Bachelor recap: Io-why?

We started out the night with a special Chris Tells All, which is more of a Chris Harrison tells all, since he interviews Kelsey (still using big words and sounding fairly nutso), Andi (who clearly needs more time to get over her breakup with Josh before doing any more interviews), and Bachelor Chris (who still has little to say, even when recalling crazies like Ashley S, Jillian and Jordan).

We then head back to Deadwood for the rose ceremony, but Megan decides to leave (probably sensing she is about to get the boot anyway), so the rose ceremony is cancelled and everyone is headed to Iowa! No offense to my friends in Iowa, but I don't think anyone has ever been more excited about going to Iowa than the remaining ladies. There are cheers, jumps for joy, fist bumps...perhaps a bit overly excited, as it turns out.

The girls are amazed that Iowa has trees, and they're probably pretty shocked there are hotels. Jade gets the first one-on-one date, getting the golden ticket to see Arlington, Chris' hometown. And people, it is small. Sad small. Ghost town small. Nothing is open, there is no grocery store, restaurant or movie theater, and  even Jade from Nebraska starts to panic.  She recovers at the Friday night lights high school football game, where she gets to stroll the hallowed halls of  Chris' high school and meet his parents (!).  The crowd chants "Kiss Chris!" So she does. But she still can't tell him her deep dark secret. Stay tuned...

Britt is super jealous that Jade got to see Arlington, so the girls take a road trip to see just how small the town is. And they are just as shocked as Jade was. Even the church isn't open! They do stumble upon the pastor, who when asked what people do in Arlington, says "they leave." Huh. Britt is convinced she wouldn't last there, but tells the girls when they return that after seeing a sunset she loves it there. Carly is livid and talks to her hand puppet version of Britt, saying she is going down. Then we see a weird moon with Britt's face in it. Wtf.

Whitney gets the next one-on-one date is Des Moines. They take pics kissing all over town, and one of the photos even gets turned into a mural on a wall. This seems foretelling, since the mural is fairly permanent, no? Whitney is bowled over and Chris is impressed with her reaction. She even meets his friends and seems to pass with flying colors.

Jade tells the other girls her secret - she posed for Playboy. Dun dun DUN. She's afraid of getting busted by a Google, so she feels she needs to tell Chris soon. Duh.

The group date is Britt, Kaitlyn and Carly. They meet Chris on an ice rink, because there clearly isn't much to do in Iowa. Chris is not the best at this. I also need to note the prevalence of plaid flannel shirts wrapped around the girls' waists. Holy 90s flashback. Britt tells Chris that they went to Arlington, and of course she has only positive things to say. Carly tells Chris what's really going on, but later that night when Chris flat-out asks, Britt sticks with her story that she loves Iowa and just wants to be a mom, dangit. And lots of kissing ensues. The other girls are convinced he sees through Britt's act, because he's a smart guy. But I'm not so sure. About either one of those facts.

Happy to see Moscow Mules happening with Kaitlyn and Chris, but Kaitlyn is nervous and tells Chris she feels a bit behind in the process. Being so vulnerable hits home with Chris, and Kaitlyn snags the rose. Which of course doesn't sit well with Britt, because she thinks she should ALWAYS get the rose. She tells Chris it's hard to want to bring him to meet her family because she wants her husband to pick her first, not second or third...um, that's the SHOW, Britt. Get on board or get out. Chris has nothing to say back (shocking), and abruptly gets up and leaves (again). He's all about letting these women duke it out amongst themselves.

The girls decide Britt has shot herself in the foot on this one, and there's no recovery. Of course we have to wait and see, since the producers hate us and insist on dragging this out as long as humanly possible. #awesome