Bachelor in Paradise recap: I literally have a gun to my head writing this. Literally.

(that's a shout-out to Michelle Money, who said deciding if she wanted to keep seeing Cody IRL - in real life - was like LITERALLY having a gun to her head. Um, no sweetie.)

It's finally over, people. And what a ridiculous finale it was. We are promised no more rose ceremonies (well, except for that final rose one), no new people (well, except for the appearance  of three "successful" couples from Bachelordom past), and no more date cards (well, except for the overnight fantasy suite dates that everyone gets). Basically, Chris Harrison lied to us.

But even before that chaos, the six couples left must decide if their "relationships" can survive outside of Paradise/Clare-a-dise/Sarah-dise (might be the last time I get to use this). AshLee feels certain she and Graham are in it for the long haul, and she wears rope around her head and bracelet-ring combos, so she must be in tune to emotions and stuff. Michelle doesn't believe her, so tells Graham to dump her. And he does. Graham is weak. Or Michelle is jealous. Something doesn't really add up here, but Graham and AshLee part ways. Apparently so do Zack and Jackie and Christy and Tasos, although they had about 30 seconds of screen time total. #supportingcharacters

So we're down to six. Counting the number of people left is very important to Chris Harrison. And to this guy:

 

 

 

All three final couples (Marcus and Lacey, Michelle and Cody-Code and Sarah and Robert) get an overnight date to once again assess if their relationship can stand the test of time. Holy pressure cooker, ABC. All three have romantic escapades - except Sarah and Robert, apparently. Sarah spills that Robert went right to bed - in his jeans. C'mon man, you can't at least wear boxer briefs to bed? Sarah isn't going to hurt you...until she tells him it's not working out and they are dunzo. Robert cries into his shirt (aw!) saying he was trying to take things slow and is completely blindsided. Sarah worries in the exit limo if it was just one bad night and she ruined a good thing? Pooooor Sarah.

 

Lacey and Marcus are as hot and heavy (and tan) as ever, cementing their relationship once Lacey too said the "L" word. She's so dumb, I'm surprised she got it right. And Michelle and Cody have strengthed their bond - and Cody's body, which is looking larger than life. They are now boyfriend-girlfriend, thanks to an emergency call by Michelle to her lifeline, 9-year-old daughter Brielle, who tells her mom to chill. If he treats you nice, keep him around. Duh, mom.

 

But the ridiculous "tests" aren't quite done for our fearsome foursome - Desiree and Chris, Molly and Jason and Catherine and Sean show up for some lightning round quizzes and tough questions. I can't take Sean seriously because he looks like such a goob:

 

 

Seriously, guy - unbutton a button. And buy a bigger size - those sleeves look tiiiiiiight.

 

We finally make it to the rose ceremony. Michelle and Cody accept each other's roses and ride off into the sunset so he can do more chest presses using her body as a dumbbell. (Seriously - why.)

 

And Marcus starts to sweat profusely before asking Lacey to go outside with him - will he dump her in paradise?? Nooo - he is proposing, of course! They've known each other for a few weeks, and he was still in love with Andi when he arrived, so a marriage proposal makes perfect sense. She says yes, everyone cheers, and we are DONE with another crazy season of this show. I did giggle seeing Juan Pablo and Nikki on previews of "Couples Therapy," and giggled again hearing Chris Harrison say "Do you want to date America's hottest farmer?" promoting the next Bachelor season. He better make BANK to say that kind of crap.

 

#bringonthefarmer