Getting ahead of myself. We're off to Santa Fe, which excites Megan because she has never been out of the country and can't wait to visit this seaside resort town and wear sombreros and dance the Macarena. Say it with me: Bless her heart.
Chris is ready to take things to the next level, and invites Carly on a date so they can "come together." Hey-oh. But it's not what you think - or what anyone thinks - they have a session with a love and intimacy guru who wants them to find the "juiciness" in their relationship. Which apparently means blindfolding Chris, giving him an awkward rubdown and feeding him fruit and chocolate (didn't Megan already do this with her "three of the five senses" game?). Next up: stripping each other's clothes off and breathing nose-to-nose. Most. Awkward. First. Date. Ever. Carly can't handle taking Chris' pants off, so instead they kiss with the Love Guru watching their every move:
Carly deserves the rose after all that, and she gets it. Particularly after telling Chris that her last boyfriend didn't want to touch her and they dated for two years. Oof.
Back at the hotel. Kelsey is telling the other girls about how her husband died, and tells the camera how she needs a one-on-one date to tell her "amazing story" to Chris, but Ashley I and her giant eyelashes feel like something is amiss - Kelsey just doesn't seem that upset about it. Foreshadowing, perhaps? Perhaps, but it's group date time. Everyone but Britt gets to risk life and limb to go whitewater rafting! Jade falls in and has some hypothermia condition that makes her hands and feet go numb, so Chris gets to warm her up with a foot rub. Kelsey is jealous and her maniacal laugh echoes through the canyon.
The date gets even chillier when drunkard Jordan returns for a second shot at love. This is the second chick that has done this - the Farmer must have a way with the ladies. (And it's not his conversational skills.) Chris lets Jordan join the group date, which pisses off pretty much all the women in the group. It's an elimination game, duh - which means you are eliminated. Ashley I is extremely pissed and tells everyone to ice Jordan out and be super bitchy, but Whitney doesn't want to play reindeer games and why can't we all just get along?! This leads Ashley to believe that Whit must not like Chris very much. So there. But nice girls finish first on the Bachelor, and Whitney gets the rose as Jordan gets the exit limo for a second time.
Britt is getting ready for her one-on-one date, and her paralyzing fear of heights combined with the date card "sky's the limit" has put a real damper on things. Hell - she might even take a shower, which she apparently has not done in quite some time. Ew - really? How does her hair still look so decent? We know how her face does - she sleeps in full makeup, which Chris semi-notices when he wakes her at 4:30am with a kiss and says that she looks just as beautiful as she does during the rose ceremony. Um, no one looks like that at 4:30am. I get up at 4:30 every day and can vouch for that. (But seriously - what kind of lipstick doesn't smear? I could use some of that.) They smooch a bit and wake all the other girls up, and then Britt's fear of heights miraculously goes away as they take a romantic sunrise hot balloon ride over landscape she later describes as "The Land Before Time." What a random movie choice to describe - well, anything. Afterwards, they return to Chris' hotel room where Britt gets the rose and takes a "nap" with him for two hours. Wink wink.
The other girls aren't sure Britt is being entirely truthful, since she apparently told them she loved being single and didn't want marriage/kids for a long time, but tells Chris she wants 100 kiddos. But she's not the only one hiding something, and Kelsey decides it's time to steal some time with Chris to tell him her story. Because it's HER love story too, and what a glorious story it is, and how well it plays out at 8:00 on Monday nights for all the world to see. She LOVES her story. (Seriously. This chick is cray.)
So she goes to Chris' room and tells him about her dead husband, and in the same breath starts making out with Chris. I could tell he was a little taken aback, but what's a guy gonna do but kiss her back. Kelsey feels confident she is getting a rose, because how can you not give one to a widow?? (Has she already forgotten about poor Juelia?)
At the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, everyone is nervous - even the girls with roses - but not Kelsey. At least, not until Chris arrives, mentions it has been a tough week and blabs about his chat with Kelsey. He then gets emotional and has to leave the room. Daggers shoot at Kelsey, who claims she was going to tell everyone about their little talk later on but it was really just a talk about timing and Chris knows what he wants and Kelsey will just have to say goodbye to some people tonight. I mean - she might be leaving but...#busted. She tears up a bit and then admires her shoes like the psycho she is.
Chris Harrison arrives to announce there will not be a cocktail party tonight, just the rose ceremony. This makes ladies like Ashley I and Samantha nervous - probably because Sam has not said one single word until tonight. Kelsey leaves the room and the next thing we know she is writhing on the ground, wailing to an EMT that she's having a panic attack. I would assume this is all an act, which is even scarier. But we get a To Be Continued, so we'll just have to see how bat-shit this chick actually is. In the words of Kelsey, "stay tuned!"
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