oh the humanity

NOT a good date, eharm. Not at all. He drives a 'Vette. We split the check. He is an adrenaline junkie who is obsessed with skydiving and racing cars and heavy metal music.
Just nope.

On to the next. Or not.

ahahahaha

This matchmaker either really feels bad for me or just wants me out of her database, because she's found me another one. He's 29, and said he's open to dating "older women - up to 33!" Whew. Just made the cut. Hilariousness. And of course I'll go, because what the hell else do I have to do. Maybe we can go somewhere for an early bird special. Being such an older woman and all. HA.

It's okay, Elizabeth. A lot of people don't know what "shallow" means

Which of course brings us to the Bachelor Pad recap.

1. Kiptyn's abs got an all-too brief shout-out (finally!).
2. Tenley seriously drives me crazy. Did anyone notice the freaking DEER that wandered by on her one-on-one date?! Disney animals unite!
3. She was also wearing like 5 different outfits when re-capping her date. Probably started crying all over herself and had to change clothes. Repeatedly. When she hit the fantasy suite and said she and Kip were taking their relationship to the next level, I thought, "and that next level is french kissing." Poor sweet virginal Tenley. Ugh.
4. Oh, Jesse B. I loved you, wife beater and all, until you started burping and picking your date's nose. Not cool, bro. Do these people FORGET they are on national television??
5. The name game at the beginning made me sad. Would I rather be called the dumbest or be labeled as the one with the worst boob job?! Natalie actually WANTED to be the dumb one. Heh. She is the queen of side hairdos, btw. Side ponytail? Check. Side braid? Check.
6. Elizabeth. Worst boob job and the most shallow. Ironic, no? (She doesn't know what shallow means. No way does she know the word "ironic.")
7. It's not "Chrissy Lee," boys. It's Krisily. I mean, either way is weird, but in respect to the one booted off, let's pronounce it correctly.
8. Kiptyn said he had never been in a helicopter before - doubtful. EVERY date on the Bachelor/Bachelorette involves a helicopter at some point. Admit it, dude.
9. I own the pink scarf Peyton was wearing. Shout-out.
10. Again - WHY is Melissa Rycroft there? She. Does. Nothing.

DWTS cast. I don't watch this show, and now that Bristol Palin is on? Definitely not. Although bring it, Jennifer Grey. Or the artist formerly known as Jennifer Grey.

Mugshot Hall of Fame

So. This is Paris's latest mugshot. And her facial expression is pretty much the same in her two (!) previous mugshots. She's getting flack for semi-smiling, but I'm sorry. If I ever get arrested (knock on wood), I know I would totally smile for the camera. Maybe even throw in a skinny arm.

Only in HP

Went to California Pizza Kitchen (Preston Center) to pick up a salad for dinner last night. As I was sitting in the little to-go waiting area, a nanny came in with two twin girls, who were probably 8. She was ordering a mountain of food, and the girls plopped down to play...on their iPADS. What the hell. I've only seen one from afar, and now third graders have them?!

Ah, Highland Park.

So very Elle Woods.

Feeling super Legally Blonde today.

Doesn't a George Foreman grill count as cooking?

Pizza date with my cousin went well - ended in a smooch - but I think he wants a Suzy Homemaker. Which I am not. He was shocked - SHOCKED! - to learn that I can't cook. Admitted he was a mama's boy. And has deer heads on the walls. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

And he had never heard anyone tell him about his CSI doppelganger! So I busted out my trusty smartphone and pulled up a pic of my cousin. (Told my mom this, and she said "Why do you have his picture on your phone?!" Um, Google.)

First "eh" date tomorrow night. Already pretty sure it will be a disaster. And I'm having to use "eh" as a code so their official spokesblogger doesn't comment again...shhhh

Why I oughta...

So last week, I had a date with a guy that the "matchmaker" set up. It went really well, although I proceeded to get drunk...(hadn't had dinner. Give a girl a break) He talked about past relationships, saying "I'll give more details on the second or third date." He even walked me to my car and kissed me. So I'm thinking, all signs point to us going out again.

But per the rules of the matchmaker, we both had to get in touch with her and let her know if we'd like to see each other again. And THEN she can distribute phone numbers, etc. (It's all very 1950s, but whatever.) So I emailed her the next day and said I would love to go out again. Now, I knew he was going out of town for work through the end of the week, but as Friday rolled around and I hadn't heard anything, I was starting to fear the worst. And then it came, at 5 freaking 30 on Friday afternoon.

A nicely-worded email from the matchmaker that basically said although he thought I was a "great girl" (ugh), he had met someone else and didn't want to be disloyal, so would be pursuing a relationship with her instead. Alrighty. Which means he had already met this person before going out with me, and still agreed to the date AND kissed me. Humph.

And the fact that this came at 5:30pm right before the weekend really sucked. She DID add a "have a great weekend!" at the end of the email. Thanks, biyotch. :)

Oh someecards, how I love you

Lilo and her Maserati?!

How does this girl still even have a license? How do *I*, a semi-upstanding citizen, not have a current photo ID and she, with multiple DUI arrests and recently released from prison/court-ordered rehab, is out cruising the town?

Where's the justice. I ask you.

At least my boobs aren't fake. Everything else is.

First time I went out with "cuz," we were at TopGolf and he ordered us a bucket of beer. Very thoughtful, but I don't drink beer. Just don't like it. Never have. But I was too embarrassed to say anything, so I fake-drank it. (Like every time it was his turn to hit the ball, I would dump some out or toss it and open another one. Heh.) Same thing happened when he ordered a quesadilla for us to share. I fake-ate it. (Quesadillas are delicious, but my anal eating ways don't allow it.)

I was also not feeling my bangs and pulled them back into a headband. The outdoor sweaty sports do NOT do them justice.

So tonight's dilemmas: do I open the door with my REAL hair? So far having a decent bangs day so what the hell. But we're eating at Fireside Pies. So do I have to fake-eat pizza, or can I just be a complete girl and order a damn salad. I keep hearing that guys HATE it when girls just eat salad, but that's who I am. And I'm going to have to come clean sooner or later. Might choose "later."

Details at 11.

Fair food = fair game for a heart attack

Just heard the finalists for new fried foods at this year's State Fair of Texas. (First of all, how do they keep coming up with new things to fry?! I predict in 10 years: Fried Worms. But I digress.)

All of these sound pretty foul - and pretty likely to clog an artery - to me...

Fried beer
Fried margarita
Fried Smore's Pop-tart
Fried chocolate
Fried lemonade
Fried club salad (?? The irony is not lost on me.)
Fried Texas cavier (um, didn't know this was black-eyed peas. Bad Texan. Bad.)
Fried frito pie

Your massive coronary awaits. :)

Kissing "cousins"

Have another date with the guy who looks like my cousin tomorrow night. I'm going to have to say something. Like "has anyone ever told you you look like..."

Ironically, I think my bangs make me look even MORE like my alleged celebrity doppelganger, Joanna Kerns. So there you go.

Avert your eyes, DPD

Hopefully there are no police officers who read this. (Highly doubtful) Because the DMV still hasn't come through, and I am now driving with an expired temporary license. Apparently they sent my new license to an old address (where I haven't lived for 5 years), and had to re-issue it. Lord knows how long THAT will take. So until then, apologies if you're driving behind me. Because I'm going the speed limit. Ish.

my dad is officially cooler than me.

A. he has an iPhone. (so does my 15-year-old brother, but let's not open THAT can of worms)

2. he is now friends with Martina Navratilova on Facebook. humph.

If he somehow befriends Rafael Nadal, I'm out. Or I will just cyberstalk.

My life could really be a sitcom

Yesterday, I had an interview for another position within my current company. (And yes, I was wearing the aforementioned blue shoes.) It was one of those scary, 8-person panel interviews, but it seemed to go pretty well. Until I got up to leave. They were all hanging back to talk about me after I left, so my boss opened the door for me to exit. And then moved his hand away - and the extremely heavy door came crashing into me and almost knocked me over. Still in the interview room. In front of the 8 interviewers. I tried to laugh it off and said something like "aaaaaaand SCENE." And stumbled out of there, but everyone was laughing and they probably just thought I was pitiful. And that will mean another bruise. OOF.

Just to prove I'm not playing favorites...

Match isn't all that great either. My mom had been chatting with a guy in Colorado - turns out he lives in an RV and alternates parking it at his mother's house and his sister's house, switching off when they get annoyed and make him leave. STELLAR!

Geographically Superior

I know what you're all going to say - love should see past any distance - but come on. Today's EHarm matches are from Watauga (??), Corinth, Irving, McKinney and Flower Mound. No one from Dallas? Really? Oof. I don't see a relationship blossoming here - unless it's with my Mapsco.

Don't step on my blue (patent leather) shoes

Not to worry - the rest of my outfit is black. Including a black blazer. Just had to infuse a little "Sarah" into things.

Bachelor Pad rundown. Because I can't stop myself.

1. Natalie is a ho. She actually said she would kiss all the guys for $20?! Classy! And not sure what she was wearing in Vegas, but those were the shortest dang shorts I have ever seen. Also got a brief glimpse of some unfortunate suspenders on her. Whatever.

2. Speaking of dress code, did anyone notice that when they were all gathered on the couch at the beginning, before the kissing contest was announced, everyone was in like t-shirts, shorts and flip-flops. But not our Nikki. Yes, she had on a tank and shorts, but also was randomly sporting some 5-inch nude pumps. Mmmm-kay.

3. Elizabeth going "mmmm" every time a guy kissed her. (Well, except for poor Weatherman) She also looks like 45, I've decided. And love how her "no kissing" policy she initiated with Jake has gone totally out the window.

4. Tenley getting DENIED from Kiptyn's bunk because he wanted to nap...harsh! Haha.

5. I really think Tenley and Natalie look so much alike. One is like the sluttier twin.

6. Ashley refusing to participate in the kissing contest b/c of her students? NOW she has morals? WTF

7. Poor poor weatherman. Worst kisser. And buh-bye.

8. Wes is so revolting. "I dream about you every night" to Tenley?? Really, guy? And when he started singing his damn song again, I had to fast-forward. Jeez. Methinks he's a goner next week, though. Thank god.

9. Love the couple swapping. Now Natalie and Dave are together? And Jesse B and Peyton? As if they weren't making out with other people the day before? Love you, Bachelor Pad. Hope you provide condoms.

10. Nice disparity in the fantasy suites, ABC. The guy gets Vegas, and the girl gets...the mansion where they already live? SCORE!

11. Best (and by best I mean worst) quote of the night comes from Gia about Wes: "He's like the modern-day Shakespeare. But better! And cuter!" Oh lord. So intrigued by what her actual boyfriend looks like - and odds are they are no longer together since she basically professed her love for a douchebag.

12. Was the rose ceremony unofficial "Vest Night" for the guys? Dang.

13. Second best quote of the night comes from Elizabeth about Weatherman: "He's not funny or cute. I just don't like the guy. Nothing personal!" HA

Good times. Thank god I can Tivo out the embarrassing parts. Which is most of the show.

Don't quit your day job.

I'm talking to YOU, Jake Pavelka. Did anyone see him on "Drop Dead Diva" last night? Love how they were promoting the hell out of it, and he only had like 3 lines. Dude. Go back to cargo planes. Not actor material.

(Haha that just reminded me of Rush - "Not Tridelt Material." Good times.)

Maybe don't take club suggestions from your waiter. Just sayin'.

So six of us went to dinner at Samar Friday night for restaurant week. It was a very cool vibe, and the food was pretty good. But we ate at 6:30, so by the time we were finished it was still only like 8:30. Trying to figure out where to go, we asked our very kind waiter (Michael?). He suggested Teddy's. I looked at him in awe: "The BURLESQUE club?!" He assured us that guys would be there (um, yeah - ogling the scantily clad dancers...), and without having to do much more convincing than that, off we went. We marched up to the door, feeling super confident and cute (which could have been due to the wine at dinner)...and tried to open the door and it was locked. Yes, folks, the place wasn't open yet. We were those girls who were there TOO EARLY. Oh the humanity. We quickly back-pedaled and swung through Nick & Sam's before ending up at the Stoneleigh P. Which brought back fond memories from high school, I assure you.
And nary a burlesque dancer in sight.

A little late coming to the party

Stumbled upon an episode of "Survivorman" while flipping the channels yesterday, and totally got sucked in. I remember the episode of "The Office" where Michael imitates it, but I had no idea what he was referencing and just assumed he was Michael Scott being Michael Scott. But no. It's legit.

The one I was watching was where he was lost at sea. Alone. In a rubber dinghy. For 7 days. No food or water. Are you freaking kidding me with this. These are like my biggest nightmares come true. And I will have to add to my Tivo list. Insanity.

GNO

That's "Girl's Night Out" for those of you living under a rock (and my mom). Tonight. Dinner at Samar for Restaurant Week, followed by a night of debauchery. Or else we get too tipsy on wine and are home passed out by 10pm. Either way.

The irony of being single and having a "girl's night out" is...what makes that different than any OTHER night?! Ha.

Happy weekend to all and to all a good night.

I have no spine.

Not two days after I denounced online dating for life, my dear friend J convinced me to sign up on eHarmony with her. Does this sound familiar? I'm starting to wonder if my friends have gotten together and each one drew a different dating site out of a hat. They then twist my arm and coax and beg me to sign up with them. (okay it usually just involves one simple email.) They don't really care one or another about meeting someone, but just enjoy hearing my nightmare stories (and reading about them here). Fess up, ladies.

It's cool - bring on the (bad) dates. So far: no one I even want to start the 18-step communication process with. Which is the same experience I had the LAST time I tried EH. When will I ever learn?

No seriously. That wasn't rhetorical.

Ah well. What's another $30 in the grand scheme of my humiliation. Bring it.

Another day, another 5 injuries

Not a day goes by that I don't hurt myself in some form or fashion. Anything from cutting myself shaving to slamming my leg into the elliptical at the gym to burning my neck with the hair straightener. It's all fair game. Yesterday was a particularly rough day, injury-wise.

Stabbed myself in the eye - twice - before even leaving for work. Dropped a very large box on my big toe, drawing blood. And then last night at TopGolf (where apparently every time I go I now hurt myself), my awesomely adorned wrist-o-bracelets turned against me. It was the gorgeous Nellie & Frieda bracelet that my sweet friends gave me for my bday that was the true "perp" in this case. (My new favorite words are "perp" and "vic," and I don't even watch Law & Order. But I digress.) The bracelet kept rubbing my wrist raw every time I would swing the club. And after 40 balls, the area was raw and bleeding. Even got freaking blood on my yellow Bermuda shorts. Dammit. Perhaps this is why pro athletes don't wear 18 bracelets at a time? Wimps.

All this to say, I am reminded of a classic Seinfeld stand-up line. Something about "these commercials for laundry detergent, where the people are stressed out over removing blood stains? You've got a bigger problem than clean clothes. You. Are. Bleeding." (took a little creative liberty there with the verbiage. You understand - I'm wounded and not thinking clearly.)

Arriving home, I got out my trusty first aid kit and noticed that pretty much everything has been used up. And I bought the thing like a year ago. That's not good.

Why the fax machine is officially outdated

(Besides the fact that I am somehow incapable of remembering if I need to dial a "9" or not)

Lady just called, wanting information about The Class that was mentioned in the paper a few weeks ago. (Yes, people are still calling.) On the message, she tried to leave her cell #. But didn't know it. Had to take the phone away from her ear and look at it to verify what it was. (This is just nice background information.)

I called her back and told her I would be happy to email her the info. She asked instead if I could fax it. Mmm-kay. Took her a few minutes to dig around and find her husband's fax number. Got it and attempted to fax. The machine just said "dialing" "dialing" dialing" - so I tried a couple more times. Then heard my phone ringing. Turns out she had given me ANOTHER of her cell numbers, and the fax was ringing her cell instead. Armed with a new FAX number, I sent it and of course it went right through. But not before she called again, telling me her other phone was still ringing and couldn't I hear that in the background??

Oh the humanity. Get an email address. Stat. (Or what the hell - go retro and get a beeper. Although that's just another number to remem- er, forget.)

Damn you, Piranha 3D

I do not like scary movies. There. I said it. Was forced to watch a few growing up when at slumber parties (Everything from the good: The Shining, to the bad: The Stuff, to the ugly: Gremlins), and although I have seen a select few since then (The Ring, Blair Witch Project, Final Destination, Scream...), I generally try to avoid them. They give me nightmares.

Then again, I apparently get nightmares just from seeing a preview or, in the latest twist, simply by hearing a RADIO spot. Last night I dreamt I was in Piranha 3D and came up with the entire plot. It was NOT a fun dream, I assure you. I've also dreamed up the entire screenplay to I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (it was probably more well-written in my head than what actually came out in theaters...haha), and I've dreamt that I was in that movie a few times. What in the world. Why can't I dream I'm pledging a fraternity with the guys from Old School?


(Side bar on this piranha movie: did anyone know sweet Elizabeth Shue was in this? Oh the humanity.)

Home Depot makes me feel stupid

Went to Home Depot yesterday to buy a new fancy lock to help prevent robbers from getting in to my apartment. First off, I made the woman greeting people literally walk me to the aisle of locks. That place is so overwhelming - does a lock fall under "doors?" "tools?" "hardware?" (Answer: hardware.)

Was talking to the salesguy about how to install it, and asked if it was really difficult and should I get someone to come do it for me. He goes, "no, it's not hard - if you're just a little handy, you can do it." And I'm out. Not a little handy. Not even a little bit. I hang things on the wall with double-stick tape and push-pins. Classy!

Fingers crossed the maintenance guy at my complex can put his handiness to good use. Knowing that he's coming today, I left a lovely list of other "chores" he can tackle. Hate for him to come all that way for a teeny little lock that apparently even a "somewhat handy" GIRL could install...

Here's to you, ever true...

Heading to the old stomping grounds of Hockaday at lunch to sign pledge letters. Ah, the joys of being a "class agent." The school looks completely different than when we were there 15 (!) years ago. For example, I'm supposed to meet in the Liza Lee Academic Research Center. Wherever the hell that is.

If there happens to be a re-sale going on, I am BUYING saddle shoes. Just because.

Southern Hospitality, my Aunt Fanny

(haha I've always loved that phrase.)

I make a point to wave like a maniac whenever someone lets me get in front of them on the highway, just to show my appreciation and acknowledgement that I'm a bad driver and probably did something bad to end up in the wrong lane in the first place. But does anyone ever wave thank you when *I* let them in? No ma'am. It's just common courtesy, people. A little tip of the hat, how-do-you-do, thankyouverymuch. Sheesh.

Just a fair warning: if you get in front of a green Jeep with like 5 UNC stickers, wave biyotches. Or I'll wave at YOU. With just one finger. xoxo

Match smatch

My final* month on Match is done. Had a few dates, scored a few free drinks, and that's about it. Not bad for $35. Maybe another round of TopGolf Ladies Night this week will kick-start something. Not going to hold my breath though. A boyfriend isn't worth passing out over. Heh.


*I know I have said this before, but this time I really mean it! NO MORE. Someone stop me. Seriously. I'm Sarah, and I'm an online dating-aholic. (Everyone: "Hi, Sarah...")

Holy topcoat, Batman

My (homemade) manicure has been going strong for 5 days. Coming from a person who usually messes one nail up getting into the car leaving the nail salon, this is huge news people. Too bad I'm not all that crazy about the color. Looks like I'm stuck with it for a few more days.

Where's McGruff when you really need him?

There was a note in my mailbox this morning saying "Due to the recent home and car break-ins on this street - um WHAT?! - there will be a neighborhood watch meeting Wednesday night with a member of the Dallas Police Dept."

So help me, If I get robbed again (last time was 5 years ago, when I lived in a different apartment and moved to my CURRENT place to feel safer. Ahem.), I am outta here. Don't have to tell me twice. Er, thrice.

This Bachelor Pad needs wings. (Get it? Pad? Wings? HAHA)

Another two hours I won't get back. But still some highlights worth mentioning...

1. Chris. Harrison's. Rose Ceremony. Outfit. I'm sorry. What in the world WAS that?? Was he drunk when picking it out? Black checkered shirt and bright purple polka dot tie? Wowsers.

2. Tenley still bugs. She is so overly-emotional. No need to cry about EVERYTHING, pumpkin.

3. I believe we DID get a quick shot of Kiptyn's abs when he was getting dressed for the rose ceremony - thank you Jesus.

4. The pie-eating contest (and ensuing vomit parade) really turned my stomach. Maybe I should keep it on Tivo for days when I need to lose a few pounds. Could be a new diet trend.

5. Still not buying what Wes is selling. Gia, apparently, did. I also liked how she sounded totally Mafioso (which she really might be) telling Craig about how her word really meant something. Something about swimming with the fishes...

6. Weatherman and Gwen. Poor poor lovelorn weatherman. He might be the best she's gonna get. Why not give the Speedo-lover a little warm front. Heh.

Good times, people. Good times.

Future best-seller

I've heard the saying, "Women don't sweat - they glisten." Well, when it's 105 degrees in the shade, EVERYBODY sweats.

Haha - Everybody Sweats. The sequel to Everybody Poops.

Ugh

I really hate the forced work outings. Today, they surprised us with the announcement of a mandatory work lunch to welcome the new boss. Granted, it gets me out of the office for an hour. But that's an hour I could spend AWAY from work peeps.

And don't get me STARTED on forced FAMILY outings. No offense, mom.

"How are you still single?"

This is a question I get a lot (and also ask myself almost daily in the mirror). It was in a CNN.com article last week as well - so I guess I'm not the only one who has to field this question.

(Thanks Erin for the link!)


You think it's a compliment at first - like "You're SO wonderful. How has no one snatched you up?" But then it becomes accusatory, like "You are over 30. What the F is wrong with you?" And I always laugh when guys ask me why I'm still single. Um, if I knew, I wouldn't be single!! (and I would also be very, very rich, having published my book "How not to be single anymore")


The article on CNN.com delves into the thought process - which seems an awful lot like some of the 5 stages of grief...

1. Denial. I'm fine, nothing wrong with me. It's THEM.

2. Guilt/blame. Maybe it IS me. I'm too picky. Too set in my ways. Too independent. Too... (these are all from personal experience, mind you)

3. Acceptance. But then you try to alter yourself and wind up either settling for someone that your un-changed self would never have gone for, or you beat yourself up for something that might not actually be that horrible.


The article ended by providing an answer to the original question. When you get asked "why are you still single, just say "it just hasn't happened yet."

This is actually not a bad response. You're not saying it's GOING to happen, thus living with a false sense of security, but you're also not saying it's NOT going to happen, thus living in Eeyore-ville. You're just taking your sweet time. Biological clocks be damned.

www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/08/13/still.single.lucky/index

A good way to cure a "case of the Mondays"

Viva orange pumps. Plus, pumps are totally "big girl shoes."

Lizards don't stand a chance when I'm around

I know little lizards aren't harmful and some (weird) people actually keep them as pets. But I do not enjoy them. Or any reptiles or bugs, for that matter. Two little lizards have managed to breach the fortress of solitude (aka my apartment) and I have eventually managed to dispose of both of them. In very unusual ways. (This coming from someone who kills roaches by dropping a dictionary on them. And just leaving the dictionary on the floor. Or sprays spiders/ants with Lysol until they just die. I can't grab something still alive - even with a paper towel - and also can't handle hearing something crackle under my foot. But I digress.)

The first one ended up in my shower. Which was terrifying enough on its own. But I was able to drown it. Die, little lizard bastard! Die! (Of course, it wouldn't go down the drain, and no way was I going to fish it out. So I went all Macgyver and used the drain stopper to scoop it out. Screaming the entire time, of course.)

Number two died this morning. It popped up in the bathroom while I was Swiffering, And I was able to clean and kill with a single swoop. (The Swiffer: not just for cleaning anymore.) I'm sorry, but these kind of things make me feel superhuman and awesome. Sad but true. Maybe I could start an extermination service.

I'm a sucker for the 80s

At Sam's yesterday, I got suckered into paying $30 for 6 CDs of 80s music. Now, I probably own 85% of the songs already. But the ones I don't have were kind of worth the money...(plus, if I had a 6-CD changer in my car like most normal people, I would be all set for road trips!)

-Toy Soldiers (Martika)
-Please Don't Go Girl (NKOTB)
-I'm Alright (Caddyshack - by Kenny Loggins)
-Naughty Girls Need Love Too (Samantha Foxx)
-Hot Hot Hot (Buster Poindexter)
-Ghostbusters (Ray Parker Jr)*
-Parents Just Don't Understand (Will Smith)

-and a variety of other gems. Which probably all totaled would have cost about $10 less had I bought them individually on iTunes. Whatever.


*This will be added into the rotation of my karaoke repertoire. It's really just talking - very little singing involved. Plus, you can get the crowd to yell out "Ghostbusters!" Everybody wins.

Matchmaker. She's baaaaack

Last year around this time, I, along with a few of my friends, signed up with a matchmaker. I think the company was fairly new, and to encourage people to sign up, they were waiving the $400 fee. Free matchmaking? Bring it.

I guess you get what you pay for, because they apparently only had like 5-10 guys and the rest were girls. (Which has pretty much been the ratio my entire life...) There were weird rules, like you would only get his first name and a special code to type in to see his picture, which would completely disappear after 6 hours. (how very Mission Impossible, on many levels.) But I was still set up with a few guys. Including one named like Kourosh. Who didn't want to go out with me again. Alrighty. None of my friends had any luck with the matchmaker, either, and the emails just kind of died off. I assumed the company had gone under.

Until I got an email two weeks ago from a new woman who replaced the last girl we worked with at the matchmaking company. Said she had someone to set me up with, but the rules had changed. No more photos would be provided. You just had to "trust" her. Translation: the guys left are NOT cute and no way would I go out with them if I saw them first. The first guy she gave me was 44, a little older than I was hoping for, and she needed to check to see if he was still single, but might I be interested? Um you don't even know if he's still single? How long has it been since we've gone through this database?? So I politely declined.

But now she's back with bachelor #2. At this point, it's just hh. What do I have to lose. So meeting up with this guy in two weeks for a drink. I sure am getting my money's worth out of this matchmaker deal. Considering I didn't spend any money to begin with. Ha.

You just can't make this sh*t up

My friend got an email from a guy on Match whose profile included the following:
"No winks, please. C'mon, grow a pair - right something intelligent."

Hahahaha. How about this as a response: "Here's something intelligent - it's spelled WRITE." Sigh.

Bruise log, day 4

Why I continue to find this so amusing, I don't know. Sorry.

Delta Love

A sorority sister is in town and we hung out last night. She is so gorgeous - could be a model - and has a burgeoning fashion design career. (Look for invites to a Hunter/Dixon trunk show that I will be hosting very soon...haha) And did I mention she goes to the Hamptons? Like a lot?! (I kept asking dumb "aw shucks" questions about life in the Big City. So lame.)

So basically she's a complete catch. And she is as single as I am. She said she's picky (ditto) and not willing to settle (double ditto). But hearing her talk, it totally made me feel better about myself and my situation. (Of course, it would be nice to be a size 2 and have my own fashion line...but I digress.)

On another note, I HAVE agreed to date #3 on Sunday. Movie. I told him I won't make him see "Eat, Pray, Love." That's more of a 5th date movie.

God giveth, and the DMV taketh away. You mustn't f@&# with the Department of Motor Vehicles

Went to the DMV on 7/7 to get my driver's license renewed. They said to expect the new card withing 2-4 weeks. It's week 5, no license. And my temporary one expires next Friday. I keep trying to call both the Texas Dept of Transportation in Austin (goes directly to voice mail and you can't leave a message) and the local DMV office (constant busy signal). Have also sent two emails to their customer service "contact us" department. To no avail.

DAMN YOU DMV.

So looks like I get to trek down there again tomorrow, wait in line with everyone else and their dog, and see if they can figure out where the F my driver's license is. I think they do this on purpose. Bastards. :)

Bruise log, day 3

Isn't it looking purdy?

Wow

Just misread an email from a guy on Match: it said something like "...if you're looking for a guy who isn't afraid of the "C" word..." I was like EXCUSE ME?!?! WTMF. Then realized he (hopefully) meant "commitment." Ha.

Bachelor Pad. A brief summation.

Oh dear lord. It's so bad, it's good. And now I really want to play Twister. But NOT in a bikini. Seriously??!

1. Tenley. Bugs. Her lame dancing and super hyper greeting of everyone that came in - tone it down, Disney. Did feel bad for her when trapped in the bathroom with Psycho, though...

2. I was referring to Michelle as the aforementioned psycho, but newly-blonde Elizabeth (who I think looks better brunette, but I am in no position to talk) is quite a psycho in the making. Poor Kovacs needs to run - don't walk! - away. She's all "you love me. You need to tell people that." WTF lady.

3. Gwen. Poor poor botoxed Gwennie. The really sad part? She's probably like MY age. And to everyone else, she's soooo old. Tragic. But seriously - why is she still on this. Reminds me of the people from season 1 of Real World who still participate in the Real World/Road Rules Challenges. (Eric Nies - I'm talking to you.)

4. Wes. At least he can make fun of himself - loved when he told Chris Harrison that "love don't come easy." He's a d-bag, but amusing. Like Crazy Dave.

5. Not so amusing? Weatherman. Who is gay. And really? Calling Krisily "Crystal Light?" You're hilarious, dude. Not really. I predict a big storm headed your way.

6. Kiptyn's abs. Sadly MIA this week. ABC better make up for it next week.

7. Craig M being Canadian. He barely spoke on Ali's season, but his accent was in FULL EFFECT last night - pronouncing "house" "ho's" - good stuff, eh?

8. Who else besides me would love to be a fly on the wall at one of the infamous "Bachelor Reunions?!" I'm IN.

"Celeb" sightings

So my date at TopGolf last night looked exactly like my cousin. (left) Who happens to be on some show called CSI. Weird.

The girl playing next to us looked exactly like Jada Pinkett Smith (above). Which I proceeded to tell her. She said she got it all the time, and that her name was in fact JADA.

Weirder.

(Sorry for the bizarro layout. Blogging is hard.)

That's gonna leave a mark

The above is a very large, painful and swollen bruise I got from playing TopGolf last night. (And I should add, that is my ARM, not a freakishly hairy leg.) As I am very good at bruising and know how they work on my body, this one should turn lots of pretty shades and stick around for like a week. STELLAR.

some proof i could suck as a mom someday

1. Checked my fridge on saturday to get something to eat. the contents included: champagne, beer, wine, water, DDP, parmesan cheese, fat-free ranch dressing, and milk. At least there was milk. Not that there was anything to put the milk ON...

so I went to the store. made myself a salad. and

2. Proceeded to get apparent food poisoning from something I made MYSELF. None of this "I got it from the fish tacos at Manny's" - no, I was somehow able to poison myself.

Bring on the kiddies!

Perhaps my most random blog post ever.

I'll try to give you my train of thought, which still probably won't make any sense, but here we go...

All of a sudden started thinking about the movie What About Bob?. Which led to thinking about Bill Murray wearing whatever message tee he had on in that movie. I couldn't think of what it said. After Googling, it apparently read "Don't Hassle Me, I'm Local." (Which I NEVER would have gotten, btw) But sadly, the image above is what popped up. Hi, spellcheck. Nice to meet you. FAIL.

3D mania

Step Up 3D comes out today. Why god why. Not necessary to see people dancing in 3D. Particularly the random people they got to be in the third installment of this movie. If I'm going to dork out and wear the glasses, it better be GOOD. Examples of movies I would LIKE to see in 3D:

-Top Gun. Particularly the beach volleyball scene.
-Any Muppet movie. Because they're awesome.
-Titanic. Admit it - it would be pretty cool.
-Independence Day/Armageddon. See above.

Having some trouble coming up with more. Because 3D movies SUCK. Ha.

Solo

That song "ridin' solo" speaks to me. Particularly when he spells out the word "SOLO." Helpful. And accurate.

Ouch, random maitre d', ouch

Went to meet my old boss for a drink last night (not Art Institute, legal team!! UTD!!), and I got there first. I grabbed a spot at the bar, but told the maitre d' I was waiting for someone. He came back a minute later and said, "Are you waiting for a woman? Because one just went to the bathroom..." Okay, he was right - I WAS waiting for a woman - but what about me screams "there's no way I'm here waiting for a GUY..." Oof. And to top it off, the area was dry and I had to apply for a damn Unicard. Haven't seen one of those since my days at Chili's. Heh.

But I'll show him (random maitre d'): TWO dates this weekend! Although I haven't heard from the second one in a while. So...at least ONE date this weekend! I'm sure I'll pull a Brad Paisley and be "Waiting on a Woman" again in no time. :)

Dear god, make me a bird.

So I may fly far, far, far away from here. (Bonus points to name that movie.)

Got a call from a Dallas Morning News reporter the other day about an article I sent in about this super-cool art history course at the Dallas Museum of Art that is being jointly taught by instructors from UTD and SMU. They have decided to open it up to the general public to audit. Which is where my trauma comes in.

The reporter needed something to put in the story to tell people where to go for more info. And this brainiac gave her my work #. Big mistake. Big. Huge. (another delectable movie quote, peeps.)

Since the story ran yesterday, I have received no less than 130 phone calls from people who want to audit the class. Which is great for the DMA, UTD, SMU, the instructors...basically great for everyone but me. I do not have someone to answer my phone. I actually have other things I should be doing. But nope. This damn exhibit is taking over my life. I have updated my voicemail to reflect this - "PLEASE LEAVE ME YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS" - but still. The phone just won't stop ringing.

Most of the people calling in are...elderly...one lady said she was 79 and actually had an email address. Loves it. However, some of them don't. So I'm having to take down physical MAILING addresses.

Pardon me while I take this call.

Why

...did Bachelorette Ali sign with the William Morris Agency? Please god tell me she's not pulling a Jake and trying to be an "actor." Then again, girl doesn't have a job.

That has always been my dream, actually. To go on a reality show and then get some sort of lip balm endorsement deal and be done. If they ever do a Real Housewives of Dallas, maybe I could be the snarky single girl. A la Bethenny (NY) or Danielle (NJ) or Gretchen (OC) or Kim (ATL). However, I doubt my $650/month apartment would make the cut. I'm poor. No WONDER I'm snarky. Jeez.

Another book I will NOT be saying was my "last read" on my Match.com profile

Just finished Patti Stanger (The Millionaire Matchmaker)'s book, "Become Your Own Matchmaker" or whatever the hell it's called. I love her show, so figured she would have some pretty good advice. Which she did, but some things I wasn't sure about...

She suggests creating a "bio card" to hand out at bars, etc. One side has your picture on it, and the other has your name, number, email, funny quote, whatever. And you're supposed to give this to people? In the hopes that instead of laughing at you and using it to write someone ELSE'S number on, they will call you? Um, pass.

She lists places to meet guys (and places NOT to meet guys). Some are obvious yet clever: sports bars. Steakhouses. Sporting events. Wine tastings (?). Dog parks. Volunteering (which my mom keeps suggesting to me). Where NOT to: the gym. Salons (duh). Starbucks. This one I disagree with. She says it's because the guys at Starbucks don't have jobs. But yesterday around lunch I went to one with a friend and there were TONS of suited-up guys who certainly LOOKED employed...(I, however, in my ratty jean shorts and white tee, did not.)

And then the final two chapters are about the 6-9 month phase of a relationship and then getting engaged. Um, focusing on the NOW, Patti. Like getting to date number one. Baby steps, people.

PS - Did you know you can sign up (girls for free) on millionairesclub123.com? IN.

Summer snow day

Second day off in a row, due to the A/C being broken at UTD. Not a bad way to start a week. Of course, it IS 107 degrees outside, so it's not like I can do much of anything. Think today is movie day. Since yesterday I got all caught up on Tivo. Man my life is exciting. Still - better than being at work...

The Official "Cape Cod Chris For the Next Bachelor" Thread

Man that guy is hot. And adorbs. Ali can have sweaty Roberto (or "Bert," as his friends sadly call him) and his tiny suits. I am seriously going to send in a video and apply if Chris is the next Bachelor. Now accepting ideas. And videographers.

Could really have used an auto mechanics class in high school...

All last week, I thought one of my tires looked flat, but every time I went out with the intent of getting it professionally checked, it looked perfectly fine. This morning, not so much. Please note that I do not own a tire gauge. Have NO IDEA how to put air in my own tires. The thought of over-inflation and an exploding tire terrifies me. (I also barely know how to open my hood, and don't get me started on changing my own oil...) But there's only one full-service gas station that I know of, so I usually just get the guys who change my oil to check my tires. Done and done.

But back to this morning...

I had to get gas anyway, and I knew there was an air pump at the gas station. So I gave it the old college try. But my little tire thingie (that IS the correct terminology, right) had a little pin point, and this air pump had a rectangle. Very confused - wouldn't they all be universal? - and although I tried, it obviously didn't work.

So I tried texting both parents for help. Even googled "how to put air in my tires" on my phone. With no response (again, #6,798 of things that would be MUCH easier if I had a boyfriend), I headed to another gas station to try again. This time, the water and air were sharing a machine. With no sign, I went with the black tube (versus blue, which to me meant "water"); also because it had a similar hand pump like I tried at the last place. Testing it, I wisely aimed it at myself and soon learned it was the water pump. And I was soaked. White t-shirt, of course. Awesome. I then tried the actual air pump, but couldn't for the life of me figure out how to get any air out.

Luckily (or conveniently, due to my wet t-shirt contest situation), a guy came over and asked if I needed any help (um, duh). He was so nice and filled up my tire for me. He also showed me the sticker inside my door that tells you how much air to put in (who knew!). He gave me his phone number and said I owed him a drink sometime. Which is true, but doubt I will call. Still, Rick - THANK YOU.

And I now own a tire gauge.