Bachelor in Paradise recap - Solo Johnny and Stalagmites

Only one more week to go in Paradise, thank god. Everyone is getting a little too tan for my liking (Cody, Lacy, I'm talking to you). Marcus gets a date card and takes his soon-to-be-wife Lacy swimming with bats. I'm sorry, but I would be a freaking MESS on this date. Panic-striken, certain bats were in my hair, the whole 9 yards. #kindofawuss But Lacy, after struggling over the word "stalagmite," keeps it together and finally tells Marcus she loves him too. Michelle makes the wise prediction that they will have very tan babies.

Brooks strides down the beach. We haven't seen him since he rejected Des on her season, but Sarah is excited he's there. Robert senses trouble, so tells Brooks he'll kill him if he asks her out. Understood, bra. Brooks instead asks out Jackie, and they have a fun dinner date in which Brooks asks to kiss her - but "only on the mouth." Alrighty.

Zack is worried - he needs to up his game if he wants to stick around. So he too asks Jackie out. I don't want to alarm anyone, but Jackie has now been out with FOUR different dudes since arriving in Mexico. Atta girl. They have a romantic date in a cave (aren't all cave dates romantic?), and she once again breaks her "no kissing on the first date" rule, which clearly is made up anyway.

Tasos also arrives, single and ready to mingle - and just in time, too - Christy is done with Jesse, who's last name should be changed to a bleeped-out curse word. That's all we heard: "Jesse is a &@%#$@#. What a %$@#*&#@." She found out that he messed around with Lucy (although I thought it was rumored they had a threesome, so wouldn't she be in the know?), plus the mindgames with Christy and Jackie, and is so over it. To his credit, Jesse doesn't really seem to care (although calling Tasos "Taco" is pretty lame). He just wants his free trip (and free booze) to last as long as possible.

But it's not looking good - Tasos and Christy have a great date involving floating down the lazy river and feeding each other grapes. Back at home, Michelle is freaking out that Cody has already said the L word. We are treated to many (many) shots of Cody working out - he has been nicknamed The Hulk, which is fairly accurate. Dude is HUGE. But Michelle is willing to give him and his giant quads a chance.

Jesse pulls Christy aside to see where she's at, and she tells him fairly point-blank that this isn't going anywhere. He is upset - no more free drinks?! - and decides to be proactive and head home. But not before Christy/Lacy/Michelle confront him in the exit limo. Again, Jesse shrugs it off and looks forward to lots of invites and emails when he gets home. Oh, Kovacs.

Rose ceremony:
Lacy and Marcus
AshLee and Graham
Sarah and Robert
Michelle and Cody
Christy and Tasos
Jackie and Zack (sorry Brooks)

Next week, the finale. THANK GOD. Sarah-dise is coming to an end. I need a daquiri.