavy (and tan) as ever, cementing their relationship once Lacey too said the "L" word. She's so dumb, I'm surprised she got it right. And Michelle and Cody have strengthed their bond - and Cody's body, which is looking larger than life. They are now boyfriend-girlfriend, thanks to an emergency call by Michelle to her lifeline, 9-year-old daughter Brielle, who tells her mom to chill. If he treats you nice, keep him around. Duh, mom.

 

But the ridiculous "tests" aren't quite done for our fearsome foursome - Desiree and Chris, Molly and Jason and Catherine and Sean show up for some lightning round quizzes and tough questions. I can't take Sean seriously because he looks like such a goob:

 

 

Seriously, guy - unbutton a button. And buy a bigger size - those sleeves look tiiiiiiight.

 

We finally make it to the rose ceremony. Michelle and Cody accept each other's roses and ride off into the sunset so he can do more chest presses using her body as a dumbbell. (Seriously - why.)

 

And Marcus starts to sweat profusely before asking Lacey to go outside with him - will he dump her in paradise?? Nooo - he is proposing, of course! They've known each other for a few weeks, and he was still in love with Andi when he arrived, so a marriage proposal makes perfect sense. She says yes, everyone cheers, and we are DONE with another crazy season of this show. I did giggle seeing Juan Pablo and Nikki on previews of "Couples Therapy," and giggled again hearing Chris Harrison say "Do you want to date America's hottest farmer?" promoting the next Bachelor season. He better make BANK to say that kind of crap.

 

#bringonthefarmer



A "screech"-ing halt

So I finally got around to watching the Unauthorized Saved by the Bell movie this weekend. And sort of wish I hadn't. What a waste of time (and this coming from someone who religiously watches The Bachelor!).  The only things I learned:

• Mark-Paul Gosselaar's mom is Indonesian (aka his blonde hair was NOT natural, no big surprise there)
• Zack and Lisa Turtle had a thing!
• Jennie Garth was almost considered for the role of Kelly Kapowski, who she would later hate (as Valerie) on Beverly Hills 90210
• Screech smoked pot and drank his nerd troubles away
• Brandon Tartikoff rules (and after I IMDB'd him, learned that Punky Brewster was named after a girl he liked in grade school AND her dog Brandon was named after him. Mind blown.)

Now unfortunately watching the Brittany Murphy Story. Why, Lifetime - why?!

Dogs, man.

I was walking Charlie yesterday after work, and she freaking ate a worm off the ground. I screamed (out loud, mind you), "Ew, no! We are ladies! Ladies don't eat worms!" Then looked up to find a couple staring at me. Awesome. But I'm sorry - I stand by my statement.

I also wouldn't let her lick me in the face for a few hours afterwards, just to be safe.

I plan on planting a flag up there with my face on it...

While hiking in Rocky Mountain National Park over the weekend, I expressed my regret that I had never gotten to the top of Long's Peak, the tallest mountain in the Park. I got close once - we made it to a spot called the Keyhole, but it was really windy and icy from there to the top so we turned around. It's not an easy hike, either - 14.5 miles roundtrip, 5,000+ feet elevation gain, and you have to start at like 2am to make sure you're back down below treeline before the thunderstorms so you don't get struck by lightning. Plus it's super dangerous - a kid died on the mountain last month because the winds were so strong he literally blew off. Um, why are we doing this again? #adventurous #idiots

Everything I need to know (about love) I learned in kindergarten?

In the past few months, no less than three guys I went to elementary school with (and really haven't seen since then) have resurfaced (thanks, Facebook!) and asked me out. They are all nice, normal guys, so of course I say yes - it's just odd. Wondering if there's some sort of dating site out there for people you haven't seen in like 30 years - because it could very well be a treasure trove. The weirdest part? On the whole, we all look pretty much the same (thanks, Botox!).

Bachelor in Paradise recap - Solo Johnny and Stalagmites

Only one more week to go in Paradise, thank god. Everyone is getting a little too tan for my liking (Cody, Lacy, I'm talking to you). Marcus gets a date card and takes his soon-to-be-wife Lacy swimming with bats. I'm sorry, but I would be a freaking MESS on this date. Panic-striken, certain bats were in my hair, the whole 9 yards. #kindofawuss But Lacy, after struggling over the word "stalagmite," keeps it together and finally tells Marcus she loves him too. Michelle makes the wise prediction that they will have very tan babies.

Brooks strides down the beach. We haven't seen him since he rejected Des on her season, but Sarah is excited he's there. Robert senses trouble, so tells Brooks he'll kill him if he asks her out. Understood, bra. Brooks instead asks out Jackie, and they have a fun dinner date in which Brooks asks to kiss her - but "only on the mouth." Alrighty.

Zack is worried - he needs to up his game if he wants to stick around. So he too asks Jackie out. I don't want to alarm anyone, but Jackie has now been out with FOUR different dudes since arriving in Mexico. Atta girl. They have a romantic date in a cave (aren't all cave dates romantic?), and she once again breaks her "no kissing on the first date" rule, which clearly is made up anyway.

Tasos also arrives, single and ready to mingle - and just in time, too - Christy is done with Jesse, who's last name should be changed to a bleeped-out curse word. That's all we heard: "Jesse is a &@%#$@#. What a %$@#*&#@." She found out that he messed around with Lucy (although I thought it was rumored they had a threesome, so wouldn't she be in the know?), plus the mindgames with Christy and Jackie, and is so over it. To his credit, Jesse doesn't really seem to care (although calling Tasos "Taco" is pretty lame). He just wants his free trip (and free booze) to last as long as possible.

But it's not looking good - Tasos and Christy have a great date involving floating down the lazy river and feeding each other grapes. Back at home, Michelle is freaking out that Cody has already said the L word. We are treated to many (many) shots of Cody working out - he has been nicknamed The Hulk, which is fairly accurate. Dude is HUGE. But Michelle is willing to give him and his giant quads a chance.

Jesse pulls Christy aside to see where she's at, and she tells him fairly point-blank that this isn't going anywhere. He is upset - no more free drinks?! - and decides to be proactive and head home. But not before Christy/Lacy/Michelle confront him in the exit limo. Again, Jesse shrugs it off and looks forward to lots of invites and emails when he gets home. Oh, Kovacs.

Rose ceremony:
Lacy and Marcus
AshLee and Graham
Sarah and Robert
Michelle and Cody
Christy and Tasos
Jackie and Zack (sorry Brooks)

Next week, the finale. THANK GOD. Sarah-dise is coming to an end. I need a daquiri.