As I mentioned last week, Kelsey is crazy. Like slipped-through-the-ABC-psych-evaluation, wondering-if-she-still-has-a-job-as-a-school-counselor-because-she-probably-shouldn't, crazy. Man I'm going to miss her. (spoiler alert)
We are back in Santa Fe with Kelsey on the ground, crying and wailing about having a panic attack (and sometimes laughing about how she definitely should get the rose NOW). None of the girls are buying what she's selling, and I can't really say I blame them. She asks for Chris, who comes to console her and gives her the confidence boost she needs to rejoin the group. The jokes about her boobs and how she was talking nonsense about brownies just make the whole situation even more bizarre. Chris dusts himself off for the rose ceremony, giving Mackenzie and Samantha the boot. I swear to god Samantha has said no more than five words this season, which probably means she is super normal and has no business being on the show in the first place. I did find it sad and weird that they showed her just walking off down the street in her silver sequin dress. What - no exit limo either??
In the hopes of leaving the dramz of Santa Fe behind them, the ladies are off to Deadwood, South Dakota. Even Megan knows this is no exotic location. Cue the Debbie Downer trombone, folks. Chris arrives first, and takes some very awkward photos. Did no one else have a problem with this??
Becca gets the one-on-one date, which makes Kelsey angry, because
she's crazy she feels she deserves it after telling her tragic but amazing story. Becca is not only a virgin, but she's also a horseback riding virgin, so of course that's what the date entails. (Way to listen to details, producers!) But it seemed hard to talk to each other on the trail, so they end up sitting by a fire and getting to know each other. And by that I mean Becca laughing at Chris' ridiculously high-pitched laugh. Hard.
She finally lets her guard down, which of course means she finally lets Chris kiss her. Annnnnd nabs the rose. Well-played, Becca.
Back at the hotel, it's gang up on Kelsey time! Whitney, who has clearly changed her tune from being nice to everyone (aka the Jordan reappearance), takes the lead and asks why Kelsey was laughing so much during the Santa Fe rose ceremony. Carly jumps in the fray, accusing Kelsey of being fake (the horror!), especially in front of Chris. Kelsey fake apologizes, explaining she laughs when she feels awkward (like right now!), but tells the camera she can't help that she knows big words and has been "blessed with eloquence." Cue eye roll.
Group date time - Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly and Megan are going to write and perform country songs with Big & Rich! (Assuming Big is the taller one?) Which of course means it's Ashley I versus Kelsey on the dreaded two-on-one date ("two dates, one rose - one stays, one goes"). But oddly (or not), neither one is nervous. In fact, they are the most excited they've been so far!
Back to the group date. Jade is uncomfortable addressing her feelings in song (and, perhaps, in life), but after running down the street shouting with Big, she lets the lyrics flow. Or something. Chris and Britt seem particularly close, which the other girls notice and complain about, but they get over it because it's performance time! Chris starts things off with a "pitchy" tune rhyming "prairie" and "marry." Bless his heart. Carly brings him onstage for her song, and since she's actually a (cruise ship) singer, hers is one of the better ones. Kaitlyn raps (of course), and Britt proves that although she doesn't sing in the shower (because she doesn't shower - hey-oh!), she can carry a tune. And she can sleep in makeup flawlessly. This girl is almost too much.
Chris is clearly digging the Britt Factor as well, as he whisks her away later in the evening and they go to the Big & Rich concert and dance and sing onstage where he offers her the rose. We learn that they are gone for an hour - which honestly seems super rude to the other girls just hanging around wondering what happened to the rose. It makes for a very awkward re-entry with Britt and Chris, and he is no help, just kind of shrugging his shoulders and getting the hell out of there. #douche
Jade tells Britt she doesn't want her pity, and things are getting intense.
But they can all bond over their mutual hatred of Kelsey, so it's clearly Team Ashley as the two-on-one date begins. The threesome take a helicopter ride over Mount Rushmore, so Kelsey can correctly identify the presidents and make Ashley look dumb. They land in the Badlands, which Kelsey is familiar with but Ashley, not so much. Kelsey is definitely keeping score in her mind, so Ashley decides to get even by telling Chris during their alone time (um, after sucking off his lip - seriously. Watching this girl kiss kind of grosses me out.) that Kelsey is fake and all the girls think so. I find this so ironic coming from someone with fake lashes and probably fake hair, but whatever. Annnnd kiss of death for Ashley. Granted, Chris asked the question (sort of), but still. After seasons of the show, we have all learned you don't use your time bad-mouthing other contestants! And please do something about those ridiculous eyelashes!
Chris then talks to Kelsey. and flat-out tells her what Ashley just said. Kelsey cries, saying it's about her journey - I mean,
his journey - I mean...and returns to the weird bed in the middle of the bad(lands) to have a very awkward stare-down with Ashley. Who refuses to look her in the eye for a few minutes, but finally Kelsey gives her The Hills classic "I know what you did!"
Ashley isn't fazed - she has a master's degree too, dammit - and from a "good" school! - and tells Kelsey she isn't from Pleasantville - she's from 2014! Ummmmm.
Ashley starts to cry and marches over to Chris, angry that he told Kelsey everything. Chris takes this opportunity to give Ashley the boot, saying they are in very different places, maturity-wise (#truth) and he can't give her what she needs (i.e. a full makeup application every day). She does the ugly cry (but those eyelashes don't budge - impressive!) and stomps off, only to come back, hiccuping and crying, for one final hug, and then more ugly crying in front of the camera. But Chris isn't done - he gives Kelsey the boot, too! She lets a single tear roll down her cheek, and tells the camera once again, she will rise above.
The girls at the hotel are sad to see Ashley's suitcase get wheeled out, but freaking REJOICE when Kelsey's luggage leaves. Literally popping bottles and dancing around the room. Ding dong the witch is dead!
Chris flies off in the helicopter, leaving the two rejects standing on the Badlands. Bad assery on the Badlands, you might say.
